Infertile is the New Black

Kinda having an off day today

2012-01-17T09:03:00.002-06:00

I normally get through my day to day routines without being sad about not having a family after 4 years or trying but for some reason today is a hard one. I don't know how to explain it other than it feels like I have been holding my breath for a really long time and I am unable to exhale.

The most frustrating part is that I am in this limbo stage. No treatments going on and none planned. No talk of treatments or adoption. I guess I feel like I am wasting time. I know this is a "mental break" that my husband and I both agreed on but I just feel like I should be doing something.

And what's more frustrating is when I read the blogs of women who have suceeded and gotten pregnant, I get more sad. Shouldn't I be happy? Shouldn't their stories be ones of inspiration for me? But instead, I sit here crying while I read them, wishing it was me.

I am just ready to exhale and put all this behind me.

Death and Infertility

2012-01-06T11:59:00.003-06:00

So in my day to day life, I like to think that I appear normal. Even when my mind is screaming, I try to splash on a smile and walk on. This past week has been no different. My husband's stepfather passed away. We knew it was coming, but you can never prepare yourself enough. My Brother-in-law gave the eulogy and I was amazed by his strength. If I were in his shoes, I would be a blubbering mess that no one could understand. One thing he said (and I am paraphrasing) is that his father would never see his grandchildren attain certain goals (ie: graduation, marriage, college). All I could then think is that "he will never see our kids" and it made me even more sad than I was before (which was pretty sad!). My husband's step dad had a pretty big impact on his life and just knowing he will never have the chance to meet any child we have (either through adoption or a miracle of God) is heart breaking for me so I can only imagine how my husband feels.

Then I got angry with myself and my mind started to wander "Why couldn't everything just work out and he could have seen and spent some time with our child? Why am I even thinking about this in the middle of a funeral? Why does life have to be so hard sometimes? Why does that woman wear so much makeup?" No lie, these exact thoughts in that order went through my head.

My Annual Appointment

2011-12-08T08:45:00.003-06:00

I dread it every year. It was last week and it was horrible! Ever since we did our first IUI years ago (has it really been years? :sigh:) I get really bad anxiety when I go to the Doctor. ANY DOCTOR. So you can only imagine how freaked out I get at my annual visit to my OBGYN.

When I pull up, I brace myself for all the pregnant bellies I will have to stare at in the waiting room. My favorites are the girls who look like they are in high school. Fertile little sluts (I am joking!) Well I dodged a bullet this day because it was me and a few other women who from the looks of them weren't pregnant or at least not showing. I am called back pretty quickly and think "sweet, let's just get through this as fast as I can so I don't have to slit my wrists"

I go back and the nurse asks me all the normal questions, takes my weight and blood pressure (both were higher than I had hoped). I go get naked with my gown and cheap paper sheet over my goods and wait........................and wait..............here's come more anxiety............wait................here comes the red splotches on my chest............wait...............face getting hot................where is that doctor??

I don't know how long I sat in that room freaking myself out but it seemed like an eternity. He comes in and asks the normal questions, congratulates me on quitting smoking, asks about the frozen cycle. I was pretty detached from the conversation. I just wanted to get dressed, cool down and get the hell out of there without crying. He did the exam while we talked about Black Friday (yes, it was as awkward as it sounds) and then he said he wanted to recheck my blood pressure.

So I got dressed and went out to the nurse's station so she could take it again. Right as she puts the cuff on, he starts talking to me about how he had been at a conference for two day prior about weight loss and infertility. He said when women are actively trying to lose weight their infertility goes down but then once they are at a comfortable weight it goes back up and that maybe that could help me. Well guess what? My blood pressure actually went up the second time and I think it is because he was talking about the two subjects that give me the MOST anxiety: infertility and weight. He told me I needed to get it checked out in the next few months because every time I come in it has been a little high. I have explained before that it is him and his office. My mom has a blood pressure machine and when i take it over there, it is fine.

At this point, I had completely checked out of the situation. I wanted the cuff off my arm and was ready to hit the door running. Yes, I know I need to lose weight and I am constantly trying but not so I can miraculously get pregnant. That isn't going to happen. Because unless me losing weight can help with my left ovary not producing eggs or my husband's low sperm count and motility, it is a longshot that it would help our situation.

October FAIL

2011-11-03T08:41:00.002-05:00

So I signed up for ICLW and then didn't even bother to leave one comment. Not from lack of trying. I would sign and and go to the list but it seemed like every blog I clicked on was either "expecting", was in the middle of a cycle or their two week wait. These stories used to inspire me to keep pressing on, try again and again. Now, they just completely beat me down. Where are the blogs for those who have lost hope or the ones who are done with fertility treatments but haven't quite moved on to adoption. Where are the "currently in limbo" bloggers at?

I am "fine"

2011-10-10T09:24:00.002-05:00

Women say this all the time and it should be obvious when these statement is uttered, normally it is far from the truth. I have no idea why I do this or why I even try to pretend I am "fine" when I am clearly not. I have a lot of emotions I am trying to work through now and the worst part is I do not feel like anyone understands my feelings. When I try to open up, I get dumbfounded looks and "I am sorry" or someone just changes the subject. I understand people don't know what to say but I cannot stand hearing "I am sorry" anymore or seeing another :( on texts. I am sad. I am angry. I am lonely. I am so many different things that I don't know how to process it anymore. And more than anything I am tired of acting like I am ok with everything. I am not ok with it. I don't want to hear about pregnancies, baby showers, sonograms, anything to do with pregnancy anytime soon. Everyone just expects me to "get over it" or not talk about it anymore. If I hear I "should just be happy with the good things I have" one more time, I am more than likely going to freak out on that person. Unless you have ever dealt with this, you have NO idea what I am going through. I guess it is just so frustrating because even when I am in a group of family and friends I still feel alone.

The Secret Cycle - Farewell IVF

2011-09-23T09:21:00.003-05:00

It has been so hard not being able to post all the blogs regarding our secret cycle but we used our last frozen embryo last month and I got the results of blood work this morning. It was negative, which we fully expected since I started bleeding and cramping last night. I am sad but also I feel this great sense of relief. It is over. I did everything in my power to make this work and it didn't. I know now I have one of the strongest marriages of anyone I know because Josh and I went through this together and even though we didn't get the results we wished for, we came out the other end and we are still united, in love and have a stronger bond then we have ever had.

What's next? Hawaii next summer with Josh's parents and I cannot wait. Josh and I referred to this cycle as baby or aloha so Hawaii get ready! The Franklins are heading your way and plan on drinking A LOT, snorkeling all day long and staying up to see the sun rise at least once!

I am not going to make any final decisions but head, heart and uterus are telling me we are done with IVF. Not only does it take an emotional toll on me, but I worry about what all the drugs do to my body. I really feel at peace with this and think in a year Josh and I will re-evaluate and look at other options to be parents. Do I still want children? Of course. Am I stuck on them being my biological children? Not as much as I once was. All I know is even though we don't have kids, Josh and I are still a family and we have some furry kids to get us by for now.

For those of you who are still pursuing your dreams of children either through fertility treatments or adoption, Good Luck, I wish you the best and babies for you all.

I went ahead and posted all the blogs below that I have kept as drafts through this cycle just so you know how everything went down. They are in between the ones I was posting so here is a list if you want to check them out in order go from farthest back to most recent:

Consultation
Accupuncture
That is a beautiful uterus
Transfer Date
Wanna be Kardashian on transfer day
I am a googlin' fool

Kelley

The Dreaded Facebook Announcement

2011-09-20T08:39:00.006-05:00

How horrible is that someone announcing they are expecting on facebook puts me into a bad mood? Doesn't even matter if it is an aquaintance or my best friend. It upsets me everytime. Then I feel bad that someone else's happiest moment in their life pisses me off. And I actually then count the number of people I know are pregnant then I write myself off because what are the chances that I would know 11 people who are pregnant and then be the 12th. (this is an accurate number in my life right now - 11)

I know it doesn't work that way. It's not like God is sitting up there saying "I reached my limit of pregnancies this month, maybe next time Franklin". But in my crazy head, this is what I think occurs every time someone else I know pops up pregnant. I think "great, she is pregnant so that means I can't be" which is ludicrous!

OK Honesty time: When someone announces they are pregnant on Facebook, I become a psycho stalker for at least a day. I read everyone's congrats and comments (never commenting myself if person knows about our struggle to start a family because I do not want to draw attention to my infertile uterus). Then I go back and read past status updates looking for posts that imply pregnancy (ex: I am so tired or I have felt under the weather lately - these two always trip my pregnancy radar).

So just know if we are friends on Facebook and you are pregnant, I am totally stalking your page. Maybe if I read enough and look at enough ultrasound pics, it will rub off on me?

I am a googlin' fool!!

2011-09-15T09:39:00.003-05:00

So I would like to think from the outside looking in, I look pretty calm, cool and collected, normal and put together. No one would know that I am currently in my 2WW. I know I have done everything I can possibly do to make this work, now it is up to God. But that doesn't stop me from researching on the internet how things went down for other infertiles!! It is like my little guilty pleasure. When I am alone I start googlin' all kinds of IVF stuff. Here is a little sample:

"How many days post transfer positive BFP"

"5BB embryo IVF"

"nausea after IVF"

"Frozen cycle HPT"

The list is embarrasingly longer than this but I still have some dignity so you only get a sample of my googling subjects. Some people obsess over HPTs and buy tons of them only to hide them in drawers and under cabinets and quietly pee on when they are alone, hoping to see the second line. Luckily, I am not one of those (I am very cheap and don't want to waste the money on tests) but I am a secret google fool, which I know is even worse than peeing on a stick every morning. I have read every "what if" scenario out there and it doesn't make me feel any better or any worse. I HAVE TO STOP!!!! Gotta go, just realized I haven't googled "FET 31 year old 5bb embryo grade" - See I am crazy!!!

Wanna Be Kardashian on Transfer Day

2011-09-13T10:34:00.008-05:00

Can I tell you how HARD it is not telling anyone what is going on!!! So we had our plan down for the transfer. Josh takes me to work in AM, picks me up around 11:45, drops me off at acupuncture, picks me up again, I pop my Valium as he drives me to RE's office in Las Colinas for transfer, Dr comes in transfer sweet little frozen angel into my awaiting and very hospitable uterus, lay in room relaxed and chillin' for approximately 20-30 minutes then we head home where I lay on my back or side for the remainder of the day. Perfect plan, right?

Until my Dad calls Josh to tell him he bought a new TV and needs him to come over and help him. Josh and I are both VERY bad liars. Josh tells dad OK and starts to head over there, then calls me to tell me. (it is approximately 11AM at this point so I start to go into freak out mode) Josh calms me down and says he is going to unload the TV and then tell Dad he has to go to take me to the dentist b/c I have a toothache (which would explain why I was grouchy on Sunday when we were at their house - truth: I had just changed my estrogen patch that morning and it tends to put me on edge). Thank God they bought it! I was about to just give in and tell them what was going on b/c the sneaking around and hiding is too much for me at this point. But Josh took care of it and we were on our way and no one was the wiser.

Everything else worked out ahead of schedule. So good that we were able to waste about 40 minutes before the appointment in Target (I LOVE IT THERE!) where I went ahead and purchased myself a transfer present. Nothing too big, just a new pair of big sunglasses.

So I walked into the clinic feeling good, like a fertile Kardashian Wanna-Be in my new big sassy sunglasses and was ready to get the show on the road. I had a Valium, acupuncture and a trip to Target, this is as relaxed as I will ever be.

After the transfer I find myself "clinching" down there. Both times I have thought I need to do this to ensure the embryo doesn't fall out. I know it is ridiculous but I can't help it! I also try not to go to the bathroom for a long time b/c I am scared I will pee the embryo out, which I know is crazy since the embryo is in a completely different "area"!! But that is what infertility does to you. It makes you completely nuts!

So now we wait. My first blood test is Sept 22nd and then if that comes back positive, I will do another one to make sure numbers are rising, then a little later I will go in for sono to see heartbeat (you know the drill!) So I have been thinking lots of sticky thoughts and taking it easy. STICK STICK STICK!

10 Years

2011-09-09T20:30:00.004-05:00

I, as well as all of you, are being inundated with 9/11 visions and stories. It is hard to believe it has been 10 years already. So many things have changed.

10 years ago I was a bright eyed college student at the University of North Texas.
10 years ago my biggest worry was getting to class on time and what I was going to do on a Friday night.
10 years ago, I had not met my husband, I had never had a grown up job.
10 years ago I was innocent in so many ways.

I still remember waking up that morning to an already alive television set. As I rolled over to check out what the Today show was reporting, I saw a horrific vision that will be burnt into my mind until the day I pass on. It was the second plane going into the World Trade Center. In my sleepy haze, I thought this had to be a movie. But as I slowly realized this was real life I shot straight up in bed and screamed for my mom. I then realized my parent's house phone was ringing. It was my father, who was already at work, calling us to alert us to the news. My mother ran in my room, telephone in hand and we both watched in horror as our nation was attacked and changed forever.

As upset as I was, I still felt the need to continue on with my normal commute to Denton to attend classes. As I was driving on 360 headed north, it came over the radio that a plane at hit the Pentagon. By the time I was north of the DFW airport, all airplanes had been ordered to land. It was the most amazing site seeing what seemed like 1000 planes circling waiting to land.

My 9/11 story isn't amazing or all that interesting but I wanted to share. I however cannot adequately express the deep sadness and heartache I felt and still feel when I think about all the images from that day and the days and weeks that followed.

Transfer Date

2011-09-06T10:16:00.001-05:00

We have a date. On Monday, September 12th at 2:00 PM I will be at the RE's office getting ready to have an embryo placed inside my very hospitable uterus. Then I will be in the 2WW otherwise known as "Kelley is going crazy b/c she is extremely impatient" period of the cycle, then I will go back on September 26th and again once more that same week for blood tests, then we will know if it "stuck". We are nearing the finish line, I just need to remember it is not a sprint.

Even Lesbians get Pregnant Before I Do.

2011-09-02T12:10:00.006-05:00

Before I begin, I just want to say that this is in no way is an anti-gay post. In fact, I have been trying to lock in a gay male best friend for years without any luck. {Side Note, I think I seem too eager} Anyways, I would just like to point out the irony of the situation and that is what this post is about.

After 4 years of more unprotected sex than anyone could fathom (some enjoyable, some just to get the job done), IUIs, IVF, shots in my belly, shots in my hips that leave horrible painful lumps, meds that make me CRA-CRA, I still find myself on this wild infertile ride. Because of my experiences, it is always awkward when I find out someone is pregnant. (not just for other people, it is awkward for me too,)

When I heard that a woman I know, who is in a monogamous relationship with another woman, was pregnant, it stung a little and my first thought was "how the hell did this happen?" I thought there is hope for me yet if a chick can get another chick pregnant. I soon realized as most kids have been taught in Sex Ed, that this was not the case. Science was their friend too!

Now, as I sit here on a Friday night watching "Cats & Dogs: The Revenge of Kitty Galore" (I can't help it, I love talking pets!!!), my mind keeps going back to the news. Am I jealous? Heck yeah! You are pregnant and the toilet seat is always left down! NOT FAIR! But truthfully, it restores my hope in fertility treatments. If it weren't for science these two people would have a difficult time realizing their dream of having a child in a world where some people view their relationship as wrong. Which is ridiculous in my opinion. They are more capable of raising a child than some heterosexuals I know.

And just in case you are still wondering about the movie I am watching, here is a little sample:

Yes, THIS is happening.

Acupuncture?

2011-08-23T09:08:00.002-05:00

Has anyone tried Acupuncture along with fertility treatments? What is your take on it during a frozen cycle and do you think it helped? How many times did you do it? Do you think it helped your chances or at least helped you mentally?

"That is a beautiful uterus"

2011-08-22T10:44:00.006-05:00

Well in full Kelley fashion, I started spotting Friday after the RE's office closed. I tried to call twice to see if I could get a live person, no luck. I could feel myself going into panic mode. What if I can't get through tomorrow and Monday is too late, what if I have to get baseline sonogram tomorrow or this cycle will have to be cancelled. But I didn't allow my mind to go there, it would work out the way it was supposed to. So I set my alarm for 8am Friday morning to be the first jolly infertile to call in to tell them I have started my period. I always get confused on what to call my first day of my cycle. I have always said the first time I see blood when I wipe (or shove the toilet paper up there to be sure - all my fellow infertiles knw what I am talking about!) I have started. Even though, I may not even need a pad that first day, I call it day 1. You would think I would know better, that the first day of your cycle according to the RE is the first day of a steady flow. But in my spaz nature, I start thinking well what is a full flow? I know what I think it is but is my RE referring to something different. Once again, I calmed myself down and said "quit overthinking it"

Everything worked out and I made an appointment to go in today at 8:45. I went in, handed over my cashiers check for a baby (they will not take checks or debit or credit cards so I was not able to earn any airline miles off this - LAME!) and Dr. L did my baseline sonogram. Before he put the wand in he told me again that the embryos they put in last time were a 2 and a 3 (average and below average) and reassured me again that my frozen little popsicle is a 5BB, which means much better quality that the other two) and he was optimistic about this cycle. He said the lining looked good and I had a beautiful uterus. I didn't know what to say so being my polite southern and sometimes awkward self, I said "Thank you". Then thought why did I just thank him for that? He smiled and ignored the comment. Yes, he had the magic wand up "there" and I was the one who made it awkward.

I go back in 2 weeks to check lining.

That Kid

2011-08-18T09:57:00.003-05:00

I feel bad for any kid that we have (either through fertility treatments or adoption) b/c let's face it, the bar has been set really high. After everything we have been through, are going through and will go through to add one more to our family, this kid better make us proud, do well in school, make good life choices, go to college, and be a responsible, respectable adult or heads will roll.

Josh and I were talking the other night that if the child ever tells me "You don't love me" that he will probably have to restrain me from physically attacking him or her. And you know what, he is right. There would definitely be some "slappage" going on in that situation.

Honestly, I hope we have a healthy child but I also hope I never forget all these feelings and emotions I have right now regarding having children. I think it will make me a better mom for going through everything I have.

Also, we will have a girl. Why? B/c that is just how our life goes. And she will test our patience on many occasions.

Accupuncture

2011-08-11T13:17:00.012-05:00

So I am trying to be more pro-active and will do anything to help my chances this cycle, so I tried acupuncture. I went to my first appointment last Friday and here comes the hotness and the red splotches on my chest, and the nerves, and blood pressure rising and this was all when I was filling out the paperwork. Once she took me back to my little room, I asked her if it hurt and her response was "well they are needles (not the response I wanted) but after all the injections you have had, this is nothing" and when I look at it that way, she is totally right. I had to have injections in my belly and hip for over 6 weeks, I can take an hour of her putting tiny needles in me. I can't help it, I am still freaking out at this point. I kept envisioning PinHead from the Hellraiser movies or that scene from Final Destination 100 where the guy has all the needles in him then he falls off bed or something falls on him (at this point, I can't remember but it is still extremely frightening to think about either way)

I ask her a bunch of questions but I don't remember now what they are except I did ask her "how many needles?" she smirked and said "well quite a few" Here comes the PANIC ATTACK! "Quite a few like 100?" I responded and I was beginning to feel faint. Her response was laughter and said "Like 10. You Funny" and laughed some more. I thought well glad I can entertain as I start to calm down.

She then looks at my tongue and feels my pulse, tells me I am cold and need to drink ginger tea and eat pineapple every day and exercise. Ugh, exercise. It is 100 + degrees and my gym membership is frozen at the moment so that is the last thing I want to do.

Then I take my pants off and climb up on the table (sounds like the beginning of a bad porn) and she comes back in and starts sticking me with needles. They didn't hurt at all but I was hyped up from the anticipation that I was still a little whacked. She just chit chatted with me while sticking me and I know I was tense and she kept asking if I was ok and asking me to talk to her. Maybe I turned white? Who knows. But after she had stuck me on feet, legs, tummy and my head (yes, HEAD!) she hooked up electrodes to the needles and I got a little pulse in all of them, then I got to just lay there for 30 minutes with pulsing needles in me. And I dug it. Not sure why, but just laying there was relaxing and I even dozed off for a min. Next time I am going to to bring my IPOD with some laid back songs and listen to it for 30 minutes.

Consultation

2011-08-10T08:29:00.014-05:00

You may remember, I have one frozen little embryo waiting to be thawed out and put in my belly. Well after almost 2 years of regaining strength and composure from my first IVF cycle, we made the follow up appointment. Now I realize this doesn't seem like a big deal to most but for me, this is HUGE. To say I was devestated after the first IVF is an understatement and I honestly wasn't sure I could ever go through all that again but alas the day has come and I have an appointment today with everyone's favorite RE.

The clinic I go to has 2 REs and we happen to favor one over the other. I am not sure if it was all the meds and hormones that were being pumped into me the last time I saw these guys but one of them, Dr. H. did not have a bedside manner I responded to. So when we made our appointment, I specifically asked for Dr. L. To be honest, I trust both of their opinions but how you treat and talk to me is very important when I am going through such an emotional rollercoaster and Dr. L seemed to be more on my wave length.

We have decided not to share any of this with anyone. (which is why I am blogging and saving each entry to post until after the cycle is over) It is kinda weird not telling my friends and parents to "buckle their seatbelts b/c we are all getting back on this train!" but Josh and I wanted to do this alone. Will it make it easier? I have no idea, I hope so. Do I want to call my BFFs right now to tell them about the appointment, kinda. But I will restrain.

Just got back from appointment and it went really well. I thought I was staying all calm and chilled but then I looked down and my chest was red and splotchy (which is a definite sign of nerves). Dr. L was very positive about the little embryo that could. Looks like the little thing actually looks better than the other two they put in for the fresh cycle so that is a good sign. Also, the meds are not going to be a lot easier and less costly (no injections - WAHOO!) I also found out that my insurance covers Accupuncture and the place close to my house is actually in network! I get up to 20 visits a year and the co-pay is $20.00 so guess who is gonna go get stuck with a bunch of needles soon? THIS GIRL!

Screw You Living Social

2011-08-09T10:35:00.008-05:00

I, like many people, LOVE a good deal. And when I say love, I mean, I actually get EXCITED and giddy when I give the cashier coupons at the grocery store and see my total start to go down. So, of course I signed up for Groupon and Living Social and get daily updates as to what deals they have going on. I have received the following update via email (twice) and now by text.

I am debating getting this deal, showing up with a stroller and a doll on the first day just to see the look on people's faces. Meet my daughter, Princess Petunia Merryweather Foxy Brown Franklin. She's shy.

Smoking, Babies, Friends

2011-07-28T10:56:00.008-05:00

I am not sure why but this time, it is going really well.It doesn't matter why, it is working and I am stoked! I quit on July 3 and today is the 28th so I am feeling pretty good about myself. I would like to be more active but it is so dang hot and we had to freeze the gym membership for financial reasons. I continually set my alarm for earlier in the morning so I could get up and jog but I end up hitting snooze 7 times and roll out of bed at 7:10 in just enough time to shower, put make up on, throw my hair up in a wet bun and head to work. (yeah I am lookin' good at work!) And then in the evenings I am exhausted from my day not to mention, it is still in the 90s at 9:00 PM. People were not meant to live in such hot conditions! I love Texas to death but we need to get on the same page about this heat.

So one of my best friends is pregnant (I am not even sure if she reads this anymore). I am VERY happy for her and her family. When she called to tell me, I was genuinely happy for her and knew they had been trying so I knew it was only a matter of time until it happened. I was upset that she started crying when she told me. I HATE that I am THAT person. The one everyone doesn't want to tell they are pregnant, the one that makes women cry when the pee on the stick is still wet, the one that after you tell is pregnant, you wince in case she FREAKS OUT (which for the record, I have never hit, screamed or spit on anyone who told me they are pregnant) Two of my best friends have been pregnant in the last few years and both of them cried when they told me. I know they would do anything to get a baby in my belly and make it stay there for 9 months and that is why they cry, but I feel SO HORRIBLE that I am the one making them cry. Both times, I end up comforting them. I guess it is just my nature. (See God-I am nurturing and comforting, give me a baby!)

When will I get over this and be that person who throws baby showers and rubs bellies? (well I will probably never rub a belly, I don't care for that much physical contact)

The relaxing pedicure that never was

2011-07-13T15:29:00.006-05:00

I gave in today and decided to treat myself to a pedicure. My feet were disgusting with chipped zebra polish on my bigger toes, nothing on my little toes (yes, don't judge, it had been THAT long since I had a pedicure and I hadn't bothered to even touch them up).

At lunch I ran out to this place right around the corner from my work. Pulled in the parking lot, got a front row joe parking spot and was super excited that they didn't look that busy so I would be able to get in and out in an hour. I told the lady in the front that I needed a pedicure, was on my lunch break and needed to be in and out in right under an hour and she smiled and nodded.

I am whisked away to a pedicure chair, offered a drink, took out my book, turn on the massager in the chair, got the diet coke and started the relaxing lunch hour. Then my pedicure technician comes waddling around the corner. Yep, she was pregnant and not just a little baby bump. This chick looked like she could burst at any minute and right in my pedicure spa (ew, they would definitely need some stronger sanitizer), which made instantly feel bad. 1. That I was annoyed she was pregnant and 2. that someone THAT pregnant was going to be giving me a pedicure. SHE should be the one who is getting her feet rubbed. But for now, come on preggo, rub this infertile's feet. (I am so wrong)

But I got over that fast b/c I had some feet than needed scrubbing, toes to be painted and a book that needed to be read. So I assume the "snobby pedicure client" posture in my chair. You know where you give off the vibe that you don't want to chat and refuse to make eye contact. I am really good at it. It's a gift.

I am reading my book and enjoying every minute of my foot scrubbing solice when I can't help but overhear the conversation between two women next to me. They had not assumed the don't talk to me stance in the pedicure chairs, so they were chatting away with one technician. Now, the woman in the chair next to me was very big lady and she made a comment about not being able to reach her toes, which I thought was weird. Then she said "not like I ever could anyways" Now THIS got my attention. This woman made at least 3 comments since I started spying about weight gain. Then it came out, her sister mentioned to the technician that the lady next to me was expecting and was due in October. I was SHOCKED and I couldn't help myself. At this point, I had let down guard, have turned in my chair and am all out staring at this woman. There is no "bump" to speak of. The technician was shocked too b/c she was like "oh, so little can't tell" I almost laughed. There was nothing little about this woman but I knew she was trying to be nice, after all her tip may depend on it. I couldn't quit listening then. I would stare at the pages in my book trying to read but I could not tell you what was on those pages b/c I was engrossed in the non looking pregnant, pregnant lady.

Then for reason unbeknown to me, she starts spilling her guts to the technician. She is 39 has tried online dating a lot within the past few years (which didn't surprise me), has another kid, didn't lose her virginity until she was 33. She originally had wanted to wait til marriage but then I guess that didn't happen. Once again my head turns from my book when I hear this. They are politely ignoring me as far as I can tell. I can't quit listening or staring at her non existent baby bump.

At that point, I checked out. The poor chick rubbing my feet looks like she may be havin labor pains and the extremely overweight chick next to me who was a virgin until she was 33 is due in October. At that point, I just sit back, close my eyes and laugh to myself.

I start to wonder what time it is. It seems like I should be done by now. I finally pull out my phone and it has already been an hour. Ugh, now do I politely tell the 9 month pregnant chick carefuly painting my toes to get the show on the road. She looked so tired and hot. So I let her be and pretty much freaked out the whole time she was painting them that I was going to get in trouble when I got back. I didn't, no one even said anything.

Thank you universe. Thank you for my relaxing pedicure.

I rolled up my new bathmat and smoked it.

2011-07-07T12:44:00.005-05:00

Just Kidding!

I am actually doing fine without smoking thus far. I even received some upsetting news last night and didn't automatically have the urge to go buy a pack. (I have chosen not to share the upsetting news since it isn't my news to share) The real test will be DRUNK KELLEY. But I hardly ever drink anymore so I don't see that issue coming up in my near future. And in case you were concerned about the mats, I LOVE THEM. Josh said it is like stepping onto soft cotton when you get our of the shower. So, buyer's remorse GONE! Purchase was completely validated by him so that takes care of that!

Have you guys noticed all these feathers in girl's hair? I have seen in on a few of my friend's facebook pics, but we went to the Ranger game last night and I saw a bunch more. Then my friend said she was at the mall trying to find feathers because one of our friends wants one in her hair. Are they clip ons? How do you wash your hair with it in if it is an extension? Do they come with a peace pipe? Will I have one in my hair in a few weeks?

I just spent $50 on bath mats

2011-07-05T15:36:00.004-05:00

They are VERY nice and I am super excited to get home and put them down on the floor of both bathrooms. (we currently have a bath TOWEL on the outside of our bathtub in one bathroom since we were lacking a bath mat)

But as I sit here thinking about it, I am having buyer's remorse. Note: I got the bigger sized ones and I had two coupons, so I actually saved $12 off of my total. See, even thinking about the money I saved with coupons is not making me feel better about my purchase.

I needed these bath mats though. BAD. I had to buy something at lunch (do you think I have a problem?) and the bath mats were the most logical choice. I went in to the store, only going to buy one....but I had two coupons. I couldn't let the other one go to waste.

Oh, and I have decided to quit smoking completely. I feel pretty optimistic since the other day when I decided, I threw a more than half full pack in the trash can at Kroger. The cheap side of me thought, I just threw money away. Normally I would go ahead and finish the pack and then attempt to quit. But something about actually throwing them away seemed more final for me. Hopefully this will be it. We all know I can quit for a long period of time (I think I quit for a year a while back but then I get mad or upset or miscarry and that's the first thing I want). I have two packs of gum in my purse though and am ready for this. I know I am not addicted to the nicotine because there are times I will not smoke for two days or even a week and be fine with it. So we shall see.

The Best Thing in the World....

2011-07-01T14:40:00.004-05:00

Most rewarding experience, will change your life, you will know what "real unconditional love" is.

All these sayings make me want to vomit. I don't doubt they are true feeling for those becoming a parent but they are so cliche' and nauseating to hear every time someone gets pregnant. I am not sure if people use them as verbal filler or they really think that the person doesn't know their life if about to change so they feel the need to let them in on this "secret".

If I ever have a child of my own through birth or adoption, I will probably think these things but will never utter them out loud. Some more appropriate things for me would be:

I hope the baby is healthy

I hope the child is emotionally stable (only one crazy in this family and I got years on you kid!)

I hope the child doesn't disappoint me (this is a big one. After all the build up, I will have HIGH expectations for any child of mine)

I hope the child doesn't grow up to be a serial killer (Josh makes me watch too many shows on serial killers so now this has been added to my fears. I mean could you imagine being the mother of some kind of monster like Manson or The Zodiac Killer)

I hope the kid isn't stupid (we've all seen those kids, ya know the ones where you think man, I hope you are going to be good lookin' b/c the smarts missed you!)

I hope the kid isn't ugly (aw yes, the ugly baby. Don't judge me, you have seen the babies that hit every branch of the ugly tree on the way out of the vagina)

I OBVIOUSLY don't have a child so I don't know if it really is the BEST THING IN THE WORLD, so to me the BEST FEELING EVER IN THE WORLD, is laying on a beach drinking a pina colada in Mexico and not having a worry or care in the world.

I need a PROJECT

2011-06-20T12:53:00.005-05:00

One thing I have realized as I have gotten older is I LOVE staying busy. Maybe it is because when I am not busy, I obsess over the not so great things in my life. And when I am busy and then feel accomplished, I feel good about myself and have more of a positive outlook. Who knows. The point is I need a project and fast. I have been reading a TON lately but books are starting to not be enough. I need something HANDS ON. Oh, and did I mention, I need it to be cheap since we do not have as much disposable income as we used to.

The one project I keep thinking about it painting the hall, living room and front sitting room in our house. Yes, this would be a HUGE undertaking but this time I would NOT attempt to ask Josh for help (see previous post - http://kel2ey.blogspot.com/2010/08/painters-we-are-not.html). I like him way too much to put our marriage through that again.

I don't know. I just need SOMETHING. Any ideas?

Breaking Dawn Trailer

2011-06-06T08:41:00.003-05:00

So if you don't know, I LOVE the Twilight books. I read them when I first started my fertility treatments and they were my escape from doctor's appointment, shots in my stomach and crying over not being pregnant. It was so nice that whenever I couldn't handle anymore, I could just open those books and get lost in the story and forget everything in my life for a little bit. These books renewed my love of reading and so for these reasons they will always have a special place on my bookshelf.

Then, they made the movies. I was very hesitant at first b/c the first movie came out when I was finishing up Breaking Dawn so I already had my characters set in my mind. But then they came out with bad acting and all but I still like them b/c they brought this story to the big screen. I know the movies suck, the acting is horrible and my Edward was much more attractive and less awkward that Robert Pattinson. But I can't help myself. I still get all excited when a new trailer comes out. And one came out last night on the MTV Movie Awards and as I watched curled up in my bed, I felt like a kid again. It was such a nice and pure feeling to get excited over something so trivial and not have to worry about anything.

And yes, this Twerd will be there at midnight in November to get lost in the story all over again.

Minor Setback

2011-06-03T15:25:00.004-05:00

Don't you love it when you are coasting on through life, feeling pretty good and something just comes up and knocks the wind out of you? Josh lost his job on Wednesday. We will be ok and be able to pay our bills but THAT IS IT. No movies, no eating out, no paying off credit cards, nada until his unemployment kicks in then we will re-evaluate.

Surprisingly, I am pretty calm. I am not gonna lie, when he first told me I kinda freaked out in my head. That first night was very tense and quiet between us just b/c we were both thinking a LOT about how to make this work. What can be cut out, what is a neccesity right now and what is in limbo. I feel like we have made a short term plan that will work and that really has put my mind at ease for now.

This also puts any type of thoughts of thawing out the final egg on the back burner, which really hurts. Not that we had any plans to thaw it out next month but I had actually been thinking about calling my RE for a consultation appointment. Thinking about that alone is a big step for me. I just need a plan for money and for mental preparations before I dive back in this.

I had a very weird dream the other night where I was explaining my feelings about other people getting pregnant and the emotional toll it takes on those who can't and have been trying and the person in my dream told me I was a "miserable, unhappy person who should just be happy for other people" and it really hurt. Even when I woke up, I was upset that this person in a dream would say that to me and then I got all paranoid thinking "that is what everyone thinks" OMG, I am a horrible person. But then I thought "fuck it" and went back to sleep. If I could change this I would. I can't.

A friend and I often talk about what we would do if we won lotto and I never say it but I would do another round of IVF right away. I don't say it b/c it's a downer in a conversation and I know that. People don't know what to say when I bring up stuff like this, especially those with kids. So I just keep it to myself, which I have been doing a lot lately. Is it good for me? Hell no.

And BTW, if I have to hear that one more person is pregnant on facebook, I may punch my screen or just get off of it all together (and this is not an idle threat - well the part about getting off facebook. I won't punch my screen)

YOGA! YOGA! YOGA!

2011-05-12T09:58:00.001-05:00

So after years of talking about it, I finally went to a Yoga class. My mom has been on me to go b/c she thinks it will help with tension and stress. So when I saw a 20 class pass on http://www.livingsocial.com/ I grabbed it and started my dive into clarity and calmness through Yoga.

Now for those who do not know me, I went to a VERY liberal private school from 6th Grade on where I was taught mostly by old hippies (whom I adored!), we took a nature walk every day and really did have some classes outside. The only rule was "Respect People and Property" so I have experienced the whole natural and peaceful way of life.

Back to Yoga: I walk in the class and there are a few women laying on their mats surrounding two lit candles in the center of the room. This was surprising to me as I thought we would all be facing the mirror. How I am supposed to take my normal place in the back of the class if we are in a circle? The class was fun but I realized I. AM. NOT. FLEXIBLE.

So I found out breathing is really important in Yoga too. In fact, so important that a few of the ladies sounded like Darth Vader. I actually had to open my eyes and look up from positions to see who the the daughter of Vader was. (I could never figure it out but pretty sure it was the teacher) But it did make me giggle.

Then the lady next to me did it (no she didn't poot) she made a moan. And not just a moan like I do in spin class between curse words. This was a full on sex noise. And I lost it. (I know you are thinking this chick is really mature right about now) I was able to not actually bust out laughing but instead did the shaking laugh hoping that no one noticed.

I will keep you updated on this whole Yoga thing. After the first class, I am just really sore in my upper back but I really did enjoy it.

Mother's Day

2011-05-05T11:25:00.007-05:00

I am very close to my mother (and when I say VERY close, I mean I would still let her carry me on her hip if I wasn't too heavy for her to carry around) So, Mother's Day doesn't sting as much as it could. I tend to just concentrate on her and what an awesome mom she is and leave it at that. Or at least I try. I can't help but add up the years sometimes though. I sometimes think, if I hadn't miscarried this would be my third Mother's Day or if if the result from IVF had been different, this would actually my first one. What if's can drive me crazy. And to top it off, I woke up Mother's Day morning to my monthly visitor and I just laughed. Of course I started THAT day. It seems like my body just wants to kick me when I am down. Now, in my uncrazy moments, I realize that I could probably turn any day I start my period into something in my mind (I am dramatic like that). But last month, starting on the day of a baby shower I had to attend then on Mother's Day? Come on body, or universe, or fate, or whoever or whatever decides this kind of stuff, cut this chick a break.

It seems like it is BABYPALOOZA around me with pregnant people or husbands of pregnant people (I found out 4 guys I work with have wives that are expecting). I am not kidding. I know at least 10 people who are expecting at the moment and one that just had one this past weekend. And with every announcement, I smile (if person is in front of me) but in my head I am screaming. I wonder when this will end for me? I need it to or I am contemplating cutting off all contact with outside world. (yeah right)

National Infertility Awareness Week (NIAW)

2011-04-26T09:11:00.006-05:00

I had no idea this was even a "week". But now a days, it seems like there is a group or week for anything and everything so why not infertility? Sounds good to me.

If you know someone else who is having trouble starting a family, my advice is: BE SENSITIVE. Don't bring it up. If they want to talk about it, they will. I am very open about our struggles when I WANT to be. But when I am caught off guard by a question during normal conversation, I have very little time to decide how to respond. I don't want to be the "bitch" who says "I don't want to talk about it" so most of the time I just start spilling my guts, even if I don't want to. This is something I need to work on and I recognize that. But when I am put on the spot, I don't know how to react except go with the flow. Even if I am completely mortified and upset that I am having to talk about this when I am not ready and prepared. I am willing to talk about it but on my own terms.

Can a girl catch a break?

2011-04-12T14:39:00.004-05:00

So, yesterday was a quiet day here around the office. I work in a suite with a few other ladies and they were all off yesterday so I was super excited about blaring my music loud and getting organized. I was sitting there making cover letters for some reports and enjoying every minute (yes I am that dorky) when another co-worker from the suite across the way came over and asked if I would mind helping wrap the baby shower gifts and decorating. I was SHOCKED to say the least. I had already given my whole uncomfortable spill about how "I don't do baby showers but would attend this one since it is during work hours...blah blah blah" when they asked me to help plan. I was feeling really good about setting my boundaries (which is something that is very hard for me to do in all aspects of my life) and then the same person asks me to help again. So what did I do? I helped. (I have the spine of a jellyfish)

So I went in there and hung bright pink "It's a Girl" signs, baby rattles and streamers across our conference room (looks like its been hosed down with pepto bismol - anyone get the reference?), the whole time trying to forget what the signs said and stood for. I am a trooper and I got through it though. I was thinking Ishould get a medal or something for this shit then it hit me and I cried.

I haven't let myself cry over this kind of stuff in a really long time. I thought I was getting better at dealing but I guess not. I was sad, jealous, angry, mad at myself for being selfish when I would like to just feel HAPPY for someone who is expecting. It was a lot of emotions going through me and I lost it. But I didnt' let myself get down for too long (there were happy hour drinks to be consumed!).

This morning I am still upset for not standing up for myself and my emotions the day before and right when I walk in to work, I am hit with it again. "Hey this sign fell, can you go hang it back up?" I didn't say a word, I just walked straight to the water cooler. When i get to my office the "It's a Girl" sign is laying on my desk. It took ALL OF ME not to freak out right there and start kicking ass. But I like my job for the most part and kinda need it for money and such, so I got a piece of tape, threw the sign against the wall and shoved the tape on the top corner (I didn't even care that the tape was showing at this point)

Now please note, I am very open in my life about my struggles and the people planning this shindig know everything I have been through. All I can think is that they didn't realize what they were doing was a bit too much. Until I finally told her

The final straw was when an email went out saying that I and another co-worker were to take care of the food set up. I was not asked about this at all and at this point I am way beyond my limit of what I can deal with regarding this shower. So I sent a very nice email back saying that I need to set limits and that I would appreciate it if someone else would take care of the food set up. I will attend the shower but that I cannot do anything else to prepare for it. I am VERY proud of myself for this. So I am sitting pretty tall after that and think that this was the extra oomph to get me through the baby shower.

I went, it seemed awkward at first but then I think some people kinda lightened up. (including myself) We had lunch, cupcakes, cookies, she opened her gifts and I could really tell she was genuinely surprised and excited. Went back to work after and then after a while when I went to potty, I saw it.....

I FUCKIN STARTED MY PERIOD.

Baby Shower Blues

2011-04-06T15:01:00.007-05:00

So at some point a few months back I had officially decided that I would not attend another baby shower. I would send my regrets and a gift and be done with it. B/c let's face it, it's about the gifts.. You can go on and on about how it is about celebrating this new life but come on. I see right through it. I have yet to ever be invited to a shower where even if the invite said NO GIFTS, the mom to be gave the gift back if someone ignored the warning and so happened to bring one. So watching some adorable glowing woman open gift after tiny gift, while drinking punch and eating cake isn't worth the hours of tears I will cry later. I am happy for the mom to be, but I know my limits.

(Side Note: I realize that if I ever do get pregnant, I can NEVER have a shower after turning down invite after invite and stating it is all about the gifts. So, if the miracle ever does happen, I better win the lotto or go to Ellen's mother day special or my kid would be sleeping in the crate with Max and wearing potato sacks.)

Now back on subject, there is a surprise work shower for a co-worker and it is during business hours at our office so pretty much I am forced to go. I refuse to be the one cold hearted baby hatin' bitch who sits in her office eating her lunch while everyone else is at a shower less than 50 feet from her. So I am doing what I have learned very well to do over the past few years. Suck it up, smile and go to the shower. I will post how it goes on Tuesday. Wish me luck. I will be chanting this like a mantra :"I will not cry, I will not cry. Pass me another piece of cake. "

Paranoid take 2: Was I unfriended b/c you are pregnant?

2011-03-18T14:50:00.003-05:00

So, I hate social media (but not enough to delete my account). And why do I hate it you ask? B/c it is just another way for someone not to talk to you. I was "un-friended" by someone a while back. Well actually I do not know how long ago I was "un-friended" b/c I didn't notice until someone pointed it out to me. Anywho, the point of this is that I automatically think "She is pregnant". Not "I wonder what I did to offend her? What did I say or not say" to get me the coldest of the cold in the friend arena - taking one off the friends list? Isn't that crazy that I automatically go to "SHE IS PREGNANT". Then I realized how conceited I am about this crap, it is all about how I feel and not how others feel when they have to tell me. (for that I am sorry and please know I do feel horrible that my friends cringe at the thought of telling me they are expecting) and why on earth would she take me off just b/c pregnant? I then realized that she probably just took me off b/c I said something to piss her off or I am boring, not to save me from her pregnancy talk/photos. How much have I let this consume me where I think people would take me off their friends' list b/c of it? I have officially reached the self absorbed infertility stage so next time you see me, punch me in the arm and tell me snap out of it.

Celebrity Pregnancies and other b*llshit

2011-03-17T09:06:00.004-05:00

So now I not only have to worry about which friend is going to tell me she is pregnant next, I also have to sit back and watch all these celebrities who are way older than me, get knocked up (Alyssa Milano, Christina Applegate, Alicia Silverstone) and have babies. Any time I turn on to the celebrity tv shows (E Network, Extra - yes I watch this crap, don't judge) I now see something about someone getting pregnant. These shows used to be my escape from my infertile and childless life, now they just remind me of who I am. Then, one of the funniest shows on TV, has a storyline where the couple is trying to get pregnant and it is taking longer than they thought (I wish I could still say that to people - "its just taking a little longer than we thought"). So either which way, I will have to watch them suffer through infertility or watch her miraculously become pregnant and have a baby. I am not sure which is the worst of the two evils.

Here is the thing that I have decided bothers me the most, I can have a really nice car, travel more than I could if we had a child and sleep in on the weekends, but when we are old and unable to do things ourselves, who is going to be there to take care of us?

I wanna punch something.

2011-03-07T10:08:00.004-06:00

That is it. I thought you all would like to know. I mean seriously.....PUNCH. SOMETHING. and CRY. And then eat ice cream while I get a pedicure to make me feel better. Ice cream with cookies in it. Yeah, that would do the trick.

It comes in 3s right?

2011-02-01T11:08:00.004-06:00

In the past week, I have found out that three different people I know are pregnant so hoping that is it for a while but I have a sneaking suspicion it isn't and there may be a 4th person popping up soon. Just to reiterate, it isn't that I am not happy for these couples, it is that I am selfish and wish it was me. It isn't that I don't want others to be pregnant, I would just like to be pregnant with them or before them or heck, after them. Beggars can't be choosers and I will take what I can get.

It's one of those things where I feel like everyone is moving on with life and I am still stuck in this infertile limbo stage. A light just went off in my head and I realized Dante should have made this a level of hell!!!! Kinda funny in one way but in another, so not cool.

Infertility Etiquette

2011-01-14T15:15:00.004-06:00

A friend of mine sent me this link today and since reading it, I have decided to share it with my family and friends. I do not expect anyone to know how I feel (and I wouldn't wish it on anyone either) but I would like friends and family to know how to talk to me and I think this gives a little insight and advice on how to deal with the "crazy" infertile.

http://www.resolve.org/support-and-services/for-family--friends/infertility-etiquette.html

Not this year.

2010-12-31T08:47:00.003-06:00

Well unfortunately I didn't get exactly what I wanted for Christmas. Aunt Flow reared her ugly head the day after Christmas and it ruined my dreams of telling Josh I had one more gift for him and showing him a positive pregnancy test on New Years Eve. Yes, these are the fantasies I have now. No longer are they consumed with winning the lottery or being famous, now my fantasies consist of me peeing on a stick and seeing a + sign. (Kinda sad isn't it?). Well, maybe next Christmas. But my positive outlook of this miracle happening is getting less and less enthusiastic. Bleh.

I am not going to lie, I am BEAT DOWN with this infertility crap. I am tired of it consuming my life. Sure, I function on a daily basis, I get up, go to work, clean the house, pay the bills, and eat (too much) but I feel like I want to scream a LOT. My anxiety level over the last few years has SKY ROCKETED. It is the weirdest thing, I will be fine just going on with daily things and then I will get VERY TENSE. Sometimes there are triggers but other times, I can't tell you why I get this way. I just do and have to wait for it to pass.

I was asked the other day when the "old" Kelley will be coming back and it made me incredibly sad because the only answer I could give was "She isn't. this is who I am now" and I HATE it.

My Letter to Santa.

2010-12-14T11:06:00.004-06:00

Dear Santa,

I think I have been pretty good this year minus a few hiccups here and there but who are we kidding here? No one is perfect. So here is my list:

1. Healthy Baby Girl or Boy (I am not picky) growing in my belly.
2. Iphone 4

Thanks,

Kelley

(Next step: going to sit on the fat man's lap to tell him in person. Hey, I am covering all my bases, our mail system isn't always reliable.)

31

2010-12-03T21:01:00.004-06:00

I remember when I was a kid I LLLOOOOVVEEEDDDD my birthday. Loved it so much I had an entire birthday week dedicated to me getting a year older. Then I turned 29 and I wanted to stop time and not get a year older until I felt more accomplished in my life. The last three years, I have DREADED my birthday, mostly because I see my window for having a baby getting smaller and smaller but also because I can't help but think about the life I envisioned for myself at 30. Married, two kids (one girl and one boy), stay at home mom, room mother for kid's classes, going to soccer games and dance recitals on the weekends, doing mom things. It's weird how life takes you to places you never dreamed for yourself and sometimes doesn't take you to the places you always thought you belonged.

On a completely different subject, I have been extremely curious about how women who have struggled with infertility feel when they are finally pregnant? And when they finally hold that precious baby in their arms? Do you forget everything you went through and all the tears that have been shed? I am just curious because let's say I do get pregnant again eventually and make it past the 1st trimester (GASP!) When will I get to the point where I can take a deep breath and relax? After the first trimester? When I have the baby in my arms? When that baby turns 18? Will I ever relax? Probably not. (I am a spaz)

Mouse on a wheel

2010-11-08T09:03:00.003-06:00

Sometimes I feel like no matter how hard I try I am never going to get where I want to be. Most days I just ignore that fact that we can't get pregnant. I go along my daily routine trying not to think about what cycle day I am on, if I am ovulating, or if I were to get pregnant right now, when the due date would be.

But then there are days like today....Where I can't concentrate because of something that was said to me which caused me to spiral down into all my "infertile emotions" again. I desperately want to have a child. But not just for me. I want one for Josh and my parents I think more than I want one for myself. I have been told by both parties they are fine with either outcome so I try to find some peace in that. That I am not letting anyone down but myself and that I can deal with. But then little things slip out and it comes to my attention that they do want me to have a child. My mom does want to be a grandma. For those who don't know my mom, when you look at her you just know she was meant to be a mother and a grandmother. She just has that aura around her. And if you know me at all, you know I HATE to let people down. Especially my parents.

That's it really. Just having a "down" day and felt like I needed to get that off my chest since I still do not have a counselor. Yeah, I figure why pay them when I can just type everything I need to say on here for free? The whole world is my counselor.

Scentsy for a baby!

2010-10-08T15:37:00.003-05:00

I sent out the following email to friends and family so thought I should share the news here too since it does have to do with our last frozen embryo:

Happy Friday!

I am just now starting to sell Scentsy and was hoping that ya’ll could help give me a jump start. I decided to sell Scentsy to help my husband, Josh, and I realize our dream of being parents and pay for our frozen IVF cycle in the next year. Here is a little background on our infertility struggles:

Started TTC in September 2007
Got pregnant the old fashioned way in March 2008 and miscarried in May.
TTC for over a year without luck
1 unsuccessful IUI in June 2009
1 successful IVF in October 2009, which also resulted in miscarriage.
Now we just take things one day at a time and pray for a miracle until we have enough money for our frozen cycle.

As you may or may not know, infertility procedures and meds are VERY EXPENSIVE and insurance rarely covers anything so we need some extra cash. I was already SCENTSY CRAZY in my house and car, so thought I would give this a try. This product is amazing. I have had friends, family and strangers (the plumber!) comment about how nice my house smells and all I use is Scentsy.

If you aren't sure what Scentsy is or you are interested in purchasing, selling Scentsy with me or hosting a home or basket party, please let me know or visit my website. You can buy online too! :)

https://kelleyfranklin.scentsy.us/Home

For those of you who don't know, a basket party is there one person signs up to host and then they have 10-14 days where they have catalogs, order forms, and sample scents (in a basket, get it?!) and try to get as many people to order as possible and they still get the host points! :) You still get all the perks of being a host but don't have to clean your house for guests! SCORE!

*The first three people to book either a home or basket party with me will receive a free gift.* (on top of the hostess points)

Note: I am not going to harass you to buy Scentsy (people like that get on my nerves too) Unless you ask for more information, this will be the only email I send to you. But please feel free to forward email onto anyone you think may be interested.

Check with me before you eat anything out of our freezer!

2010-09-15T16:02:00.004-05:00

We have one embryo left and I finally got our renewal notice in the mail the other day. We have decided to renew for another year even though I am no where near the point of getting that sucker implanted in my uterus. Just the thought makes me want to go to bed and not get up for a week. I wish there was something they could do just to knock me out for the waiting period and then wake me up and tell me "You are pregnant" or "Sorry it didn't work". Well wait, then let's go a step further and knock me out until the first trimester is over or EVEN BETTER, let me be out the whole 9 months. That way there is no chance I could drive myself and Josh crazy.

I guess I should look into the testing before I even entertain the thought of doing anything with this last little egg. I was happy to know that if we decide not to go through with the last egg, we can donate it to someone else. But then I started thinking how messed up that is. 1. Why would someone want an infertile's egg? and 2. That is OUR egg and you bet your sweet butt the clinic is going to charge whoever they give it to something for it. If we donate it, shouldn't we get a cut of that? I mean it is our egg and sperm. Give it to me, I will pop it in our freezer and check out the street value.

Awkward Family Photos

2010-08-24T10:33:00.004-05:00

We all have websites we check daily to waste time. This site makes me laugh every time I look at it.

http://awkwardfamilyphotos.com/

The latest post I keep going back to and laugh every time:

http://awkwardfamilyphotos.com/2010/08/19/flower-girls/

Seriously, if you don't laugh at that little girl's face, you have no sense of humor. I am laughing right now just thinking about it.

Happy Tuesday!

Painters, we are not.

2010-08-18T09:20:00.006-05:00

What does one do when she can't get pregnant (besides shop)? A project of course!

I have been watching TONS of HGTV lately and I got this crazy idea that Josh and I could do projects together. I watched all these couples doing all this really cool stuff to their spaces and I wanted to be them. At first, I googled "how to build a deck" so I could have my dream outdoor space, but then realized I had set my sights a little too high for the old man and me. So I took it back a few notches and decided we should start small and paint the office and our bathroom. I was SO EXCITED! In my head, I imagined Josh and I laughing, talking, listening to music, painting while we looked into each other's eyes lovingly, a real bonding experience for us. And when we were done we would have this beautiful room that was painted in love that we could be proud of. I didn't take one thing into account when dreaming up this scenario. Josh and I do not work well together.

A few Sundays ago, we made the journey to Home Depot. I am always so excited to buy stuff there. I turn into a nine year old child who wants to show everyone what they are going to do and get praise for it. I want to scream at all the employees "Look at me! Look at what I am buying! Look! I am doing it all myself!" This visit should have been my clue that our project was not going to be the love fest I thought it was. We fought down one aisle and up the next trying to pick out paint and supplies. I didn't know if I wanted flat or semi gloss. Do we buy paint with primer in it or prime first, then paint? I found the "paint guy" and told him we were first time "do it your selfers" and his response was "I normally don't work in the paint section"
So after arguing some more with Josh and grabbing what I thought were the appropriate painting tools, we paid and got out of there. (Note: It was almost as much as hiring a painter would have cost us but I returned stuff later and got $ back, so I feel better)

One night Laura and I taped the room and the next night, the three amigos were going to tackle this project with primer. I am still delusional thinking this is going to be great and fast and fun. Then the tides turned. The minute Josh and I have to work together we turn on each other. I thought he had too much paint on the roller and when I told him he ignored me then when I repeated it, he said "it's fine. Quit nagging" It was on from there. It is all a haze at this point but there were plenty
shut ups and shhhs between us. We moved onto the bathroom (where the ceiling is painted) and that is when ALL HELL BROKE LOOSE. Some highlights:

I burnt my arm more than once on the lights.
Paint was spraying all over us.
The plastic kept coming undone from wall and sticking to us.
We couldn't get behind the toilet.
Paint got on vanity.
The extender fell and the roller hit Josh on the head and skunked his hair, which upset him and so he threw said roller and it hit the carpet. I screamed. He screamed. We all screamed and cussed. Cussed ALOT.

After 3 hours, we had kinda primed. Laura left (I think to escape World War III which was happening in our bedroom) and Josh and I sat down and argued a little more. After we were both defeated, we agreed to call a painter to finish the job. It wasn't worth our marriage and sanity to complete this project.

That night we laid in bed and laughed hysterically while discussing opening up our own painting business. I swear we may fight like mortal enemies but we always end up laughing until we are in tears in the end. We have been told we should try out for Amazing Race since we work so well together (hey, it would be awesome TV)

I have now decided building a deck is definitely out for us.

Article on Infertility

2010-08-05T15:47:00.003-05:00

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/38311820/ns/health-womens_health/

You know the one thing that gives me some peace in all of this? Reading things like this that tell me I am not a FREAK or alone b/c I am infertile. It is good to know that all these feelings I have don't make me a bad person. I get caught up in a cycle that goes somewhat like this:

1. Paranoid - someone is pregnant, I just know it. Her shirt is loose, she looks bloated, she isn't drinking, etc.
2. Sad - get the news someone is pregnant (and it isn't me)
3. Jealous - Why can this person get something so easy?
4. Angry - Why am I not pregnant?
5. Sad (again) - but this time it is that the person was scared to tell me and that I was ever angry in the first place. (self loathing time)
5. Happy for that person
6. Paranoid (all over again)

You will never believe this.

2010-07-16T12:51:00.008-05:00

Ever since my miscarriage I have been seeing a therapist and I absolutely adored her. I really did feel better after each session and even got the point where I didn't require my standing appointment. I would just call her whenever I needed to get in. So I hadn't seen her in a while because I thought I was sittin' pretty dealing with my internal issues (my head is a mess sometimes) and just the other day thought I would like to go talk to her soon but never got around to making the appointment. WELL THANK GOD, b/c I received an email from her on Wednesday night letting me know she is pregnant.

YEP. The therapist I see to deal with all my fertility issues is pregnant. Now wait, she is 40 and never thought she would have her own kids. While I am happy that happened for her, I am still trying to digest that the THERAPIST I see for FERTILITY is PREGNANT. She sent me a very nice email and told me that if she had thought this could have ever happened, she would not have taken my case and apologized because a LOT of my sessions were about me handling the news that someone else around me is pregnant. So I cried because that is what I do. But later when Josh and I were in bed talking, I started laughing at the absurdity of it all. I was still upset but I think at that point, I just couldn't cry over anymore BS anymore, so what else is there to do but laugh.

In her email, she said that maybe I could look at her story and see hope for myself and a few other people have told me that too. I am going to just say this because it is true. There is no way I want be to be 40 years old and pregnant. I know it works out great for other people but I do not see that as being a positive for us. When I am 40, Josh will be 46 and a first time dad, no way. At that point, Josh and I would have established a life sans kids not to mention I would be a NERVOUS WRECK every minute of every day thinking I was going to lose the baby, then there's the pesky chromosome thing which I trip out about now for women who are pregnant that aren't even me.

Am I saying it's now or never for us? DAMN RIGHT. No, I am kidding. I know it won't be right now (on top of the news from my therapist, Aunt Flow showed up to for her visit) but I also can't wait 10 years to have a baby. I am ok with meeting somewhere in the middle though and if not, then parenting and I can go our separate ways.

Am I ready to get back on the saddle? Well actually "In the stirrups"

2010-07-13T10:29:00.004-05:00

We have one frozen egg still waiting on it's would-be parents to make a decision on whether we can attempt to make a family with it. I am so torn b/c we have paid for storage and I hate to think we wasted all that money for an egg that will be thrown away. On the other hand, am I ready to go through this again? I have just recently allowed myself to even toy with the idea and it is extremely frightening.
Before I would even attempt a frozen cycle, I would have tests run that are now covered by my insurance since I have miscarried twice. So it will be a long road ahead of me full of more tears and let downs or one of a new life. I feel like I am on the high dive and trying to decide if I should jump right into the unknown or if I should climb down the stairs to the hard cold ground I am familiar with.

Gee, how about some cheese with that "whine"?

2010-06-28T13:11:00.005-05:00

It's a little embarrassing to go back and read through my posts because the majority of them are SO WHINEY and WOAH IS ME. After a while, I would be surprised if anyone came back to read. But I have to remind myself that the purpose of this blog is to work through my feelings about our situation and not necessarily for the enjoyment of my 3-4 readers. Yes I think i have that many readers, jealous? I am BIG TIME in the blog world.

My friend had her son's 1st birthday party this weekend and that morning she called to inform me that two of the chicks that will be there are expecting and one of them is already griping about being pregnant. Yay. I could tell she felt awkward and I hate that people feel that way about telling me something that would otherwise be happy news. I hate that people need to try and warn me if a pregnant woman will be within 20 feet of me, especially when I barely know the knocked up chicks. It makes me wonder sometimes why they tell me beforehand. Do they think if I didn't know and when it came up, I will burst into tears and run out the door screaming or make some kind of big scene, kidnapping babies to call my own on the way out? In reality, I know they don't know what I will do and are just trying to protect me.

Well, it isn't fun or happy, but just so you know, I will cry. Not in front of anyone but Josh. I have become the queen of holding myself together in front of people when fertility is involved. In my head, I will curse but on the outside I will smile and be as normal as I can possibly be. After my good cry, I will pull myself back together and think about the happy side of this, that someone else is pregnant. I will quit being selfish and only thinking of me me me and think about the other person and I am truly happy for them.

My therapist (infertility has driven me to seek professional help) thinks that I need to tell family and friends the best way to share this news with me. The problem is, I don't know that there is any way that would be better than the other so I am still working on that.

Here is my earliest draft:

Dear Friend and Family,

The following are acceptable ways to break the news to me that you are pregnant.

1. Send it in a letter by pigeon.
2. Singing telegram
3. Write it on a $100 bill and give that to me (to keep of course) I will also take anything over $100.
4. When you start to notice I have lost weight then you can tell me in person (only after telling me how good I look)
5. In Morose code
6. Call me when you are in labor
7. Just tell me but then promise me that I will be the kid's favorite person in the whole wide world and follow through after said kid is born
8. While on space mountain at Happiest Place on Earth
9. After I win the lottery
10. After I have my own perfect baby in my arms

Regards,

Kelley

The thing that actually broke me down.

2010-06-22T14:35:00.005-05:00

After all that has happened over the past few years, I cannot believe that a dog is what is going to break me down.

A Little Background:
This past April my mom found some Collie puppies in the paper and after trying to convince my brother and his wife to get one with no luck, she set her sights on her youngest child (me). I was an easy catch. I mean who doesn't love puppies??? Especially after another miscarriage. I thought that if I got a puppy, I could get over the feeling of not being pregnant or having a baby. We thought Josh would be a hard sale so I sent in the big guns (MY MOM). After a 20 minute phone call she had Josh on board (SHE IS REALLY GOOD).
We got Max and I won't go into detail about his behavior but he is very reminiscent of Marley in "Marley and Me". He is a handful or as my dad likes to put it "he is a joy to be around".

I am the one who wanted the dog and I know that. Maybe that is why I am so stressed over it. And believe me, I am reminded every day by someone that I am the one who wanted the dog. And so I know he is MY responsibility but the only times I am not having to watch him so he doesn't tear up a chair or shit in my floor, is when he is outside. Yes, Josh's idea of watching the dog is watching tv or playing on the computer while the dog follows me around the kitchen while I make dinner. When I gripe, what does he do? He puts him in the backyard. That is not OK with me. I don't think it is right to just stick a dog in a backyard b/c you don't want to watch him/her.
Then I get the people who are dog experts or think they are looking down their noses at me saying "well he is a puppy. what did you expect?" Yes, I am a failure. I am not strong enough to handle a dog. I get it. I lose. Game Over. Next Please.

Everyone tells me how strong I am for what I have gone through the last few years. Well now they will get to say "Man, did you hear Kelley finally lost it? Yeah, the puppy pushed her over the edge and after all her infertility issues"

I will admit it. We weren't ready for a dog. This is all my fault. So here comes all the guilt. I am 30 years old and if I can't handle a puppy, how on earth would I handle a baby or babies? Maybe God knows what He is doing by not allowing me to have a child. I don't think I could mentally take it. Just having this dog is about to push me off the deep end.

The Fat Girl's Nemesis - THE GYM

2010-06-18T09:36:00.003-05:00

So I finally got my butt back to the gym last night. It's funny b/c the anticipation is much worse than actually going. And I know that if I can just force myself to go that first time, I will actually enjoy it and start to get back in the routine. It is getting there that is the problem.

All day yesterday I kept thinking about how much I loathe the gym, how hot it is outside, how I have 10,000 other things I need to get done, how I wish I had gotten up early and gone before work and how I should just wait and start Monday. Anything and everything to talk myself out of going.

Then 4:30 came and it was go time. I dragged myself out of the sweet bliss of air conditioning in my office to get into a STEAMING 100+ hot car. I drove to the gym still debating in my head if I should go, my legs sticking to the hot seats (rethinking the decision to get leather seats in a black car in Texas). I am not going to lie, I pulled in and sat in my car thinking "I don't wanna" I was throwing a little girl fit in my head, pouting and all. But the "mature" side of my brain was saying "just go in and do it. You will fill tons better and will actually enjoy it" My immature side of the brain was now sticking its tongue out at the mature side. As in most cases, the mature side won and I went in and did 35 minutes on the elliptical. And just like my mom normally is, the mature side was right. I did enjoy it and I had tons of energy after to go to the store and get other things done around the house.

June 14th, 2010

2010-06-14T09:29:00.004-05:00

Today would have been my due date. Normally I am really bad at dates but this date stuck with me because today is also my best friend's 30th birthday. I remember when the nurse told me the due date a sense of excitement came over me. As soon as she left, I turned to Josh and said "that is Steph's birthday. That is a sign from God that everything is going to be OK." I was so happy and could not wait to get through this appointment and call her to tell her the awesome news. But I never got the chance. Less than 5 minutes later that all changed when the Dr came in and couldn't find anything on the sonogram. My heart broke right there in that chair and it stayed broken for a very long time.

Today, 9 months later, my heart has mostly healed and my best friend is 30. Do I wish things had turned out differently? OF COURSE! Am I happy where I am today in my life with Josh, family and friends. I can honestly say "yes". (and this is the first time I have said this in the past 9 months) I am so proud of the person I am. I am stronger than I have ever imagined I could be. What I have been through the last few years has not only showed my strength but has also helped me realize how important it is to surround yourself with loving friends and family that will be there at your best and your worst.

Dissapointment (over and over again)

2010-05-25T14:59:00.004-05:00

Don't you hate it when you get your hopes up only to be dissapointed? I hadn't let myself get my hopes up in a long time but this past month I just had a "different" feeling. I don't know what it was but for some reason I thought that this month would be miracle month and I was going to get pregnant. We aren't actively trying or taking temps or meds or anything like that....I just thought maybe this month I would have a good egg and Josh would have an olympic type swimmer and they would meet, have a nice time and get it on and put a baby in my belly. I got even more excited b/c I started spotting a week before Aunt Flow was due to arrive although I kept this information to myself. For some reason, I feel like if I tell someone, I would be tempting fate and it would all come crashing down on me. I did tell Josh that I was spotting on Saturday but that I didn't want to talk about it and he obliged.

It was not meant to be b/c Aunt Flow reared her ugly head in the middle stall today at work. I am not going to kid myself and think "oh maybe it is just implantion bleeding" It isn't and as much as I wish it was, I am a hardened woman when it comes to this stuff now and I know that even if I live in denial for another 24 hours, it will still be there to show me once again this month, I am not going to have Miracle Baby Franklin.

I don't talk about this much outside of this blog b/c I know it makes other people feel uncomfortable as well as myself. But I recently have opened up to one of my best friends about it via email and one thing we talked about is God's place in all of this. I have struggled over the last few years with blame for our situation. Since there has been no one or thing to blame, I turned my blame towards God. Why would he make me go through this when others have it so much easier? At one point, I went even further and thought "why would God let bad things happen to good people or children or babies?" Why can't he stop these things from happening?

After much thought and reading a book that at this time in my life really spoke to me, I came to realize a very different belief of His power. He did create the universe and everything in it but he also gave us as His creation, free will and has no control over the good or bad things that happen to us. But he does promise to be with us every step of the way through life if we let him. Now before you start rolling your eyes and thinking "oh no, Kelley's gone all crazy Christian on us", that is not the case nor am I looking to save your soul or push my beliefs on you. I am just trying like most people who have struggled with their beliefs to find peace in life. Have I found it? No. Am I working on it? Yes, every day I work on myself and my relationship with others and with God. I know He wants me to have a baby as bad as I do and hopefully one day, our miracle baby will arrive but until then I need to try not to doubt his purpose.

Take that ovaries

2010-04-06T08:58:00.005-05:00

Dear Ovaries,

Since you are all grandma-like and wont' produce as many eggs as you should at the ripe old age of 30, which makes it extremely difficult to birth my own child, I have taken things into my own hands. I went out and got me my own baby. And I think we got the best one! Sure, he is hairy, drools and has peed and pooped on my floor a few times but he is all mine and doesn't require diapers! Oh and he will never talk back....

Meet Maximus Markel Franklin. He was born January 26, 2010 and became a Franklin on April 2nd. He is a full blood blue meryl collie and is going to be HUGE.

Neglecting

2010-03-17T12:41:00.003-05:00

Yeah, I do. But I don't even know if anyone still bothers to read this anyways. I neglect this blog completely most days b/c not only is it a reminder of the biggest let down of my life (dramatic, anyone?) but also because when I read it, it hurts me to think about having to go through this again with the frozen egg. (the fee we paid up front to freeze it expires in October so trying to decide if we should just dump the Popsicle or attempt to unfreeze it and go for round 2 with my nemesis.....IVF. But alas, that is not a decision to be made today or anytime in the near future.

I still keep up with other infertiles on here and every time I read that IVF or IUI worked for these couples and they are expecting, I cry. These tears are not the same tears I cried many times when someone else got pregnant the old fashioned way (my jealous tears I call them, as harsh as it sounds, it is true). These tears are honestly tears of joy that someone who once felt the way I do and has gone through a similar situation, got their happy ending (or beginning depending on how you look at it). I guess these stories give me hope. I pray every day that God will bless Josh and I with a healthy baby but I also pray for a list of other couples, some of them I know and others are faceless bloggers who have helped and inspired me in different ways.

Most days, I try not to think about it. But there is a day every few weeks where it consumes me again. I let myself have that then the next day I move on. The one thing that has bothered me lately is that I really want to give my parent's grandchildren. My mom is one of those ladies who oogles over babies and goes on and on and I want to give her one she can oogle and hold and love on so badly and so I feel like I am letting her down. Josh's family already has grand kids so I am thankful I don't have the pressure of both families. And this pressure is not at all put on me by my mother or my family, it is my own doing and I recognize that. But nonetheless, it is still there. It is just something I need to learn to deal with and get over.

Angry Day

2010-03-09T18:00:00.003-06:00

Today is one of those days where I am just plain old angry. Angry at myself for things I can help and things I can't. Why can't I just miraculously get pregnant and 9 months later give birth to a healthy baby? Why is it that I constantly compare my life to others, but only when I am on the losing side of the comparison? Why is it that I bust my ass for 40 days and lose absolutely no weight? How do you know when being in a funk is actually slipping into depression? I am just angry about so many things and have all this frustration built up that I feel like I need some major release to make it all go away, but I have no idea what that release would be. I have good days and bad days, and today is a bad one.

So much for pretending

2010-01-19T11:22:00.003-06:00

I don't know if it is because Aunt Flow just left or because I am tired but today is one of those days where I emotionally hurting from not having a baby, not being pregnant, and not being fertile. I can honestly say that some days I am happy to just have the people and things I have in my life and realize how lucky I am but then there are other days when I am totally pretending that I am ok, everything is ok, that it will be fine if we don't ever conceive our own child. I say things like "we can travel, we can adopt, we can do whatever we want." And some days I believe it and then there are other days....Well today is an "other day. I feel like those statements are just a bunch of BS. We have accrued so much debt during treatments, I will be 100 by the time we could afford to travel or adopt. Not to mention, I only get a total of 2 weeks of vacation a year which really doesn't allow for much international traveling unless Mexico counts.

Also, I am trying to figure out a way to get this guy at work to quit calling me "Momma" every time he calls in or I see him. I am guessing he has no idea what I have gone through and means it as a term of endearment but everytime he says it, I just feel so defeated and my heart hurts a little b/c I start thinking about how I am not a mother, and more than likely won't be one ever and then my thoughts spiral out of control trying to see the future and maybe someday I will have a child but let's face it, odds are stacked against me with my infertility and lack of money. (One word makes all these emotions well up in me and I want to scream but I just smile on the outside and just answer his questions as if I don't have a care in the world) If I could say what I really wanted to, I would scream at him, "I have had 2 miscarriages, 1 IUI and 1 very expensive IVF attempt that failed. SO I am hardly a mother, so quit calling me that" then I would kick him. hehehe

I guess I just needed to get that out of my system today. I have a therapist appointment in an hour so I am hoping I get my money's worth from that! I really need it.

Oh and the whole I am quitting smoking after NYE has not been 100% successful, which annoys and makes me feel down. I am not full on smoking but I would be lying if I told the blogosphere I haven't had one here and there. Sometimes I hate it and think why did I just smoke then there are other times, I completely enjoy the relief. I need an another awesome relief...and if you say "work out", I will kick you. hehehehe

So, the thyroid is in your throat.

2010-01-12T09:07:00.004-06:00

I thought it was in your stomach! Yeah, I may have been on my way to being an expert in fertility but definitely not in any other medical areas as shown by my ignorance. Should have paid more attention in Biology class.....

Just a lil update on Josh and I and our infertile selves. Still not even thinking about pro-creating or the popsicle egg we have in reserve. We are just living life and trying to have as much fun as possible. As of lately, that has been a challenge as it seems like 2010 is not starting out as easy as we had hoped.

For those of you that don't know, Josh has a thyroid condition that is controlled by medicine. He went for his yearly checkup on Christmas eve and the Dr. felt a mass on his thyroid. Tons of tests and already meeting his 2010 deductable by January 6th later (EEK!), we found out he has 8 to 9 nodules on his thyroid. They are not cancerous yet but one of them is a lil discolored and another one is pushing on Josh's windpipe (which could explain his shortness of breath, heavy breathing and monstruous snoring). The thyroid Dr and the ENT Dr both agreed the best plan of attack is to remove Josh's thyroid. We were both very relieved it wasn't cancer but I am still a little weary of them cutting on him, especially on his throat. Josh will go in surgery on Thursday, February 18th at Centennial Hospital in Frisco. (That is my parents' 34th wedding anniversary. Dad has already offered to take Mom to cafeteria for their anniversary dinner!) The surgery should take 2 to 3 hours then they will keep him overnight to monitor his breathing, then he will come home either Friday or Saturday and rest for the next week and then be good as new and ready to go back to work on Monday, March 1st.

So that is what is going on with us...oh yeah and Sunday our bathroom flooded from a backed up pipe. Yay....2010 (can you smell the sarcasm?)

Am I really getting better at this?

2009-12-07T18:17:00.003-06:00

I got some news this evening that once again someone else I know is pregnant. And maybe I am getting better at hearing this news or I am numb to it, or have come to expect that every 4.2 weeks I will inevitably here the words "I am pregnant" and it won't be me saying it. Maybe it is because this time it wasn't someone that I see all that much. Well whatever the reason, I am happy to report that I did not start feeling sick at my stomach, I didn't cry, I didn't get angry, I didn't automatically get in pajamas, turn off light and pull the covers over my head (all things I have done in the past to cope with the news that someone else is pregnant). My response "was oh, how far along is she?" That's cool. After I said it, I was taken aback at my reaction. Baby steps people (no pun intended). Just don't expect to see me throwing baby showers or even attending one soon.

WARNING: This will not always be my reaction in future. Pregnant chicks: Approach with caution.

30th Birthday has come and gone and it was perfect.

2009-12-07T18:09:00.004-06:00

I had a GREAT Birthday this year, thanks to Josh and my friends and family. Turning 30 really wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. On Saturday, Megan and I had a 70s roller disco Birthday party at Skateland. I had to share a few pictures with you.

The "other" birthday girl and I at our party.

The guys before we left for the party. Mitch, Kurt (don't ask), LB (Lame Bill) and Josh aka Wooderson.

Foxy Ladies.

Hilarious.

2009-11-30T14:53:00.003-06:00

So I got tired of reading blogs where everyone is like me. Then I found this:

http://999reasonstolaughatinfertility.blogspot.com/

and now I laugh hysterically. If you have gone through infertility, check this out. You will roll laughing. If you haven't, you probably won't get it and may be offended. But dang, it is all SO true!!!!!

Turning 30

2009-11-30T11:54:00.003-06:00

A few years ago if you asked me if I thought turning 30 would bother me, I would have definitely said "no way, it's just a number". So how come on the day before I turn 30, I am dreading my birthday more than Aunt Flow. Maybe because I am used to Aunt Flow showing up monthly and the disappointment she brings with her. Maybe because the fertility doctor told me that my chances of having my own children are dropping drastically every year, maybe because I am no longer young and now the people who work in the malls are referring to me as "ma'am", maybe because now I can't just think "it's OK I am not pregnant, I have time". I guess hitting 30 makes me feel like my time is running out and the door on having children is closing faster and faster every month.
I know when you make a timeline for yourself, you can never expect for it to work out exactly how you planned but it is still a disappointment. I honestly thought by 30, I would be married, have at least one kid and own my own house. Marriage - CHECK, everything else is still on my to-do list. And if you know me at all, you know how I LOVE to mark things off my to-do lists so these two are killing me.
So to add injury to my already foul mood of being an infertile non home owner at 30, I was hit with the news what someone else I know is pregnant unexpectedly. I don't get how all the ladies get pregnant unexpectedly. But I won't even go there.

I found this on another blog and had to share

2009-10-28T16:29:00.002-05:00

This is a story written by Christine Dallimore at We Are All Mothers. I know it is long but it describes perfectly the feelings and emotions I have had and am still having.

"Imagine yourself dressed up in your finest clothes. You and your sweet husband are attending a dinner together in one of the nicest restaurants in town. You both have planned, waited and saved for this evening. To say the least, you are very excited! You and your husband arrive and the atmosphere is more than you expected. Everyone around you is having a good time. The chandeliers are sparkling, candles are glowing and sweet soft music is playing in the background. To your pleasant surprise you see others there you know. You are seated with them and in your heart you think there just couldn't be anything better!The table is just exquisite. Breathtaking really. The people at your table begin to talk to you in jolly conversation. You glance at the menu and you don't even know where to begin! You look over everything slowly and carefully, especially the dessert menu! All of your life you have been hearing about this restaurant's marvellous and divine desserts. Deep in your heart, you have been looking forward to enjoying dessert the most!Everyone at your table orders their food. For dessert they all order chocolate cake. You think, "Hey that sounds perfect. I'll have chocolate cake too please." The waiter nods in approval and quickly swifts off to put in your order. In the meantime, you are still enjoying the surroundings, the music and the company. You grab your husband's hand and sigh "Yes, life just couldn't get any better."The food comes and everything looks just pleasing. Some of the things you tasted you really love, some of the things you didn't. Either way, you know that dessert is on its way. That thought in and of itself is just exciting! Then you see him, your waiter! Your wonderful, blessed waiter with a silver tray full of plates of chocolate cake! He comes and starts handing out plates to those you know. You look at the cake and to put it simply, it looks just divine. You're even more excited now! The waiter comes to your side and then passes you and your husband. You are shocked and think there must be some mistake. you don't know what to do, but rather than make a fuss you think, "Just wait, I will get my chocolate cake soon too."Those that have their dessert are going on and on about how amazing the taste is. You smile, you are truly happy for them. Deep down you are anxious and their feelings only feed your curiosity and desire. Then you see the waiter again and think, "Ahhh, here he is." You notice that he starts handing out seconds and thirds to those that have already had their piece of cake. Your husband doesn't notice, he's busy chatting with the fellow next to him! Deep down though you get a sick feeling in the pit of your stomach. You know something is wrong, something is very, very wrong.You ask the waiter, "Excuse me please. Where is my chocolate cake that I ordered"? The waiter just replies, "The baker has said that you must wait." He rushes off and not another word is said. Time goes on. You still enjoy the surroundings, the people and the conversations. All the while though, you can't get chocolate cake out of your mind. Time keeps creeping by and soon your husband notices too, "Where is our dessert?" You hold his hand and look into his loving eyes and think, "Even without chocolate cake, life is still good."Time, however, creeps and it creeps. At moments it seems like it has even stopped. It's getting late and people are noticing you haven't received your dessert yet. Questions start arising and you just don't know how to respond. You look around other tables and notice that people are also getting their third, fourth and fifth servings of dessert. "Why" is all you have to lean upon.You notice that others have ordered things for dessert besides chocolate cake. There is cherry pie, brownie ice cream sundaes, raspberry cheesecakes and such. They seem just as pleased, if not more pleased with their desserts and you wonder, "Should I order cherry pie too"? You talk to the waiter and he simply says, "I'm sorry ma'am, you just need to be patient and wait."You are starting to burn inside. Despite all of your best efforts you are beginning to boil. You really want to jump on top of the table and stomp while shouting, "Where is my chocolate cake?" You don't though because you know that will get you no where! Instead you look around and notice that there are some that are refusing their chocolate cake. "It will make me fat" one says. "Ugh. I have enough already" another states. One woman, simply dumps her beautiful chocolate cake onto the floor.As you look deeper around you, you notice there are a few others that are waiting too. Your heart goes out to them. You smile and wish there was something more you could do. You know their pain and it hurts. It really hurts.Finally, the waiter comes and he has chocolate cake on that familiar beautiful silver platter...and he has enough for two. One for your husband and one for you! Your so elated with joy that you can't hardly stand it!!! You tell everyone at your table and they are just as happy for you. "We knew it would happen" they say. "You just needed to relax"! Little did they know that deep inside relaxing was the last thing you were feeling! You look at your husband. Tears are in both of your eyes. You carefully take a taste. It's such sweet, sweet perfection. You go to take another and just before you do the waiter comes and gently takes your plates away. "Something is wrong" he says. "Don't worry my dear, the time is soon."There's confusion. Sadness. Anger. Above all though, you are just deeply and truly heartbroken. Heartbroken to the very core. You don't know what to do. You turn to others for support. They cry with you and too ask why. You take a deep breath and find the strength to go on. You have been given the promise that you will receive dessert. It is just not understood as to when. You decide to put your full trust in the baker. You reach far inside within yourself and find the effort to ask your husband to dance.He looks at you and smiles..."Yes, I would love to dance with you my dear one." You both get up, leave the table and set off to dance.As you are dancing, you get your bearings. You again begin to notice your surroundings. The beautiful surroundings that have so magically grabbed your attention in the first place. You remember the music, the sounds, the smell of the sweet flowers. You breath. That's all you can do. You breath and slowly begin to enjoy the moment again. Slowly, it all comes back to you. The things you love. Being with the person you love the most. The pains you have just felt are still there. Still vulnerable, but you feel life again. Yes, life is still good.After quite a few dances, you both decide it's time to sit at your table. People still have their desserts and their chocolate cakes. Your space is still empty. You decide, however, to really focus on those around you. In doing so you find more joy. The desire for dessert is still there- but it's manageable. Time moves on.Then suddenly, out of nowhere, your waiter appears. He has the biggest smile on his face. He is pleased to announce that you and your husband's dessert is finally here!! Your heart wells up with joy, but you're afraid too. You ask the waiter, "Will you take it away"? "No, this one was made especially for you." You smile back, hardly believing that this could be true or real. You look at it and it's not a dessert you have ever seen before. It's then that you realize that the baker has made a dessert with all of your favorite colors and flavors. Careful detail was lovingly taken into every consideration. "How did He know that this is exactly what I wanted"? The waiter just smiles and says, "Because he knows and loves you." If you look, you can see him there. You look and at the door, through the little round window you see a gentle man with tears in his eyes. He is grinning from ear to ear and looking at you and your husband. You can't hardly see anymore because of all of the happy tears. You whisper a big "Thank You" and in your heart you feel that this simple phrase will never be enough.You look at the people around you, they too have tears in their eyes. They too are smiling from ear to ear. Everything is so precious and tender now- even more so than when you first arrived here. It's then that you learn that the pains you have felt all along the way. The waiting, the crying, the agony. It's all been a special recipe to make this moment this much more wonderful and sacred.In your soul you take a deep breath and slowly let out a big sigh of gratitude.You grab your husband's hand and sigh again, "Yes, life just couldn't get any better."

While working, this song played and it really hit me hard today.

2009-10-27T09:25:00.002-05:00

Life Ain't Always Beautiful

Life ain't always beautiful
Sometimes it's just plain hard
Life can knock you down, it can break your heart
Life ain't always beautiful
You think you're on your way
And it's just a dead end road at the end of the day
But the struggle makes you stronger
And the changes make you wise
And happiness has it's own way of takin' it sweet time
No,life aint always beautiful
Tears will fall sometimes
Life aint always beautiful
But it's a beautiful ride
Life aint always beautiful
Some days I miss your smile
I get tired of walkin' all these lonely miles
And I wish for just one minuteI could see your pretty face
Guess I can dream, but life dont work that way
But the struggles makes me stronger
And the changes make me wise
And happiness has it's own way of takin' its sweet time
No, life aint always beautiful
But I know I'll be fine
Hey, life aint always beautiful
But its a beautiful ride
What a beautiful ride

In hindsight, I should have waited to post the last blog.

2009-10-27T09:22:00.004-05:00

I apologize for the last blog. I wrote it right after we got home from the Dr office and I wish now I would have waited at least a day. While I cannot help but worry how this will affect myself and my marriage, Josh and I are fine. I know I am lucky to have him. People search their entire lives to have what we have and most will never find it. I try to remember how lucky I am to just have him when I get upset about our current situation.

It's Over.

2009-10-23T09:10:00.004-05:00

I went to Dr this morning, no baby, no heartbeat, nothing. I had blood drawn to check and see if it is ectopic pregnancy and knowing my luck, it probably is. I cannot tell you effin' angry I am right now. I can't look at Josh without getting hysterical. I do not want to see or talk to anyone (especially if they are pregnant). I know it sounds mean and unfair to say, but it's the truth and how I feel and I think it is ok at this point for me to express that. I am so worried that this is the beginning of the end for Josh and I. Because, let's face it. I am going to be different. We are now 10k in debt and all i have for it are bruises where the effin shots went in. I am not going to be the same person I was before this and it pains me to know I will change for the worst. If you know a good therapist, send me their information. I feel like I am on the verge of just losing my mind and all the things that made me Kelley all my life are slowly going to drift away.

Thanks for all your prayers and thoughts during this time even if they didn't work. Please respect Josh and my privacy through this matter. I know normally I live my life as an open book but with this, I need to be left alone.

As of today, the shot count is up to 54.

2009-10-08T20:38:00.006-05:00

But not all of those were in my belly!! But they are still going and might be going through my first trimester....Not sure.

I got my third and final results on Monday and the nurse said she had some good news. My numbers went from 55 to 153 then started talking about continuing on the meds and for me to come in for sono in a few weeks then I stopped her and asked "Am I really pregnant?" She stopped and said "Yes. Congratulations, you are pregnant". My heart started to flutter and I couldn't believe it. The things I had been wanting since my miscarriage finally came true and at that moment, I felt a sense of relief. Until she told me I have to continue with the injections until my first sonogram on October 23rd then we will discuss. I know it could be just for the first 11 weeks but I am so sick of needles I could scream. But I will keep taking them every night for my baby.....Man this kid better rock after everything we have gone through, all the shots and pills and patches and sonograms, and....I could go on and on.

I had one pregnancy test left and I can't tell you how hard it was not to take it the weekend before we found out for sure I was pregnant. But I am so glad I did because I got awesome pictures like this one.

I can't wait to show these posts to our child so he/she will know what all we went through to get him or her here and show them how much we loved him/her before he/she was even conceived. I know the IVF journey is coming to a close but I cannot wait for the pregnancy journey to get going. Oh the things I will blog about now. I no longer know the definition of TMI.

Please keep up prayers for us and our little miracle.

I have officially been taken off bed rest.

2009-10-03T23:36:00.004-05:00

This morning was my second blood test to check and make sure my HCG levels are rising/doubling. I went and let them stick me for blood for what I hoped would be the last time and then went on my way home for more couch laying.

The nurse called me around noon to let me know that my levels had jumped from 19 to 55 in 48 hours! I said "that is good, right?"and she said "Yes, but Dr. Le would like you to come back in for one more blood test on Monday since the number is so low". So my next and hopefully last blood test will be on Monday at 11. I then inquired about being taken off bed rest before I go insane and she asked the Dr and he said it was fine to go back to work and do light activities. YAY! I am spotting on and off over yesterday and today but that does not freak me out as much as the bleeding this past week did. It does annoy me because right when I think I am done spotting, it shows up again. But this looks like old blood (brown) so that isn't necessarily a bad thing.

I have been reading everything I can find on HCG levels and almost everything I have read says that it isn't what the individual numbers are, but that they double that matters. One possible explanation for my number being so low is that the little embryo didn't implant until later than anticipated so my levels are just now starting to get where they should be. Who knows. I could drive myself crazy reading the different scenarios that could play out for us. So my stance on all of this right now is "cautiously optimistic". Please continue prayers/thoughts that my number keeps rising/doubling as it should.

Day 5 of bed rest - CUCKOO CUCKOO!

2009-10-02T15:33:00.005-05:00

I am going crazy y'all! I get up every morning and move to the couch and there I lay until time to go to the bedroom to go to bed. I get up to go potty and literally that is it. My mom has been here taking care of me. I have tried to get up just to do little things like get my own water or feed the cat but then she fusses at me so off I go back to my couch prison. Oh and the best part, on the news they keep saying what a nice day it is and to get out there and enjoy it. Rub it in a little more Finfrock! :)

Well I had my blood test yesterday and the nurse called around 4 to tell me the results came back at a 19.

I then asked "OK so what does that mean?"

She said "Anything over a 5 if positive (my heart started to flutter as I got so excited, but then the floor fell out from under me with her next sentence). But we should expect you to at least be at 100 in this stage so you will have to come back on Saturday for another blood test to see if your HCG levels are doubling like they should be"

IN OTHER WORDS, WE STILL DON'T KNOW ANYTHING DIFFERENT!

I asked her what this could be. She said it could be a chemical pregnancy, it could be I miscarried one, it could be that the embryos didn't implant until later, or some left over HCG in my blood stream from my release shot.....

I have an appointment at 9 tomorrow to get blood drawn and then they tell me we should know for sure tomorrow what is going on. (I hope so!)

The bleeding seems to have stopped and I am now only spotting very little when I go potty. So who knows if that was something weird my body is doing or my period. It didn't really seem like a normal period but I have been all jacked up on hormones for so long, my body probably wouldn't have a normal period.

I have been on fertility forums and websites (what else do I have to do?) and I have read about women who had a very low baseline number but then went on to have normal pregnancies. I have also read about women who bled and thought they got their period but then 9 months later gave birth to a healthy baby. So there is just NO TELLING. All I can do is wait and give it up to God. (Which I should have done a week ago but I have a hard time letting go of things, even when I have no control over them)

Nervous Feeling

2009-10-01T07:54:00.004-05:00

Well, the day is finally here. TEST DAY. I cannot tell you all the feelings and emotions that are going through me right now. I guess the biggest one is fear. Fear of the test being negative and this not working, fear of letting myself down, fear of letting all of you down who have been thinking and praying for us, fear of letting my mom and dad down, but mostly fear of letting Josh down. He keeps telling me everything will be OK either way but the thought of me not being pregnant and seeing his disappointment will kill me. I love him so much and so want to give him a child and I feel like a complete let down if I can't do that.

I know, I know think positive. Everyone I have talked to has told me that and I want you to know how incredibly hard that is. While I want to be positive, I also want to prepare myself for the worst. Also, I don't feel pregnant. I would think if a foreign entity was growing in my body, I would have some idea or feeling. The only feelings I have lately are nervousness, which has caused me to have stomach issues.

I am still bleeding. Sometimes it is lighter than others but for the most part, pretty regular. It hasn't been really heavy since Monday so I am guessing that may be a good thing. I haven't had cramps since Tuesday evening, now I just need to quit bleeding.

Today is a turning point and it will come with just one phone call. That call will either devastate or elate me. I am trying to prepare myself for either outcome but I am really ready for all of this to be over so I can move on with my life either way.

Blogging from Bed

2009-09-28T19:45:00.004-05:00

I wish I could tell you everything is going great, no cramps, no blood, no complaints but that just hasn't been the case. I woke up yesterday morning to some mild bleeding (more like dark brown discharge) and no cramping. Of course, I automatically think the worst and go into hysterics. I couldn't see or breathe, I was so upset and there was no consoling me. So Josh called in the big guns, Mom. She came over, calmed me down in a way only my mom can and took me back to her house for a day of Mommy time. As the day went on, the bleeding didn't get worse so I calmed down and just racked it up to a little implantation bleeding.

This morning, I woke up at 5:40 to go potty and there was definite blood on the toilet paper when I wiped. Hysterics, take two. I pretty much cried all morning then called the Dr at 8 right when they opened and told them what is going on. She didn't sound as horrified or concerned as I would have thought and told me she would ask the Dr. and call me back.

So I went to work and kept my phone by my side the entire day. Even when I left my desk, I had it in my hand, waiting for the call. Eventually they called back and recommended I start taking injections to thicken my uterus and if I would like I could come in and the nurse would show me how to draw the thick medicine into the needle and inject me the first time so we know what we are doing. This medicine has to go into a muscle so the needle is bigger, which makes me extremely nervous. But when the nurse injected me today it didn't hurt. Hopefully when Josh does it tomorrow, it won't hurt either. They also told me I need to be on bed rest until my PG test on Thursday then we will go from there. So yes, I am typing this from hour 4 of bed rest and already I am going a little stir crazy. As today went on, the bleeding and cramps got progressively worse and reminded me of either the period from hell or when I miscarried. I am still trying to hold out hope that at least one of the little embryos is still holding on for his/her life but it is getting harder and harder to remain positive.

At this point, they can't tell me if I am miscarrying one or both the embryos or if this is just some weird funky thing my uterus is doing. The cramping was pretty bad this afternoon but tonight it seems much better and I think that has to be a good sign. So now we wait. I am still scheduled to go back in on Thursday for blood work then we will have a better idea of what is happening now.

I also had to tell my work today, which was a very nerve racking thought. I had not told my boss about any of the fertility treatments so I think she was surprised to hear any of this. It's not like I thought my boss would tell me "No, you have to miscarry at work" but I have already used all my vacation/personal time this year and so not really sure how this is going to work. I know, I know.....and I am trying not to worry about it until after all this is over. We did talk about me getting set up to work from home (and bed) and our new IT guy is supposed to come over tomorrow to set me up on my personal laptop. So hopefully that won't be stressful.

So please keep up thoughts and prayers. We need them now more than ever. I know they say God will only give you as much as you can handle. Well, THIS IS IT. I cannot handle anymore. I need positive things only for a while or I will go crazy. (and I am not just talking stir crazy)

How can two teeny tiny embryos make me go crazy?

2009-09-25T14:00:00.006-05:00

Well I was all positive Polly at first but the wait is killing me and I can slow see my positivity lowering. Do I feel any different? Kinda, but then I think is it all psychosomatic and maybe I am not really as tired as I think I am or my mind is causing me to feel these cramps that I think are implantation cramps. Then I think "No, keep thinking positive." then back to double guessing myself....and then repeat cycle until I think my head is going to explode.

Yes, it is official. Over the last six weeks I have lost my mind and have reached my limit of things I can take. I am sitting here at work today (feeling like I will never completely catch up from being out 2 days this week for the embryo transfer) and our accountant comes up to tell us she is going to be a grandma. OK, I can deal with that (I already knew anyways. At our company, things travel at light speed). Not what I needed to hear.

People have said "oh but you will appreciate it so much more because of everything you have gone through". I can't say I agree with this. I couldn't tell my friends who got easily pregnant that I appreciate what I have or I love my child more just because I went through heartache to get him/her here. It is a nice thought, but just isn't the case.

I know I can't escape people getting pregnant and I know I can't escape my situation either but at this point, I wish I could just push fast forward to get to my happy ending/beginning.

Meet the lucky ones.

2009-09-23T11:51:00.004-05:00

Here is the picture of the two luckiest embryos in the world! (well in Josh's and my world).

The transfer went great and we found out yesterday that we have one extra that froze beautifully. (I have always wanted to try something that freezes beautifully) For those who don't get it, that is a Steel Magnolias quote! :) Two of the little guys quit growing the day before the transfer but one is better than none as a back up! I really don't think we will even need it. But it is good to have a tiny bit of insurance. I am happy to get the three in the end since Dr. Le was concerned about getting one out in the beginning! I tripled his expectations!

The transfer was bizarre and exciting. I went into this small exam room and was told to do the normal (undress from waist down and put sheet over me) Then the embryologist came in and brought us the picture of the little embryos. Then more waiting! Finally Dr. Le came in and performed a quick trial transfer just to be sure he could get past my cervix easily. Then this other door opened and burst of cold air came flooding into the room. And in walks the embryologist with my little embryos in a catheter (almost in slow motion). Behind her I could see all this crazy science stuff. It looked like a bunch of cryogenic freezers for midgets back there since all the little chambers were so short. Then Dr Le put the embryos into my awaiting belly with a catheter and that was it. He said he really thought this would work, shook both mine and Josh's hands and said Good Luck. I had to lay down for 30 minutes so Josh went and got my mom from waiting room and we hung out in the room until the nurse came to get me with a wheelchair and wheeled my out to the car where I climbed in the back and laid down all the way home.

So now we wait. I go in on Oct 1st and then back on the 3rd to find out if I am pregnant. The next week and a half is going to be the longest of my life but I plan on keeping pretty busy at work and on the weekends so hopefully it will fly by.

This is my favorite time of the year with the cooler weather, the fair and haunted houses, so we will have tons of things to do to keep my mind off of the slowly ticking clock. Please keep up the prayers!

Also, if you could please add my friend, Angela's Papaw into your prayer list and positive thoughts, I would really appreciate it. He just found out that he is not eligible for a lung transplant b/c he has a heart condition which requires a stint and they gave him 6 months to live. We all know the power of prayer works for many things and people so please keep him and his family in your thoughts and prayers.

8 is enough

2009-09-17T11:44:00.004-05:00

The retrieval went awesome yesterday. At my last appointment, they were saying we are hoping for maybe 5 eggs. Well lo and behold, they got 8 out of me yesterday! I guess the other three just got excited and decided to catch up to the bigger ones. They all want to be our babies!!! Dr Le was extremely excited that they got 8 out of me. He pretty much said he was amazed and it was a miracle and told us to keep praying b/c it looks like it is working.

The retrieval was really quick and the part I was most scared about was the anesthesia. Which ended up being my favorite part. (After all, I love to sleep). I can't remember what I dreamt about but I do know that when they woke me up, I told them I dreamt about Edward. I am sure the nurse thought "isn't her husband's name Josh?" What I meant was I dreamt about Twilight and I told her that so she didn't think I was dreaming about some other dude. Hehehe

Mom and Josh went with me and Dr. Le told them it is always good luck when they bring the mother and in this case, it definitely was!

I am back at work today and still have a little cramping when I get up or sit down but for the most part, I feel great and am so excited to have the retrieval behind me.

I just received my first update on the lil guys and out of the 8 they took out, 7 were mature enough to fertilize and 5 of them fertilized. They will definitely put them back in on Monday and I will get my next update on Saturday and can't wait!

I also would like to thank EVERYONE for their thoughts and support. I really have the best friends a person could ask for (tear). Your encourgement, strength, and help through this has made me really feel special. And I know you will give our baby(ies) the same type of treatment, if not more.

TMI Blog

2009-09-14T13:49:00.004-05:00

Caution: This blog contains things that may offend or embarrass you if you read. So please do not continue if you don't think you can handle it.

I went into my appointment today with an outline of a speech in my head if the Dr told me we needed to buy more drugs. To summarize, we are out of money. You have sucked me dry of all money and blood for that matter. So what else can we do to continue this process that doesn't concern money?... Luckily, I didn't have to go there with the Dr b/c my retrieval is scheduled for Wednesday at 10 am.

YES! Finally! The Dr said I have 5 follicles that look good. Since there are only 5, they tend to only wait 3 days to put them back in me. So if all goes like planned, they will put the Jrs back in me on Saturday, which will be nice since I have to lay down for the rest of that day and the following day.

During my appointment today, the nurse went over what meds I still need to take. I only have one more injection, which I will take tonight! I am super stoked about that....then I read on the sheet the word "enema". UM EXCUSE ME? Yes, I am to go to the pharmacy and get an At Home Enema kit. I will have to use this kit tomorrow night. DO WHAT?!?! So I am pretty much tripping out about that but one person told me that injecting meds into my stomach is worse than this little enema. Let's hope they are right! Another person said it actually felt nice and you felt all cleaned out after. Well it isnt' after I am concerned about! It is before and during!

So this is it. My next blog will be after the retrieval. So wish me luck and please continue to send positive thoughts our way as well as prayer. I thought I would be scared at this point but I am more scared of the enema and excited about retrieval and honestly just ready to get the show on the road!

It has been confirmed. Josh is awesome.

2009-09-12T14:58:00.008-05:00

It seems like every appointment, our retrieval date is pushed back and today was no exception to that trend.

After getting blood draws, the Dr looked at my follicles and of course the little buggers just aren't where he would like them to be for the retrieval on Tuesday, so now he is saying now that Wednesday morning is the big day. I have 5 follicles that are good (and a few others that just aren't up to par at the moment but hopefully will play catch up over the next few days). After the sono, I got dressed and Josh could tell I had shut down. When the Dr came back with as many samples as he could find for us, Josh asked him what exactly we are looking at. Dr. Le said that basically I have the ovaries of a 40 year old woman and there isn't anything I did or didn't do in my lifetime to cause this. It is genetically pre-determined. But he is definitely still optimistic because I am still young and he did get 5 follicles out of me. Five is better than zero....

He then told us a story about a 23 year old woman who came in and wanted to try IVF. When he did the baseline sono, she only had one follicle. He tried to talk her out of it because IVF is very expensive and that isn't a lot of bang for your buck. The Dr and the 23 year old then made a deal. If she could produce 3 follicles, he would attempt IVF with her. So month after month, she would come in for her baseline sonogram when she started her period and sometimes she would have 1 follicle and other times 2. After a few months, she finally had three follicles and they attempted IVF. She gave birth to her baby last month.

When he said this, the tears just started streaming out of my eyes and there was no stopping them. Dr Le was very sweet and gave me a tissue and said kept giving me positive reinforcement, which I am very grateful for. After the exam, we were in the room for more than 20 minutes talking and he didn't leave until I had pulled myself together and felt better. This speaks volumes to Josh and I.

In that discussion, Dr Le looked at us and told me "You have a very good man here." I smiled at Josh and said "I know. My mom thinks so too." And I do know how great he is but I could see Josh's head swelling from the compliment. When we left, Josh said "Well, it's official. I have a confirmed professional medical opinion that I am awesome" Hahaha Doesn't that sound like something Barney Stinson would say? (If you don't know who Barney Stinson is.....SHAME ON YOU!)

This appointment was the most frustrating and nerve racking yet but I am very happy to say that everything is still on track. These follicles are on their own time line. (I hope this isn't a glance into the future for what our kids will be like. Josh and I are always in a hurry and like to be punctual)

I feel like I am being drained by a Vampire (and not in the sexy True Blood way)

2009-09-10T12:23:00.005-05:00

I had to get more blood drawn today and another sonogram. My right arm is all different colors from the needles! Not to mention the bruises I have on my tummy from the three injections a day I have been getting. I look like Eric Northman had a go at me. (Shout out to all the True Blood Fans!)

But back to my appointment, the Dr came in and looked at my follicles and they are maturing but not that the rate he would like for me to have the retrieval on Saturday. So, he ordered me to get more meds (which in turn means, more $$) and then my retrieval now is tentatively scheduled for Monday or Tuesday but more than likely Tuesday. This isn't necessarily bad news but it really hit me the wrong way once I got out of the office. It makes me feel like even on meds my body isn't working properly. My eggs should be matured and ready to go by now and since they are a little behind, it makes me feel bad or like I need to do more to get them to grow, which I know I can't. I just feel helpless.

But enough pity party for me today. I am not a very patient person. (I am sure some of you are thinking "the hell you say...") but yes, it is true, patience is a virtue I have lacked most of my life. I have to think this is God's way of teaching me patience and strength.

I have another appointment on Saturday to check my follicles and I am sure, more blood drawn. I will update you as soon as we find out when the retrieval will be.

I Love Saturday! (remember that Erasure song?)

2009-09-08T12:34:00.003-05:00

Just got back to work from my appointment and they took my blood again and did another sonogram. All of my little baby follicles are growing so well and right on track. I am to continue taking the injections and I go back on Thursday for more blood work and another sonogram, then it looks like Saturday is the retrieval day. I am super stoked about this since I won't have to take that day off work. Dr. Le said I will do in very early (around 7 or 7:30) and the procedure only takes about 20 minutes. I will be under anesthesia but after I come out, I will be able to walk out of the office. Not even a wheelchair.

Four things I would like to tell you:

1. I have not been a bitch on the meds. (at least I do not think I have, you may need to ask Josh) I am completely surprised by this. There have been a few instances when I have gotten aggravated but when that has happened I get my book, go in the bedroom and read until it passes. Or there was one issue with water pressure but it passed relatively quickly. This is not near as bad as Clomid which made me yell at my husband for bringing the wrong soda home.

2. I am utterly sick of needles and injections. I have been getting injections in my belly from Nurse Laura and Dr. Josh for a while now but it does not make it any easier. Every time they are about to inject me, I start to breathe like I would imagine I would in Lamaze class and close my eyes tight.

3. I am very grateful to have Josh and Laura to give me the injections. They are both doing a GREAT job though and I can't thank them enough because God knows, I would not be able to do it on my own.

4. I am really excited and happy about how everything is going. I am not a nervous wreck like I was with IUI and when we first started IVF. I can't foresee the future, I can't tell you I will have a baby this time next year. But I can tell you that I have a really good feeling about this, that I am happy to have Josh by my side, I am happy to have my friends and family, and I am happy to be me and know that I am doing all I can in my power to make this happen.

This is not just a blind date

2009-09-07T09:24:00.003-05:00

Things are progressing right along. We went in for a check-up on Saturday and they took my blood and did a sonogram to check on our little follicles. Everything is progressing nicely and he said that as long as they can get the follicle out of me, I should be pregnant! Yay! He told me to continue with the injections twice a day and starting Monday night, I need to take a second injection, Ganirilex, at night to keep me from ovulating early. After we were done, we went into the Patient Education room to sign all the release forms. We are doing a process called ICSI and while talking to the nurse she explained it in a pretty funny and relatable way. She said "we aren't just sending them out on a blind date. We are gonna make sure they meet and like each other beforehand."

My next appointment is Tuesday and then for sure I will know when my retrieval will be. It is looking like it will be this Friday or maybe even Saturday. Of course I am hoping for Saturday that way I don't have to miss work.

Allow me to introduce you to ALL the meds

2009-09-01T17:12:00.004-05:00

And this is not even all of them. I have seven more injections in my fridge. It may not look like much in this picture but in person, there are a LOT of them! I have made little injection bags with everything I will need to mix and inject twice a day through Saturday. I figured it was best to be organized so I don't get confused and inject myself with so much meds at once, my ovaries burst. Or maybe Josh is wearing off on me with OCD......

I shot myself in the belly!!! All by myself....where's my lolly?

2009-09-01T13:49:00.006-05:00

Today was my baseline sonogram. (this is just to make sure I don't have any cysts on my ovaries and nope, there were none to report) The doctor did say that my left ovary is the one that is sad and tired. So come on righty!!! Mama needs a baby!! The doctor was very optimistic that as long as we can get the embryo out of me I will be pregnant! SO yay!!

I have an appointment on Saturday morning for another sono to check my ovaries then my egg retrieval should be either next Thursday or Friday. I will find out for sure on Saturday so will post because we will be needing extra positive thoughts and prayers that day.

On a side note, while at the office, they told me that they wanted me to take my first injection in the next few hours (good thing we live close!), then take the second one this evening. Right when he said this, my head starting spinning...injections...now? I don't have anyone to give it to me. I will have to buck it up and give it to myself. I automatically got a pen and paper out of my purse and asked the nurse to show me how to mix the meds again. I explained my husband and my roommate have been giving my shots and this will be the first time I mix and give to myself. So she went over mixing again and I vigorously took down notes. I felt pretty good about it when I left but as I was driving home, my anxiety went through the roof. I called my neighbor whose husband is a nurse both on their home phone and her cell phone (TWICE!). No answer. I then called a co-worker who knows what is going on and this is how that converation went:

Co-worker: Hello?
Me: Hey, it's Kelley. I have a huge favor to ask and you can tell me no if you are not comfortable, but I need you to shoot me in the belly.
Co-worker: (silence, then laughter)
Me: Please, I just can't shoot myself. I have been trying to psych myself up to do it but I just don't think I can.
Co-worker: Sure, bring it up here and i will do it.....

So I get home and mix the meds together in the syringe and think I am doing pretty well. Just call me Nurse Kelley!! Then I threw away the lid to the syringe.... Now it was either drive to work holding an open needle in my hand or suck it up and shoot myself. I laid down on the couch and tried. No luck. So then I paced around my house for about 10 minutes. Laid on my bed, couldn't do it. Paced around the house a little more, screamed a little then went and looked in the mirror in our bedroom and just did it. No, it didn't hurt and I knew it wouldn't hurt before but it is just the thought of me shooting myself in the belly that gives me the heebie geebies. But I got over that and now I am sitting pretty proud.

Angry Blog

2009-08-25T14:57:00.006-05:00

Josh and I went in yesterday for what the doctor and his staff refer to as "Patient Education". The nurse went over meds and then showed us how to mix the meds and shoot me. (OUCH) This was all very overwhelming and I was in tears at one point. The nurse asked if we already had certain meds to start the next day. No one had told us anything about meds except to come in for this patient education. Then she asked us if we had filled out forms. Um no, we haven't been given any forms. I was glad Josh was with me because he took the bull by the horns and asked to talk to the Doctor. I was just sitting there, big old tears starting to form from my frustration.

The Doctor comes in and was a little brusque with us, which upset me even more. When we started asking questions, he said "we went over all of this in the consultation". If I wasn't so upset, I would have said something along the lines of "you never told me to order this first round of meds in the consultaion. You never told us about these release forms and the IVF folder we should have received but you sure took the check last week from us" But I didn't say anything. I just sat there fighting back tears. Josh told me later, "we are spending a lot of money for this, so anytime I have a questions, I expect it to be answered". Honestly, I am completely turned off by this particular Doctor and now prefer this partner perform the procedure. This guy did inform me (with his excellent bedside manner) that this is a very aggressive protocol and in his own words "this is it". Really? THANKS ASSHOLE.

So the Doctor leaves to go wipe his butt with our money no doubt and the nurse continues the training and she sends off the order form for all the meds. This all could have done when I was there last Monday for my trial transfer and then we could have ordered meds then and I would already have them to start today (yes I take my first injection tonight when I get home). But since they waited until the last minute, I had to drive all the way to Euless last night to get medication from the only pharmacy around that carries it. OH! It gets better. I paid $50 more for each injection than I would if I could have ordered them a week ago. And I had to get 4 injections so they made us spend $200 more than we needed to because they dont' have all their ducks in a row.

I may come across as angry and I don't mean to but I am not at all happy with my experience with these people so far. I am spending a LOT of money with them and I do not feel like I am getting quality service from the physicians at all. They act like we should know what to do. HOW WOULD WE? We have never done this before. I have no problems at all with the office staff. They have been extremely nice and helpful. But I have an issue with a physician who acts like I am annoying him when I ask a question.

And the worst part is that because of this stress, Josh and I had a fight. I don't want this to cause problems between us but it has and it probably will again before it is all said and done. We are both BEYOND frustrated with this whole stinkin' process. We just need to stick together, which we will but I swear IVF is the most frustrating and horrible process I have ever gone through....and I haven't even taken the first shot yet. God Help Us All.

Timeline we received from Dr in consultation

2009-08-20T11:42:00.001-05:00

I am sorry it has taken me so long to get the timelines with drawings posted. But here they are for your viewing and informational pleasure. (if you click on timelines, you can see bigger version)

Timeline #1 process from beginning to end:

Drawing #2 Actual IVF procedure (with drawings):

Beware: Exam Room 16

2009-08-18T11:17:00.001-05:00

Yesterday was my trial transfer. Originally I had this appointment set up as a lunch appointment at the Arlington office but after talking with a friend who has gone through IVF about her trial transfer experience, I freaked out and changed it to a late afternoon appointment at the Irving office. I even asked a friend to come with me in case I couldn't drive home, which was not neccesary at all but better to be prepared for anything just in case!

I arrived at the office about ten mintutes early and went back to exam room 16. Note to self: if they ever try to put me in that room again, demand a different one! I was already hot and had the red splotches on my chest because I was nervous but the minute I walked into this room I thought I was going to die! It was so hot! I looked at the nurse and she seemed to be ok so I thought maybe I was just hot because I was so nervous. Once she left, I stripped my bottoms off like I was in a race and first prize was an easy pregnancy and healthy baby. I have never been so happy to get undressed at a Doctor's office in my life. I even thought to myself "I am so hot, I wish I could take off my shirt too" hahahaha. (I left the shirt on, didn't want to make it awkward for the Doctor)

The walls in the office are very thin I gather because I could hear the Doctor in the room next to me. (see previous blog about my obsession to listen to everything outside my exam room) This time I could hear a lot more and the couple in the room next to me is having twins and on their first IVF attempt! So that made me feel good. At this point, I am sweating and looking around for an air vent to stand under. No such luck. So I wait, bottomless with a paper sheet over me, sweating, sticking to the paper under me and about to be examined. GREAT.

Finally the Doctor comes in and the minute he steps in the room he states "It's a lil warm in here huh?" I responded "Oh, I thought it was just me" Why did I say this? I don't know. I knew dang well that the room was steaming hot but I had to play it cool. He then states "Oh this is the hottest room in the clinic" My automatic response was "Can we change rooms?" I was THAT hot. I would rather get dressed again, go into another room to get undressed to be examined than be torturedin this hot room one more minute. But he said it would be really quick and it was. (I think he was hot too)

The trial transfer is just to make sure he can get past my cervix without any problems and is very similiar to a sonogram and the IUI I had combined. Even when he said "you may cramp a little", I didn't feel anything. He put a drop of water in my uterus then did a sonogram to make sure he could see the water and then he checked out my ovaries. Done and Done. I was very happy I didn't have to have my uterus filled up with water since I had recently had the dye test. The whole way to the appointment I just kept wondering "how will the water get out? Will I need a pad or a diaper" but I never got the chance to ask, which I am definitely not complaining about.

I go back next Monday, the 24th at noon to go over meds. This time I am going to the Arlington office and I will request the chilliest room they have. I am not shy. Mama likes it cold!

Trial Transfer

2009-08-10T15:21:00.001-05:00

The 17th is not just a egg check appointment like I originally thought. This will be the trial transfer. I have to be at the Irving office at 3:00 for the quick little prodecure. Just wanted to let you all know. I will let you know how that appointment goes! :)

Aunt Flow has arrived. (and right on time)

2009-08-03T14:29:00.001-05:00

We have been hoping and praying that Aunt Flow wouldn't show up this month and that I would have the pleasure of calling the fertility Doctor and tell him "thanks but no thanks. Infertile are we no more!" But Aunt Flow tends to be a pretty punctual visitor and like many months before, she showed up on time.

Thus begins our "IVF adventure". I had my first real appointment with Dr. Le today. One thing I do not like about going to this Doctor is stripping down and sitting in that chair contraption for what seems like an infinite amount of time waiting for the doctor. I am so paranoid that I can't help but listen to what is being said outside and if I can't hear, I tend to make up my own conversations.

Here is an example of the ridiculous things I think up while waiting for the doctor:

Dr Le looking at my chart: "Man, this ones never going to conceive. Good luck with those sad looking eggs. She may as well give it up and get a dog or adopt" Then he and the nurse laugh at my sad pathetic chart and he knocks on the door to come meet me with an ear to ear grin.

Yeah, I know. Ludicrous thoughts run through my head. I am a complete spaz and am trying to either fix that or embrace it and laugh at it.

After I got over the anxiety, it was pretty simple. I went in and they did a sonogram and I only have 6 eggs this month. :( A woman my age typically has between 15 and 20 so I am low low low low low low low. So since I don't release that many eggs, I will not be taking birth control like other IVF'ers do.

Dr. Le said he has read some studies that show that the monthly selection of the eggs could come even earlier than the first day of your cycle. (even a week before) Since the body then naturally trims down the selection to just one egg at the end of your cycle (the healthiest and best egg ever!), he thinks maybe my selection is happening earlier so I may have had 12 eggs but they have already been trimmed down to 6 eggs by the time of my first sonogram. He is going to give me medicine to suppress the hormone that will make the selection early so that next cycle (the IVF cycle) there will be more eggs to choose from.

I go back on the 17th of August for another sonogram to see how many of my sad, lonely 6 eggs are still there and healthy. Then, we start talking injections! OUCH! Dr. Le is betting on my age, the fact I have gotten pregnant before (even though I miscarried) and that even though I don't have a lot of eggs, the quality should still be good.

I bet people have told you this before. It is "QUALITY" not "QUANTITY" that matters and that is SO true for us right now! :)

We truly appreciate all the thoughts and prayers you guys have been sending our way. Please keep them coming. (thanks Baleigh!)

Let's Get Ready to RUMBLE!!

2009-07-17T22:10:00.001-05:00

Ladies & Gentlemen, in this corner, we have Kelley "Grandma Eggs" Franklin and in the far Corner we have I.....V....FFFFFFF.......Let's get it on!!!!!

So we had our first IVF appointment today with Dr. Haas in Arlington and I would say it went well to pretty well. I can't tell you how awkward it is when your doctor draws what he is explaining to you. During our consultation, he drew a cup (when he was talking about Josh's "specimen"), he drew sperm and then he drew my eggs. Yes, we did keep his artwork because he gave it to us b/c it actually does list the stages we will go through over 6 weeks. But more than anything it is just funny to look at.

Yes you read that right, this process takes 6 weeks!!!! I had no idea it would take that long when we started looking into all this. I thought I would go in, pay him my gajillion dollars and then everything would take place within a week! Not so much.....

On my first day of menses (you like these technical terms I have learned?), I will start a month of blood work and sonograms. He said it is very similar to when I went through IUI. I have the hcg shot to release my eggs, trial transfer, yadda yadda yadda.

Then comes the day Josh is dreading more than anything else on the earth, I start injections on the next cycle. He did say we will be starting out with a pretty aggressive treatment to stimulate my follicles and I will more than likely experience the mood swings I had with Clomid. So please pray for us (especially Josh). If I snap at you, please remember, it isn't really me, it is the hormones. And more often than not, when I am on the hormones and I snap, I will feel bad after and automatically start crying.

Oh and it gets better, not just a few injections, not just one a day, I will have to give myself injections in my tummy TWICE a DAY!!!! AAHHH!! But I will go to a class with a nurse that tells me how to do it. I am not sure what he means by class. Probably just I go in and the nurse is like "here's how you do it". I am thinking about breaking down and having Josh give me the shots because I don't think I can shoot myself in the tummy even once, let alone twice a day for 2 weeks!! So during these two weeks, you will probably want to avoid me like the plague. If these meds are anything like Clomid, I will be a raging "B" by day 3. Then they will go in and put me under and get all my lovely eggs that the horrible mean medicine will help my body make. Come on big number!!!! They will then take Josh's lil duders and actually insert them into the eggs (this is called ICSI, which is more extensive than just IVF) Hopefully at least 2 of my eggs will mature and his duders will do their thing and grow big and strong so they can put them back in my belly. (I keep picturing Fat Bastard saying "Get in my belly!!" when I think about this part, hehehehehe) and then we wait 12 days and go back for blood work. If the blood work comes back pregnant, then I will go back in at least once more for a sonogram to ensure there is a heartbeat. Then if everything works out, they will release me to go to my OBGYN.

Whew, that was a lot. I am sure I am leaving tons out. I wish I had his drawings with me to spark my memory...but this is pretty much what is going to happen.....Maybe I will scan his time table and drawings in on Monday so you guys can see it too.

Step 1 - admitting you have a problem.

2009-07-10T12:04:00.001-05:00

Well I broke down and created this blog as an outlet for me to share my experiences with friends and family in one place but I also created this blog, so I would have somewhere to vent...not neccesarily to anyone but just to get things out.

A little background: Josh and I started trying to conceive in the Fall of 2007. In March of 2008, we got a positive pregnancy test and we were ecstatic that is happened for us relatively quickly. I went in for my first appointment when I was 8 weeks along and there was no heart beat. Over that next week, I had to get blood taken to test my levels and then return for another sonogram. We went in a week later and still no heartbeat. My doctor told me that I will eventually miscarry and I did so in May. After a few months, we began trying again and have had no luck in the past year and a half.

A few months ago, I went to see a fertility specialist and they did the first IUI in May, which did not work. We tried a second time in June but because of unforseen circumstances, we were unable to go through with the IUI in June.

The doctor feels in our cisrcumstance, IVF is going to have the best odds so we have our consultation on Friday July 17th to work out a game plan and get started with the process around the first of August.

I have so many emotions running through me it is overwhelming. I am more than anything scared but I also feel nervous, excited, happy, I could go on and on. I will update this as often as possible with where we are in the process. Let's hope and pray that in about a year, I will have a post that says "He or She is here!" and this journey will be one I can look back on with joy.