Pathways

Josh and I attended a two day class at Gladney's campus in Fort Worth a few weeks ago called, Pathways. First, let me say the place is beautiful. Walking into the building we found the only adoption museum in the country. We took times during breaks to check it out and it is pretty neat.

The class was well....Interesting. The people who taught it were amazing and made it as enjoyable as possible and we were fed very well! (SCORE!) They were VERY honest with us about issues that some older children (2 and over) experience after being in the foster system or an orphanage and some things were very rough to hear. I won't bore you with details but when we left the first day I felt very overwhelmed and was doubting myself. But after talking about the class with Josh and a good night's sleep, I was ready for day 2.

The second day was less scary and overwhelming. It was more about learning how to deal with a child who may have attachment, sensory, or other issues they have seen with children. I was very glad we attended this class because let's face it, we are going into this completely blind and I tend not to do well in those situations. So any help or advice from professionals is welcome in the Franklin house. Here is a pic of all the families adopting from China that were at Pathways with us:

Next step: we scheduled our home study for July 10th and we actually met our case worker at Pathways so it is nice to have already met her before she comes into the house. In the meantime we were fingerprinted and have even more paperwork to fill out! YAY!

Please continue to keep us and our daughter in your prayers. I have a very strong feeling she has been born and is waiting for us so we pray God watch over her and keep her safe until we can get to her and bring her home.

First Major Hurdle Down!

Happy Thursday All!

I just got back from sending our initial paperwork via FedEx to our caseworker in New York. Over the last two days I have gone over every paper twice to make sure we didn't miss anything. So fingers crossed that envelope makes its way to the big apple on Monday and I haven't missed anything. I spoke with our caseworker this morning and looks like I may have been an eager beaver on the dossier paperwork. (I requested a few things I know we will need last week, marriage license, birth certificates) But for now I think we just wait while they go over all the paperwork I just sent in. After that, we should be hearing from the person who will be doing our home study to get that all scheduled and going.

AAAHHHHHHH!!!! It's all so exciting and scary at the same time.

I'm not sure if I have any other would be mothers who read this. In my head, I'm pretty sure it is just my mom and a few friends that check this blog out. But if I do have any one who is struggling to become a parent, I wanted to share a text I got from my SIL on Mother's Day. The sentiment applies to you even if you are still trying to conceive, doing fertility treatments or going through the adoption process. We all do things for our children before they are even conceived, born or with us. THAT is what TRUE LOVE is.

It really touched my heart in a way I don't think a single text ever has on a day I have loathed for years. Our daughter may be lucky to have me but she is also lucky that she will have the sweetest, most caring, selfless Aunt who thinks of other people on her own mother's day.

Put a fork in me, I'm done!

This morning, I woke up and went to the park between the Ballpark (I refuse to call it Globe Life Park) and Jerry World (I don't refuse to call it AT&T Stadium, but I think Jerry World sounds way better) and I walked my 3 miles to train for the Susan G Komen 3 Day in November. I walked around the park and all around the stadiums and even at 9 AM this morning, I saw TONS of Florida & Wisconsin fans. I can't imagine what it is like right now. INSANE! Here are some pics I snapped. The one in the lower right hand corner is a bus being escorted into stadium by police. There was another bus behind it, so I can only assume it was one of the teams. I thought it was kinda cool.

After my walk, I came home, ate lunch (so I didn't get HANGRY when working on paperwork) and we started. We literally read EVERY. PIECE. OF. PAPER. This is a huge commitment, no way was I going to sign anything blindly. I had notes on top of notes on these papers. My beautiful binder was torn to shreds as I had papers all around me, reading, signing, organizing, and writing. I'm just going to say it: It wasn't THAT bad. We have a few more things to get done but nothing too big. I got my physical last week so that is all done EXCEPT my TB test. I went in on a Thursday and since you have to get it read 2 days later, I wasn't able to get it. But no worries, my Dr. said to come in next week and she would do it real quick. So, I will be going back up there on Tuesday. Josh still needs to get his and he will in the next two weeks.

Good News: My binder is back to it's beautiful organized self complete with sections and sticky notes sticking out for the pages we still need to finish. As long as I keep this organized, I think we will be good. Josh is very impressed with my organizational skills. I realized I never really use them to their full potential unless I am at work.

Doing this makes me want to organize our entire house and I am thinking I better do it now. I have a feeling in about two years I may not have as much spare time on my hands :)

Small Update - I'm a paperwork wiz

Josh and I have both been under the weather the last few weeks so we haven't tackled the adoption paperwork like we had hoped to by this point. But fear not my dozen or so followers, we are both feeling better and I am really really good at organizing. I don't think you understand, paperwork is my thing. Not to toot my own horn, but I am like a beautiful mind when it comes to paperwork! (wow, can I sound any dorkier?)

AND it just so happens that one of my best friends is a notary. So in a way, I guess you could say I have my own personal notary. Yeah, I'm kinda a big deal... So we are going to knock this out faster than a jack rabbit on a date.

Today I took the initiative and organized all the paperwork into three sections that Gladney recommended so that it isn't just one big pile of overwhelming messy paperwork that would make me sob like a baby. Instead, it is now a thing of beauty, if I do say so myself. And is sitting pretty on my desk waiting for Josh and I to get after it on Saturday afternoon.

BEHOLD THE FRANKLIN BOOK OF ADOPTION:

aka "the playbook III"

Conference Call with Judy @ Gladney 3/11/2014

G'day Mates!

Yesterday we had our orientation conference call with our girl, Judy at Gladney. It was pretty much all information on the process and fees and after the call I was VERY overwhelmed. She went over each stage of the adoption process but I have decided to take the same advice Bob took in the great piece of cinema brilliance, "What about Bob?" and take baby steps. "Baby steps to the elevator...."

1st Step: Formally request Application and pay application fee, which we will be doing this weekend. Once they receive the request and payment (which we will be making on our Advantage card, we are going to need a LOT of points to get to China! If you have any miles just laying around collecting dust, feel free to donate them to us!) they will send us the official application and reference questionnaire. Get ready, we will be contacting 5 people to write letters and fill out questionnaires on our behalf in the next few weeks. One professional, one from our community, the person who would be the legal guardian of our child if something were to happen to us, one family member (which we think would be the same as legal guardian) and the rest personal references. 

To end, I wanted to let you know that I have been praying for our child every night and sometimes randomly during the day. Chances are she is either about to be born or is already out there waiting for us so please if you can remember her in your prayers or in your positive thoughts, or whatever it is you do, that would mean a lot to us and will be very special to tell her later in life that she was loved by so many before they even had the chance to meet her.

CHINA OR BUST!

Let's play catch-up!

Well, I'm  back and I am happy to say that I am in a way better place than I have been in regards to starting a family. For those of you who aren't aware of what goes on in my day to day life, here are some highlights and low lights since my last post:

• February 2013: After a long battle, I lost my Aunt (dad's younger sister) to lung cancer. This was the first kick to our family and I don't care how much you prepare yourself for it, it still hurts like hell. But at the same time, my cousin and her husband adopted their daughter from China brought her home during all this and it makes me happy to know that LJ got to see her before she passed on. It was such a whirlwind of emotion, there is really no way to describe it. 
• June 2013: I am not sure if I ever blogged about this in the past (and I am way too lazy to look it up - or maybe I just don't want to see what I wrote about it back then) but my dad was diagnosed with throat cancer and what we were told should  have been an "easy thing for him to beat" and it eventually took his life in June. Pretty much it is all a blur to me but my husband and I were there when he passed away peacefully and even though I miss him more than words could ever express, I am so glad he is not in pain anymore. 
• Summer 2013: Two new sweet babies have blessed my family and friends. My sister in law (SIL) and one of my best friends, M*, both had sweet little baby girls this past summer and I am happy that I am finally out of the "why not me" place and can just be a good "KK" to them both and spoil them along with their big brothers! I also found out one of my other best friends, S* is expecting her first baby! She is due in May and I am over the moon excited for her. More on that down the page though....
• November 2013: Another of of my best friends, L*, and I took part in the SUSAN G KOMEN 3 Day. This has always been on my bucket list and I am one very proud walker! It was seriously one of the best weekends of my life and we have vowed to walk it or crew it every year. We have already signed up for this November. I don't want to sound like one of those people who "drank the kool-aid" but it was one of the best, most inspiring weekends of my life! If you have ever wanted to do it, sign up! I am telling you, you will not regret it. Do what I did and go to a "Getting Started Meeting" and you will be all pumped to sign up. But just know that is nothing compared to the way you feel when you get to opening ceremonies, walk all that way, meet women who are survivors or walking in remembrance of a loved one and when you cross that finish line. I cannot tell you how many times we cried that weekend but we laughed and got horrible blisters and it was all worth it. The website is: Susan G. Komen 3 Day (note: Susan G Komen is not paying me to say this stuff, but maybe they should! - hahaha)

When S* told me she was pregnant it really lit a fire under my butt to get this adoption thing going. I have been in "mourning" over not getting pregnant on our own long enough. S* and I have been life long friends LITERALLY. Our dads lived down the street from each other when they married our moms. I am 6 months older than she is and her mom used to come to our house down the street to practice feeding me when she was pregnant with S*. This isn't "we met in 1st grade" type story. This is the REAL DEAL. She is not like a sister, she IS my sister. All I kept thinking after she told me this was "I want her kid to be best friends with my kid" I know it may sound incredibly lame to some people but its the truth. Is it the only reason I want a child? Of course not! I wanted a kid long before but this was the catalyst to get me back in the game. Also, I am pretty stubborn and determined and knew one day we would have a child. Looking back, going through everything and it not working out, really has me to believe this was always in God's plan for us it just took a lot of time for me to realize it.

In case you were wondering why we are going the international route, we want a closed adoption. After everything we have been through, this gives us the most peace of mind. It's a personal decision and I hope everyone can respect that and understand. If not, ask us! We are more than happy to give you more insight into how we came to this decision.

We originally selected China or Bulgaria when we sent in our information. Last week I had a conference call with the reps from China and Taiwan (they offered so why not!?) and they gave me information on the types of children to come out of China and Taiwan. Brief explanation: Taiwan has children who have been abused or neglected; the children from China have more physical issues (heart murmur, cleft lip and pallet). We said we would go up to a three year old but from everything I read the youngest we could get would be 18 months) I never heard back from the rep from Bulgaria and after talking it over with Josh we are so excited to have selected China. We already know a few people who have adopted from there and we feel the most comfortable with dealing with Gladney here in the US. With Taiwan, we would deal with an agency over there and we aren't 100% comfortable with that. We originally had said either on the sex but when I let the Gladney rep know we chose China, we changed it to a little girl.

Our next step: we have another conference call with Gladney on Tuesday to give us more details of what to expect and to set up an orientation. Josh and I are both so excited to get the ball going. The estimated time should be 18 months if we don't hit any hiccups (fingers crossed) China or BUST!

It's been quite a while

Good Morning! I cannot believe how long it has been since I have written. To my half a dozen or so followers, I apologize. It's just the lame fact that NOTHING has been going on fertility wise. Aunt Flow still makes her appearance every month right on time. People have gotten pregnant and had babies and I don't cry like I used to. Do I get weird and sad when I am told someone is pregnant, you bet your ass I do. But I no longer go home and fling myself on my bed and sob uncontrollably. So that's a positive. With the help of time and some medication I have come to realize, I cannot control everything and what will be, will be. Do I wish things were different? Sure. But does it take over my life and mind every day? Nope. I just take one day at a time because honestly what else can I do?

Mother's Day Spiral

I hate Mother's Day. I have for the last few years. I don't hate the idea of it, actually it is pretty nice and I agree A LOT of mothers don't get the recognition they deserve from their children. But I hate all the mother's who choose to tell each other how amazing they are and what great mothers they are and send the cheesy texts or posts on facebook. (especially when a few are complete shit moms who just managed to get pregnant and squeeze out a kid, which in my mind does NOT make you a good mother) The only person I choose to say Happy Mother's Day to is MY MOTHER. Not the one million other mothers on the planet. Does this make me sound mean and bitter? Probably to most. Did I cry yesterday, you bet your ass I did. Did it piss me off to sit there and everyone tell someone happy mother's day and then skip over me. Yep. Did it upset me when I got an awkward text from someone just trying to make me feel better. Sure did. Is there any way to please me in this situation? I am beginning to think not.

To MOST of the moms I know, you are great moms but please when you decide to delve into your "mom club" where you send out mass texts to all your other mom friends or posts on Facebook walls, please remember women like me who want to be a mom more than anything in the world and struggle. While it is a great day for moms, it is an extremely hard day for women who want to be mom's and can't.

50 Shades of what?!??!?!

So, I don't get what all the fuss was about 50 Shades. I liked it ok but didn't love it. The whole time I was reading it I was just waiting for something really big to happen or be revealed or for them to go back in the Red Room of Pain. And when they finally did, she cried, which was a let down for me. I thought should at least give this thing a spin a few times before having a complete meltdown. I guess after all the hype, I expected more. Hopefully it is all ahead of me though. I have only finished the first book and plan on knocking the other two out in the next few weeks. Have any of you read it? What did you think?

50 Shades of Grey

I have started reading 50 Shades of Grey because every other woman is and I like to just go with the herd sometimes. So far, the writing is horrible but I cannot quit reading! Is this what those romance novels are like? Because if so I have a new genre I need to explore!

So since I am reading this book and my blog is kinda sorta about sex, (How do you think babies get here, mom?) I have decided to share my opinion of 50 Shades here. Stay Tuned!

Note: I have no idea if my mom even reads my blog.

Keeping up with my uterus

I have decided to take up blogging again. I have at least a dozen followers (yeah, I am big time) that need to know what is or isn't going on with my uterus. Plus, I like trying to convey my feelings to complete strangers in (what I think is) a humorous way. So, I am back ladies and gentlemen and in a big way. I plan on being completely and brutally honest about myself and my infertility. In so many posts I censor what I have to say because I do not want to hurt any one's feelings or for people to take things the wrong way. No More I Say! I will attempt to never be rude or mean. But I will be honest. If I think it, I am typing it.

THINGS JUST GOT INTERESTING......

So I am a complete Facebook stalker. If I have ever known someone and can remember their last name, I have searched for them on Facebook. In most cases, I do not friend request because more than likely there is a reason I don't talk to that person anymore. So I search, find and gather intel until my curiosity has been satisfied or I hit a wall. I hate that Facebook let's people make their profiles private - even though mine is totally private.

But my other favorite is going through my friend's friends list. (See, I need a kid so I can have a life and not have to resort to this kind of stuff) I cannot tell you the thrill I get when I find someone knows someone I also know but we didn't know we knew the same person.

All this Facebooking opens me up to a whole new world of the dreaded, pregnancy announcements. But people I have officially reached a new low. I am now Facebook stalking pregnant people I do not know. Sad, huh? Like I don't have enough in my life, I now search out pregnancy announcements. I am a sick sick infertile.

Side note: I also decided to torture myself a little more and I recorded the Guiliana and Bill season premiere and special on surrogacy. I finally watched it last night when my husband was out. Things like that are best watched in a dark room in my jammies shoving spoonfuls of ice cream into my mouth. It was sobfest 2012 for this girl. I feel horrible about my Rancic post now because these people seem so awesome and so positive and I am not sure I could carry myself like that after everything she has been through. Also, where can I nominate Bill Rancic for husband of the year? Seriously, dude has some husband-ing SKILLS!!!!

The Rancics

So it has been a while since I posted but really nothing has been going on infertile wise. We are still "talking" or really "not talking but thinking" about adoption. And since there has been no actions taken, I really didn't want to bore you with how baby shower invites still upset me and other petty stuff.

However, that all changed today when I read that Giuliana and Bill Rancic are having a baby through a surrogate. I don't watch their show because honestly the infertility thing just hits a little too close to home. However, I knew a little about them through the celebrity gossip sites I visit (Don't judge!)

And here's my take. They are rich and famous. Of course she is getting her happy ending. (or beginning). What about the women out there like me who don't have the financial means to do more than one round of IVF (or even attempt IVF at all)?

I am honestly surprised by my own reaction. I always thought that when she got pregnant (or in this case had a surrogate) it would make me happy. But it doesn't at all. It pisses me off. I am completely jealous that it is happening for her and other women while I just stand on the sidelines.

Now the logical solutions, "do another round of IVF" or "start the adoption process" would be easy to do if money, my sanity and my marriage weren't at stake.

I am scared. We are scared. I am not going to lie. I am scared that we will go through it again and then my marriage will fall apart. Or I am scared I will start the adoption process and they will tell us we aren't fit to be parents. I imagine them telling me this in slow motion then stamping my file with "DENIED" in big red stamp letters.

So in pure Kelley fashion, I will just ignore the issue for now and keep on living my day to day life. One day at a time, right?

Kinda having an off day today

I normally get through my day to day routines without being sad about not having a family after 4 years or trying but for some reason today is a hard one. I don't know how to explain it other than it feels like I have been holding my breath for a really long time and I am unable to exhale.

The most frustrating part is that I am in this limbo stage. No treatments going on and none planned. No talk of treatments or adoption. I guess I feel like I am wasting time. I know this is a "mental break" that my husband and I both agreed on but I just feel like I should be doing something.

And what's more frustrating is when I read the blogs of women who have suceeded and gotten pregnant, I get more sad. Shouldn't I be happy? Shouldn't their stories be ones of inspiration for me? But instead, I sit here crying while I read them, wishing it was me.

I am just ready to exhale and put all this behind me.

Death and Infertility

So in my day to day life, I like to think that I appear normal. Even when my mind is screaming, I try to splash on a smile and walk on. This past week has been no different. My husband's stepfather passed away. We knew it was coming, but you can never prepare yourself enough. My Brother-in-law gave the eulogy and I was amazed by his strength. If I were in his shoes, I would be a blubbering mess that no one could understand. One thing he said (and I am paraphrasing) is that his father would never see his grandchildren attain certain goals (ie: graduation, marriage, college). All I could then think is that "he will never see our kids" and it made me even more sad than I was before (which was pretty sad!). My husband's step dad had a pretty big impact on his life and just knowing he will never have the chance to meet any child we have (either through adoption or a miracle of God) is heart breaking for me so I can only imagine how my husband feels.

Then I got angry with myself and my mind started to wander "Why couldn't everything just work out and he could have seen and spent some time with our child? Why am I even thinking about this in the middle of a funeral? Why does life have to be so hard sometimes? Why does that woman wear so much makeup?" No lie, these exact thoughts in that order went through my head.

My Annual Appointment

I dread it every year. It was last week and it was horrible! Ever since we did our first IUI years ago (has it really been years? :sigh:) I get really bad anxiety when I go to the Doctor. ANY DOCTOR. So you can only imagine how freaked out I get at my annual visit to my OBGYN.

When I pull up, I brace myself for all the pregnant bellies I will have to stare at in the waiting room. My favorites are the girls who look like they are in high school. Fertile little sluts (I am joking!) Well I dodged a bullet this day because it was me and a few other women who from the looks of them weren't pregnant or at least not showing. I am called back pretty quickly and think "sweet, let's just get through this as fast as I can so I don't have to slit my wrists"

I go back and the nurse asks me all the normal questions, takes my weight and blood pressure (both were higher than I had hoped). I go get naked with my gown and cheap paper sheet over my goods and wait........................and wait..............here's come more anxiety............wait................here comes the red splotches on my chest............wait...............face getting hot................where is that doctor??

I don't know how long I sat in that room freaking myself out but it seemed like an eternity. He comes in and asks the normal questions, congratulates me on quitting smoking, asks about the frozen cycle. I was pretty detached from the conversation. I just wanted to get dressed, cool down and get the hell out of there without crying. He did the exam while we talked about Black Friday (yes, it was as awkward as it sounds) and then he said he wanted to recheck my blood pressure.

So I got dressed and went out to the nurse's station so she could take it again. Right as she puts the cuff on, he starts talking to me about how he had been at a conference for two day prior about weight loss and infertility. He said when women are actively trying to lose weight their infertility goes down but then once they are at a comfortable weight it goes back up and that maybe that could help me. Well guess what? My blood pressure actually went up the second time and I think it is because he was talking about the two subjects that give me the MOST anxiety: infertility and weight. He told me I needed to get it checked out in the next few months because every time I come in it has been a little high. I have explained before that it is him and his office. My mom has a blood pressure machine and when i take it over there, it is fine.

At this point, I had completely checked out of the situation. I wanted the cuff off my arm and was ready to hit the door running. Yes, I know I need to lose weight and I am constantly trying but not so I can miraculously get pregnant. That isn't going to happen. Because unless me losing weight can help with my left ovary not producing eggs or my husband's low sperm count and motility, it is a longshot that it would help our situation.

October FAIL

So I signed up for ICLW and then didn't even bother to leave one comment. Not from lack of trying. I would sign and and go to the list but it seemed like every blog I clicked on was either "expecting", was in the middle of a cycle or their two week wait. These stories used to inspire me to keep pressing on, try again and again. Now, they just completely beat me down. Where are the blogs for those who have lost hope or the ones who are done with fertility treatments but haven't quite moved on to adoption. Where are the "currently in limbo" bloggers at?

I am "fine"

Women say this all the time and it should be obvious when these statement is uttered, normally it is far from the truth. I have no idea why I do this or why I even try to pretend I am "fine" when I am clearly not. I have a lot of emotions I am trying to work through now and the worst part is I do not feel like anyone understands my feelings. When I try to open up, I get dumbfounded looks and "I am sorry" or someone just changes the subject. I understand people don't know what to say but I cannot stand hearing "I am sorry" anymore or seeing another :( on texts. I am sad. I am angry. I am lonely. I am so many different things that I don't know how to process it anymore. And more than anything I am tired of acting like I am ok with everything. I am not ok with it. I don't want to hear about pregnancies, baby showers, sonograms, anything to do with pregnancy anytime soon. Everyone just expects me to "get over it" or not talk about it anymore. If I hear I "should just be happy with the good things I have" one more time, I am more than likely going to freak out on that person. Unless you have ever dealt with this, you have NO idea what I am going through. I guess it is just so frustrating because even when I am in a group of family and friends I still feel alone.

The Secret Cycle - Farewell IVF

It has been so hard not being able to post all the blogs regarding our secret cycle but we used our last frozen embryo last month and I got the results of blood work this morning. It was negative, which we fully expected since I started bleeding and cramping last night. I am sad but also I feel this great sense of relief. It is over. I did everything in my power to make this work and it didn't. I know now I have one of the strongest marriages of anyone I know because Josh and I went through this together and even though we didn't get the results we wished for, we came out the other end and we are still united, in love and have a stronger bond then we have ever had.

What's next? Hawaii next summer with Josh's parents and I cannot wait. Josh and I referred to this cycle as baby or aloha so Hawaii get ready! The Franklins are heading your way and plan on drinking A LOT, snorkeling all day long and staying up to see the sun rise at least once!

I am not going to make any final decisions but head, heart and uterus are telling me we are done with IVF. Not only does it take an emotional toll on me, but I worry about what all the drugs do to my body. I really feel at peace with this and think in a year Josh and I will re-evaluate and look at other options to be parents. Do I still want children? Of course. Am I stuck on them being my biological children? Not as much as I once was. All I know is even though we don't have kids, Josh and I are still a family and we have some furry kids to get us by for now.

For those of you who are still pursuing your dreams of children either through fertility treatments or adoption, Good Luck, I wish you the best and babies for you all.

I went ahead and posted all the blogs below that I have kept as drafts through this cycle just so you know how everything went down. They are in between the ones I was posting so here is a list if you want to check them out in order go from farthest back to most recent:

1. Consultation
2. Accupuncture
3. That is a beautiful uterus
4. Transfer Date
5. Wanna be Kardashian on transfer day
6. I am a googlin' fool

Kelley

The Dreaded Facebook Announcement

How horrible is that someone announcing they are expecting on facebook puts me into a bad mood? Doesn't even matter if it is an aquaintance or my best friend. It upsets me everytime. Then I feel bad that someone else's happiest moment in their life pisses me off. And I actually then count the number of people I know are pregnant then I write myself off because what are the chances that I would know 11 people who are pregnant and then be the 12th. (this is an accurate number in my life right now - 11)

I know it doesn't work that way. It's not like God is sitting up there saying "I reached my limit of pregnancies this month, maybe next time Franklin". But in my crazy head, this is what I think occurs every time someone else I know pops up pregnant. I think "great, she is pregnant so that means I can't be" which is ludicrous!

OK Honesty time: When someone announces they are pregnant on Facebook, I become a psycho stalker for at least a day. I read everyone's congrats and comments (never commenting myself if person knows about our struggle to start a family because I do not want to draw attention to my infertile uterus). Then I go back and read past status updates looking for posts that imply pregnancy (ex: I am so tired or I have felt under the weather lately - these two always trip my pregnancy radar).

So just know if we are friends on Facebook and you are pregnant, I am totally stalking your page. Maybe if I read enough and look at enough ultrasound pics, it will rub off on me?

I am a googlin' fool!!

So I would like to think from the outside looking in, I look pretty calm, cool and collected, normal and put together. No one would know that I am currently in my 2WW. I know I have done everything I can possibly do to make this work, now it is up to God. But that doesn't stop me from researching on the internet how things went down for other infertiles!! It is like my little guilty pleasure. When I am alone I start googlin' all kinds of IVF stuff. Here is a little sample:

• "How many days post transfer positive BFP"



• "5BB embryo IVF"



• "nausea after IVF"



• "Frozen cycle HPT"

The list is embarrasingly longer than this but I still have some dignity so you only get a sample of my googling subjects. Some people obsess over HPTs and buy tons of them only to hide them in drawers and under cabinets and quietly pee on when they are alone, hoping to see the second line. Luckily, I am not one of those (I am very cheap and don't want to waste the money on tests) but I am a secret google fool, which I know is even worse than peeing on a stick every morning. I have read every "what if" scenario out there and it doesn't make me feel any better or any worse. I HAVE TO STOP!!!! Gotta go, just realized I haven't googled "FET 31 year old 5bb embryo grade" - See I am crazy!!!