The Best Thing in the World....

Most rewarding experience, will change your life, you will know what "real unconditional love" is.

All these sayings make me want to vomit. I don't doubt they are true feeling for those becoming a parent but they are so cliche' and nauseating to hear every time someone gets pregnant. I am not sure if people use them as verbal filler or they really think that the person doesn't know their life if about to change so they feel the need to let them in on this "secret".

If I ever have a child of my own through birth or adoption, I will probably think these things but will never utter them out loud. Some more appropriate things for me would be:

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  I hope the baby is healthy
  



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  I hope the child is emotionally stable (only one crazy in this family and I got years on you kid!)
  



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  I hope the child doesn't disappoint me (this is a big one. After all the build up, I will have HIGH expectations for any child of mine)
  



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  I hope the child doesn't grow up to be a serial killer (Josh makes me watch too many shows on serial killers so now this has been added to my fears. I mean could you imagine being the mother of some kind of monster like Manson or The Zodiac Killer)



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  I hope the kid isn't stupid (we've all seen those kids, ya know the ones where you think man, I hope you are going to be good lookin' b/c the smarts missed you!)
  



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  I hope the kid isn't ugly (aw yes, the ugly baby. Don't judge me, you have seen the babies that hit every branch of the ugly tree on the way out of the vagina)
  

I OBVIOUSLY don't have a child so I don't know if it really is the BEST THING IN THE WORLD, so to me the BEST FEELING EVER IN THE WORLD, is laying on a beach drinking a pina colada in Mexico and not having a worry or care in the world.

I need a PROJECT

One thing I have realized as I have gotten older is I LOVE staying busy. Maybe it is because when I am not busy, I obsess over the not so great things in my life. And when I am busy and then feel accomplished, I feel good about myself and have more of a positive outlook. Who knows. The point is I need a project and fast. I have been reading a TON lately but books are starting to not be enough. I need something HANDS ON. Oh, and did I mention, I need it to be cheap since we do not have as much disposable income as we used to.

The one project I keep thinking about it painting the hall, living room and front sitting room in our house. Yes, this would be a HUGE undertaking but this time I would NOT attempt to ask Josh for help (see previous post - http://kel2ey.blogspot.com/2010/08/painters-we-are-not.html). I like him way too much to put our marriage through that again.

I don't know. I just need SOMETHING. Any ideas?

It comes in 3s right?

In the past week, I have found out that three different people I know are pregnant so hoping that is it for a while but I have a sneaking suspicion it isn't and there may be a 4th person popping up soon. Just to reiterate, it isn't that I am not happy for these couples, it is that I am selfish and wish it was me. It isn't that I don't want others to be pregnant, I would just like to be pregnant with them or before them or heck, after them. Beggars can't be choosers and I will take what I can get.

It's one of those things where I feel like everyone is moving on with life and I am still stuck in this infertile limbo stage. A light just went off in my head and I realized Dante should have made this a level of hell!!!! Kinda funny in one way but in another, so not cool.

Not this year.

Well unfortunately I didn't get exactly what I wanted for Christmas. Aunt Flow reared her ugly head the day after Christmas and it ruined my dreams of telling Josh I had one more gift for him and showing him a positive pregnancy test on New Years Eve. Yes, these are the fantasies I have now. No longer are they consumed with winning the lottery or being famous, now my fantasies consist of me peeing on a stick and seeing a + sign. (Kinda sad isn't it?). Well, maybe next Christmas. But my positive outlook of this miracle happening is getting less and less enthusiastic. Bleh.

I am not going to lie, I am BEAT DOWN with this infertility crap. I am tired of it consuming my life. Sure, I function on a daily basis, I get up, go to work, clean the house, pay the bills, and eat (too much) but I feel like I want to scream a LOT. My anxiety level over the last few years has SKY ROCKETED. It is the weirdest thing, I will be fine just going on with daily things and then I will get VERY TENSE. Sometimes there are triggers but other times, I can't tell you why I get this way. I just do and have to wait for it to pass.

I was asked the other day when the "old" Kelley will be coming back and it made me incredibly sad because the only answer I could give was "She isn't. this is who I am now" and I HATE it.

31

I remember when I was a kid I LLLOOOOVVEEEDDDD my birthday. Loved it so much I had an entire birthday week dedicated to me getting a year older. Then I turned 29 and I wanted to stop time and not get a year older until I felt more accomplished in my life. The last three years, I have DREADED my birthday, mostly because I see my window for having a baby getting smaller and smaller but also because I can't help but think about the life I envisioned for myself at 30. Married, two kids (one girl and one boy), stay at home mom, room mother for kid's classes, going to soccer games and dance recitals on the weekends, doing mom things. It's weird how life takes you to places you never dreamed for yourself and sometimes doesn't take you to the places you always thought you belonged.

On a completely different subject, I have been extremely curious about how women who have struggled with infertility feel when they are finally pregnant? And when they finally hold that precious baby in their arms? Do you forget everything you went through and all the tears that have been shed? I am just curious because let's say I do get pregnant again eventually and make it past the 1st trimester (GASP!) When will I get to the point where I can take a deep breath and relax? After the first trimester? When I have the baby in my arms? When that baby turns 18? Will I ever relax? Probably not. (I am a spaz)

Am I ready to get back on the saddle? Well actually "In the stirrups"

We have one frozen egg still waiting on it's would-be parents to make a decision on whether we can attempt to make a family with it. I am so torn b/c we have paid for storage and I hate to think we wasted all that money for an egg that will be thrown away. On the other hand, am I ready to go through this again? I have just recently allowed myself to even toy with the idea and it is extremely frightening.
Before I would even attempt a frozen cycle, I would have tests run that are now covered by my insurance since I have miscarried twice. So it will be a long road ahead of me full of more tears and let downs or one of a new life. I feel like I am on the high dive and trying to decide if I should jump right into the unknown or if I should climb down the stairs to the hard cold ground I am familiar with.

Gee, how about some cheese with that "whine"?

It's a little embarrassing to go back and read through my posts because the majority of them are SO WHINEY and WOAH IS ME. After a while, I would be surprised if anyone came back to read. But I have to remind myself that the purpose of this blog is to work through my feelings about our situation and not necessarily for the enjoyment of my 3-4 readers. Yes I think i have that many readers, jealous? I am BIG TIME in the blog world.

My friend had her son's 1st birthday party this weekend and that morning she called to inform me that two of the chicks that will be there are expecting and one of them is already griping about being pregnant. Yay. I could tell she felt awkward and I hate that people feel that way about telling me something that would otherwise be happy news. I hate that people need to try and warn me if a pregnant woman will be within 20 feet of me, especially when I barely know the knocked up chicks. It makes me wonder sometimes why they tell me beforehand. Do they think if I didn't know and when it came up, I will burst into tears and run out the door screaming or make some kind of big scene, kidnapping babies to call my own on the way out? In reality, I know they don't know what I will do and are just trying to protect me.

Well, it isn't fun or happy, but just so you know, I will cry. Not in front of anyone but Josh. I have become the queen of holding myself together in front of people when fertility is involved. In my head, I will curse but on the outside I will smile and be as normal as I can possibly be. After my good cry, I will pull myself back together and think about the happy side of this, that someone else is pregnant. I will quit being selfish and only thinking of me me me and think about the other person and I am truly happy for them.

My therapist (infertility has driven me to seek professional help) thinks that I need to tell family and friends the best way to share this news with me. The problem is, I don't know that there is any way that would be better than the other so I am still working on that.

Here is my earliest draft:

Dear Friend and Family,

The following are acceptable ways to break the news to me that you are pregnant.

1. Send it in a letter by pigeon.
2. Singing telegram
3. Write it on a $100 bill and give that to me (to keep of course) I will also take anything over $100.
4. When you start to notice I have lost weight then you can tell me in person (only after telling me how good I look)
5. In Morose code
6. Call me when you are in labor
7. Just tell me but then promise me that I will be the kid's favorite person in the whole wide world and follow through after said kid is born
8. While on space mountain at Happiest Place on Earth
9. After I win the lottery
10. After I have my own perfect baby in my arms

Regards,

Kelley

June 14th, 2010

Today would have been my due date. Normally I am really bad at dates but this date stuck with me because today is also my best friend's 30th birthday. I remember when the nurse told me the due date a sense of excitement came over me. As soon as she left, I turned to Josh and said "that is Steph's birthday. That is a sign from God that everything is going to be OK." I was so happy and could not wait to get through this appointment and call her to tell her the awesome news. But I never got the chance. Less than 5 minutes later that all changed when the Dr came in and couldn't find anything on the sonogram. My heart broke right there in that chair and it stayed broken for a very long time.




Today, 9 months later, my heart has mostly healed and my best friend is 30. Do I wish things had turned out differently? OF COURSE! Am I happy where I am today in my life with Josh, family and friends. I can honestly say "yes". (and this is the first time I have said this in the past 9 months) I am so proud of the person I am. I am stronger than I have ever imagined I could be. What I have been through the last few years has not only showed my strength but has also helped me realize how important it is to surround yourself with loving friends and family that will be there at your best and your worst.

Take that ovaries

Dear Ovaries,

Since you are all grandma-like and wont' produce as many eggs as you should at the ripe old age of 30, which makes it extremely difficult to birth my own child, I have taken things into my own hands. I went out and got me my own baby. And I think we got the best one! Sure, he is hairy, drools and has peed and pooped on my floor a few times but he is all mine and doesn't require diapers! Oh and he will never talk back....

Meet Maximus Markel Franklin. He was born January 26, 2010 and became a Franklin on April 2nd. He is a full blood blue meryl collie and is going to be HUGE.

Neglecting

Yeah, I do. But I don't even know if anyone still bothers to read this anyways. I neglect this blog completely most days b/c not only is it a reminder of the biggest let down of my life (dramatic, anyone?) but also because when I read it, it hurts me to think about having to go through this again with the frozen egg. (the fee we paid up front to freeze it expires in October so trying to decide if we should just dump the Popsicle or attempt to unfreeze it and go for round 2 with my nemesis.....IVF. But alas, that is not a decision to be made today or anytime in the near future.

I still keep up with other infertiles on here and every time I read that IVF or IUI worked for these couples and they are expecting, I cry. These tears are not the same tears I cried many times when someone else got pregnant the old fashioned way (my jealous tears I call them, as harsh as it sounds, it is true). These tears are honestly tears of joy that someone who once felt the way I do and has gone through a similar situation, got their happy ending (or beginning depending on how you look at it). I guess these stories give me hope. I pray every day that God will bless Josh and I with a healthy baby but I also pray for a list of other couples, some of them I know and others are faceless bloggers who have helped and inspired me in different ways.

Most days, I try not to think about it. But there is a day every few weeks where it consumes me again. I let myself have that then the next day I move on. The one thing that has bothered me lately is that I really want to give my parent's grandchildren. My mom is one of those ladies who oogles over babies and goes on and on and I want to give her one she can oogle and hold and love on so badly and so I feel like I am letting her down. Josh's family already has grand kids so I am thankful I don't have the pressure of both families. And this pressure is not at all put on me by my mother or my family, it is my own doing and I recognize that. But nonetheless, it is still there. It is just something I need to learn to deal with and get over.

So much for pretending

I don't know if it is because Aunt Flow just left or because I am tired but today is one of those days where I emotionally hurting from not having a baby, not being pregnant, and not being fertile. I can honestly say that some days I am happy to just have the people and things I have in my life and realize how lucky I am but then there are other days when I am totally pretending that I am ok, everything is ok, that it will be fine if we don't ever conceive our own child. I say things like "we can travel, we can adopt, we can do whatever we want." And some days I believe it and then there are other days....Well today is an "other day. I feel like those statements are just a bunch of BS. We have accrued so much debt during treatments, I will be 100 by the time we could afford to travel or adopt. Not to mention, I only get a total of 2 weeks of vacation a year which really doesn't allow for much international traveling unless Mexico counts.

Also, I am trying to figure out a way to get this guy at work to quit calling me "Momma" every time he calls in or I see him. I am guessing he has no idea what I have gone through and means it as a term of endearment but everytime he says it, I just feel so defeated and my heart hurts a little b/c I start thinking about how I am not a mother, and more than likely won't be one ever and then my thoughts spiral out of control trying to see the future and maybe someday I will have a child but let's face it, odds are stacked against me with my infertility and lack of money. (One word makes all these emotions well up in me and I want to scream but I just smile on the outside and just answer his questions as if I don't have a care in the world) If I could say what I really wanted to, I would scream at him, "I have had 2 miscarriages, 1 IUI and 1 very expensive IVF attempt that failed. SO I am hardly a mother, so quit calling me that" then I would kick him. hehehe

I guess I just needed to get that out of my system today. I have a therapist appointment in an hour so I am hoping I get my money's worth from that! I really need it.

Oh and the whole I am quitting smoking after NYE has not been 100% successful, which annoys and makes me feel down. I am not full on smoking but I would be lying if I told the blogosphere I haven't had one here and there. Sometimes I hate it and think why did I just smoke then there are other times, I completely enjoy the relief. I need an another awesome relief...and if you say "work out", I will kick you. hehehehe

Am I really getting better at this?

I got some news this evening that once again someone else I know is pregnant. And maybe I am getting better at hearing this news or I am numb to it, or have come to expect that every 4.2 weeks I will inevitably here the words "I am pregnant" and it won't be me saying it. Maybe it is because this time it wasn't someone that I see all that much. Well whatever the reason, I am happy to report that I did not start feeling sick at my stomach, I didn't cry, I didn't get angry, I didn't automatically get in pajamas, turn off light and pull the covers over my head (all things I have done in the past to cope with the news that someone else is pregnant). My response "was oh, how far along is she?" That's cool. After I said it, I was taken aback at my reaction. Baby steps people (no pun intended). Just don't expect to see me throwing baby showers or even attending one soon.

WARNING: This will not always be my reaction in future. Pregnant chicks: Approach with caution.