Angry Day

Today is one of those days where I am just plain old angry. Angry at myself for things I can help and things I can't. Why can't I just miraculously get pregnant and 9 months later give birth to a healthy baby? Why is it that I constantly compare my life to others, but only when I am on the losing side of the comparison? Why is it that I bust my ass for 40 days and lose absolutely no weight? How do you know when being in a funk is actually slipping into depression? I am just angry about so many things and have all this frustration built up that I feel like I need some major release to make it all go away, but I have no idea what that release would be. I have good days and bad days, and today is a bad one.

So much for pretending

I don't know if it is because Aunt Flow just left or because I am tired but today is one of those days where I emotionally hurting from not having a baby, not being pregnant, and not being fertile. I can honestly say that some days I am happy to just have the people and things I have in my life and realize how lucky I am but then there are other days when I am totally pretending that I am ok, everything is ok, that it will be fine if we don't ever conceive our own child. I say things like "we can travel, we can adopt, we can do whatever we want." And some days I believe it and then there are other days....Well today is an "other day. I feel like those statements are just a bunch of BS. We have accrued so much debt during treatments, I will be 100 by the time we could afford to travel or adopt. Not to mention, I only get a total of 2 weeks of vacation a year which really doesn't allow for much international traveling unless Mexico counts.

Also, I am trying to figure out a way to get this guy at work to quit calling me "Momma" every time he calls in or I see him. I am guessing he has no idea what I have gone through and means it as a term of endearment but everytime he says it, I just feel so defeated and my heart hurts a little b/c I start thinking about how I am not a mother, and more than likely won't be one ever and then my thoughts spiral out of control trying to see the future and maybe someday I will have a child but let's face it, odds are stacked against me with my infertility and lack of money. (One word makes all these emotions well up in me and I want to scream but I just smile on the outside and just answer his questions as if I don't have a care in the world) If I could say what I really wanted to, I would scream at him, "I have had 2 miscarriages, 1 IUI and 1 very expensive IVF attempt that failed. SO I am hardly a mother, so quit calling me that" then I would kick him. hehehe

I guess I just needed to get that out of my system today. I have a therapist appointment in an hour so I am hoping I get my money's worth from that! I really need it.

Oh and the whole I am quitting smoking after NYE has not been 100% successful, which annoys and makes me feel down. I am not full on smoking but I would be lying if I told the blogosphere I haven't had one here and there. Sometimes I hate it and think why did I just smoke then there are other times, I completely enjoy the relief. I need an another awesome relief...and if you say "work out", I will kick you. hehehehe

So, the thyroid is in your throat.

I thought it was in your stomach! Yeah, I may have been on my way to being an expert in fertility but definitely not in any other medical areas as shown by my ignorance. Should have paid more attention in Biology class.....

Just a lil update on Josh and I and our infertile selves. Still not even thinking about pro-creating or the popsicle egg we have in reserve. We are just living life and trying to have as much fun as possible. As of lately, that has been a challenge as it seems like 2010 is not starting out as easy as we had hoped.

For those of you that don't know, Josh has a thyroid condition that is controlled by medicine. He went for his yearly checkup on Christmas eve and the Dr. felt a mass on his thyroid. Tons of tests and already meeting his 2010 deductable by January 6th later (EEK!), we found out he has 8 to 9 nodules on his thyroid. They are not cancerous yet but one of them is a lil discolored and another one is pushing on Josh's windpipe (which could explain his shortness of breath, heavy breathing and monstruous snoring). The thyroid Dr and the ENT Dr both agreed the best plan of attack is to remove Josh's thyroid. We were both very relieved it wasn't cancer but I am still a little weary of them cutting on him, especially on his throat. Josh will go in surgery on Thursday, February 18th at Centennial Hospital in Frisco. (That is my parents' 34th wedding anniversary. Dad has already offered to take Mom to cafeteria for their anniversary dinner!) The surgery should take 2 to 3 hours then they will keep him overnight to monitor his breathing, then he will come home either Friday or Saturday and rest for the next week and then be good as new and ready to go back to work on Monday, March 1st.

So that is what is going on with us...oh yeah and Sunday our bathroom flooded from a backed up pipe. Yay....2010 (can you smell the sarcasm?)

Am I really getting better at this?

I got some news this evening that once again someone else I know is pregnant. And maybe I am getting better at hearing this news or I am numb to it, or have come to expect that every 4.2 weeks I will inevitably here the words "I am pregnant" and it won't be me saying it. Maybe it is because this time it wasn't someone that I see all that much. Well whatever the reason, I am happy to report that I did not start feeling sick at my stomach, I didn't cry, I didn't get angry, I didn't automatically get in pajamas, turn off light and pull the covers over my head (all things I have done in the past to cope with the news that someone else is pregnant). My response "was oh, how far along is she?" That's cool. After I said it, I was taken aback at my reaction. Baby steps people (no pun intended). Just don't expect to see me throwing baby showers or even attending one soon.

WARNING: This will not always be my reaction in future. Pregnant chicks: Approach with caution.

30th Birthday has come and gone and it was perfect.

I had a GREAT Birthday this year, thanks to Josh and my friends and family. Turning 30 really wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. On Saturday, Megan and I had a 70s roller disco Birthday party at Skateland. I had to share a few pictures with you.

The "other" birthday girl and I at our party.

The guys before we left for the party. Mitch, Kurt (don't ask), LB (Lame Bill) and Josh aka Wooderson.

Foxy Ladies.

Hilarious.

So I got tired of reading blogs where everyone is like me. Then I found this:

http://999reasonstolaughatinfertility.blogspot.com/

and now I laugh hysterically. If you have gone through infertility, check this out. You will roll laughing. If you haven't, you probably won't get it and may be offended. But dang, it is all SO true!!!!!

Turning 30

A few years ago if you asked me if I thought turning 30 would bother me, I would have definitely said "no way, it's just a number". So how come on the day before I turn 30, I am dreading my birthday more than Aunt Flow. Maybe because I am used to Aunt Flow showing up monthly and the disappointment she brings with her. Maybe because the fertility doctor told me that my chances of having my own children are dropping drastically every year, maybe because I am no longer young and now the people who work in the malls are referring to me as "ma'am", maybe because now I can't just think "it's OK I am not pregnant, I have time". I guess hitting 30 makes me feel like my time is running out and the door on having children is closing faster and faster every month.
I know when you make a timeline for yourself, you can never expect for it to work out exactly how you planned but it is still a disappointment. I honestly thought by 30, I would be married, have at least one kid and own my own house. Marriage - CHECK, everything else is still on my to-do list. And if you know me at all, you know how I LOVE to mark things off my to-do lists so these two are killing me.
So to add injury to my already foul mood of being an infertile non home owner at 30, I was hit with the news what someone else I know is pregnant unexpectedly. I don't get how all the ladies get pregnant unexpectedly. But I won't even go there.