Neglecting

Yeah, I do. But I don't even know if anyone still bothers to read this anyways. I neglect this blog completely most days b/c not only is it a reminder of the biggest let down of my life (dramatic, anyone?) but also because when I read it, it hurts me to think about having to go through this again with the frozen egg. (the fee we paid up front to freeze it expires in October so trying to decide if we should just dump the Popsicle or attempt to unfreeze it and go for round 2 with my nemesis.....IVF. But alas, that is not a decision to be made today or anytime in the near future.

I still keep up with other infertiles on here and every time I read that IVF or IUI worked for these couples and they are expecting, I cry. These tears are not the same tears I cried many times when someone else got pregnant the old fashioned way (my jealous tears I call them, as harsh as it sounds, it is true). These tears are honestly tears of joy that someone who once felt the way I do and has gone through a similar situation, got their happy ending (or beginning depending on how you look at it). I guess these stories give me hope. I pray every day that God will bless Josh and I with a healthy baby but I also pray for a list of other couples, some of them I know and others are faceless bloggers who have helped and inspired me in different ways.

Most days, I try not to think about it. But there is a day every few weeks where it consumes me again. I let myself have that then the next day I move on. The one thing that has bothered me lately is that I really want to give my parent's grandchildren. My mom is one of those ladies who oogles over babies and goes on and on and I want to give her one she can oogle and hold and love on so badly and so I feel like I am letting her down. Josh's family already has grand kids so I am thankful I don't have the pressure of both families. And this pressure is not at all put on me by my mother or my family, it is my own doing and I recognize that. But nonetheless, it is still there. It is just something I need to learn to deal with and get over.

Angry Day

Today is one of those days where I am just plain old angry. Angry at myself for things I can help and things I can't. Why can't I just miraculously get pregnant and 9 months later give birth to a healthy baby? Why is it that I constantly compare my life to others, but only when I am on the losing side of the comparison? Why is it that I bust my ass for 40 days and lose absolutely no weight? How do you know when being in a funk is actually slipping into depression? I am just angry about so many things and have all this frustration built up that I feel like I need some major release to make it all go away, but I have no idea what that release would be. I have good days and bad days, and today is a bad one.