Tuesday, January 19, 2010

So much for pretending

I don't know if it is because Aunt Flow just left or because I am tired but today is one of those days where I emotionally hurting from not having a baby, not being pregnant, and not being fertile. I can honestly say that some days I am happy to just have the people and things I have in my life and realize how lucky I am but then there are other days when I am totally pretending that I am ok, everything is ok, that it will be fine if we don't ever conceive our own child. I say things like "we can travel, we can adopt, we can do whatever we want." And some days I believe it and then there are other days....Well today is an "other day. I feel like those statements are just a bunch of BS. We have accrued so much debt during treatments, I will be 100 by the time we could afford to travel or adopt. Not to mention, I only get a total of 2 weeks of vacation a year which really doesn't allow for much international traveling unless Mexico counts.

Also, I am trying to figure out a way to get this guy at work to quit calling me "Momma" every time he calls in or I see him. I am guessing he has no idea what I have gone through and means it as a term of endearment but everytime he says it, I just feel so defeated and my heart hurts a little b/c I start thinking about how I am not a mother, and more than likely won't be one ever and then my thoughts spiral out of control trying to see the future and maybe someday I will have a child but let's face it, odds are stacked against me with my infertility and lack of money. (One word makes all these emotions well up in me and I want to scream but I just smile on the outside and just answer his questions as if I don't have a care in the world) If I could say what I really wanted to, I would scream at him, "I have had 2 miscarriages, 1 IUI and 1 very expensive IVF attempt that failed. SO I am hardly a mother, so quit calling me that" then I would kick him. hehehe

I guess I just needed to get that out of my system today. I have a therapist appointment in an hour so I am hoping I get my money's worth from that! I really need it.

Oh and the whole I am quitting smoking after NYE has not been 100% successful, which annoys and makes me feel down. I am not full on smoking but I would be lying if I told the blogosphere I haven't had one here and there. Sometimes I hate it and think why did I just smoke then there are other times, I completely enjoy the relief. I need an another awesome relief...and if you say "work out", I will kick you. hehehehe

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

So, the thyroid is in your throat.

I thought it was in your stomach! Yeah, I may have been on my way to being an expert in fertility but definitely not in any other medical areas as shown by my ignorance. Should have paid more attention in Biology class.....

Just a lil update on Josh and I and our infertile selves. Still not even thinking about pro-creating or the popsicle egg we have in reserve. We are just living life and trying to have as much fun as possible. As of lately, that has been a challenge as it seems like 2010 is not starting out as easy as we had hoped.

For those of you that don't know, Josh has a thyroid condition that is controlled by medicine. He went for his yearly checkup on Christmas eve and the Dr. felt a mass on his thyroid. Tons of tests and already meeting his 2010 deductable by January 6th later (EEK!), we found out he has 8 to 9 nodules on his thyroid. They are not cancerous yet but one of them is a lil discolored and another one is pushing on Josh's windpipe (which could explain his shortness of breath, heavy breathing and monstruous snoring). The thyroid Dr and the ENT Dr both agreed the best plan of attack is to remove Josh's thyroid. We were both very relieved it wasn't cancer but I am still a little weary of them cutting on him, especially on his throat. Josh will go in surgery on Thursday, February 18th at Centennial Hospital in Frisco. (That is my parents' 34th wedding anniversary. Dad has already offered to take Mom to cafeteria for their anniversary dinner!) The surgery should take 2 to 3 hours then they will keep him overnight to monitor his breathing, then he will come home either Friday or Saturday and rest for the next week and then be good as new and ready to go back to work on Monday, March 1st.

So that is what is going on with us...oh yeah and Sunday our bathroom flooded from a backed up pipe. Yay....2010 (can you smell the sarcasm?)