Monday, November 8, 2010

Mouse on a wheel

Sometimes I feel like no matter how hard I try I am never going to get where I want to be. Most days I just ignore that fact that we can't get pregnant. I go along my daily routine trying not to think about what cycle day I am on, if I am ovulating, or if I were to get pregnant right now, when the due date would be.

But then there are days like today....Where I can't concentrate because of something that was said to me which caused me to spiral down into all my "infertile emotions" again. I desperately want to have a child. But not just for me. I want one for Josh and my parents I think more than I want one for myself. I have been told by both parties they are fine with either outcome so I try to find some peace in that. That I am not letting anyone down but myself and that I can deal with. But then little things slip out and it comes to my attention that they do want me to have a child. My mom does want to be a grandma. For those who don't know my mom, when you look at her you just know she was meant to be a mother and a grandmother. She just has that aura around her. And if you know me at all, you know I HATE to let people down. Especially my parents.

That's it really. Just having a "down" day and felt like I needed to get that off my chest since I still do not have a counselor. Yeah, I figure why pay them when I can just type everything I need to say on here for free? The whole world is my counselor.