Friday, April 27, 2012

Keeping up with my uterus

I have decided to take up blogging again. I have at least a dozen followers (yeah, I am big time) that need to know what is or isn't going on with my uterus. Plus, I like trying to convey my feelings to complete strangers in (what I think is) a humorous way. So, I am back ladies and gentlemen and in a big way. I plan on being completely and brutally honest about myself and my infertility. In so many posts I censor what I have to say because I do not want to hurt any one's feelings or for people to take things the wrong way. No More I Say! I will attempt to never be rude or mean. But I will be honest. If I think it, I am typing it.


So I am a complete Facebook stalker. If I have ever known someone and can remember their last name, I have searched for them on Facebook. In most cases, I do not friend request because more than likely there is a reason I don't talk to that person anymore. So I search, find and gather intel until my curiosity has been satisfied or I hit a wall. I hate that Facebook let's people make their profiles private - even though mine is totally private.

But my other favorite is going through my friend's friends list. (See, I need a kid so I can have a life and not have to resort to this kind of stuff) I cannot tell you the thrill I get when I find someone knows someone I also know but we didn't know we knew the same person.

All this Facebooking opens me up to a whole new world of the dreaded, pregnancy announcements. But people I have officially reached a new low. I am now Facebook stalking pregnant people I do not know. Sad, huh? Like I don't have enough in my life, I now search out pregnancy announcements. I am a sick sick infertile.

Side note: I also decided to torture myself a little more and I recorded the Guiliana and Bill season premiere and special on surrogacy. I finally watched it last night when my husband was out. Things like that are best watched in a dark room in my jammies shoving spoonfuls of ice cream into my mouth. It was sobfest 2012 for this girl. I feel horrible about my Rancic post now because these people seem so awesome and so positive and I am not sure I could carry myself like that after everything she has been through. Also, where can I nominate Bill Rancic for husband of the year? Seriously, dude has some husband-ing SKILLS!!!!

Monday, April 23, 2012

The Rancics

So it has been a while since I posted but really nothing has been going on infertile wise. We are still "talking" or really "not talking but thinking" about adoption. And since there has been no actions taken, I really didn't want to bore you with how baby shower invites still upset me and other petty stuff.

However, that all changed today when I read that Giuliana and Bill Rancic are having a baby through a surrogate. I don't watch their show because honestly the infertility thing just hits a little too close to home. However, I knew a little about them through the celebrity gossip sites I visit (Don't judge!)

And here's my take. They are rich and famous. Of course she is getting her happy ending. (or beginning). What about the women out there like me who don't have the financial means to do more than one round of IVF (or even attempt IVF at all)?

I am honestly surprised by my own reaction. I always thought that when she got pregnant (or in this case had a surrogate) it would make me happy. But it doesn't at all. It pisses me off. I am completely jealous that it is happening for her and other women while I just stand on the sidelines.

Now the logical solutions, "do another round of IVF" or "start the adoption process" would be easy to do if money, my sanity and my marriage weren't at stake.

I am scared. We are scared. I am not going to lie. I am scared that we will go through it again and then my marriage will fall apart. Or I am scared I will start the adoption process and they will tell us we aren't fit to be parents. I imagine them telling me this in slow motion then stamping my file with "DENIED" in big red stamp letters.

So in pure Kelley fashion, I will just ignore the issue for now and keep on living my day to day life. One day at a time, right?