Monday, June 20, 2011

I need a PROJECT

One thing I have realized as I have gotten older is I LOVE staying busy. Maybe it is because when I am not busy, I obsess over the not so great things in my life. And when I am busy and then feel accomplished, I feel good about myself and have more of a positive outlook. Who knows. The point is I need a project and fast. I have been reading a TON lately but books are starting to not be enough. I need something HANDS ON. Oh, and did I mention, I need it to be cheap since we do not have as much disposable income as we used to.

The one project I keep thinking about it painting the hall, living room and front sitting room in our house. Yes, this would be a HUGE undertaking but this time I would NOT attempt to ask Josh for help (see previous post - I like him way too much to put our marriage through that again.

I don't know. I just need SOMETHING. Any ideas?

Monday, June 6, 2011

Breaking Dawn Trailer

So if you don't know, I LOVE the Twilight books. I read them when I first started my fertility treatments and they were my escape from doctor's appointment, shots in my stomach and crying over not being pregnant. It was so nice that whenever I couldn't handle anymore, I could just open those books and get lost in the story and forget everything in my life for a little bit. These books renewed my love of reading and so for these reasons they will always have a special place on my bookshelf.

Then, they made the movies. I was very hesitant at first b/c the first movie came out when I was finishing up Breaking Dawn so I already had my characters set in my mind. But then they came out with bad acting and all but I still like them b/c they brought this story to the big screen. I know the movies suck, the acting is horrible and my Edward was much more attractive and less awkward that Robert Pattinson. But I can't help myself. I still get all excited when a new trailer comes out. And one came out last night on the MTV Movie Awards and as I watched curled up in my bed, I felt like a kid again. It was such a nice and pure feeling to get excited over something so trivial and not have to worry about anything.

And yes, this Twerd will be there at midnight in November to get lost in the story all over again.

Friday, June 3, 2011

Minor Setback

Don't you love it when you are coasting on through life, feeling pretty good and something just comes up and knocks the wind out of you? Josh lost his job on Wednesday. We will be ok and be able to pay our bills but THAT IS IT. No movies, no eating out, no paying off credit cards, nada until his unemployment kicks in then we will re-evaluate.

Surprisingly, I am pretty calm. I am not gonna lie, when he first told me I kinda freaked out in my head. That first night was very tense and quiet between us just b/c we were both thinking a LOT about how to make this work. What can be cut out, what is a neccesity right now and what is in limbo. I feel like we have made a short term plan that will work and that really has put my mind at ease for now.

This also puts any type of thoughts of thawing out the final egg on the back burner, which really hurts. Not that we had any plans to thaw it out next month but I had actually been thinking about calling my RE for a consultation appointment. Thinking about that alone is a big step for me. I just need a plan for money and for mental preparations before I dive back in this.

I had a very weird dream the other night where I was explaining my feelings about other people getting pregnant and the emotional toll it takes on those who can't and have been trying and the person in my dream told me I was a "miserable, unhappy person who should just be happy for other people" and it really hurt. Even when I woke up, I was upset that this person in a dream would say that to me and then I got all paranoid thinking "that is what everyone thinks" OMG, I am a horrible person. But then I thought "fuck it" and went back to sleep. If I could change this I would. I can't.

A friend and I often talk about what we would do if we won lotto and I never say it but I would do another round of IVF right away. I don't say it b/c it's a downer in a conversation and I know that. People don't know what to say when I bring up stuff like this, especially those with kids. So I just keep it to myself, which I have been doing a lot lately. Is it good for me? Hell no.

And BTW, if I have to hear that one more person is pregnant on facebook, I may punch my screen or just get off of it all together (and this is not an idle threat - well the part about getting off facebook. I won't punch my screen)