Minor Setback

Don't you love it when you are coasting on through life, feeling pretty good and something just comes up and knocks the wind out of you? Josh lost his job on Wednesday. We will be ok and be able to pay our bills but THAT IS IT. No movies, no eating out, no paying off credit cards, nada until his unemployment kicks in then we will re-evaluate.

Surprisingly, I am pretty calm. I am not gonna lie, when he first told me I kinda freaked out in my head. That first night was very tense and quiet between us just b/c we were both thinking a LOT about how to make this work. What can be cut out, what is a neccesity right now and what is in limbo. I feel like we have made a short term plan that will work and that really has put my mind at ease for now.

This also puts any type of thoughts of thawing out the final egg on the back burner, which really hurts. Not that we had any plans to thaw it out next month but I had actually been thinking about calling my RE for a consultation appointment. Thinking about that alone is a big step for me. I just need a plan for money and for mental preparations before I dive back in this.

I had a very weird dream the other night where I was explaining my feelings about other people getting pregnant and the emotional toll it takes on those who can't and have been trying and the person in my dream told me I was a "miserable, unhappy person who should just be happy for other people" and it really hurt. Even when I woke up, I was upset that this person in a dream would say that to me and then I got all paranoid thinking "that is what everyone thinks" OMG, I am a horrible person. But then I thought "fuck it" and went back to sleep. If I could change this I would. I can't.

A friend and I often talk about what we would do if we won lotto and I never say it but I would do another round of IVF right away. I don't say it b/c it's a downer in a conversation and I know that. People don't know what to say when I bring up stuff like this, especially those with kids. So I just keep it to myself, which I have been doing a lot lately. Is it good for me? Hell no.

And BTW, if I have to hear that one more person is pregnant on facebook, I may punch my screen or just get off of it all together (and this is not an idle threat - well the part about getting off facebook. I won't punch my screen)