Friday, July 16, 2010

You will never believe this.

Ever since my miscarriage I have been seeing a therapist and I absolutely adored her. I really did feel better after each session and even got the point where I didn't require my standing appointment. I would just call her whenever I needed to get in. So I hadn't seen her in a while because I thought I was sittin' pretty dealing with my internal issues (my head is a mess sometimes) and just the other day thought I would like to go talk to her soon but never got around to making the appointment. WELL THANK GOD, b/c I received an email from her on Wednesday night letting me know she is pregnant.

YEP. The therapist I see to deal with all my fertility issues is pregnant. Now wait, she is 40 and never thought she would have her own kids. While I am happy that happened for her, I am still trying to digest that the THERAPIST I see for FERTILITY is PREGNANT. She sent me a very nice email and told me that if she had thought this could have ever happened, she would not have taken my case and apologized because a LOT of my sessions were about me handling the news that someone else around me is pregnant. So I cried because that is what I do. But later when Josh and I were in bed talking, I started laughing at the absurdity of it all. I was still upset but I think at that point, I just couldn't cry over anymore BS anymore, so what else is there to do but laugh.

In her email, she said that maybe I could look at her story and see hope for myself and a few other people have told me that too. I am going to just say this because it is true. There is no way I want be to be 40 years old and pregnant. I know it works out great for other people but I do not see that as being a positive for us. When I am 40, Josh will be 46 and a first time dad, no way. At that point, Josh and I would have established a life sans kids not to mention I would be a NERVOUS WRECK every minute of every day thinking I was going to lose the baby, then there's the pesky chromosome thing which I trip out about now for women who are pregnant that aren't even me.

Am I saying it's now or never for us? DAMN RIGHT. No, I am kidding. I know it won't be right now (on top of the news from my therapist, Aunt Flow showed up to for her visit) but I also can't wait 10 years to have a baby. I am ok with meeting somewhere in the middle though and if not, then parenting and I can go our separate ways.

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Am I ready to get back on the saddle? Well actually "In the stirrups"

We have one frozen egg still waiting on it's would-be parents to make a decision on whether we can attempt to make a family with it. I am so torn b/c we have paid for storage and I hate to think we wasted all that money for an egg that will be thrown away. On the other hand, am I ready to go through this again? I have just recently allowed myself to even toy with the idea and it is extremely frightening.
Before I would even attempt a frozen cycle, I would have tests run that are now covered by my insurance since I have miscarried twice. So it will be a long road ahead of me full of more tears and let downs or one of a new life. I feel like I am on the high dive and trying to decide if I should jump right into the unknown or if I should climb down the stairs to the hard cold ground I am familiar with.