Mouse on a wheel

Sometimes I feel like no matter how hard I try I am never going to get where I want to be. Most days I just ignore that fact that we can't get pregnant. I go along my daily routine trying not to think about what cycle day I am on, if I am ovulating, or if I were to get pregnant right now, when the due date would be.

But then there are days like today....Where I can't concentrate because of something that was said to me which caused me to spiral down into all my "infertile emotions" again. I desperately want to have a child. But not just for me. I want one for Josh and my parents I think more than I want one for myself. I have been told by both parties they are fine with either outcome so I try to find some peace in that. That I am not letting anyone down but myself and that I can deal with. But then little things slip out and it comes to my attention that they do want me to have a child. My mom does want to be a grandma. For those who don't know my mom, when you look at her you just know she was meant to be a mother and a grandmother. She just has that aura around her. And if you know me at all, you know I HATE to let people down. Especially my parents.

That's it really. Just having a "down" day and felt like I needed to get that off my chest since I still do not have a counselor. Yeah, I figure why pay them when I can just type everything I need to say on here for free? The whole world is my counselor.

You will never believe this.

Ever since my miscarriage I have been seeing a therapist and I absolutely adored her. I really did feel better after each session and even got the point where I didn't require my standing appointment. I would just call her whenever I needed to get in. So I hadn't seen her in a while because I thought I was sittin' pretty dealing with my internal issues (my head is a mess sometimes) and just the other day thought I would like to go talk to her soon but never got around to making the appointment. WELL THANK GOD, b/c I received an email from her on Wednesday night letting me know she is pregnant.


YEP. The therapist I see to deal with all my fertility issues is pregnant. Now wait, she is 40 and never thought she would have her own kids. While I am happy that happened for her, I am still trying to digest that the THERAPIST I see for FERTILITY is PREGNANT. She sent me a very nice email and told me that if she had thought this could have ever happened, she would not have taken my case and apologized because a LOT of my sessions were about me handling the news that someone else around me is pregnant. So I cried because that is what I do. But later when Josh and I were in bed talking, I started laughing at the absurdity of it all. I was still upset but I think at that point, I just couldn't cry over anymore BS anymore, so what else is there to do but laugh.

In her email, she said that maybe I could look at her story and see hope for myself and a few other people have told me that too. I am going to just say this because it is true. There is no way I want be to be 40 years old and pregnant. I know it works out great for other people but I do not see that as being a positive for us. When I am 40, Josh will be 46 and a first time dad, no way. At that point, Josh and I would have established a life sans kids not to mention I would be a NERVOUS WRECK every minute of every day thinking I was going to lose the baby, then there's the pesky chromosome thing which I trip out about now for women who are pregnant that aren't even me.

Am I saying it's now or never for us? DAMN RIGHT. No, I am kidding. I know it won't be right now (on top of the news from my therapist, Aunt Flow showed up to for her visit) but I also can't wait 10 years to have a baby. I am ok with meeting somewhere in the middle though and if not, then parenting and I can go our separate ways.

The thing that actually broke me down.

After all that has happened over the past few years, I cannot believe that a dog is what is going to break me down.

A Little Background:
This past April my mom found some Collie puppies in the paper and after trying to convince my brother and his wife to get one with no luck, she set her sights on her youngest child (me). I was an easy catch. I mean who doesn't love puppies??? Especially after another miscarriage. I thought that if I got a puppy, I could get over the feeling of not being pregnant or having a baby. We thought Josh would be a hard sale so I sent in the big guns (MY MOM). After a 20 minute phone call she had Josh on board (SHE IS REALLY GOOD).
We got Max and I won't go into detail about his behavior but he is very reminiscent of Marley in "Marley and Me". He is a handful or as my dad likes to put it "he is a joy to be around".

I am the one who wanted the dog and I know that. Maybe that is why I am so stressed over it. And believe me, I am reminded every day by someone that I am the one who wanted the dog. And so I know he is MY responsibility but the only times I am not having to watch him so he doesn't tear up a chair or shit in my floor, is when he is outside. Yes, Josh's idea of watching the dog is watching tv or playing on the computer while the dog follows me around the kitchen while I make dinner. When I gripe, what does he do? He puts him in the backyard. That is not OK with me. I don't think it is right to just stick a dog in a backyard b/c you don't want to watch him/her.
Then I get the people who are dog experts or think they are looking down their noses at me saying "well he is a puppy. what did you expect?" Yes, I am a failure. I am not strong enough to handle a dog. I get it. I lose. Game Over. Next Please.

Everyone tells me how strong I am for what I have gone through the last few years. Well now they will get to say "Man, did you hear Kelley finally lost it? Yeah, the puppy pushed her over the edge and after all her infertility issues"

I will admit it. We weren't ready for a dog. This is all my fault. So here comes all the guilt. I am 30 years old and if I can't handle a puppy, how on earth would I handle a baby or babies? Maybe God knows what He is doing by not allowing me to have a child. I don't think I could mentally take it. Just having this dog is about to push me off the deep end.

Angry Day

Today is one of those days where I am just plain old angry. Angry at myself for things I can help and things I can't. Why can't I just miraculously get pregnant and 9 months later give birth to a healthy baby? Why is it that I constantly compare my life to others, but only when I am on the losing side of the comparison? Why is it that I bust my ass for 40 days and lose absolutely no weight? How do you know when being in a funk is actually slipping into depression? I am just angry about so many things and have all this frustration built up that I feel like I need some major release to make it all go away, but I have no idea what that release would be. I have good days and bad days, and today is a bad one.

Day 5 of bed rest - CUCKOO CUCKOO!

I am going crazy y'all! I get up every morning and move to the couch and there I lay until time to go to the bedroom to go to bed. I get up to go potty and literally that is it. My mom has been here taking care of me. I have tried to get up just to do little things like get my own water or feed the cat but then she fusses at me so off I go back to my couch prison. Oh and the best part, on the news they keep saying what a nice day it is and to get out there and enjoy it. Rub it in a little more Finfrock! :)

Well I had my blood test yesterday and the nurse called around 4 to tell me the results came back at a 19.

I then asked "OK so what does that mean?"

She said "Anything over a 5 if positive (my heart started to flutter as I got so excited, but then the floor fell out from under me with her next sentence). But we should expect you to at least be at 100 in this stage so you will have to come back on Saturday for another blood test to see if your HCG levels are doubling like they should be"

IN OTHER WORDS, WE STILL DON'T KNOW ANYTHING DIFFERENT!

I asked her what this could be. She said it could be a chemical pregnancy, it could be I miscarried one, it could be that the embryos didn't implant until later, or some left over HCG in my blood stream from my release shot.....

I have an appointment at 9 tomorrow to get blood drawn and then they tell me we should know for sure tomorrow what is going on. (I hope so!)

The bleeding seems to have stopped and I am now only spotting very little when I go potty. So who knows if that was something weird my body is doing or my period. It didn't really seem like a normal period but I have been all jacked up on hormones for so long, my body probably wouldn't have a normal period.

I have been on fertility forums and websites (what else do I have to do?) and I have read about women who had a very low baseline number but then went on to have normal pregnancies. I have also read about women who bled and thought they got their period but then 9 months later gave birth to a healthy baby. So there is just NO TELLING. All I can do is wait and give it up to God. (Which I should have done a week ago but I have a hard time letting go of things, even when I have no control over them)

How can two teeny tiny embryos make me go crazy?

Well I was all positive Polly at first but the wait is killing me and I can slow see my positivity lowering. Do I feel any different? Kinda, but then I think is it all psychosomatic and maybe I am not really as tired as I think I am or my mind is causing me to feel these cramps that I think are implantation cramps. Then I think "No, keep thinking positive." then back to double guessing myself....and then repeat cycle until I think my head is going to explode.

Yes, it is official. Over the last six weeks I have lost my mind and have reached my limit of things I can take. I am sitting here at work today (feeling like I will never completely catch up from being out 2 days this week for the embryo transfer) and our accountant comes up to tell us she is going to be a grandma. OK, I can deal with that (I already knew anyways. At our company, things travel at light speed). Not what I needed to hear.

People have said "oh but you will appreciate it so much more because of everything you have gone through". I can't say I agree with this. I couldn't tell my friends who got easily pregnant that I appreciate what I have or I love my child more just because I went through heartache to get him/her here. It is a nice thought, but just isn't the case.

I know I can't escape people getting pregnant and I know I can't escape my situation either but at this point, I wish I could just push fast forward to get to my happy ending/beginning.