Wednesday, October 28, 2009

I found this on another blog and had to share

This is a story written by Christine Dallimore at We Are All Mothers. I know it is long but it describes perfectly the feelings and emotions I have had and am still having.

"Imagine yourself dressed up in your finest clothes. You and your sweet husband are attending a dinner together in one of the nicest restaurants in town. You both have planned, waited and saved for this evening. To say the least, you are very excited! You and your husband arrive and the atmosphere is more than you expected. Everyone around you is having a good time. The chandeliers are sparkling, candles are glowing and sweet soft music is playing in the background. To your pleasant surprise you see others there you know. You are seated with them and in your heart you think there just couldn't be anything better!The table is just exquisite. Breathtaking really. The people at your table begin to talk to you in jolly conversation. You glance at the menu and you don't even know where to begin! You look over everything slowly and carefully, especially the dessert menu! All of your life you have been hearing about this restaurant's marvellous and divine desserts. Deep in your heart, you have been looking forward to enjoying dessert the most!Everyone at your table orders their food. For dessert they all order chocolate cake. You think, "Hey that sounds perfect. I'll have chocolate cake too please." The waiter nods in approval and quickly swifts off to put in your order. In the meantime, you are still enjoying the surroundings, the music and the company. You grab your husband's hand and sigh "Yes, life just couldn't get any better."The food comes and everything looks just pleasing. Some of the things you tasted you really love, some of the things you didn't. Either way, you know that dessert is on its way. That thought in and of itself is just exciting! Then you see him, your waiter! Your wonderful, blessed waiter with a silver tray full of plates of chocolate cake! He comes and starts handing out plates to those you know. You look at the cake and to put it simply, it looks just divine. You're even more excited now! The waiter comes to your side and then passes you and your husband. You are shocked and think there must be some mistake. you don't know what to do, but rather than make a fuss you think, "Just wait, I will get my chocolate cake soon too."Those that have their dessert are going on and on about how amazing the taste is. You smile, you are truly happy for them. Deep down you are anxious and their feelings only feed your curiosity and desire. Then you see the waiter again and think, "Ahhh, here he is." You notice that he starts handing out seconds and thirds to those that have already had their piece of cake. Your husband doesn't notice, he's busy chatting with the fellow next to him! Deep down though you get a sick feeling in the pit of your stomach. You know something is wrong, something is very, very wrong.You ask the waiter, "Excuse me please. Where is my chocolate cake that I ordered"? The waiter just replies, "The baker has said that you must wait." He rushes off and not another word is said. Time goes on. You still enjoy the surroundings, the people and the conversations. All the while though, you can't get chocolate cake out of your mind. Time keeps creeping by and soon your husband notices too, "Where is our dessert?" You hold his hand and look into his loving eyes and think, "Even without chocolate cake, life is still good."Time, however, creeps and it creeps. At moments it seems like it has even stopped. It's getting late and people are noticing you haven't received your dessert yet. Questions start arising and you just don't know how to respond. You look around other tables and notice that people are also getting their third, fourth and fifth servings of dessert. "Why" is all you have to lean upon.You notice that others have ordered things for dessert besides chocolate cake. There is cherry pie, brownie ice cream sundaes, raspberry cheesecakes and such. They seem just as pleased, if not more pleased with their desserts and you wonder, "Should I order cherry pie too"? You talk to the waiter and he simply says, "I'm sorry ma'am, you just need to be patient and wait."You are starting to burn inside. Despite all of your best efforts you are beginning to boil. You really want to jump on top of the table and stomp while shouting, "Where is my chocolate cake?" You don't though because you know that will get you no where! Instead you look around and notice that there are some that are refusing their chocolate cake. "It will make me fat" one says. "Ugh. I have enough already" another states. One woman, simply dumps her beautiful chocolate cake onto the floor.As you look deeper around you, you notice there are a few others that are waiting too. Your heart goes out to them. You smile and wish there was something more you could do. You know their pain and it hurts. It really hurts.Finally, the waiter comes and he has chocolate cake on that familiar beautiful silver platter...and he has enough for two. One for your husband and one for you! Your so elated with joy that you can't hardly stand it!!! You tell everyone at your table and they are just as happy for you. "We knew it would happen" they say. "You just needed to relax"! Little did they know that deep inside relaxing was the last thing you were feeling! You look at your husband. Tears are in both of your eyes. You carefully take a taste. It's such sweet, sweet perfection. You go to take another and just before you do the waiter comes and gently takes your plates away. "Something is wrong" he says. "Don't worry my dear, the time is soon."There's confusion. Sadness. Anger. Above all though, you are just deeply and truly heartbroken. Heartbroken to the very core. You don't know what to do. You turn to others for support. They cry with you and too ask why. You take a deep breath and find the strength to go on. You have been given the promise that you will receive dessert. It is just not understood as to when. You decide to put your full trust in the baker. You reach far inside within yourself and find the effort to ask your husband to dance.He looks at you and smiles..."Yes, I would love to dance with you my dear one." You both get up, leave the table and set off to dance.As you are dancing, you get your bearings. You again begin to notice your surroundings. The beautiful surroundings that have so magically grabbed your attention in the first place. You remember the music, the sounds, the smell of the sweet flowers. You breath. That's all you can do. You breath and slowly begin to enjoy the moment again. Slowly, it all comes back to you. The things you love. Being with the person you love the most. The pains you have just felt are still there. Still vulnerable, but you feel life again. Yes, life is still good.After quite a few dances, you both decide it's time to sit at your table. People still have their desserts and their chocolate cakes. Your space is still empty. You decide, however, to really focus on those around you. In doing so you find more joy. The desire for dessert is still there- but it's manageable. Time moves on.Then suddenly, out of nowhere, your waiter appears. He has the biggest smile on his face. He is pleased to announce that you and your husband's dessert is finally here!! Your heart wells up with joy, but you're afraid too. You ask the waiter, "Will you take it away"? "No, this one was made especially for you." You smile back, hardly believing that this could be true or real. You look at it and it's not a dessert you have ever seen before. It's then that you realize that the baker has made a dessert with all of your favorite colors and flavors. Careful detail was lovingly taken into every consideration. "How did He know that this is exactly what I wanted"? The waiter just smiles and says, "Because he knows and loves you." If you look, you can see him there. You look and at the door, through the little round window you see a gentle man with tears in his eyes. He is grinning from ear to ear and looking at you and your husband. You can't hardly see anymore because of all of the happy tears. You whisper a big "Thank You" and in your heart you feel that this simple phrase will never be enough.You look at the people around you, they too have tears in their eyes. They too are smiling from ear to ear. Everything is so precious and tender now- even more so than when you first arrived here. It's then that you learn that the pains you have felt all along the way. The waiting, the crying, the agony. It's all been a special recipe to make this moment this much more wonderful and sacred.In your soul you take a deep breath and slowly let out a big sigh of gratitude.You grab your husband's hand and sigh again, "Yes, life just couldn't get any better."

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

While working, this song played and it really hit me hard today.

Life Ain't Always Beautiful

Life ain't always beautiful
Sometimes it's just plain hard
Life can knock you down, it can break your heart
Life ain't always beautiful
You think you're on your way
And it's just a dead end road at the end of the day
But the struggle makes you stronger
And the changes make you wise
And happiness has it's own way of takin' it sweet time
No,life aint always beautiful
Tears will fall sometimes
Life aint always beautiful
But it's a beautiful ride
Life aint always beautiful
Some days I miss your smile
I get tired of walkin' all these lonely miles
And I wish for just one minuteI could see your pretty face
Guess I can dream, but life dont work that way
But the struggles makes me stronger
And the changes make me wise
And happiness has it's own way of takin' its sweet time
No, life aint always beautiful
But I know I'll be fine
Hey, life aint always beautiful
But its a beautiful ride
What a beautiful ride

In hindsight, I should have waited to post the last blog.

I apologize for the last blog. I wrote it right after we got home from the Dr office and I wish now I would have waited at least a day. While I cannot help but worry how this will affect myself and my marriage, Josh and I are fine. I know I am lucky to have him. People search their entire lives to have what we have and most will never find it. I try to remember how lucky I am to just have him when I get upset about our current situation.

Friday, October 23, 2009

It's Over.

I went to Dr this morning, no baby, no heartbeat, nothing. I had blood drawn to check and see if it is ectopic pregnancy and knowing my luck, it probably is. I cannot tell you effin' angry I am right now. I can't look at Josh without getting hysterical. I do not want to see or talk to anyone (especially if they are pregnant). I know it sounds mean and unfair to say, but it's the truth and how I feel and I think it is ok at this point for me to express that. I am so worried that this is the beginning of the end for Josh and I. Because, let's face it. I am going to be different. We are now 10k in debt and all i have for it are bruises where the effin shots went in. I am not going to be the same person I was before this and it pains me to know I will change for the worst. If you know a good therapist, send me their information. I feel like I am on the verge of just losing my mind and all the things that made me Kelley all my life are slowly going to drift away.

Thanks for all your prayers and thoughts during this time even if they didn't work. Please respect Josh and my privacy through this matter. I know normally I live my life as an open book but with this, I need to be left alone.

Thursday, October 8, 2009

As of today, the shot count is up to 54.

But not all of those were in my belly!! But they are still going and might be going through my first trimester....Not sure.

I got my third and final results on Monday and the nurse said she had some good news. My numbers went from 55 to 153 then started talking about continuing on the meds and for me to come in for sono in a few weeks then I stopped her and asked "Am I really pregnant?" She stopped and said "Yes. Congratulations, you are pregnant". My heart started to flutter and I couldn't believe it. The things I had been wanting since my miscarriage finally came true and at that moment, I felt a sense of relief. Until she told me I have to continue with the injections until my first sonogram on October 23rd then we will discuss. I know it could be just for the first 11 weeks but I am so sick of needles I could scream. But I will keep taking them every night for my baby.....Man this kid better rock after everything we have gone through, all the shots and pills and patches and sonograms, and....I could go on and on.

I had one pregnancy test left and I can't tell you how hard it was not to take it the weekend before we found out for sure I was pregnant. But I am so glad I did because I got awesome pictures like this one.

I can't wait to show these posts to our child so he/she will know what all we went through to get him or her here and show them how much we loved him/her before he/she was even conceived. I know the IVF journey is coming to a close but I cannot wait for the pregnancy journey to get going. Oh the things I will blog about now. I no longer know the definition of TMI.

Please keep up prayers for us and our little miracle.

Saturday, October 3, 2009

I have officially been taken off bed rest.

This morning was my second blood test to check and make sure my HCG levels are rising/doubling. I went and let them stick me for blood for what I hoped would be the last time and then went on my way home for more couch laying.

The nurse called me around noon to let me know that my levels had jumped from 19 to 55 in 48 hours! I said "that is good, right?"and she said "Yes, but Dr. Le would like you to come back in for one more blood test on Monday since the number is so low". So my next and hopefully last blood test will be on Monday at 11. I then inquired about being taken off bed rest before I go insane and she asked the Dr and he said it was fine to go back to work and do light activities. YAY! I am spotting on and off over yesterday and today but that does not freak me out as much as the bleeding this past week did. It does annoy me because right when I think I am done spotting, it shows up again. But this looks like old blood (brown) so that isn't necessarily a bad thing.

I have been reading everything I can find on HCG levels and almost everything I have read says that it isn't what the individual numbers are, but that they double that matters. One possible explanation for my number being so low is that the little embryo didn't implant until later than anticipated so my levels are just now starting to get where they should be. Who knows. I could drive myself crazy reading the different scenarios that could play out for us. So my stance on all of this right now is "cautiously optimistic". Please continue prayers/thoughts that my number keeps rising/doubling as it should.

Friday, October 2, 2009

Day 5 of bed rest - CUCKOO CUCKOO!

I am going crazy y'all! I get up every morning and move to the couch and there I lay until time to go to the bedroom to go to bed. I get up to go potty and literally that is it. My mom has been here taking care of me. I have tried to get up just to do little things like get my own water or feed the cat but then she fusses at me so off I go back to my couch prison. Oh and the best part, on the news they keep saying what a nice day it is and to get out there and enjoy it. Rub it in a little more Finfrock! :)
Well I had my blood test yesterday and the nurse called around 4 to tell me the results came back at a 19.

I then asked "OK so what does that mean?"

She said "Anything over a 5 if positive (my heart started to flutter as I got so excited, but then the floor fell out from under me with her next sentence). But we should expect you to at least be at 100 in this stage so you will have to come back on Saturday for another blood test to see if your HCG levels are doubling like they should be"


I asked her what this could be. She said it could be a chemical pregnancy, it could be I miscarried one, it could be that the embryos didn't implant until later, or some left over HCG in my blood stream from my release shot.....

I have an appointment at 9 tomorrow to get blood drawn and then they tell me we should know for sure tomorrow what is going on. (I hope so!)

The bleeding seems to have stopped and I am now only spotting very little when I go potty. So who knows if that was something weird my body is doing or my period. It didn't really seem like a normal period but I have been all jacked up on hormones for so long, my body probably wouldn't have a normal period.

I have been on fertility forums and websites (what else do I have to do?) and I have read about women who had a very low baseline number but then went on to have normal pregnancies. I have also read about women who bled and thought they got their period but then 9 months later gave birth to a healthy baby. So there is just NO TELLING. All I can do is wait and give it up to God. (Which I should have done a week ago but I have a hard time letting go of things, even when I have no control over them)

Thursday, October 1, 2009

Nervous Feeling

Well, the day is finally here. TEST DAY. I cannot tell you all the feelings and emotions that are going through me right now. I guess the biggest one is fear. Fear of the test being negative and this not working, fear of letting myself down, fear of letting all of you down who have been thinking and praying for us, fear of letting my mom and dad down, but mostly fear of letting Josh down. He keeps telling me everything will be OK either way but the thought of me not being pregnant and seeing his disappointment will kill me. I love him so much and so want to give him a child and I feel like a complete let down if I can't do that.

I know, I know think positive. Everyone I have talked to has told me that and I want you to know how incredibly hard that is. While I want to be positive, I also want to prepare myself for the worst. Also, I don't feel pregnant. I would think if a foreign entity was growing in my body, I would have some idea or feeling. The only feelings I have lately are nervousness, which has caused me to have stomach issues.

I am still bleeding. Sometimes it is lighter than others but for the most part, pretty regular. It hasn't been really heavy since Monday so I am guessing that may be a good thing. I haven't had cramps since Tuesday evening, now I just need to quit bleeding.

Today is a turning point and it will come with just one phone call. That call will either devastate or elate me. I am trying to prepare myself for either outcome but I am really ready for all of this to be over so I can move on with my life either way.