Thursday, December 8, 2011
When I pull up, I brace myself for all the pregnant bellies I will have to stare at in the waiting room. My favorites are the girls who look like they are in high school. Fertile little sluts (I am joking!) Well I dodged a bullet this day because it was me and a few other women who from the looks of them weren't pregnant or at least not showing. I am called back pretty quickly and think "sweet, let's just get through this as fast as I can so I don't have to slit my wrists"
I go back and the nurse asks me all the normal questions, takes my weight and blood pressure (both were higher than I had hoped). I go get naked with my gown and cheap paper sheet over my goods and wait........................and wait..............here's come more anxiety............wait................here comes the red splotches on my chest............wait...............face getting hot................where is that doctor??
I don't know how long I sat in that room freaking myself out but it seemed like an eternity. He comes in and asks the normal questions, congratulates me on quitting smoking, asks about the frozen cycle. I was pretty detached from the conversation. I just wanted to get dressed, cool down and get the hell out of there without crying. He did the exam while we talked about Black Friday (yes, it was as awkward as it sounds) and then he said he wanted to recheck my blood pressure.
So I got dressed and went out to the nurse's station so she could take it again. Right as she puts the cuff on, he starts talking to me about how he had been at a conference for two day prior about weight loss and infertility. He said when women are actively trying to lose weight their infertility goes down but then once they are at a comfortable weight it goes back up and that maybe that could help me. Well guess what? My blood pressure actually went up the second time and I think it is because he was talking about the two subjects that give me the MOST anxiety: infertility and weight. He told me I needed to get it checked out in the next few months because every time I come in it has been a little high. I have explained before that it is him and his office. My mom has a blood pressure machine and when i take it over there, it is fine.
At this point, I had completely checked out of the situation. I wanted the cuff off my arm and was ready to hit the door running. Yes, I know I need to lose weight and I am constantly trying but not so I can miraculously get pregnant. That isn't going to happen. Because unless me losing weight can help with my left ovary not producing eggs or my husband's low sperm count and motility, it is a longshot that it would help our situation.
Thursday, November 3, 2011
Monday, October 10, 2011
Friday, September 23, 2011
- That is a beautiful uterus
- Transfer Date
- Wanna be Kardashian on transfer day
- I am a googlin' fool
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
I know it doesn't work that way. It's not like God is sitting up there saying "I reached my limit of pregnancies this month, maybe next time Franklin". But in my crazy head, this is what I think occurs every time someone else I know pops up pregnant. I think "great, she is pregnant so that means I can't be" which is ludicrous!
OK Honesty time: When someone announces they are pregnant on Facebook, I become a psycho stalker for at least a day. I read everyone's congrats and comments (never commenting myself if person knows about our struggle to start a family because I do not want to draw attention to my infertile uterus). Then I go back and read past status updates looking for posts that imply pregnancy (ex: I am so tired or I have felt under the weather lately - these two always trip my pregnancy radar).
So just know if we are friends on Facebook and you are pregnant, I am totally stalking your page. Maybe if I read enough and look at enough ultrasound pics, it will rub off on me?
Thursday, September 15, 2011
- "How many days post transfer positive BFP"
- "5BB embryo IVF"
- "nausea after IVF"
- "Frozen cycle HPT"
The list is embarrasingly longer than this but I still have some dignity so you only get a sample of my googling subjects. Some people obsess over HPTs and buy tons of them only to hide them in drawers and under cabinets and quietly pee on when they are alone, hoping to see the second line. Luckily, I am not one of those (I am very cheap and don't want to waste the money on tests) but I am a secret google fool, which I know is even worse than peeing on a stick every morning. I have read every "what if" scenario out there and it doesn't make me feel any better or any worse. I HAVE TO STOP!!!! Gotta go, just realized I haven't googled "FET 31 year old 5bb embryo grade" - See I am crazy!!!
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
Until my Dad calls Josh to tell him he bought a new TV and needs him to come over and help him. Josh and I are both VERY bad liars. Josh tells dad OK and starts to head over there, then calls me to tell me. (it is approximately 11AM at this point so I start to go into freak out mode) Josh calms me down and says he is going to unload the TV and then tell Dad he has to go to take me to the dentist b/c I have a toothache (which would explain why I was grouchy on Sunday when we were at their house - truth: I had just changed my estrogen patch that morning and it tends to put me on edge). Thank God they bought it! I was about to just give in and tell them what was going on b/c the sneaking around and hiding is too much for me at this point. But Josh took care of it and we were on our way and no one was the wiser.
So now we wait. My first blood test is Sept 22nd and then if that comes back positive, I will do another one to make sure numbers are rising, then a little later I will go in for sono to see heartbeat (you know the drill!) So I have been thinking lots of sticky thoughts and taking it easy. STICK STICK STICK!
Friday, September 9, 2011
- 10 years ago I was a bright eyed college student at the University of North Texas.
- 10 years ago my biggest worry was getting to class on time and what I was going to do on a Friday night.
- 10 years ago, I had not met my husband, I had never had a grown up job.
- 10 years ago I was innocent in so many ways.
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
Friday, September 2, 2011
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
Monday, August 22, 2011
Thursday, August 18, 2011
Josh and I were talking the other night that if the child ever tells me "You don't love me" that he will probably have to restrain me from physically attacking him or her. And you know what, he is right. There would definitely be some "slappage" going on in that situation.
Honestly, I hope we have a healthy child but I also hope I never forget all these feelings and emotions I have right now regarding having children. I think it will make me a better mom for going through everything I have.
Also, we will have a girl. Why? B/c that is just how our life goes. And she will test our patience on many occasions.
Thursday, August 11, 2011
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
I am debating getting this deal, showing up with a stroller and a doll on the first day just to see the look on people's faces. Meet my daughter, Princess Petunia Merryweather Foxy Brown Franklin. She's shy.
Thursday, July 28, 2011
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
At lunch I ran out to this place right around the corner from my work. Pulled in the parking lot, got a front row joe parking spot and was super excited that they didn't look that busy so I would be able to get in and out in an hour. I told the lady in the front that I needed a pedicure, was on my lunch break and needed to be in and out in right under an hour and she smiled and nodded.
I am whisked away to a pedicure chair, offered a drink, took out my book, turn on the massager in the chair, got the diet coke and started the relaxing lunch hour. Then my pedicure technician comes waddling around the corner. Yep, she was pregnant and not just a little baby bump. This chick looked like she could burst at any minute and right in my pedicure spa (ew, they would definitely need some stronger sanitizer), which made instantly feel bad. 1. That I was annoyed she was pregnant and 2. that someone THAT pregnant was going to be giving me a pedicure. SHE should be the one who is getting her feet rubbed. But for now, come on preggo, rub this infertile's feet. (I am so wrong)
But I got over that fast b/c I had some feet than needed scrubbing, toes to be painted and a book that needed to be read. So I assume the "snobby pedicure client" posture in my chair. You know where you give off the vibe that you don't want to chat and refuse to make eye contact. I am really good at it. It's a gift.
I am reading my book and enjoying every minute of my foot scrubbing solice when I can't help but overhear the conversation between two women next to me. They had not assumed the don't talk to me stance in the pedicure chairs, so they were chatting away with one technician. Now, the woman in the chair next to me was very big lady and she made a comment about not being able to reach her toes, which I thought was weird. Then she said "not like I ever could anyways" Now THIS got my attention. This woman made at least 3 comments since I started spying about weight gain. Then it came out, her sister mentioned to the technician that the lady next to me was expecting and was due in October. I was SHOCKED and I couldn't help myself. At this point, I had let down guard, have turned in my chair and am all out staring at this woman. There is no "bump" to speak of. The technician was shocked too b/c she was like "oh, so little can't tell" I almost laughed. There was nothing little about this woman but I knew she was trying to be nice, after all her tip may depend on it. I couldn't quit listening then. I would stare at the pages in my book trying to read but I could not tell you what was on those pages b/c I was engrossed in the non looking pregnant, pregnant lady.
Then for reason unbeknown to me, she starts spilling her guts to the technician. She is 39 has tried online dating a lot within the past few years (which didn't surprise me), has another kid, didn't lose her virginity until she was 33. She originally had wanted to wait til marriage but then I guess that didn't happen. Once again my head turns from my book when I hear this. They are politely ignoring me as far as I can tell. I can't quit listening or staring at her non existent baby bump.
At that point, I checked out. The poor chick rubbing my feet looks like she may be havin labor pains and the extremely overweight chick next to me who was a virgin until she was 33 is due in October. At that point, I just sit back, close my eyes and laugh to myself.
I start to wonder what time it is. It seems like I should be done by now. I finally pull out my phone and it has already been an hour. Ugh, now do I politely tell the 9 month pregnant chick carefuly painting my toes to get the show on the road. She looked so tired and hot. So I let her be and pretty much freaked out the whole time she was painting them that I was going to get in trouble when I got back. I didn't, no one even said anything.
Thank you universe. Thank you for my relaxing pedicure.
Thursday, July 7, 2011
I am actually doing fine without smoking thus far. I even received some upsetting news last night and didn't automatically have the urge to go buy a pack. (I have chosen not to share the upsetting news since it isn't my news to share) The real test will be DRUNK KELLEY. But I hardly ever drink anymore so I don't see that issue coming up in my near future. And in case you were concerned about the mats, I LOVE THEM. Josh said it is like stepping onto soft cotton when you get our of the shower. So, buyer's remorse GONE! Purchase was completely validated by him so that takes care of that!
Have you guys noticed all these feathers in girl's hair? I have seen in on a few of my friend's facebook pics, but we went to the Ranger game last night and I saw a bunch more. Then my friend said she was at the mall trying to find feathers because one of our friends wants one in her hair. Are they clip ons? How do you wash your hair with it in if it is an extension? Do they come with a peace pipe? Will I have one in my hair in a few weeks?
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
But as I sit here thinking about it, I am having buyer's remorse. Note: I got the bigger sized ones and I had two coupons, so I actually saved $12 off of my total. See, even thinking about the money I saved with coupons is not making me feel better about my purchase.
I needed these bath mats though. BAD. I had to buy something at lunch (do you think I have a problem?) and the bath mats were the most logical choice. I went in to the store, only going to buy one....but I had two coupons. I couldn't let the other one go to waste.
Oh, and I have decided to quit smoking completely. I feel pretty optimistic since the other day when I decided, I threw a more than half full pack in the trash can at Kroger. The cheap side of me thought, I just threw money away. Normally I would go ahead and finish the pack and then attempt to quit. But something about actually throwing them away seemed more final for me. Hopefully this will be it. We all know I can quit for a long period of time (I think I quit for a year a while back but then I get mad or upset or miscarry and that's the first thing I want). I have two packs of gum in my purse though and am ready for this. I know I am not addicted to the nicotine because there are times I will not smoke for two days or even a week and be fine with it. So we shall see.
Friday, July 1, 2011
All these sayings make me want to vomit. I don't doubt they are true feeling for those becoming a parent but they are so cliche' and nauseating to hear every time someone gets pregnant. I am not sure if people use them as verbal filler or they really think that the person doesn't know their life if about to change so they feel the need to let them in on this "secret".
If I ever have a child of my own through birth or adoption, I will probably think these things but will never utter them out loud. Some more appropriate things for me would be:
- I hope the baby is healthy
- I hope the child is emotionally stable (only one crazy in this family and I got years on you kid!)
- I hope the child doesn't disappoint me (this is a big one. After all the build up, I will have HIGH expectations for any child of mine)
- I hope the child doesn't grow up to be a serial killer (Josh makes me watch too many shows on serial killers so now this has been added to my fears. I mean could you imagine being the mother of some kind of monster like Manson or The Zodiac Killer)
- I hope the kid isn't stupid (we've all seen those kids, ya know the ones where you think man, I hope you are going to be good lookin' b/c the smarts missed you!)
- I hope the kid isn't ugly (aw yes, the ugly baby. Don't judge me, you have seen the babies that hit every branch of the ugly tree on the way out of the vagina)
I OBVIOUSLY don't have a child so I don't know if it really is the BEST THING IN THE WORLD, so to me the BEST FEELING EVER IN THE WORLD, is laying on a beach drinking a pina colada in Mexico and not having a worry or care in the world.
Monday, June 20, 2011
The one project I keep thinking about it painting the hall, living room and front sitting room in our house. Yes, this would be a HUGE undertaking but this time I would NOT attempt to ask Josh for help (see previous post - http://kel2ey.blogspot.com/2010/08/painters-we-are-not.html). I like him way too much to put our marriage through that again.
I don't know. I just need SOMETHING. Any ideas?
Monday, June 6, 2011
Then, they made the movies. I was very hesitant at first b/c the first movie came out when I was finishing up Breaking Dawn so I already had my characters set in my mind. But then they came out with bad acting and all but I still like them b/c they brought this story to the big screen. I know the movies suck, the acting is horrible and my Edward was much more attractive and less awkward that Robert Pattinson. But I can't help myself. I still get all excited when a new trailer comes out. And one came out last night on the MTV Movie Awards and as I watched curled up in my bed, I felt like a kid again. It was such a nice and pure feeling to get excited over something so trivial and not have to worry about anything.
And yes, this Twerd will be there at midnight in November to get lost in the story all over again.
Friday, June 3, 2011
Surprisingly, I am pretty calm. I am not gonna lie, when he first told me I kinda freaked out in my head. That first night was very tense and quiet between us just b/c we were both thinking a LOT about how to make this work. What can be cut out, what is a neccesity right now and what is in limbo. I feel like we have made a short term plan that will work and that really has put my mind at ease for now.
This also puts any type of thoughts of thawing out the final egg on the back burner, which really hurts. Not that we had any plans to thaw it out next month but I had actually been thinking about calling my RE for a consultation appointment. Thinking about that alone is a big step for me. I just need a plan for money and for mental preparations before I dive back in this.
I had a very weird dream the other night where I was explaining my feelings about other people getting pregnant and the emotional toll it takes on those who can't and have been trying and the person in my dream told me I was a "miserable, unhappy person who should just be happy for other people" and it really hurt. Even when I woke up, I was upset that this person in a dream would say that to me and then I got all paranoid thinking "that is what everyone thinks" OMG, I am a horrible person. But then I thought "fuck it" and went back to sleep. If I could change this I would. I can't.
A friend and I often talk about what we would do if we won lotto and I never say it but I would do another round of IVF right away. I don't say it b/c it's a downer in a conversation and I know that. People don't know what to say when I bring up stuff like this, especially those with kids. So I just keep it to myself, which I have been doing a lot lately. Is it good for me? Hell no.
And BTW, if I have to hear that one more person is pregnant on facebook, I may punch my screen or just get off of it all together (and this is not an idle threat - well the part about getting off facebook. I won't punch my screen)
Thursday, May 12, 2011
Now for those who do not know me, I went to a VERY liberal private school from 6th Grade on where I was taught mostly by old hippies (whom I adored!), we took a nature walk every day and really did have some classes outside. The only rule was "Respect People and Property" so I have experienced the whole natural and peaceful way of life.
Back to Yoga: I walk in the class and there are a few women laying on their mats surrounding two lit candles in the center of the room. This was surprising to me as I thought we would all be facing the mirror. How I am supposed to take my normal place in the back of the class if we are in a circle? The class was fun but I realized I. AM. NOT. FLEXIBLE.
So I found out breathing is really important in Yoga too. In fact, so important that a few of the ladies sounded like Darth Vader. I actually had to open my eyes and look up from positions to see who the the daughter of Vader was. (I could never figure it out but pretty sure it was the teacher) But it did make me giggle.
Then the lady next to me did it (no she didn't poot) she made a moan. And not just a moan like I do in spin class between curse words. This was a full on sex noise. And I lost it. (I know you are thinking this chick is really mature right about now) I was able to not actually bust out laughing but instead did the shaking laugh hoping that no one noticed.
I will keep you updated on this whole Yoga thing. After the first class, I am just really sore in my upper back but I really did enjoy it.
Thursday, May 5, 2011
It seems like it is BABYPALOOZA around me with pregnant people or husbands of pregnant people (I found out 4 guys I work with have wives that are expecting). I am not kidding. I know at least 10 people who are expecting at the moment and one that just had one this past weekend. And with every announcement, I smile (if person is in front of me) but in my head I am screaming. I wonder when this will end for me? I need it to or I am contemplating cutting off all contact with outside world. (yeah right)
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
If you know someone else who is having trouble starting a family, my advice is: BE SENSITIVE. Don't bring it up. If they want to talk about it, they will. I am very open about our struggles when I WANT to be. But when I am caught off guard by a question during normal conversation, I have very little time to decide how to respond. I don't want to be the "bitch" who says "I don't want to talk about it" so most of the time I just start spilling my guts, even if I don't want to. This is something I need to work on and I recognize that. But when I am put on the spot, I don't know how to react except go with the flow. Even if I am completely mortified and upset that I am having to talk about this when I am not ready and prepared. I am willing to talk about it but on my own terms.
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
So I went in there and hung bright pink "It's a Girl" signs, baby rattles and streamers across our conference room (looks like its been hosed down with pepto bismol - anyone get the reference?), the whole time trying to forget what the signs said and stood for. I am a trooper and I got through it though. I was thinking Ishould get a medal or something for this shit then it hit me and I cried.
I haven't let myself cry over this kind of stuff in a really long time. I thought I was getting better at dealing but I guess not. I was sad, jealous, angry, mad at myself for being selfish when I would like to just feel HAPPY for someone who is expecting. It was a lot of emotions going through me and I lost it. But I didnt' let myself get down for too long (there were happy hour drinks to be consumed!).
This morning I am still upset for not standing up for myself and my emotions the day before and right when I walk in to work, I am hit with it again. "Hey this sign fell, can you go hang it back up?" I didn't say a word, I just walked straight to the water cooler. When i get to my office the "It's a Girl" sign is laying on my desk. It took ALL OF ME not to freak out right there and start kicking ass. But I like my job for the most part and kinda need it for money and such, so I got a piece of tape, threw the sign against the wall and shoved the tape on the top corner (I didn't even care that the tape was showing at this point)
Now please note, I am very open in my life about my struggles and the people planning this shindig know everything I have been through. All I can think is that they didn't realize what they were doing was a bit too much. Until I finally told her
The final straw was when an email went out saying that I and another co-worker were to take care of the food set up. I was not asked about this at all and at this point I am way beyond my limit of what I can deal with regarding this shower. So I sent a very nice email back saying that I need to set limits and that I would appreciate it if someone else would take care of the food set up. I will attend the shower but that I cannot do anything else to prepare for it. I am VERY proud of myself for this. So I am sitting pretty tall after that and think that this was the extra oomph to get me through the baby shower.
I went, it seemed awkward at first but then I think some people kinda lightened up. (including myself) We had lunch, cupcakes, cookies, she opened her gifts and I could really tell she was genuinely surprised and excited. Went back to work after and then after a while when I went to potty, I saw it.....
I FUCKIN STARTED MY PERIOD.
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
(Side Note: I realize that if I ever do get pregnant, I can NEVER have a shower after turning down invite after invite and stating it is all about the gifts. So, if the miracle ever does happen, I better win the lotto or go to Ellen's mother day special or my kid would be sleeping in the crate with Max and wearing potato sacks.)
Now back on subject, there is a surprise work shower for a co-worker and it is during business hours at our office so pretty much I am forced to go. I refuse to be the one cold hearted baby hatin' bitch who sits in her office eating her lunch while everyone else is at a shower less than 50 feet from her. So I am doing what I have learned very well to do over the past few years. Suck it up, smile and go to the shower. I will post how it goes on Tuesday. Wish me luck. I will be chanting this like a mantra :"I will not cry, I will not cry. Pass me another piece of cake. "
Friday, March 18, 2011
Thursday, March 17, 2011
Here is the thing that I have decided bothers me the most, I can have a really nice car, travel more than I could if we had a child and sleep in on the weekends, but when we are old and unable to do things ourselves, who is going to be there to take care of us?
Monday, March 7, 2011
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
In the past week, I have found out that three different people I know are pregnant so hoping that is it for a while but I have a sneaking suspicion it isn't and there may be a 4th person popping up soon. Just to reiterate, it isn't that I am not happy for these couples, it is that I am selfish and wish it was me. It isn't that I don't want others to be pregnant, I would just like to be pregnant with them or before them or heck, after them. Beggars can't be choosers and I will take what I can get.
It's one of those things where I feel like everyone is moving on with life and I am still stuck in this infertile limbo stage. A light just went off in my head and I realized Dante should have made this a level of hell!!!! Kinda funny in one way but in another, so not cool.
Friday, January 14, 2011