Minor Setback

Don't you love it when you are coasting on through life, feeling pretty good and something just comes up and knocks the wind out of you? Josh lost his job on Wednesday. We will be ok and be able to pay our bills but THAT IS IT. No movies, no eating out, no paying off credit cards, nada until his unemployment kicks in then we will re-evaluate.

Surprisingly, I am pretty calm. I am not gonna lie, when he first told me I kinda freaked out in my head. That first night was very tense and quiet between us just b/c we were both thinking a LOT about how to make this work. What can be cut out, what is a neccesity right now and what is in limbo. I feel like we have made a short term plan that will work and that really has put my mind at ease for now.

This also puts any type of thoughts of thawing out the final egg on the back burner, which really hurts. Not that we had any plans to thaw it out next month but I had actually been thinking about calling my RE for a consultation appointment. Thinking about that alone is a big step for me. I just need a plan for money and for mental preparations before I dive back in this.

I had a very weird dream the other night where I was explaining my feelings about other people getting pregnant and the emotional toll it takes on those who can't and have been trying and the person in my dream told me I was a "miserable, unhappy person who should just be happy for other people" and it really hurt. Even when I woke up, I was upset that this person in a dream would say that to me and then I got all paranoid thinking "that is what everyone thinks" OMG, I am a horrible person. But then I thought "fuck it" and went back to sleep. If I could change this I would. I can't.

A friend and I often talk about what we would do if we won lotto and I never say it but I would do another round of IVF right away. I don't say it b/c it's a downer in a conversation and I know that. People don't know what to say when I bring up stuff like this, especially those with kids. So I just keep it to myself, which I have been doing a lot lately. Is it good for me? Hell no.

And BTW, if I have to hear that one more person is pregnant on facebook, I may punch my screen or just get off of it all together (and this is not an idle threat - well the part about getting off facebook. I won't punch my screen)

Painters, we are not.

What does one do when she can't get pregnant (besides shop)? A project of course!

I have been watching TONS of HGTV lately and I got this crazy idea that Josh and I could do projects together. I watched all these couples doing all this really cool stuff to their spaces and I wanted to be them. At first, I googled "how to build a deck" so I could have my dream outdoor space, but then realized I had set my sights a little too high for the old man and me. So I took it back a few notches and decided we should start small and paint the office and our bathroom. I was SO EXCITED! In my head, I imagined Josh and I laughing, talking, listening to music, painting while we looked into each other's eyes lovingly, a real bonding experience for us. And when we were done we would have this beautiful room that was painted in love that we could be proud of. I didn't take one thing into account when dreaming up this scenario. Josh and I do not work well together.

A few Sundays ago, we made the journey to Home Depot. I am always so excited to buy stuff there. I turn into a nine year old child who wants to show everyone what they are going to do and get praise for it. I want to scream at all the employees "Look at me! Look at what I am buying! Look! I am doing it all myself!" This visit should have been my clue that our project was not going to be the love fest I thought it was. We fought down one aisle and up the next trying to pick out paint and supplies. I didn't know if I wanted flat or semi gloss. Do we buy paint with primer in it or prime first, then paint? I found the "paint guy" and told him we were first time "do it your selfers" and his response was "I normally don't work in the paint section"
So after arguing some more with Josh and grabbing what I thought were the appropriate painting tools, we paid and got out of there. (Note: It was almost as much as hiring a painter would have cost us but I returned stuff later and got $ back, so I feel better)

One night Laura and I taped the room and the next night, the three amigos were going to tackle this project with primer. I am still delusional thinking this is going to be great and fast and fun. Then the tides turned. The minute Josh and I have to work together we turn on each other. I thought he had too much paint on the roller and when I told him he ignored me then when I repeated it, he said "it's fine. Quit nagging" It was on from there. It is all a haze at this point but there were plenty
shut ups and shhhs between us. We moved onto the bathroom (where the ceiling is painted) and that is when ALL HELL BROKE LOOSE. Some highlights:

I burnt my arm more than once on the lights.
Paint was spraying all over us.
The plastic kept coming undone from wall and sticking to us.
We couldn't get behind the toilet.
Paint got on vanity.
The extender fell and the roller hit Josh on the head and skunked his hair, which upset him and so he threw said roller and it hit the carpet. I screamed. He screamed. We all screamed and cussed. Cussed ALOT.

After 3 hours, we had kinda primed. Laura left (I think to escape World War III which was happening in our bedroom) and Josh and I sat down and argued a little more. After we were both defeated, we agreed to call a painter to finish the job. It wasn't worth our marriage and sanity to complete this project.

That night we laid in bed and laughed hysterically while discussing opening up our own painting business. I swear we may fight like mortal enemies but we always end up laughing until we are in tears in the end. We have been told we should try out for Amazing Race since we work so well together (hey, it would be awesome TV)

I have now decided building a deck is definitely out for us.

So, the thyroid is in your throat.

I thought it was in your stomach! Yeah, I may have been on my way to being an expert in fertility but definitely not in any other medical areas as shown by my ignorance. Should have paid more attention in Biology class.....

Just a lil update on Josh and I and our infertile selves. Still not even thinking about pro-creating or the popsicle egg we have in reserve. We are just living life and trying to have as much fun as possible. As of lately, that has been a challenge as it seems like 2010 is not starting out as easy as we had hoped.

For those of you that don't know, Josh has a thyroid condition that is controlled by medicine. He went for his yearly checkup on Christmas eve and the Dr. felt a mass on his thyroid. Tons of tests and already meeting his 2010 deductable by January 6th later (EEK!), we found out he has 8 to 9 nodules on his thyroid. They are not cancerous yet but one of them is a lil discolored and another one is pushing on Josh's windpipe (which could explain his shortness of breath, heavy breathing and monstruous snoring). The thyroid Dr and the ENT Dr both agreed the best plan of attack is to remove Josh's thyroid. We were both very relieved it wasn't cancer but I am still a little weary of them cutting on him, especially on his throat. Josh will go in surgery on Thursday, February 18th at Centennial Hospital in Frisco. (That is my parents' 34th wedding anniversary. Dad has already offered to take Mom to cafeteria for their anniversary dinner!) The surgery should take 2 to 3 hours then they will keep him overnight to monitor his breathing, then he will come home either Friday or Saturday and rest for the next week and then be good as new and ready to go back to work on Monday, March 1st.

So that is what is going on with us...oh yeah and Sunday our bathroom flooded from a backed up pipe. Yay....2010 (can you smell the sarcasm?)

It has been confirmed. Josh is awesome.

It seems like every appointment, our retrieval date is pushed back and today was no exception to that trend.

After getting blood draws, the Dr looked at my follicles and of course the little buggers just aren't where he would like them to be for the retrieval on Tuesday, so now he is saying now that Wednesday morning is the big day. I have 5 follicles that are good (and a few others that just aren't up to par at the moment but hopefully will play catch up over the next few days). After the sono, I got dressed and Josh could tell I had shut down. When the Dr came back with as many samples as he could find for us, Josh asked him what exactly we are looking at. Dr. Le said that basically I have the ovaries of a 40 year old woman and there isn't anything I did or didn't do in my lifetime to cause this. It is genetically pre-determined. But he is definitely still optimistic because I am still young and he did get 5 follicles out of me. Five is better than zero....

He then told us a story about a 23 year old woman who came in and wanted to try IVF. When he did the baseline sono, she only had one follicle. He tried to talk her out of it because IVF is very expensive and that isn't a lot of bang for your buck. The Dr and the 23 year old then made a deal. If she could produce 3 follicles, he would attempt IVF with her. So month after month, she would come in for her baseline sonogram when she started her period and sometimes she would have 1 follicle and other times 2. After a few months, she finally had three follicles and they attempted IVF. She gave birth to her baby last month.

When he said this, the tears just started streaming out of my eyes and there was no stopping them. Dr Le was very sweet and gave me a tissue and said kept giving me positive reinforcement, which I am very grateful for. After the exam, we were in the room for more than 20 minutes talking and he didn't leave until I had pulled myself together and felt better. This speaks volumes to Josh and I.

In that discussion, Dr Le looked at us and told me "You have a very good man here." I smiled at Josh and said "I know. My mom thinks so too." And I do know how great he is but I could see Josh's head swelling from the compliment. When we left, Josh said "Well, it's official. I have a confirmed professional medical opinion that I am awesome" Hahaha Doesn't that sound like something Barney Stinson would say? (If you don't know who Barney Stinson is.....SHAME ON YOU!)

This appointment was the most frustrating and nerve racking yet but I am very happy to say that everything is still on track. These follicles are on their own time line. (I hope this isn't a glance into the future for what our kids will be like. Josh and I are always in a hurry and like to be punctual)