Friday, December 31, 2010
I am not going to lie, I am BEAT DOWN with this infertility crap. I am tired of it consuming my life. Sure, I function on a daily basis, I get up, go to work, clean the house, pay the bills, and eat (too much) but I feel like I want to scream a LOT. My anxiety level over the last few years has SKY ROCKETED. It is the weirdest thing, I will be fine just going on with daily things and then I will get VERY TENSE. Sometimes there are triggers but other times, I can't tell you why I get this way. I just do and have to wait for it to pass.
I was asked the other day when the "old" Kelley will be coming back and it made me incredibly sad because the only answer I could give was "She isn't. this is who I am now" and I HATE it.
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
I think I have been pretty good this year minus a few hiccups here and there but who are we kidding here? No one is perfect. So here is my list:
1. Healthy Baby Girl or Boy (I am not picky) growing in my belly.
2. Iphone 4
(Next step: going to sit on the fat man's lap to tell him in person. Hey, I am covering all my bases, our mail system isn't always reliable.)
Friday, December 3, 2010
Monday, November 8, 2010
But then there are days like today....Where I can't concentrate because of something that was said to me which caused me to spiral down into all my "infertile emotions" again. I desperately want to have a child. But not just for me. I want one for Josh and my parents I think more than I want one for myself. I have been told by both parties they are fine with either outcome so I try to find some peace in that. That I am not letting anyone down but myself and that I can deal with. But then little things slip out and it comes to my attention that they do want me to have a child. My mom does want to be a grandma. For those who don't know my mom, when you look at her you just know she was meant to be a mother and a grandmother. She just has that aura around her. And if you know me at all, you know I HATE to let people down. Especially my parents.
That's it really. Just having a "down" day and felt like I needed to get that off my chest since I still do not have a counselor. Yeah, I figure why pay them when I can just type everything I need to say on here for free? The whole world is my counselor.
Friday, October 8, 2010
I am just now starting to sell Scentsy and was hoping that ya’ll could help give me a jump start. I decided to sell Scentsy to help my husband, Josh, and I realize our dream of being parents and pay for our frozen IVF cycle in the next year. Here is a little background on our infertility struggles:
- Started TTC in September 2007
Got pregnant the old fashioned way in March 2008 and miscarried in May.
TTC for over a year without luck
1 unsuccessful IUI in June 2009
1 successful IVF in October 2009, which also resulted in miscarriage.
Now we just take things one day at a time and pray for a miracle until we have enough money for our frozen cycle.
As you may or may not know, infertility procedures and meds are VERY EXPENSIVE and insurance rarely covers anything so we need some extra cash. I was already SCENTSY CRAZY in my house and car, so thought I would give this a try. This product is amazing. I have had friends, family and strangers (the plumber!) comment about how nice my house smells and all I use is Scentsy.
If you aren't sure what Scentsy is or you are interested in purchasing, selling Scentsy with me or hosting a home or basket party, please let me know or visit my website. You can buy online too! :)
For those of you who don't know, a basket party is there one person signs up to host and then they have 10-14 days where they have catalogs, order forms, and sample scents (in a basket, get it?!) and try to get as many people to order as possible and they still get the host points! :) You still get all the perks of being a host but don't have to clean your house for guests! SCORE!
*The first three people to book either a home or basket party with me will receive a free gift.* (on top of the hostess points)
Note: I am not going to harass you to buy Scentsy (people like that get on my nerves too) Unless you ask for more information, this will be the only email I send to you. But please feel free to forward email onto anyone you think may be interested.
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
I guess I should look into the testing before I even entertain the thought of doing anything with this last little egg. I was happy to know that if we decide not to go through with the last egg, we can donate it to someone else. But then I started thinking how messed up that is. 1. Why would someone want an infertile's egg? and 2. That is OUR egg and you bet your sweet butt the clinic is going to charge whoever they give it to something for it. If we donate it, shouldn't we get a cut of that? I mean it is our egg and sperm. Give it to me, I will pop it in our freezer and check out the street value.
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
The latest post I keep going back to and laugh every time:
Seriously, if you don't laugh at that little girl's face, you have no sense of humor. I am laughing right now just thinking about it.
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
I have been watching TONS of HGTV lately and I got this crazy idea that Josh and I could do projects together. I watched all these couples doing all this really cool stuff to their spaces and I wanted to be them. At first, I googled "how to build a deck" so I could have my dream outdoor space, but then realized I had set my sights a little too high for the old man and me. So I took it back a few notches and decided we should start small and paint the office and our bathroom. I was SO EXCITED! In my head, I imagined Josh and I laughing, talking, listening to music, painting while we looked into each other's eyes lovingly, a real bonding experience for us. And when we were done we would have this beautiful room that was painted in love that we could be proud of. I didn't take one thing into account when dreaming up this scenario. Josh and I do not work well together.
A few Sundays ago, we made the journey to Home Depot. I am always so excited to buy stuff there. I turn into a nine year old child who wants to show everyone what they are going to do and get praise for it. I want to scream at all the employees "Look at me! Look at what I am buying! Look! I am doing it all myself!" This visit should have been my clue that our project was not going to be the love fest I thought it was. We fought down one aisle and up the next trying to pick out paint and supplies. I didn't know if I wanted flat or semi gloss. Do we buy paint with primer in it or prime first, then paint? I found the "paint guy" and told him we were first time "do it your selfers" and his response was "I normally don't work in the paint section"
So after arguing some more with Josh and grabbing what I thought were the appropriate painting tools, we paid and got out of there. (Note: It was almost as much as hiring a painter would have cost us but I returned stuff later and got $ back, so I feel better)
One night Laura and I taped the room and the next night, the three amigos were going to tackle this project with primer. I am still delusional thinking this is going to be great and fast and fun. Then the tides turned. The minute Josh and I have to work together we turn on each other. I thought he had too much paint on the roller and when I told him he ignored me then when I repeated it, he said "it's fine. Quit nagging" It was on from there. It is all a haze at this point but there were plenty
shut ups and shhhs between us. We moved onto the bathroom (where the ceiling is painted) and that is when ALL HELL BROKE LOOSE. Some highlights:
I burnt my arm more than once on the lights.
Paint was spraying all over us.
The plastic kept coming undone from wall and sticking to us.
We couldn't get behind the toilet.
Paint got on vanity.
The extender fell and the roller hit Josh on the head and skunked his hair, which upset him and so he threw said roller and it hit the carpet. I screamed. He screamed. We all screamed and cussed. Cussed ALOT.
After 3 hours, we had kinda primed. Laura left (I think to escape World War III which was happening in our bedroom) and Josh and I sat down and argued a little more. After we were both defeated, we agreed to call a painter to finish the job. It wasn't worth our marriage and sanity to complete this project.
That night we laid in bed and laughed hysterically while discussing opening up our own painting business. I swear we may fight like mortal enemies but we always end up laughing until we are in tears in the end. We have been told we should try out for Amazing Race since we work so well together (hey, it would be awesome TV)
I have now decided building a deck is definitely out for us.
Thursday, August 5, 2010
You know the one thing that gives me some peace in all of this? Reading things like this that tell me I am not a FREAK or alone b/c I am infertile. It is good to know that all these feelings I have don't make me a bad person. I get caught up in a cycle that goes somewhat like this:
1. Paranoid - someone is pregnant, I just know it. Her shirt is loose, she looks bloated, she isn't drinking, etc.
2. Sad - get the news someone is pregnant (and it isn't me)
3. Jealous - Why can this person get something so easy?
4. Angry - Why am I not pregnant?
5. Sad (again) - but this time it is that the person was scared to tell me and that I was ever angry in the first place. (self loathing time)
5. Happy for that person
6. Paranoid (all over again)
Friday, July 16, 2010
YEP. The therapist I see to deal with all my fertility issues is pregnant. Now wait, she is 40 and never thought she would have her own kids. While I am happy that happened for her, I am still trying to digest that the THERAPIST I see for FERTILITY is PREGNANT. She sent me a very nice email and told me that if she had thought this could have ever happened, she would not have taken my case and apologized because a LOT of my sessions were about me handling the news that someone else around me is pregnant. So I cried because that is what I do. But later when Josh and I were in bed talking, I started laughing at the absurdity of it all. I was still upset but I think at that point, I just couldn't cry over anymore BS anymore, so what else is there to do but laugh.
In her email, she said that maybe I could look at her story and see hope for myself and a few other people have told me that too. I am going to just say this because it is true. There is no way I want be to be 40 years old and pregnant. I know it works out great for other people but I do not see that as being a positive for us. When I am 40, Josh will be 46 and a first time dad, no way. At that point, Josh and I would have established a life sans kids not to mention I would be a NERVOUS WRECK every minute of every day thinking I was going to lose the baby, then there's the pesky chromosome thing which I trip out about now for women who are pregnant that aren't even me.
Am I saying it's now or never for us? DAMN RIGHT. No, I am kidding. I know it won't be right now (on top of the news from my therapist, Aunt Flow showed up to for her visit) but I also can't wait 10 years to have a baby. I am ok with meeting somewhere in the middle though and if not, then parenting and I can go our separate ways.
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Before I would even attempt a frozen cycle, I would have tests run that are now covered by my insurance since I have miscarried twice. So it will be a long road ahead of me full of more tears and let downs or one of a new life. I feel like I am on the high dive and trying to decide if I should jump right into the unknown or if I should climb down the stairs to the hard cold ground I am familiar with.
Monday, June 28, 2010
My friend had her son's 1st birthday party this weekend and that morning she called to inform me that two of the chicks that will be there are expecting and one of them is already griping about being pregnant. Yay. I could tell she felt awkward and I hate that people feel that way about telling me something that would otherwise be happy news. I hate that people need to try and warn me if a pregnant woman will be within 20 feet of me, especially when I barely know the knocked up chicks. It makes me wonder sometimes why they tell me beforehand. Do they think if I didn't know and when it came up, I will burst into tears and run out the door screaming or make some kind of big scene, kidnapping babies to call my own on the way out? In reality, I know they don't know what I will do and are just trying to protect me.
Well, it isn't fun or happy, but just so you know, I will cry. Not in front of anyone but Josh. I have become the queen of holding myself together in front of people when fertility is involved. In my head, I will curse but on the outside I will smile and be as normal as I can possibly be. After my good cry, I will pull myself back together and think about the happy side of this, that someone else is pregnant. I will quit being selfish and only thinking of me me me and think about the other person and I am truly happy for them.
My therapist (infertility has driven me to seek professional help) thinks that I need to tell family and friends the best way to share this news with me. The problem is, I don't know that there is any way that would be better than the other so I am still working on that.
Here is my earliest draft:
Dear Friend and Family,
The following are acceptable ways to break the news to me that you are pregnant.
1. Send it in a letter by pigeon.
2. Singing telegram
3. Write it on a $100 bill and give that to me (to keep of course) I will also take anything over $100.
4. When you start to notice I have lost weight then you can tell me in person (only after telling me how good I look)
5. In Morose code
6. Call me when you are in labor
7. Just tell me but then promise me that I will be the kid's favorite person in the whole wide world and follow through after said kid is born
8. While on space mountain at Happiest Place on Earth
9. After I win the lottery
10. After I have my own perfect baby in my arms
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
A Little Background:
This past April my mom found some Collie puppies in the paper and after trying to convince my brother and his wife to get one with no luck, she set her sights on her youngest child (me). I was an easy catch. I mean who doesn't love puppies??? Especially after another miscarriage. I thought that if I got a puppy, I could get over the feeling of not being pregnant or having a baby. We thought Josh would be a hard sale so I sent in the big guns (MY MOM). After a 20 minute phone call she had Josh on board (SHE IS REALLY GOOD).
We got Max and I won't go into detail about his behavior but he is very reminiscent of Marley in "Marley and Me". He is a handful or as my dad likes to put it "he is a joy to be around".
I am the one who wanted the dog and I know that. Maybe that is why I am so stressed over it. And believe me, I am reminded every day by someone that I am the one who wanted the dog. And so I know he is MY responsibility but the only times I am not having to watch him so he doesn't tear up a chair or shit in my floor, is when he is outside. Yes, Josh's idea of watching the dog is watching tv or playing on the computer while the dog follows me around the kitchen while I make dinner. When I gripe, what does he do? He puts him in the backyard. That is not OK with me. I don't think it is right to just stick a dog in a backyard b/c you don't want to watch him/her.
Then I get the people who are dog experts or think they are looking down their noses at me saying "well he is a puppy. what did you expect?" Yes, I am a failure. I am not strong enough to handle a dog. I get it. I lose. Game Over. Next Please.
Everyone tells me how strong I am for what I have gone through the last few years. Well now they will get to say "Man, did you hear Kelley finally lost it? Yeah, the puppy pushed her over the edge and after all her infertility issues"
I will admit it. We weren't ready for a dog. This is all my fault. So here comes all the guilt. I am 30 years old and if I can't handle a puppy, how on earth would I handle a baby or babies? Maybe God knows what He is doing by not allowing me to have a child. I don't think I could mentally take it. Just having this dog is about to push me off the deep end.
Friday, June 18, 2010
All day yesterday I kept thinking about how much I loathe the gym, how hot it is outside, how I have 10,000 other things I need to get done, how I wish I had gotten up early and gone before work and how I should just wait and start Monday. Anything and everything to talk myself out of going.
Then 4:30 came and it was go time. I dragged myself out of the sweet bliss of air conditioning in my office to get into a STEAMING 100+ hot car. I drove to the gym still debating in my head if I should go, my legs sticking to the hot seats (rethinking the decision to get leather seats in a black car in Texas). I am not going to lie, I pulled in and sat in my car thinking "I don't wanna" I was throwing a little girl fit in my head, pouting and all. But the "mature" side of my brain was saying "just go in and do it. You will fill tons better and will actually enjoy it" My immature side of the brain was now sticking its tongue out at the mature side. As in most cases, the mature side won and I went in and did 35 minutes on the elliptical. And just like my mom normally is, the mature side was right. I did enjoy it and I had tons of energy after to go to the store and get other things done around the house.
Monday, June 14, 2010
Today would have been my due date. Normally I am really bad at dates but this date stuck with me because today is also my best friend's 30th birthday. I remember when the nurse told me the due date a sense of excitement came over me. As soon as she left, I turned to Josh and said "that is Steph's birthday. That is a sign from God that everything is going to be OK." I was so happy and could not wait to get through this appointment and call her to tell her the awesome news. But I never got the chance. Less than 5 minutes later that all changed when the Dr came in and couldn't find anything on the sonogram. My heart broke right there in that chair and it stayed broken for a very long time.
Today, 9 months later, my heart has mostly healed and my best friend is 30. Do I wish things had turned out differently? OF COURSE! Am I happy where I am today in my life with Josh, family and friends. I can honestly say "yes". (and this is the first time I have said this in the past 9 months) I am so proud of the person I am. I am stronger than I have ever imagined I could be. What I have been through the last few years has not only showed my strength but has also helped me realize how important it is to surround yourself with loving friends and family that will be there at your best and your worst.
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
It was not meant to be b/c Aunt Flow reared her ugly head in the middle stall today at work. I am not going to kid myself and think "oh maybe it is just implantion bleeding" It isn't and as much as I wish it was, I am a hardened woman when it comes to this stuff now and I know that even if I live in denial for another 24 hours, it will still be there to show me once again this month, I am not going to have Miracle Baby Franklin.
I don't talk about this much outside of this blog b/c I know it makes other people feel uncomfortable as well as myself. But I recently have opened up to one of my best friends about it via email and one thing we talked about is God's place in all of this. I have struggled over the last few years with blame for our situation. Since there has been no one or thing to blame, I turned my blame towards God. Why would he make me go through this when others have it so much easier? At one point, I went even further and thought "why would God let bad things happen to good people or children or babies?" Why can't he stop these things from happening?
After much thought and reading a book that at this time in my life really spoke to me, I came to realize a very different belief of His power. He did create the universe and everything in it but he also gave us as His creation, free will and has no control over the good or bad things that happen to us. But he does promise to be with us every step of the way through life if we let him. Now before you start rolling your eyes and thinking "oh no, Kelley's gone all crazy Christian on us", that is not the case nor am I looking to save your soul or push my beliefs on you. I am just trying like most people who have struggled with their beliefs to find peace in life. Have I found it? No. Am I working on it? Yes, every day I work on myself and my relationship with others and with God. I know He wants me to have a baby as bad as I do and hopefully one day, our miracle baby will arrive but until then I need to try not to doubt his purpose.
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
Since you are all grandma-like and wont' produce as many eggs as you should at the ripe old age of 30, which makes it extremely difficult to birth my own child, I have taken things into my own hands. I went out and got me my own baby. And I think we got the best one! Sure, he is hairy, drools and has peed and pooped on my floor a few times but he is all mine and doesn't require diapers! Oh and he will never talk back....
Meet Maximus Markel Franklin. He was born January 26, 2010 and became a Franklin on April 2nd. He is a full blood blue meryl collie and is going to be HUGE.
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
I still keep up with other infertiles on here and every time I read that IVF or IUI worked for these couples and they are expecting, I cry. These tears are not the same tears I cried many times when someone else got pregnant the old fashioned way (my jealous tears I call them, as harsh as it sounds, it is true). These tears are honestly tears of joy that someone who once felt the way I do and has gone through a similar situation, got their happy ending (or beginning depending on how you look at it). I guess these stories give me hope. I pray every day that God will bless Josh and I with a healthy baby but I also pray for a list of other couples, some of them I know and others are faceless bloggers who have helped and inspired me in different ways.
Most days, I try not to think about it. But there is a day every few weeks where it consumes me again. I let myself have that then the next day I move on. The one thing that has bothered me lately is that I really want to give my parent's grandchildren. My mom is one of those ladies who oogles over babies and goes on and on and I want to give her one she can oogle and hold and love on so badly and so I feel like I am letting her down. Josh's family already has grand kids so I am thankful I don't have the pressure of both families. And this pressure is not at all put on me by my mother or my family, it is my own doing and I recognize that. But nonetheless, it is still there. It is just something I need to learn to deal with and get over.
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Also, I am trying to figure out a way to get this guy at work to quit calling me "Momma" every time he calls in or I see him. I am guessing he has no idea what I have gone through and means it as a term of endearment but everytime he says it, I just feel so defeated and my heart hurts a little b/c I start thinking about how I am not a mother, and more than likely won't be one ever and then my thoughts spiral out of control trying to see the future and maybe someday I will have a child but let's face it, odds are stacked against me with my infertility and lack of money. (One word makes all these emotions well up in me and I want to scream but I just smile on the outside and just answer his questions as if I don't have a care in the world) If I could say what I really wanted to, I would scream at him, "I have had 2 miscarriages, 1 IUI and 1 very expensive IVF attempt that failed. SO I am hardly a mother, so quit calling me that" then I would kick him. hehehe
I guess I just needed to get that out of my system today. I have a therapist appointment in an hour so I am hoping I get my money's worth from that! I really need it.
Oh and the whole I am quitting smoking after NYE has not been 100% successful, which annoys and makes me feel down. I am not full on smoking but I would be lying if I told the blogosphere I haven't had one here and there. Sometimes I hate it and think why did I just smoke then there are other times, I completely enjoy the relief. I need an another awesome relief...and if you say "work out", I will kick you. hehehehe
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Just a lil update on Josh and I and our infertile selves. Still not even thinking about pro-creating or the popsicle egg we have in reserve. We are just living life and trying to have as much fun as possible. As of lately, that has been a challenge as it seems like 2010 is not starting out as easy as we had hoped.
For those of you that don't know, Josh has a thyroid condition that is controlled by medicine. He went for his yearly checkup on Christmas eve and the Dr. felt a mass on his thyroid. Tons of tests and already meeting his 2010 deductable by January 6th later (EEK!), we found out he has 8 to 9 nodules on his thyroid. They are not cancerous yet but one of them is a lil discolored and another one is pushing on Josh's windpipe (which could explain his shortness of breath, heavy breathing and monstruous snoring). The thyroid Dr and the ENT Dr both agreed the best plan of attack is to remove Josh's thyroid. We were both very relieved it wasn't cancer but I am still a little weary of them cutting on him, especially on his throat. Josh will go in surgery on Thursday, February 18th at Centennial Hospital in Frisco. (That is my parents' 34th wedding anniversary. Dad has already offered to take Mom to cafeteria for their anniversary dinner!) The surgery should take 2 to 3 hours then they will keep him overnight to monitor his breathing, then he will come home either Friday or Saturday and rest for the next week and then be good as new and ready to go back to work on Monday, March 1st.
So that is what is going on with us...oh yeah and Sunday our bathroom flooded from a backed up pipe. Yay....2010 (can you smell the sarcasm?)