Monday, December 7, 2009

Am I really getting better at this?

I got some news this evening that once again someone else I know is pregnant. And maybe I am getting better at hearing this news or I am numb to it, or have come to expect that every 4.2 weeks I will inevitably here the words "I am pregnant" and it won't be me saying it. Maybe it is because this time it wasn't someone that I see all that much. Well whatever the reason, I am happy to report that I did not start feeling sick at my stomach, I didn't cry, I didn't get angry, I didn't automatically get in pajamas, turn off light and pull the covers over my head (all things I have done in the past to cope with the news that someone else is pregnant). My response "was oh, how far along is she?" That's cool. After I said it, I was taken aback at my reaction. Baby steps people (no pun intended). Just don't expect to see me throwing baby showers or even attending one soon.

WARNING: This will not always be my reaction in future. Pregnant chicks: Approach with caution.

30th Birthday has come and gone and it was perfect.

I had a GREAT Birthday this year, thanks to Josh and my friends and family. Turning 30 really wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. On Saturday, Megan and I had a 70s roller disco Birthday party at Skateland. I had to share a few pictures with you.

The "other" birthday girl and I at our party.

The guys before we left for the party. Mitch, Kurt (don't ask), LB (Lame Bill) and Josh aka Wooderson.

Foxy Ladies.

Monday, November 30, 2009


So I got tired of reading blogs where everyone is like me. Then I found this:

and now I laugh hysterically. If you have gone through infertility, check this out. You will roll laughing. If you haven't, you probably won't get it and may be offended. But dang, it is all SO true!!!!!

Turning 30

A few years ago if you asked me if I thought turning 30 would bother me, I would have definitely said "no way, it's just a number". So how come on the day before I turn 30, I am dreading my birthday more than Aunt Flow. Maybe because I am used to Aunt Flow showing up monthly and the disappointment she brings with her. Maybe because the fertility doctor told me that my chances of having my own children are dropping drastically every year, maybe because I am no longer young and now the people who work in the malls are referring to me as "ma'am", maybe because now I can't just think "it's OK I am not pregnant, I have time". I guess hitting 30 makes me feel like my time is running out and the door on having children is closing faster and faster every month.
I know when you make a timeline for yourself, you can never expect for it to work out exactly how you planned but it is still a disappointment. I honestly thought by 30, I would be married, have at least one kid and own my own house. Marriage - CHECK, everything else is still on my to-do list. And if you know me at all, you know how I LOVE to mark things off my to-do lists so these two are killing me.
So to add injury to my already foul mood of being an infertile non home owner at 30, I was hit with the news what someone else I know is pregnant unexpectedly. I don't get how all the ladies get pregnant unexpectedly. But I won't even go there.

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

I found this on another blog and had to share

This is a story written by Christine Dallimore at We Are All Mothers. I know it is long but it describes perfectly the feelings and emotions I have had and am still having.

"Imagine yourself dressed up in your finest clothes. You and your sweet husband are attending a dinner together in one of the nicest restaurants in town. You both have planned, waited and saved for this evening. To say the least, you are very excited! You and your husband arrive and the atmosphere is more than you expected. Everyone around you is having a good time. The chandeliers are sparkling, candles are glowing and sweet soft music is playing in the background. To your pleasant surprise you see others there you know. You are seated with them and in your heart you think there just couldn't be anything better!The table is just exquisite. Breathtaking really. The people at your table begin to talk to you in jolly conversation. You glance at the menu and you don't even know where to begin! You look over everything slowly and carefully, especially the dessert menu! All of your life you have been hearing about this restaurant's marvellous and divine desserts. Deep in your heart, you have been looking forward to enjoying dessert the most!Everyone at your table orders their food. For dessert they all order chocolate cake. You think, "Hey that sounds perfect. I'll have chocolate cake too please." The waiter nods in approval and quickly swifts off to put in your order. In the meantime, you are still enjoying the surroundings, the music and the company. You grab your husband's hand and sigh "Yes, life just couldn't get any better."The food comes and everything looks just pleasing. Some of the things you tasted you really love, some of the things you didn't. Either way, you know that dessert is on its way. That thought in and of itself is just exciting! Then you see him, your waiter! Your wonderful, blessed waiter with a silver tray full of plates of chocolate cake! He comes and starts handing out plates to those you know. You look at the cake and to put it simply, it looks just divine. You're even more excited now! The waiter comes to your side and then passes you and your husband. You are shocked and think there must be some mistake. you don't know what to do, but rather than make a fuss you think, "Just wait, I will get my chocolate cake soon too."Those that have their dessert are going on and on about how amazing the taste is. You smile, you are truly happy for them. Deep down you are anxious and their feelings only feed your curiosity and desire. Then you see the waiter again and think, "Ahhh, here he is." You notice that he starts handing out seconds and thirds to those that have already had their piece of cake. Your husband doesn't notice, he's busy chatting with the fellow next to him! Deep down though you get a sick feeling in the pit of your stomach. You know something is wrong, something is very, very wrong.You ask the waiter, "Excuse me please. Where is my chocolate cake that I ordered"? The waiter just replies, "The baker has said that you must wait." He rushes off and not another word is said. Time goes on. You still enjoy the surroundings, the people and the conversations. All the while though, you can't get chocolate cake out of your mind. Time keeps creeping by and soon your husband notices too, "Where is our dessert?" You hold his hand and look into his loving eyes and think, "Even without chocolate cake, life is still good."Time, however, creeps and it creeps. At moments it seems like it has even stopped. It's getting late and people are noticing you haven't received your dessert yet. Questions start arising and you just don't know how to respond. You look around other tables and notice that people are also getting their third, fourth and fifth servings of dessert. "Why" is all you have to lean upon.You notice that others have ordered things for dessert besides chocolate cake. There is cherry pie, brownie ice cream sundaes, raspberry cheesecakes and such. They seem just as pleased, if not more pleased with their desserts and you wonder, "Should I order cherry pie too"? You talk to the waiter and he simply says, "I'm sorry ma'am, you just need to be patient and wait."You are starting to burn inside. Despite all of your best efforts you are beginning to boil. You really want to jump on top of the table and stomp while shouting, "Where is my chocolate cake?" You don't though because you know that will get you no where! Instead you look around and notice that there are some that are refusing their chocolate cake. "It will make me fat" one says. "Ugh. I have enough already" another states. One woman, simply dumps her beautiful chocolate cake onto the floor.As you look deeper around you, you notice there are a few others that are waiting too. Your heart goes out to them. You smile and wish there was something more you could do. You know their pain and it hurts. It really hurts.Finally, the waiter comes and he has chocolate cake on that familiar beautiful silver platter...and he has enough for two. One for your husband and one for you! Your so elated with joy that you can't hardly stand it!!! You tell everyone at your table and they are just as happy for you. "We knew it would happen" they say. "You just needed to relax"! Little did they know that deep inside relaxing was the last thing you were feeling! You look at your husband. Tears are in both of your eyes. You carefully take a taste. It's such sweet, sweet perfection. You go to take another and just before you do the waiter comes and gently takes your plates away. "Something is wrong" he says. "Don't worry my dear, the time is soon."There's confusion. Sadness. Anger. Above all though, you are just deeply and truly heartbroken. Heartbroken to the very core. You don't know what to do. You turn to others for support. They cry with you and too ask why. You take a deep breath and find the strength to go on. You have been given the promise that you will receive dessert. It is just not understood as to when. You decide to put your full trust in the baker. You reach far inside within yourself and find the effort to ask your husband to dance.He looks at you and smiles..."Yes, I would love to dance with you my dear one." You both get up, leave the table and set off to dance.As you are dancing, you get your bearings. You again begin to notice your surroundings. The beautiful surroundings that have so magically grabbed your attention in the first place. You remember the music, the sounds, the smell of the sweet flowers. You breath. That's all you can do. You breath and slowly begin to enjoy the moment again. Slowly, it all comes back to you. The things you love. Being with the person you love the most. The pains you have just felt are still there. Still vulnerable, but you feel life again. Yes, life is still good.After quite a few dances, you both decide it's time to sit at your table. People still have their desserts and their chocolate cakes. Your space is still empty. You decide, however, to really focus on those around you. In doing so you find more joy. The desire for dessert is still there- but it's manageable. Time moves on.Then suddenly, out of nowhere, your waiter appears. He has the biggest smile on his face. He is pleased to announce that you and your husband's dessert is finally here!! Your heart wells up with joy, but you're afraid too. You ask the waiter, "Will you take it away"? "No, this one was made especially for you." You smile back, hardly believing that this could be true or real. You look at it and it's not a dessert you have ever seen before. It's then that you realize that the baker has made a dessert with all of your favorite colors and flavors. Careful detail was lovingly taken into every consideration. "How did He know that this is exactly what I wanted"? The waiter just smiles and says, "Because he knows and loves you." If you look, you can see him there. You look and at the door, through the little round window you see a gentle man with tears in his eyes. He is grinning from ear to ear and looking at you and your husband. You can't hardly see anymore because of all of the happy tears. You whisper a big "Thank You" and in your heart you feel that this simple phrase will never be enough.You look at the people around you, they too have tears in their eyes. They too are smiling from ear to ear. Everything is so precious and tender now- even more so than when you first arrived here. It's then that you learn that the pains you have felt all along the way. The waiting, the crying, the agony. It's all been a special recipe to make this moment this much more wonderful and sacred.In your soul you take a deep breath and slowly let out a big sigh of gratitude.You grab your husband's hand and sigh again, "Yes, life just couldn't get any better."

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

While working, this song played and it really hit me hard today.

Life Ain't Always Beautiful

Life ain't always beautiful
Sometimes it's just plain hard
Life can knock you down, it can break your heart
Life ain't always beautiful
You think you're on your way
And it's just a dead end road at the end of the day
But the struggle makes you stronger
And the changes make you wise
And happiness has it's own way of takin' it sweet time
No,life aint always beautiful
Tears will fall sometimes
Life aint always beautiful
But it's a beautiful ride
Life aint always beautiful
Some days I miss your smile
I get tired of walkin' all these lonely miles
And I wish for just one minuteI could see your pretty face
Guess I can dream, but life dont work that way
But the struggles makes me stronger
And the changes make me wise
And happiness has it's own way of takin' its sweet time
No, life aint always beautiful
But I know I'll be fine
Hey, life aint always beautiful
But its a beautiful ride
What a beautiful ride

In hindsight, I should have waited to post the last blog.

I apologize for the last blog. I wrote it right after we got home from the Dr office and I wish now I would have waited at least a day. While I cannot help but worry how this will affect myself and my marriage, Josh and I are fine. I know I am lucky to have him. People search their entire lives to have what we have and most will never find it. I try to remember how lucky I am to just have him when I get upset about our current situation.

Friday, October 23, 2009

It's Over.

I went to Dr this morning, no baby, no heartbeat, nothing. I had blood drawn to check and see if it is ectopic pregnancy and knowing my luck, it probably is. I cannot tell you effin' angry I am right now. I can't look at Josh without getting hysterical. I do not want to see or talk to anyone (especially if they are pregnant). I know it sounds mean and unfair to say, but it's the truth and how I feel and I think it is ok at this point for me to express that. I am so worried that this is the beginning of the end for Josh and I. Because, let's face it. I am going to be different. We are now 10k in debt and all i have for it are bruises where the effin shots went in. I am not going to be the same person I was before this and it pains me to know I will change for the worst. If you know a good therapist, send me their information. I feel like I am on the verge of just losing my mind and all the things that made me Kelley all my life are slowly going to drift away.

Thanks for all your prayers and thoughts during this time even if they didn't work. Please respect Josh and my privacy through this matter. I know normally I live my life as an open book but with this, I need to be left alone.

Thursday, October 8, 2009

As of today, the shot count is up to 54.

But not all of those were in my belly!! But they are still going and might be going through my first trimester....Not sure.

I got my third and final results on Monday and the nurse said she had some good news. My numbers went from 55 to 153 then started talking about continuing on the meds and for me to come in for sono in a few weeks then I stopped her and asked "Am I really pregnant?" She stopped and said "Yes. Congratulations, you are pregnant". My heart started to flutter and I couldn't believe it. The things I had been wanting since my miscarriage finally came true and at that moment, I felt a sense of relief. Until she told me I have to continue with the injections until my first sonogram on October 23rd then we will discuss. I know it could be just for the first 11 weeks but I am so sick of needles I could scream. But I will keep taking them every night for my baby.....Man this kid better rock after everything we have gone through, all the shots and pills and patches and sonograms, and....I could go on and on.

I had one pregnancy test left and I can't tell you how hard it was not to take it the weekend before we found out for sure I was pregnant. But I am so glad I did because I got awesome pictures like this one.

I can't wait to show these posts to our child so he/she will know what all we went through to get him or her here and show them how much we loved him/her before he/she was even conceived. I know the IVF journey is coming to a close but I cannot wait for the pregnancy journey to get going. Oh the things I will blog about now. I no longer know the definition of TMI.

Please keep up prayers for us and our little miracle.

Saturday, October 3, 2009

I have officially been taken off bed rest.

This morning was my second blood test to check and make sure my HCG levels are rising/doubling. I went and let them stick me for blood for what I hoped would be the last time and then went on my way home for more couch laying.

The nurse called me around noon to let me know that my levels had jumped from 19 to 55 in 48 hours! I said "that is good, right?"and she said "Yes, but Dr. Le would like you to come back in for one more blood test on Monday since the number is so low". So my next and hopefully last blood test will be on Monday at 11. I then inquired about being taken off bed rest before I go insane and she asked the Dr and he said it was fine to go back to work and do light activities. YAY! I am spotting on and off over yesterday and today but that does not freak me out as much as the bleeding this past week did. It does annoy me because right when I think I am done spotting, it shows up again. But this looks like old blood (brown) so that isn't necessarily a bad thing.

I have been reading everything I can find on HCG levels and almost everything I have read says that it isn't what the individual numbers are, but that they double that matters. One possible explanation for my number being so low is that the little embryo didn't implant until later than anticipated so my levels are just now starting to get where they should be. Who knows. I could drive myself crazy reading the different scenarios that could play out for us. So my stance on all of this right now is "cautiously optimistic". Please continue prayers/thoughts that my number keeps rising/doubling as it should.

Friday, October 2, 2009

Day 5 of bed rest - CUCKOO CUCKOO!

I am going crazy y'all! I get up every morning and move to the couch and there I lay until time to go to the bedroom to go to bed. I get up to go potty and literally that is it. My mom has been here taking care of me. I have tried to get up just to do little things like get my own water or feed the cat but then she fusses at me so off I go back to my couch prison. Oh and the best part, on the news they keep saying what a nice day it is and to get out there and enjoy it. Rub it in a little more Finfrock! :)
Well I had my blood test yesterday and the nurse called around 4 to tell me the results came back at a 19.

I then asked "OK so what does that mean?"

She said "Anything over a 5 if positive (my heart started to flutter as I got so excited, but then the floor fell out from under me with her next sentence). But we should expect you to at least be at 100 in this stage so you will have to come back on Saturday for another blood test to see if your HCG levels are doubling like they should be"


I asked her what this could be. She said it could be a chemical pregnancy, it could be I miscarried one, it could be that the embryos didn't implant until later, or some left over HCG in my blood stream from my release shot.....

I have an appointment at 9 tomorrow to get blood drawn and then they tell me we should know for sure tomorrow what is going on. (I hope so!)

The bleeding seems to have stopped and I am now only spotting very little when I go potty. So who knows if that was something weird my body is doing or my period. It didn't really seem like a normal period but I have been all jacked up on hormones for so long, my body probably wouldn't have a normal period.

I have been on fertility forums and websites (what else do I have to do?) and I have read about women who had a very low baseline number but then went on to have normal pregnancies. I have also read about women who bled and thought they got their period but then 9 months later gave birth to a healthy baby. So there is just NO TELLING. All I can do is wait and give it up to God. (Which I should have done a week ago but I have a hard time letting go of things, even when I have no control over them)

Thursday, October 1, 2009

Nervous Feeling

Well, the day is finally here. TEST DAY. I cannot tell you all the feelings and emotions that are going through me right now. I guess the biggest one is fear. Fear of the test being negative and this not working, fear of letting myself down, fear of letting all of you down who have been thinking and praying for us, fear of letting my mom and dad down, but mostly fear of letting Josh down. He keeps telling me everything will be OK either way but the thought of me not being pregnant and seeing his disappointment will kill me. I love him so much and so want to give him a child and I feel like a complete let down if I can't do that.

I know, I know think positive. Everyone I have talked to has told me that and I want you to know how incredibly hard that is. While I want to be positive, I also want to prepare myself for the worst. Also, I don't feel pregnant. I would think if a foreign entity was growing in my body, I would have some idea or feeling. The only feelings I have lately are nervousness, which has caused me to have stomach issues.

I am still bleeding. Sometimes it is lighter than others but for the most part, pretty regular. It hasn't been really heavy since Monday so I am guessing that may be a good thing. I haven't had cramps since Tuesday evening, now I just need to quit bleeding.

Today is a turning point and it will come with just one phone call. That call will either devastate or elate me. I am trying to prepare myself for either outcome but I am really ready for all of this to be over so I can move on with my life either way.

Monday, September 28, 2009

Blogging from Bed

I wish I could tell you everything is going great, no cramps, no blood, no complaints but that just hasn't been the case. I woke up yesterday morning to some mild bleeding (more like dark brown discharge) and no cramping. Of course, I automatically think the worst and go into hysterics. I couldn't see or breathe, I was so upset and there was no consoling me. So Josh called in the big guns, Mom. She came over, calmed me down in a way only my mom can and took me back to her house for a day of Mommy time. As the day went on, the bleeding didn't get worse so I calmed down and just racked it up to a little implantation bleeding.

This morning, I woke up at 5:40 to go potty and there was definite blood on the toilet paper when I wiped. Hysterics, take two. I pretty much cried all morning then called the Dr at 8 right when they opened and told them what is going on. She didn't sound as horrified or concerned as I would have thought and told me she would ask the Dr. and call me back.

So I went to work and kept my phone by my side the entire day. Even when I left my desk, I had it in my hand, waiting for the call. Eventually they called back and recommended I start taking injections to thicken my uterus and if I would like I could come in and the nurse would show me how to draw the thick medicine into the needle and inject me the first time so we know what we are doing. This medicine has to go into a muscle so the needle is bigger, which makes me extremely nervous. But when the nurse injected me today it didn't hurt. Hopefully when Josh does it tomorrow, it won't hurt either. They also told me I need to be on bed rest until my PG test on Thursday then we will go from there. So yes, I am typing this from hour 4 of bed rest and already I am going a little stir crazy. As today went on, the bleeding and cramps got progressively worse and reminded me of either the period from hell or when I miscarried. I am still trying to hold out hope that at least one of the little embryos is still holding on for his/her life but it is getting harder and harder to remain positive.

At this point, they can't tell me if I am miscarrying one or both the embryos or if this is just some weird funky thing my uterus is doing. The cramping was pretty bad this afternoon but tonight it seems much better and I think that has to be a good sign. So now we wait. I am still scheduled to go back in on Thursday for blood work then we will have a better idea of what is happening now.

I also had to tell my work today, which was a very nerve racking thought. I had not told my boss about any of the fertility treatments so I think she was surprised to hear any of this. It's not like I thought my boss would tell me "No, you have to miscarry at work" but I have already used all my vacation/personal time this year and so not really sure how this is going to work. I know, I know.....and I am trying not to worry about it until after all this is over. We did talk about me getting set up to work from home (and bed) and our new IT guy is supposed to come over tomorrow to set me up on my personal laptop. So hopefully that won't be stressful.

So please keep up thoughts and prayers. We need them now more than ever. I know they say God will only give you as much as you can handle. Well, THIS IS IT. I cannot handle anymore. I need positive things only for a while or I will go crazy. (and I am not just talking stir crazy)

Friday, September 25, 2009

How can two teeny tiny embryos make me go crazy?

Well I was all positive Polly at first but the wait is killing me and I can slow see my positivity lowering. Do I feel any different? Kinda, but then I think is it all psychosomatic and maybe I am not really as tired as I think I am or my mind is causing me to feel these cramps that I think are implantation cramps. Then I think "No, keep thinking positive." then back to double guessing myself....and then repeat cycle until I think my head is going to explode.

Yes, it is official. Over the last six weeks I have lost my mind and have reached my limit of things I can take. I am sitting here at work today (feeling like I will never completely catch up from being out 2 days this week for the embryo transfer) and our accountant comes up to tell us she is going to be a grandma. OK, I can deal with that (I already knew anyways. At our company, things travel at light speed). Not what I needed to hear.

People have said "oh but you will appreciate it so much more because of everything you have gone through". I can't say I agree with this. I couldn't tell my friends who got easily pregnant that I appreciate what I have or I love my child more just because I went through heartache to get him/her here. It is a nice thought, but just isn't the case.

I know I can't escape people getting pregnant and I know I can't escape my situation either but at this point, I wish I could just push fast forward to get to my happy ending/beginning.

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Meet the lucky ones.

Here is the picture of the two luckiest embryos in the world! (well in Josh's and my world).

The transfer went great and we found out yesterday that we have one extra that froze beautifully. (I have always wanted to try something that freezes beautifully) For those who don't get it, that is a Steel Magnolias quote! :) Two of the little guys quit growing the day before the transfer but one is better than none as a back up! I really don't think we will even need it. But it is good to have a tiny bit of insurance. I am happy to get the three in the end since Dr. Le was concerned about getting one out in the beginning! I tripled his expectations!

The transfer was bizarre and exciting. I went into this small exam room and was told to do the normal (undress from waist down and put sheet over me) Then the embryologist came in and brought us the picture of the little embryos. Then more waiting! Finally Dr. Le came in and performed a quick trial transfer just to be sure he could get past my cervix easily. Then this other door opened and burst of cold air came flooding into the room. And in walks the embryologist with my little embryos in a catheter (almost in slow motion). Behind her I could see all this crazy science stuff. It looked like a bunch of cryogenic freezers for midgets back there since all the little chambers were so short. Then Dr Le put the embryos into my awaiting belly with a catheter and that was it. He said he really thought this would work, shook both mine and Josh's hands and said Good Luck. I had to lay down for 30 minutes so Josh went and got my mom from waiting room and we hung out in the room until the nurse came to get me with a wheelchair and wheeled my out to the car where I climbed in the back and laid down all the way home.

So now we wait. I go in on Oct 1st and then back on the 3rd to find out if I am pregnant. The next week and a half is going to be the longest of my life but I plan on keeping pretty busy at work and on the weekends so hopefully it will fly by.

This is my favorite time of the year with the cooler weather, the fair and haunted houses, so we will have tons of things to do to keep my mind off of the slowly ticking clock. Please keep up the prayers!

Also, if you could please add my friend, Angela's Papaw into your prayer list and positive thoughts, I would really appreciate it. He just found out that he is not eligible for a lung transplant b/c he has a heart condition which requires a stint and they gave him 6 months to live. We all know the power of prayer works for many things and people so please keep him and his family in your thoughts and prayers.

Thursday, September 17, 2009

8 is enough

The retrieval went awesome yesterday. At my last appointment, they were saying we are hoping for maybe 5 eggs. Well lo and behold, they got 8 out of me yesterday! I guess the other three just got excited and decided to catch up to the bigger ones. They all want to be our babies!!! Dr Le was extremely excited that they got 8 out of me. He pretty much said he was amazed and it was a miracle and told us to keep praying b/c it looks like it is working.

The retrieval was really quick and the part I was most scared about was the anesthesia. Which ended up being my favorite part. (After all, I love to sleep). I can't remember what I dreamt about but I do know that when they woke me up, I told them I dreamt about Edward. I am sure the nurse thought "isn't her husband's name Josh?" What I meant was I dreamt about Twilight and I told her that so she didn't think I was dreaming about some other dude. Hehehe

Mom and Josh went with me and Dr. Le told them it is always good luck when they bring the mother and in this case, it definitely was!

I am back at work today and still have a little cramping when I get up or sit down but for the most part, I feel great and am so excited to have the retrieval behind me.

I just received my first update on the lil guys and out of the 8 they took out, 7 were mature enough to fertilize and 5 of them fertilized. They will definitely put them back in on Monday and I will get my next update on Saturday and can't wait!

I also would like to thank EVERYONE for their thoughts and support. I really have the best friends a person could ask for (tear). Your encourgement, strength, and help through this has made me really feel special. And I know you will give our baby(ies) the same type of treatment, if not more.

Monday, September 14, 2009

TMI Blog

Caution: This blog contains things that may offend or embarrass you if you read. So please do not continue if you don't think you can handle it.

I went into my appointment today with an outline of a speech in my head if the Dr told me we needed to buy more drugs. To summarize, we are out of money. You have sucked me dry of all money and blood for that matter. So what else can we do to continue this process that doesn't concern money?... Luckily, I didn't have to go there with the Dr b/c my retrieval is scheduled for Wednesday at 10 am.

YES! Finally! The Dr said I have 5 follicles that look good. Since there are only 5, they tend to only wait 3 days to put them back in me. So if all goes like planned, they will put the Jrs back in me on Saturday, which will be nice since I have to lay down for the rest of that day and the following day.

During my appointment today, the nurse went over what meds I still need to take. I only have one more injection, which I will take tonight! I am super stoked about that....then I read on the sheet the word "enema". UM EXCUSE ME? Yes, I am to go to the pharmacy and get an At Home Enema kit. I will have to use this kit tomorrow night. DO WHAT?!?! So I am pretty much tripping out about that but one person told me that injecting meds into my stomach is worse than this little enema. Let's hope they are right! Another person said it actually felt nice and you felt all cleaned out after. Well it isnt' after I am concerned about! It is before and during!

So this is it. My next blog will be after the retrieval. So wish me luck and please continue to send positive thoughts our way as well as prayer. I thought I would be scared at this point but I am more scared of the enema and excited about retrieval and honestly just ready to get the show on the road!

Saturday, September 12, 2009

It has been confirmed. Josh is awesome.

It seems like every appointment, our retrieval date is pushed back and today was no exception to that trend.

After getting blood draws, the Dr looked at my follicles and of course the little buggers just aren't where he would like them to be for the retrieval on Tuesday, so now he is saying now that Wednesday morning is the big day. I have 5 follicles that are good (and a few others that just aren't up to par at the moment but hopefully will play catch up over the next few days). After the sono, I got dressed and Josh could tell I had shut down. When the Dr came back with as many samples as he could find for us, Josh asked him what exactly we are looking at. Dr. Le said that basically I have the ovaries of a 40 year old woman and there isn't anything I did or didn't do in my lifetime to cause this. It is genetically pre-determined. But he is definitely still optimistic because I am still young and he did get 5 follicles out of me. Five is better than zero....

He then told us a story about a 23 year old woman who came in and wanted to try IVF. When he did the baseline sono, she only had one follicle. He tried to talk her out of it because IVF is very expensive and that isn't a lot of bang for your buck. The Dr and the 23 year old then made a deal. If she could produce 3 follicles, he would attempt IVF with her. So month after month, she would come in for her baseline sonogram when she started her period and sometimes she would have 1 follicle and other times 2. After a few months, she finally had three follicles and they attempted IVF. She gave birth to her baby last month.

When he said this, the tears just started streaming out of my eyes and there was no stopping them. Dr Le was very sweet and gave me a tissue and said kept giving me positive reinforcement, which I am very grateful for. After the exam, we were in the room for more than 20 minutes talking and he didn't leave until I had pulled myself together and felt better. This speaks volumes to Josh and I.

In that discussion, Dr Le looked at us and told me "You have a very good man here." I smiled at Josh and said "I know. My mom thinks so too." And I do know how great he is but I could see Josh's head swelling from the compliment. When we left, Josh said "Well, it's official. I have a confirmed professional medical opinion that I am awesome" Hahaha Doesn't that sound like something Barney Stinson would say? (If you don't know who Barney Stinson is.....SHAME ON YOU!)

This appointment was the most frustrating and nerve racking yet but I am very happy to say that everything is still on track. These follicles are on their own time line. (I hope this isn't a glance into the future for what our kids will be like. Josh and I are always in a hurry and like to be punctual)

Thursday, September 10, 2009

I feel like I am being drained by a Vampire (and not in the sexy True Blood way)

I had to get more blood drawn today and another sonogram. My right arm is all different colors from the needles! Not to mention the bruises I have on my tummy from the three injections a day I have been getting. I look like Eric Northman had a go at me. (Shout out to all the True Blood Fans!)

But back to my appointment, the Dr came in and looked at my follicles and they are maturing but not that the rate he would like for me to have the retrieval on Saturday. So, he ordered me to get more meds (which in turn means, more $$) and then my retrieval now is tentatively scheduled for Monday or Tuesday but more than likely Tuesday. This isn't necessarily bad news but it really hit me the wrong way once I got out of the office. It makes me feel like even on meds my body isn't working properly. My eggs should be matured and ready to go by now and since they are a little behind, it makes me feel bad or like I need to do more to get them to grow, which I know I can't. I just feel helpless.

But enough pity party for me today. I am not a very patient person. (I am sure some of you are thinking "the hell you say...") but yes, it is true, patience is a virtue I have lacked most of my life. I have to think this is God's way of teaching me patience and strength.

I have another appointment on Saturday to check my follicles and I am sure, more blood drawn. I will update you as soon as we find out when the retrieval will be.

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

I Love Saturday! (remember that Erasure song?)

Just got back to work from my appointment and they took my blood again and did another sonogram. All of my little baby follicles are growing so well and right on track. I am to continue taking the injections and I go back on Thursday for more blood work and another sonogram, then it looks like Saturday is the retrieval day. I am super stoked about this since I won't have to take that day off work. Dr. Le said I will do in very early (around 7 or 7:30) and the procedure only takes about 20 minutes. I will be under anesthesia but after I come out, I will be able to walk out of the office. Not even a wheelchair.

Four things I would like to tell you:

1. I have not been a bitch on the meds. (at least I do not think I have, you may need to ask Josh) I am completely surprised by this. There have been a few instances when I have gotten aggravated but when that has happened I get my book, go in the bedroom and read until it passes. Or there was one issue with water pressure but it passed relatively quickly. This is not near as bad as Clomid which made me yell at my husband for bringing the wrong soda home.

2. I am utterly sick of needles and injections. I have been getting injections in my belly from Nurse Laura and Dr. Josh for a while now but it does not make it any easier. Every time they are about to inject me, I start to breathe like I would imagine I would in Lamaze class and close my eyes tight.

3. I am very grateful to have Josh and Laura to give me the injections. They are both doing a GREAT job though and I can't thank them enough because God knows, I would not be able to do it on my own.

4. I am really excited and happy about how everything is going. I am not a nervous wreck like I was with IUI and when we first started IVF. I can't foresee the future, I can't tell you I will have a baby this time next year. But I can tell you that I have a really good feeling about this, that I am happy to have Josh by my side, I am happy to have my friends and family, and I am happy to be me and know that I am doing all I can in my power to make this happen.

Monday, September 7, 2009

This is not just a blind date

Things are progressing right along. We went in for a check-up on Saturday and they took my blood and did a sonogram to check on our little follicles. Everything is progressing nicely and he said that as long as they can get the follicle out of me, I should be pregnant! Yay! He told me to continue with the injections twice a day and starting Monday night, I need to take a second injection, Ganirilex, at night to keep me from ovulating early. After we were done, we went into the Patient Education room to sign all the release forms. We are doing a process called ICSI and while talking to the nurse she explained it in a pretty funny and relatable way. She said "we aren't just sending them out on a blind date. We are gonna make sure they meet and like each other beforehand."

My next appointment is Tuesday and then for sure I will know when my retrieval will be. It is looking like it will be this Friday or maybe even Saturday. Of course I am hoping for Saturday that way I don't have to miss work.

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Allow me to introduce you to ALL the meds

And this is not even all of them. I have seven more injections in my fridge. It may not look like much in this picture but in person, there are a LOT of them! I have made little injection bags with everything I will need to mix and inject twice a day through Saturday. I figured it was best to be organized so I don't get confused and inject myself with so much meds at once, my ovaries burst. Or maybe Josh is wearing off on me with OCD......

I shot myself in the belly!!! All by myself....where's my lolly?

Today was my baseline sonogram. (this is just to make sure I don't have any cysts on my ovaries and nope, there were none to report) The doctor did say that my left ovary is the one that is sad and tired. So come on righty!!! Mama needs a baby!! The doctor was very optimistic that as long as we can get the embryo out of me I will be pregnant! SO yay!!

I have an appointment on Saturday morning for another sono to check my ovaries then my egg retrieval should be either next Thursday or Friday. I will find out for sure on Saturday so will post because we will be needing extra positive thoughts and prayers that day.

On a side note, while at the office, they told me that they wanted me to take my first injection in the next few hours (good thing we live close!), then take the second one this evening. Right when he said this, my head starting I don't have anyone to give it to me. I will have to buck it up and give it to myself. I automatically got a pen and paper out of my purse and asked the nurse to show me how to mix the meds again. I explained my husband and my roommate have been giving my shots and this will be the first time I mix and give to myself. So she went over mixing again and I vigorously took down notes. I felt pretty good about it when I left but as I was driving home, my anxiety went through the roof. I called my neighbor whose husband is a nurse both on their home phone and her cell phone (TWICE!). No answer. I then called a co-worker who knows what is going on and this is how that converation went:

Co-worker: Hello?
Me: Hey, it's Kelley. I have a huge favor to ask and you can tell me no if you are not comfortable, but I need you to shoot me in the belly.
Co-worker: (silence, then laughter)
Me: Please, I just can't shoot myself. I have been trying to psych myself up to do it but I just don't think I can.
Co-worker: Sure, bring it up here and i will do it.....

So I get home and mix the meds together in the syringe and think I am doing pretty well. Just call me Nurse Kelley!! Then I threw away the lid to the syringe.... Now it was either drive to work holding an open needle in my hand or suck it up and shoot myself. I laid down on the couch and tried. No luck. So then I paced around my house for about 10 minutes. Laid on my bed, couldn't do it. Paced around the house a little more, screamed a little then went and looked in the mirror in our bedroom and just did it. No, it didn't hurt and I knew it wouldn't hurt before but it is just the thought of me shooting myself in the belly that gives me the heebie geebies. But I got over that and now I am sitting pretty proud.

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Angry Blog

Josh and I went in yesterday for what the doctor and his staff refer to as "Patient Education". The nurse went over meds and then showed us how to mix the meds and shoot me. (OUCH) This was all very overwhelming and I was in tears at one point. The nurse asked if we already had certain meds to start the next day. No one had told us anything about meds except to come in for this patient education. Then she asked us if we had filled out forms. Um no, we haven't been given any forms. I was glad Josh was with me because he took the bull by the horns and asked to talk to the Doctor. I was just sitting there, big old tears starting to form from my frustration.

The Doctor comes in and was a little brusque with us, which upset me even more. When we started asking questions, he said "we went over all of this in the consultation". If I wasn't so upset, I would have said something along the lines of "you never told me to order this first round of meds in the consultaion. You never told us about these release forms and the IVF folder we should have received but you sure took the check last week from us" But I didn't say anything. I just sat there fighting back tears. Josh told me later, "we are spending a lot of money for this, so anytime I have a questions, I expect it to be answered". Honestly, I am completely turned off by this particular Doctor and now prefer this partner perform the procedure. This guy did inform me (with his excellent bedside manner) that this is a very aggressive protocol and in his own words "this is it". Really? THANKS ASSHOLE.

So the Doctor leaves to go wipe his butt with our money no doubt and the nurse continues the training and she sends off the order form for all the meds. This all could have done when I was there last Monday for my trial transfer and then we could have ordered meds then and I would already have them to start today (yes I take my first injection tonight when I get home). But since they waited until the last minute, I had to drive all the way to Euless last night to get medication from the only pharmacy around that carries it. OH! It gets better. I paid $50 more for each injection than I would if I could have ordered them a week ago. And I had to get 4 injections so they made us spend $200 more than we needed to because they dont' have all their ducks in a row.

I may come across as angry and I don't mean to but I am not at all happy with my experience with these people so far. I am spending a LOT of money with them and I do not feel like I am getting quality service from the physicians at all. They act like we should know what to do. HOW WOULD WE? We have never done this before. I have no problems at all with the office staff. They have been extremely nice and helpful. But I have an issue with a physician who acts like I am annoying him when I ask a question.

And the worst part is that because of this stress, Josh and I had a fight. I don't want this to cause problems between us but it has and it probably will again before it is all said and done. We are both BEYOND frustrated with this whole stinkin' process. We just need to stick together, which we will but I swear IVF is the most frustrating and horrible process I have ever gone through....and I haven't even taken the first shot yet. God Help Us All.

Thursday, August 20, 2009

Timeline we received from Dr in consultation

I am sorry it has taken me so long to get the timelines with drawings posted. But here they are for your viewing and informational pleasure. (if you click on timelines, you can see bigger version)

Timeline #1 process from beginning to end:

Drawing #2 Actual IVF procedure (with drawings):

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Beware: Exam Room 16

Yesterday was my trial transfer. Originally I had this appointment set up as a lunch appointment at the Arlington office but after talking with a friend who has gone through IVF about her trial transfer experience, I freaked out and changed it to a late afternoon appointment at the Irving office. I even asked a friend to come with me in case I couldn't drive home, which was not neccesary at all but better to be prepared for anything just in case!

I arrived at the office about ten mintutes early and went back to exam room 16. Note to self: if they ever try to put me in that room again, demand a different one! I was already hot and had the red splotches on my chest because I was nervous but the minute I walked into this room I thought I was going to die! It was so hot! I looked at the nurse and she seemed to be ok so I thought maybe I was just hot because I was so nervous. Once she left, I stripped my bottoms off like I was in a race and first prize was an easy pregnancy and healthy baby. I have never been so happy to get undressed at a Doctor's office in my life. I even thought to myself "I am so hot, I wish I could take off my shirt too" hahahaha. (I left the shirt on, didn't want to make it awkward for the Doctor)

The walls in the office are very thin I gather because I could hear the Doctor in the room next to me. (see previous blog about my obsession to listen to everything outside my exam room) This time I could hear a lot more and the couple in the room next to me is having twins and on their first IVF attempt! So that made me feel good. At this point, I am sweating and looking around for an air vent to stand under. No such luck. So I wait, bottomless with a paper sheet over me, sweating, sticking to the paper under me and about to be examined. GREAT.

Finally the Doctor comes in and the minute he steps in the room he states "It's a lil warm in here huh?" I responded "Oh, I thought it was just me" Why did I say this? I don't know. I knew dang well that the room was steaming hot but I had to play it cool. He then states "Oh this is the hottest room in the clinic" My automatic response was "Can we change rooms?" I was THAT hot. I would rather get dressed again, go into another room to get undressed to be examined than be torturedin this hot room one more minute. But he said it would be really quick and it was. (I think he was hot too)

The trial transfer is just to make sure he can get past my cervix without any problems and is very similiar to a sonogram and the IUI I had combined. Even when he said "you may cramp a little", I didn't feel anything. He put a drop of water in my uterus then did a sonogram to make sure he could see the water and then he checked out my ovaries. Done and Done. I was very happy I didn't have to have my uterus filled up with water since I had recently had the dye test. The whole way to the appointment I just kept wondering "how will the water get out? Will I need a pad or a diaper" but I never got the chance to ask, which I am definitely not complaining about.

I go back next Monday, the 24th at noon to go over meds. This time I am going to the Arlington office and I will request the chilliest room they have. I am not shy. Mama likes it cold!

Monday, August 10, 2009

Trial Transfer

The 17th is not just a egg check appointment like I originally thought. This will be the trial transfer. I have to be at the Irving office at 3:00 for the quick little prodecure. Just wanted to let you all know. I will let you know how that appointment goes! :)

Monday, August 3, 2009

Aunt Flow has arrived. (and right on time)

We have been hoping and praying that Aunt Flow wouldn't show up this month and that I would have the pleasure of calling the fertility Doctor and tell him "thanks but no thanks. Infertile are we no more!" But Aunt Flow tends to be a pretty punctual visitor and like many months before, she showed up on time.

Thus begins our "IVF adventure". I had my first real appointment with Dr. Le today. One thing I do not like about going to this Doctor is stripping down and sitting in that chair contraption for what seems like an infinite amount of time waiting for the doctor. I am so paranoid that I can't help but listen to what is being said outside and if I can't hear, I tend to make up my own conversations.

Here is an example of the ridiculous things I think up while waiting for the doctor:

Dr Le looking at my chart: "Man, this ones never going to conceive. Good luck with those sad looking eggs. She may as well give it up and get a dog or adopt" Then he and the nurse laugh at my sad pathetic chart and he knocks on the door to come meet me with an ear to ear grin.

Yeah, I know. Ludicrous thoughts run through my head. I am a complete spaz and am trying to either fix that or embrace it and laugh at it.

After I got over the anxiety, it was pretty simple. I went in and they did a sonogram and I only have 6 eggs this month. :( A woman my age typically has between 15 and 20 so I am low low low low low low low. So since I don't release that many eggs, I will not be taking birth control like other IVF'ers do.

Dr. Le said he has read some studies that show that the monthly selection of the eggs could come even earlier than the first day of your cycle. (even a week before) Since the body then naturally trims down the selection to just one egg at the end of your cycle (the healthiest and best egg ever!), he thinks maybe my selection is happening earlier so I may have had 12 eggs but they have already been trimmed down to 6 eggs by the time of my first sonogram. He is going to give me medicine to suppress the hormone that will make the selection early so that next cycle (the IVF cycle) there will be more eggs to choose from.

I go back on the 17th of August for another sonogram to see how many of my sad, lonely 6 eggs are still there and healthy. Then, we start talking injections! OUCH! Dr. Le is betting on my age, the fact I have gotten pregnant before (even though I miscarried) and that even though I don't have a lot of eggs, the quality should still be good.

I bet people have told you this before. It is "QUALITY" not "QUANTITY" that matters and that is SO true for us right now! :)

We truly appreciate all the thoughts and prayers you guys have been sending our way. Please keep them coming. (thanks Baleigh!)

Friday, July 17, 2009

Let's Get Ready to RUMBLE!!

Ladies & Gentlemen, in this corner, we have Kelley "Grandma Eggs" Franklin and in the far Corner we have I.....V....FFFFFFF.......Let's get it on!!!!!

So we had our first IVF appointment today with Dr. Haas in Arlington and I would say it went well to pretty well. I can't tell you how awkward it is when your doctor draws what he is explaining to you. During our consultation, he drew a cup (when he was talking about Josh's "specimen"), he drew sperm and then he drew my eggs. Yes, we did keep his artwork because he gave it to us b/c it actually does list the stages we will go through over 6 weeks. But more than anything it is just funny to look at.

Yes you read that right, this process takes 6 weeks!!!! I had no idea it would take that long when we started looking into all this. I thought I would go in, pay him my gajillion dollars and then everything would take place within a week! Not so much.....

On my first day of menses (you like these technical terms I have learned?), I will start a month of blood work and sonograms. He said it is very similar to when I went through IUI. I have the hcg shot to release my eggs, trial transfer, yadda yadda yadda.

Then comes the day Josh is dreading more than anything else on the earth, I start injections on the next cycle. He did say we will be starting out with a pretty aggressive treatment to stimulate my follicles and I will more than likely experience the mood swings I had with Clomid. So please pray for us (especially Josh). If I snap at you, please remember, it isn't really me, it is the hormones. And more often than not, when I am on the hormones and I snap, I will feel bad after and automatically start crying.

Oh and it gets better, not just a few injections, not just one a day, I will have to give myself injections in my tummy TWICE a DAY!!!! AAHHH!! But I will go to a class with a nurse that tells me how to do it. I am not sure what he means by class. Probably just I go in and the nurse is like "here's how you do it". I am thinking about breaking down and having Josh give me the shots because I don't think I can shoot myself in the tummy even once, let alone twice a day for 2 weeks!! So during these two weeks, you will probably want to avoid me like the plague. If these meds are anything like Clomid, I will be a raging "B" by day 3. Then they will go in and put me under and get all my lovely eggs that the horrible mean medicine will help my body make. Come on big number!!!! They will then take Josh's lil duders and actually insert them into the eggs (this is called ICSI, which is more extensive than just IVF) Hopefully at least 2 of my eggs will mature and his duders will do their thing and grow big and strong so they can put them back in my belly. (I keep picturing Fat Bastard saying "Get in my belly!!" when I think about this part, hehehehehe) and then we wait 12 days and go back for blood work. If the blood work comes back pregnant, then I will go back in at least once more for a sonogram to ensure there is a heartbeat. Then if everything works out, they will release me to go to my OBGYN.

Whew, that was a lot. I am sure I am leaving tons out. I wish I had his drawings with me to spark my memory...but this is pretty much what is going to happen.....Maybe I will scan his time table and drawings in on Monday so you guys can see it too.

Friday, July 10, 2009

Step 1 - admitting you have a problem.

Well I broke down and created this blog as an outlet for me to share my experiences with friends and family in one place but I also created this blog, so I would have somewhere to vent...not neccesarily to anyone but just to get things out.

A little background: Josh and I started trying to conceive in the Fall of 2007. In March of 2008, we got a positive pregnancy test and we were ecstatic that is happened for us relatively quickly. I went in for my first appointment when I was 8 weeks along and there was no heart beat. Over that next week, I had to get blood taken to test my levels and then return for another sonogram. We went in a week later and still no heartbeat. My doctor told me that I will eventually miscarry and I did so in May. After a few months, we began trying again and have had no luck in the past year and a half.

A few months ago, I went to see a fertility specialist and they did the first IUI in May, which did not work. We tried a second time in June but because of unforseen circumstances, we were unable to go through with the IUI in June.

The doctor feels in our cisrcumstance, IVF is going to have the best odds so we have our consultation on Friday July 17th to work out a game plan and get started with the process around the first of August.

I have so many emotions running through me it is overwhelming. I am more than anything scared but I also feel nervous, excited, happy, I could go on and on. I will update this as often as possible with where we are in the process. Let's hope and pray that in about a year, I will have a post that says "He or She is here!" and this journey will be one I can look back on with joy.