Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Kinda having an off day today

I normally get through my day to day routines without being sad about not having a family after 4 years or trying but for some reason today is a hard one. I don't know how to explain it other than it feels like I have been holding my breath for a really long time and I am unable to exhale.

The most frustrating part is that I am in this limbo stage. No treatments going on and none planned. No talk of treatments or adoption. I guess I feel like I am wasting time. I know this is a "mental break" that my husband and I both agreed on but I just feel like I should be doing something.

And what's more frustrating is when I read the blogs of women who have suceeded and gotten pregnant, I get more sad. Shouldn't I be happy? Shouldn't their stories be ones of inspiration for me? But instead, I sit here crying while I read them, wishing it was me.

I am just ready to exhale and put all this behind me.

Friday, January 6, 2012

Death and Infertility

So in my day to day life, I like to think that I appear normal. Even when my mind is screaming, I try to splash on a smile and walk on. This past week has been no different. My husband's stepfather passed away. We knew it was coming, but you can never prepare yourself enough. My Brother-in-law gave the eulogy and I was amazed by his strength. If I were in his shoes, I would be a blubbering mess that no one could understand. One thing he said (and I am paraphrasing) is that his father would never see his grandchildren attain certain goals (ie: graduation, marriage, college). All I could then think is that "he will never see our kids" and it made me even more sad than I was before (which was pretty sad!). My husband's step dad had a pretty big impact on his life and just knowing he will never have the chance to meet any child we have (either through adoption or a miracle of God) is heart breaking for me so I can only imagine how my husband feels.

Then I got angry with myself and my mind started to wander "Why couldn't everything just work out and he could have seen and spent some time with our child? Why am I even thinking about this in the middle of a funeral? Why does life have to be so hard sometimes? Why does that woman wear so much makeup?" No lie, these exact thoughts in that order went through my head.