Kinda having an off day today

I normally get through my day to day routines without being sad about not having a family after 4 years or trying but for some reason today is a hard one. I don't know how to explain it other than it feels like I have been holding my breath for a really long time and I am unable to exhale.

The most frustrating part is that I am in this limbo stage. No treatments going on and none planned. No talk of treatments or adoption. I guess I feel like I am wasting time. I know this is a "mental break" that my husband and I both agreed on but I just feel like I should be doing something.

And what's more frustrating is when I read the blogs of women who have suceeded and gotten pregnant, I get more sad. Shouldn't I be happy? Shouldn't their stories be ones of inspiration for me? But instead, I sit here crying while I read them, wishing it was me.

I am just ready to exhale and put all this behind me.

Death and Infertility

So in my day to day life, I like to think that I appear normal. Even when my mind is screaming, I try to splash on a smile and walk on. This past week has been no different. My husband's stepfather passed away. We knew it was coming, but you can never prepare yourself enough. My Brother-in-law gave the eulogy and I was amazed by his strength. If I were in his shoes, I would be a blubbering mess that no one could understand. One thing he said (and I am paraphrasing) is that his father would never see his grandchildren attain certain goals (ie: graduation, marriage, college). All I could then think is that "he will never see our kids" and it made me even more sad than I was before (which was pretty sad!). My husband's step dad had a pretty big impact on his life and just knowing he will never have the chance to meet any child we have (either through adoption or a miracle of God) is heart breaking for me so I can only imagine how my husband feels.

Then I got angry with myself and my mind started to wander "Why couldn't everything just work out and he could have seen and spent some time with our child? Why am I even thinking about this in the middle of a funeral? Why does life have to be so hard sometimes? Why does that woman wear so much makeup?" No lie, these exact thoughts in that order went through my head.

My Annual Appointment

I dread it every year. It was last week and it was horrible! Ever since we did our first IUI years ago (has it really been years? :sigh:) I get really bad anxiety when I go to the Doctor. ANY DOCTOR. So you can only imagine how freaked out I get at my annual visit to my OBGYN.

When I pull up, I brace myself for all the pregnant bellies I will have to stare at in the waiting room. My favorites are the girls who look like they are in high school. Fertile little sluts (I am joking!) Well I dodged a bullet this day because it was me and a few other women who from the looks of them weren't pregnant or at least not showing. I am called back pretty quickly and think "sweet, let's just get through this as fast as I can so I don't have to slit my wrists"

I go back and the nurse asks me all the normal questions, takes my weight and blood pressure (both were higher than I had hoped). I go get naked with my gown and cheap paper sheet over my goods and wait........................and wait..............here's come more anxiety............wait................here comes the red splotches on my chest............wait...............face getting hot................where is that doctor??

I don't know how long I sat in that room freaking myself out but it seemed like an eternity. He comes in and asks the normal questions, congratulates me on quitting smoking, asks about the frozen cycle. I was pretty detached from the conversation. I just wanted to get dressed, cool down and get the hell out of there without crying. He did the exam while we talked about Black Friday (yes, it was as awkward as it sounds) and then he said he wanted to recheck my blood pressure.

So I got dressed and went out to the nurse's station so she could take it again. Right as she puts the cuff on, he starts talking to me about how he had been at a conference for two day prior about weight loss and infertility. He said when women are actively trying to lose weight their infertility goes down but then once they are at a comfortable weight it goes back up and that maybe that could help me. Well guess what? My blood pressure actually went up the second time and I think it is because he was talking about the two subjects that give me the MOST anxiety: infertility and weight. He told me I needed to get it checked out in the next few months because every time I come in it has been a little high. I have explained before that it is him and his office. My mom has a blood pressure machine and when i take it over there, it is fine.

At this point, I had completely checked out of the situation. I wanted the cuff off my arm and was ready to hit the door running. Yes, I know I need to lose weight and I am constantly trying but not so I can miraculously get pregnant. That isn't going to happen. Because unless me losing weight can help with my left ovary not producing eggs or my husband's low sperm count and motility, it is a longshot that it would help our situation.

October FAIL

So I signed up for ICLW and then didn't even bother to leave one comment. Not from lack of trying. I would sign and and go to the list but it seemed like every blog I clicked on was either "expecting", was in the middle of a cycle or their two week wait. These stories used to inspire me to keep pressing on, try again and again. Now, they just completely beat me down. Where are the blogs for those who have lost hope or the ones who are done with fertility treatments but haven't quite moved on to adoption. Where are the "currently in limbo" bloggers at?

I am "fine"

Women say this all the time and it should be obvious when these statement is uttered, normally it is far from the truth. I have no idea why I do this or why I even try to pretend I am "fine" when I am clearly not. I have a lot of emotions I am trying to work through now and the worst part is I do not feel like anyone understands my feelings. When I try to open up, I get dumbfounded looks and "I am sorry" or someone just changes the subject. I understand people don't know what to say but I cannot stand hearing "I am sorry" anymore or seeing another :( on texts. I am sad. I am angry. I am lonely. I am so many different things that I don't know how to process it anymore. And more than anything I am tired of acting like I am ok with everything. I am not ok with it. I don't want to hear about pregnancies, baby showers, sonograms, anything to do with pregnancy anytime soon. Everyone just expects me to "get over it" or not talk about it anymore. If I hear I "should just be happy with the good things I have" one more time, I am more than likely going to freak out on that person. Unless you have ever dealt with this, you have NO idea what I am going through. I guess it is just so frustrating because even when I am in a group of family and friends I still feel alone.

The Secret Cycle - Farewell IVF

It has been so hard not being able to post all the blogs regarding our secret cycle but we used our last frozen embryo last month and I got the results of blood work this morning. It was negative, which we fully expected since I started bleeding and cramping last night. I am sad but also I feel this great sense of relief. It is over. I did everything in my power to make this work and it didn't. I know now I have one of the strongest marriages of anyone I know because Josh and I went through this together and even though we didn't get the results we wished for, we came out the other end and we are still united, in love and have a stronger bond then we have ever had.

What's next? Hawaii next summer with Josh's parents and I cannot wait. Josh and I referred to this cycle as baby or aloha so Hawaii get ready! The Franklins are heading your way and plan on drinking A LOT, snorkeling all day long and staying up to see the sun rise at least once!

I am not going to make any final decisions but head, heart and uterus are telling me we are done with IVF. Not only does it take an emotional toll on me, but I worry about what all the drugs do to my body. I really feel at peace with this and think in a year Josh and I will re-evaluate and look at other options to be parents. Do I still want children? Of course. Am I stuck on them being my biological children? Not as much as I once was. All I know is even though we don't have kids, Josh and I are still a family and we have some furry kids to get us by for now.

For those of you who are still pursuing your dreams of children either through fertility treatments or adoption, Good Luck, I wish you the best and babies for you all.

I went ahead and posted all the blogs below that I have kept as drafts through this cycle just so you know how everything went down. They are in between the ones I was posting so here is a list if you want to check them out in order go from farthest back to most recent:

1. Consultation
2. Accupuncture
3. That is a beautiful uterus
4. Transfer Date
5. Wanna be Kardashian on transfer day
6. I am a googlin' fool

Kelley

The Dreaded Facebook Announcement

How horrible is that someone announcing they are expecting on facebook puts me into a bad mood? Doesn't even matter if it is an aquaintance or my best friend. It upsets me everytime. Then I feel bad that someone else's happiest moment in their life pisses me off. And I actually then count the number of people I know are pregnant then I write myself off because what are the chances that I would know 11 people who are pregnant and then be the 12th. (this is an accurate number in my life right now - 11)

I know it doesn't work that way. It's not like God is sitting up there saying "I reached my limit of pregnancies this month, maybe next time Franklin". But in my crazy head, this is what I think occurs every time someone else I know pops up pregnant. I think "great, she is pregnant so that means I can't be" which is ludicrous!

OK Honesty time: When someone announces they are pregnant on Facebook, I become a psycho stalker for at least a day. I read everyone's congrats and comments (never commenting myself if person knows about our struggle to start a family because I do not want to draw attention to my infertile uterus). Then I go back and read past status updates looking for posts that imply pregnancy (ex: I am so tired or I have felt under the weather lately - these two always trip my pregnancy radar).

So just know if we are friends on Facebook and you are pregnant, I am totally stalking your page. Maybe if I read enough and look at enough ultrasound pics, it will rub off on me?