Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Dissapointment (over and over again)

Don't you hate it when you get your hopes up only to be dissapointed? I hadn't let myself get my hopes up in a long time but this past month I just had a "different" feeling. I don't know what it was but for some reason I thought that this month would be miracle month and I was going to get pregnant. We aren't actively trying or taking temps or meds or anything like that....I just thought maybe this month I would have a good egg and Josh would have an olympic type swimmer and they would meet, have a nice time and get it on and put a baby in my belly. I got even more excited b/c I started spotting a week before Aunt Flow was due to arrive although I kept this information to myself. For some reason, I feel like if I tell someone, I would be tempting fate and it would all come crashing down on me. I did tell Josh that I was spotting on Saturday but that I didn't want to talk about it and he obliged.

It was not meant to be b/c Aunt Flow reared her ugly head in the middle stall today at work. I am not going to kid myself and think "oh maybe it is just implantion bleeding" It isn't and as much as I wish it was, I am a hardened woman when it comes to this stuff now and I know that even if I live in denial for another 24 hours, it will still be there to show me once again this month, I am not going to have Miracle Baby Franklin.

I don't talk about this much outside of this blog b/c I know it makes other people feel uncomfortable as well as myself. But I recently have opened up to one of my best friends about it via email and one thing we talked about is God's place in all of this. I have struggled over the last few years with blame for our situation. Since there has been no one or thing to blame, I turned my blame towards God. Why would he make me go through this when others have it so much easier? At one point, I went even further and thought "why would God let bad things happen to good people or children or babies?" Why can't he stop these things from happening?

After much thought and reading a book that at this time in my life really spoke to me, I came to realize a very different belief of His power. He did create the universe and everything in it but he also gave us as His creation, free will and has no control over the good or bad things that happen to us. But he does promise to be with us every step of the way through life if we let him. Now before you start rolling your eyes and thinking "oh no, Kelley's gone all crazy Christian on us", that is not the case nor am I looking to save your soul or push my beliefs on you. I am just trying like most people who have struggled with their beliefs to find peace in life. Have I found it? No. Am I working on it? Yes, every day I work on myself and my relationship with others and with God. I know He wants me to have a baby as bad as I do and hopefully one day, our miracle baby will arrive but until then I need to try not to doubt his purpose.