Can a girl catch a break?

So, yesterday was a quiet day here around the office. I work in a suite with a few other ladies and they were all off yesterday so I was super excited about blaring my music loud and getting organized. I was sitting there making cover letters for some reports and enjoying every minute (yes I am that dorky) when another co-worker from the suite across the way came over and asked if I would mind helping wrap the baby shower gifts and decorating. I was SHOCKED to say the least. I had already given my whole uncomfortable spill about how "I don't do baby showers but would attend this one since it is during work hours...blah blah blah" when they asked me to help plan. I was feeling really good about setting my boundaries (which is something that is very hard for me to do in all aspects of my life) and then the same person asks me to help again. So what did I do? I helped. (I have the spine of a jellyfish)

So I went in there and hung bright pink "It's a Girl" signs, baby rattles and streamers across our conference room (looks like its been hosed down with pepto bismol - anyone get the reference?), the whole time trying to forget what the signs said and stood for. I am a trooper and I got through it though. I was thinking Ishould get a medal or something for this shit then it hit me and I cried.

I haven't let myself cry over this kind of stuff in a really long time. I thought I was getting better at dealing but I guess not. I was sad, jealous, angry, mad at myself for being selfish when I would like to just feel HAPPY for someone who is expecting. It was a lot of emotions going through me and I lost it. But I didnt' let myself get down for too long (there were happy hour drinks to be consumed!).

This morning I am still upset for not standing up for myself and my emotions the day before and right when I walk in to work, I am hit with it again. "Hey this sign fell, can you go hang it back up?" I didn't say a word, I just walked straight to the water cooler. When i get to my office the "It's a Girl" sign is laying on my desk. It took ALL OF ME not to freak out right there and start kicking ass. But I like my job for the most part and kinda need it for money and such, so I got a piece of tape, threw the sign against the wall and shoved the tape on the top corner (I didn't even care that the tape was showing at this point)

Now please note, I am very open in my life about my struggles and the people planning this shindig know everything I have been through. All I can think is that they didn't realize what they were doing was a bit too much. Until I finally told her

The final straw was when an email went out saying that I and another co-worker were to take care of the food set up. I was not asked about this at all and at this point I am way beyond my limit of what I can deal with regarding this shower. So I sent a very nice email back saying that I need to set limits and that I would appreciate it if someone else would take care of the food set up. I will attend the shower but that I cannot do anything else to prepare for it. I am VERY proud of myself for this. So I am sitting pretty tall after that and think that this was the extra oomph to get me through the baby shower.

I went, it seemed awkward at first but then I think some people kinda lightened up. (including myself) We had lunch, cupcakes, cookies, she opened her gifts and I could really tell she was genuinely surprised and excited. Went back to work after and then after a while when I went to potty, I saw it.....

I FUCKIN STARTED MY PERIOD.

Not this year.

Well unfortunately I didn't get exactly what I wanted for Christmas. Aunt Flow reared her ugly head the day after Christmas and it ruined my dreams of telling Josh I had one more gift for him and showing him a positive pregnancy test on New Years Eve. Yes, these are the fantasies I have now. No longer are they consumed with winning the lottery or being famous, now my fantasies consist of me peeing on a stick and seeing a + sign. (Kinda sad isn't it?). Well, maybe next Christmas. But my positive outlook of this miracle happening is getting less and less enthusiastic. Bleh.

I am not going to lie, I am BEAT DOWN with this infertility crap. I am tired of it consuming my life. Sure, I function on a daily basis, I get up, go to work, clean the house, pay the bills, and eat (too much) but I feel like I want to scream a LOT. My anxiety level over the last few years has SKY ROCKETED. It is the weirdest thing, I will be fine just going on with daily things and then I will get VERY TENSE. Sometimes there are triggers but other times, I can't tell you why I get this way. I just do and have to wait for it to pass.

I was asked the other day when the "old" Kelley will be coming back and it made me incredibly sad because the only answer I could give was "She isn't. this is who I am now" and I HATE it.

Dissapointment (over and over again)

Don't you hate it when you get your hopes up only to be dissapointed? I hadn't let myself get my hopes up in a long time but this past month I just had a "different" feeling. I don't know what it was but for some reason I thought that this month would be miracle month and I was going to get pregnant. We aren't actively trying or taking temps or meds or anything like that....I just thought maybe this month I would have a good egg and Josh would have an olympic type swimmer and they would meet, have a nice time and get it on and put a baby in my belly. I got even more excited b/c I started spotting a week before Aunt Flow was due to arrive although I kept this information to myself. For some reason, I feel like if I tell someone, I would be tempting fate and it would all come crashing down on me. I did tell Josh that I was spotting on Saturday but that I didn't want to talk about it and he obliged.

It was not meant to be b/c Aunt Flow reared her ugly head in the middle stall today at work. I am not going to kid myself and think "oh maybe it is just implantion bleeding" It isn't and as much as I wish it was, I am a hardened woman when it comes to this stuff now and I know that even if I live in denial for another 24 hours, it will still be there to show me once again this month, I am not going to have Miracle Baby Franklin.

I don't talk about this much outside of this blog b/c I know it makes other people feel uncomfortable as well as myself. But I recently have opened up to one of my best friends about it via email and one thing we talked about is God's place in all of this. I have struggled over the last few years with blame for our situation. Since there has been no one or thing to blame, I turned my blame towards God. Why would he make me go through this when others have it so much easier? At one point, I went even further and thought "why would God let bad things happen to good people or children or babies?" Why can't he stop these things from happening?

After much thought and reading a book that at this time in my life really spoke to me, I came to realize a very different belief of His power. He did create the universe and everything in it but he also gave us as His creation, free will and has no control over the good or bad things that happen to us. But he does promise to be with us every step of the way through life if we let him. Now before you start rolling your eyes and thinking "oh no, Kelley's gone all crazy Christian on us", that is not the case nor am I looking to save your soul or push my beliefs on you. I am just trying like most people who have struggled with their beliefs to find peace in life. Have I found it? No. Am I working on it? Yes, every day I work on myself and my relationship with others and with God. I know He wants me to have a baby as bad as I do and hopefully one day, our miracle baby will arrive but until then I need to try not to doubt his purpose.

So much for pretending

I don't know if it is because Aunt Flow just left or because I am tired but today is one of those days where I emotionally hurting from not having a baby, not being pregnant, and not being fertile. I can honestly say that some days I am happy to just have the people and things I have in my life and realize how lucky I am but then there are other days when I am totally pretending that I am ok, everything is ok, that it will be fine if we don't ever conceive our own child. I say things like "we can travel, we can adopt, we can do whatever we want." And some days I believe it and then there are other days....Well today is an "other day. I feel like those statements are just a bunch of BS. We have accrued so much debt during treatments, I will be 100 by the time we could afford to travel or adopt. Not to mention, I only get a total of 2 weeks of vacation a year which really doesn't allow for much international traveling unless Mexico counts.

Also, I am trying to figure out a way to get this guy at work to quit calling me "Momma" every time he calls in or I see him. I am guessing he has no idea what I have gone through and means it as a term of endearment but everytime he says it, I just feel so defeated and my heart hurts a little b/c I start thinking about how I am not a mother, and more than likely won't be one ever and then my thoughts spiral out of control trying to see the future and maybe someday I will have a child but let's face it, odds are stacked against me with my infertility and lack of money. (One word makes all these emotions well up in me and I want to scream but I just smile on the outside and just answer his questions as if I don't have a care in the world) If I could say what I really wanted to, I would scream at him, "I have had 2 miscarriages, 1 IUI and 1 very expensive IVF attempt that failed. SO I am hardly a mother, so quit calling me that" then I would kick him. hehehe

I guess I just needed to get that out of my system today. I have a therapist appointment in an hour so I am hoping I get my money's worth from that! I really need it.

Oh and the whole I am quitting smoking after NYE has not been 100% successful, which annoys and makes me feel down. I am not full on smoking but I would be lying if I told the blogosphere I haven't had one here and there. Sometimes I hate it and think why did I just smoke then there are other times, I completely enjoy the relief. I need an another awesome relief...and if you say "work out", I will kick you. hehehehe