Consultation

You may remember, I have one frozen little embryo waiting to be thawed out and put in my belly. Well after almost 2 years of regaining strength and composure from my first IVF cycle, we made the follow up appointment. Now I realize this doesn't seem like a big deal to most but for me, this is HUGE. To say I was devestated after the first IVF is an understatement and I honestly wasn't sure I could ever go through all that again but alas the day has come and I have an appointment today with everyone's favorite RE.

The clinic I go to has 2 REs and we happen to favor one over the other. I am not sure if it was all the meds and hormones that were being pumped into me the last time I saw these guys but one of them, Dr. H. did not have a bedside manner I responded to. So when we made our appointment, I specifically asked for Dr. L. To be honest, I trust both of their opinions but how you treat and talk to me is very important when I am going through such an emotional rollercoaster and Dr. L seemed to be more on my wave length.

We have decided not to share any of this with anyone. (which is why I am blogging and saving each entry to post until after the cycle is over) It is kinda weird not telling my friends and parents to "buckle their seatbelts b/c we are all getting back on this train!" but Josh and I wanted to do this alone. Will it make it easier? I have no idea, I hope so. Do I want to call my BFFs right now to tell them about the appointment, kinda. But I will restrain.

Just got back from appointment and it went really well. I thought I was staying all calm and chilled but then I looked down and my chest was red and splotchy (which is a definite sign of nerves). Dr. L was very positive about the little embryo that could. Looks like the little thing actually looks better than the other two they put in for the fresh cycle so that is a good sign. Also, the meds are not going to be a lot easier and less costly (no injections - WAHOO!) I also found out that my insurance covers Accupuncture and the place close to my house is actually in network! I get up to 20 visits a year and the co-pay is $20.00 so guess who is gonna go get stuck with a bunch of needles soon? THIS GIRL!

The relaxing pedicure that never was

I gave in today and decided to treat myself to a pedicure. My feet were disgusting with chipped zebra polish on my bigger toes, nothing on my little toes (yes, don't judge, it had been THAT long since I had a pedicure and I hadn't bothered to even touch them up).

At lunch I ran out to this place right around the corner from my work. Pulled in the parking lot, got a front row joe parking spot and was super excited that they didn't look that busy so I would be able to get in and out in an hour. I told the lady in the front that I needed a pedicure, was on my lunch break and needed to be in and out in right under an hour and she smiled and nodded.

I am whisked away to a pedicure chair, offered a drink, took out my book, turn on the massager in the chair, got the diet coke and started the relaxing lunch hour. Then my pedicure technician comes waddling around the corner. Yep, she was pregnant and not just a little baby bump. This chick looked like she could burst at any minute and right in my pedicure spa (ew, they would definitely need some stronger sanitizer), which made instantly feel bad. 1. That I was annoyed she was pregnant and 2. that someone THAT pregnant was going to be giving me a pedicure. SHE should be the one who is getting her feet rubbed. But for now, come on preggo, rub this infertile's feet. (I am so wrong)

But I got over that fast b/c I had some feet than needed scrubbing, toes to be painted and a book that needed to be read. So I assume the "snobby pedicure client" posture in my chair. You know where you give off the vibe that you don't want to chat and refuse to make eye contact. I am really good at it. It's a gift.

I am reading my book and enjoying every minute of my foot scrubbing solice when I can't help but overhear the conversation between two women next to me. They had not assumed the don't talk to me stance in the pedicure chairs, so they were chatting away with one technician. Now, the woman in the chair next to me was very big lady and she made a comment about not being able to reach her toes, which I thought was weird. Then she said "not like I ever could anyways" Now THIS got my attention. This woman made at least 3 comments since I started spying about weight gain. Then it came out, her sister mentioned to the technician that the lady next to me was expecting and was due in October. I was SHOCKED and I couldn't help myself. At this point, I had let down guard, have turned in my chair and am all out staring at this woman. There is no "bump" to speak of. The technician was shocked too b/c she was like "oh, so little can't tell" I almost laughed. There was nothing little about this woman but I knew she was trying to be nice, after all her tip may depend on it. I couldn't quit listening then. I would stare at the pages in my book trying to read but I could not tell you what was on those pages b/c I was engrossed in the non looking pregnant, pregnant lady.

Then for reason unbeknown to me, she starts spilling her guts to the technician. She is 39 has tried online dating a lot within the past few years (which didn't surprise me), has another kid, didn't lose her virginity until she was 33. She originally had wanted to wait til marriage but then I guess that didn't happen. Once again my head turns from my book when I hear this. They are politely ignoring me as far as I can tell. I can't quit listening or staring at her non existent baby bump.

At that point, I checked out. The poor chick rubbing my feet looks like she may be havin labor pains and the extremely overweight chick next to me who was a virgin until she was 33 is due in October. At that point, I just sit back, close my eyes and laugh to myself.

I start to wonder what time it is. It seems like I should be done by now. I finally pull out my phone and it has already been an hour. Ugh, now do I politely tell the 9 month pregnant chick carefuly painting my toes to get the show on the road. She looked so tired and hot. So I let her be and pretty much freaked out the whole time she was painting them that I was going to get in trouble when I got back. I didn't, no one even said anything.

Thank you universe. Thank you for my relaxing pedicure.

The Best Thing in the World....

Most rewarding experience, will change your life, you will know what "real unconditional love" is.

All these sayings make me want to vomit. I don't doubt they are true feeling for those becoming a parent but they are so cliche' and nauseating to hear every time someone gets pregnant. I am not sure if people use them as verbal filler or they really think that the person doesn't know their life if about to change so they feel the need to let them in on this "secret".

If I ever have a child of my own through birth or adoption, I will probably think these things but will never utter them out loud. Some more appropriate things for me would be:

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  I hope the baby is healthy
  



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  I hope the child is emotionally stable (only one crazy in this family and I got years on you kid!)
  



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  I hope the child doesn't disappoint me (this is a big one. After all the build up, I will have HIGH expectations for any child of mine)
  



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  I hope the child doesn't grow up to be a serial killer (Josh makes me watch too many shows on serial killers so now this has been added to my fears. I mean could you imagine being the mother of some kind of monster like Manson or The Zodiac Killer)



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  I hope the kid isn't stupid (we've all seen those kids, ya know the ones where you think man, I hope you are going to be good lookin' b/c the smarts missed you!)
  



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  I hope the kid isn't ugly (aw yes, the ugly baby. Don't judge me, you have seen the babies that hit every branch of the ugly tree on the way out of the vagina)
  

I OBVIOUSLY don't have a child so I don't know if it really is the BEST THING IN THE WORLD, so to me the BEST FEELING EVER IN THE WORLD, is laying on a beach drinking a pina colada in Mexico and not having a worry or care in the world.

Mother's Day

I am very close to my mother (and when I say VERY close, I mean I would still let her carry me on her hip if I wasn't too heavy for her to carry around) So, Mother's Day doesn't sting as much as it could. I tend to just concentrate on her and what an awesome mom she is and leave it at that. Or at least I try. I can't help but add up the years sometimes though. I sometimes think, if I hadn't miscarried this would be my third Mother's Day or if if the result from IVF had been different, this would actually my first one. What if's can drive me crazy. And to top it off, I woke up Mother's Day morning to my monthly visitor and I just laughed. Of course I started THAT day. It seems like my body just wants to kick me when I am down. Now, in my uncrazy moments, I realize that I could probably turn any day I start my period into something in my mind (I am dramatic like that). But last month, starting on the day of a baby shower I had to attend then on Mother's Day? Come on body, or universe, or fate, or whoever or whatever decides this kind of stuff, cut this chick a break.

It seems like it is BABYPALOOZA around me with pregnant people or husbands of pregnant people (I found out 4 guys I work with have wives that are expecting). I am not kidding. I know at least 10 people who are expecting at the moment and one that just had one this past weekend. And with every announcement, I smile (if person is in front of me) but in my head I am screaming. I wonder when this will end for me? I need it to or I am contemplating cutting off all contact with outside world. (yeah right)

National Infertility Awareness Week (NIAW)

I had no idea this was even a "week". But now a days, it seems like there is a group or week for anything and everything so why not infertility? Sounds good to me.

If you know someone else who is having trouble starting a family, my advice is: BE SENSITIVE. Don't bring it up. If they want to talk about it, they will. I am very open about our struggles when I WANT to be. But when I am caught off guard by a question during normal conversation, I have very little time to decide how to respond. I don't want to be the "bitch" who says "I don't want to talk about it" so most of the time I just start spilling my guts, even if I don't want to. This is something I need to work on and I recognize that. But when I am put on the spot, I don't know how to react except go with the flow. Even if I am completely mortified and upset that I am having to talk about this when I am not ready and prepared. I am willing to talk about it but on my own terms.

Can a girl catch a break?

So, yesterday was a quiet day here around the office. I work in a suite with a few other ladies and they were all off yesterday so I was super excited about blaring my music loud and getting organized. I was sitting there making cover letters for some reports and enjoying every minute (yes I am that dorky) when another co-worker from the suite across the way came over and asked if I would mind helping wrap the baby shower gifts and decorating. I was SHOCKED to say the least. I had already given my whole uncomfortable spill about how "I don't do baby showers but would attend this one since it is during work hours...blah blah blah" when they asked me to help plan. I was feeling really good about setting my boundaries (which is something that is very hard for me to do in all aspects of my life) and then the same person asks me to help again. So what did I do? I helped. (I have the spine of a jellyfish)

So I went in there and hung bright pink "It's a Girl" signs, baby rattles and streamers across our conference room (looks like its been hosed down with pepto bismol - anyone get the reference?), the whole time trying to forget what the signs said and stood for. I am a trooper and I got through it though. I was thinking Ishould get a medal or something for this shit then it hit me and I cried.

I haven't let myself cry over this kind of stuff in a really long time. I thought I was getting better at dealing but I guess not. I was sad, jealous, angry, mad at myself for being selfish when I would like to just feel HAPPY for someone who is expecting. It was a lot of emotions going through me and I lost it. But I didnt' let myself get down for too long (there were happy hour drinks to be consumed!).

This morning I am still upset for not standing up for myself and my emotions the day before and right when I walk in to work, I am hit with it again. "Hey this sign fell, can you go hang it back up?" I didn't say a word, I just walked straight to the water cooler. When i get to my office the "It's a Girl" sign is laying on my desk. It took ALL OF ME not to freak out right there and start kicking ass. But I like my job for the most part and kinda need it for money and such, so I got a piece of tape, threw the sign against the wall and shoved the tape on the top corner (I didn't even care that the tape was showing at this point)

Now please note, I am very open in my life about my struggles and the people planning this shindig know everything I have been through. All I can think is that they didn't realize what they were doing was a bit too much. Until I finally told her

The final straw was when an email went out saying that I and another co-worker were to take care of the food set up. I was not asked about this at all and at this point I am way beyond my limit of what I can deal with regarding this shower. So I sent a very nice email back saying that I need to set limits and that I would appreciate it if someone else would take care of the food set up. I will attend the shower but that I cannot do anything else to prepare for it. I am VERY proud of myself for this. So I am sitting pretty tall after that and think that this was the extra oomph to get me through the baby shower.

I went, it seemed awkward at first but then I think some people kinda lightened up. (including myself) We had lunch, cupcakes, cookies, she opened her gifts and I could really tell she was genuinely surprised and excited. Went back to work after and then after a while when I went to potty, I saw it.....

I FUCKIN STARTED MY PERIOD.

Baby Shower Blues

So at some point a few months back I had officially decided that I would not attend another baby shower. I would send my regrets and a gift and be done with it. B/c let's face it, it's about the gifts.. You can go on and on about how it is about celebrating this new life but come on. I see right through it. I have yet to ever be invited to a shower where even if the invite said NO GIFTS, the mom to be gave the gift back if someone ignored the warning and so happened to bring one. So watching some adorable glowing woman open gift after tiny gift, while drinking punch and eating cake isn't worth the hours of tears I will cry later. I am happy for the mom to be, but I know my limits.

(Side Note: I realize that if I ever do get pregnant, I can NEVER have a shower after turning down invite after invite and stating it is all about the gifts. So, if the miracle ever does happen, I better win the lotto or go to Ellen's mother day special or my kid would be sleeping in the crate with Max and wearing potato sacks.)

Now back on subject, there is a surprise work shower for a co-worker and it is during business hours at our office so pretty much I am forced to go. I refuse to be the one cold hearted baby hatin' bitch who sits in her office eating her lunch while everyone else is at a shower less than 50 feet from her. So I am doing what I have learned very well to do over the past few years. Suck it up, smile and go to the shower. I will post how it goes on Tuesday. Wish me luck. I will be chanting this like a mantra :"I will not cry, I will not cry. Pass me another piece of cake. "

Paranoid take 2: Was I unfriended b/c you are pregnant?

So, I hate social media (but not enough to delete my account). And why do I hate it you ask? B/c it is just another way for someone not to talk to you. I was "un-friended" by someone a while back. Well actually I do not know how long ago I was "un-friended" b/c I didn't notice until someone pointed it out to me. Anywho, the point of this is that I automatically think "She is pregnant". Not "I wonder what I did to offend her? What did I say or not say" to get me the coldest of the cold in the friend arena - taking one off the friends list? Isn't that crazy that I automatically go to "SHE IS PREGNANT". Then I realized how conceited I am about this crap, it is all about how I feel and not how others feel when they have to tell me. (for that I am sorry and please know I do feel horrible that my friends cringe at the thought of telling me they are expecting) and why on earth would she take me off just b/c pregnant? I then realized that she probably just took me off b/c I said something to piss her off or I am boring, not to save me from her pregnancy talk/photos. How much have I let this consume me where I think people would take me off their friends' list b/c of it? I have officially reached the self absorbed infertility stage so next time you see me, punch me in the arm and tell me snap out of it.

Celebrity Pregnancies and other b*llshit

So now I not only have to worry about which friend is going to tell me she is pregnant next, I also have to sit back and watch all these celebrities who are way older than me, get knocked up (Alyssa Milano, Christina Applegate, Alicia Silverstone) and have babies. Any time I turn on to the celebrity tv shows (E Network, Extra - yes I watch this crap, don't judge) I now see something about someone getting pregnant. These shows used to be my escape from my infertile and childless life, now they just remind me of who I am. Then, one of the funniest shows on TV, has a storyline where the couple is trying to get pregnant and it is taking longer than they thought (I wish I could still say that to people - "its just taking a little longer than we thought"). So either which way, I will have to watch them suffer through infertility or watch her miraculously become pregnant and have a baby. I am not sure which is the worst of the two evils.

Here is the thing that I have decided bothers me the most, I can have a really nice car, travel more than I could if we had a child and sleep in on the weekends, but when we are old and unable to do things ourselves, who is going to be there to take care of us?

I wanna punch something.

That is it. I thought you all would like to know. I mean seriously.....PUNCH. SOMETHING. and CRY. And then eat ice cream while I get a pedicure to make me feel better. Ice cream with cookies in it. Yeah, that would do the trick.

It comes in 3s right?

In the past week, I have found out that three different people I know are pregnant so hoping that is it for a while but I have a sneaking suspicion it isn't and there may be a 4th person popping up soon. Just to reiterate, it isn't that I am not happy for these couples, it is that I am selfish and wish it was me. It isn't that I don't want others to be pregnant, I would just like to be pregnant with them or before them or heck, after them. Beggars can't be choosers and I will take what I can get.

It's one of those things where I feel like everyone is moving on with life and I am still stuck in this infertile limbo stage. A light just went off in my head and I realized Dante should have made this a level of hell!!!! Kinda funny in one way but in another, so not cool.

Infertility Etiquette

A friend of mine sent me this link today and since reading it, I have decided to share it with my family and friends. I do not expect anyone to know how I feel (and I wouldn't wish it on anyone either) but I would like friends and family to know how to talk to me and I think this gives a little insight and advice on how to deal with the "crazy" infertile.


http://www.resolve.org/support-and-services/for-family--friends/infertility-etiquette.html

Mouse on a wheel

Sometimes I feel like no matter how hard I try I am never going to get where I want to be. Most days I just ignore that fact that we can't get pregnant. I go along my daily routine trying not to think about what cycle day I am on, if I am ovulating, or if I were to get pregnant right now, when the due date would be.

But then there are days like today....Where I can't concentrate because of something that was said to me which caused me to spiral down into all my "infertile emotions" again. I desperately want to have a child. But not just for me. I want one for Josh and my parents I think more than I want one for myself. I have been told by both parties they are fine with either outcome so I try to find some peace in that. That I am not letting anyone down but myself and that I can deal with. But then little things slip out and it comes to my attention that they do want me to have a child. My mom does want to be a grandma. For those who don't know my mom, when you look at her you just know she was meant to be a mother and a grandmother. She just has that aura around her. And if you know me at all, you know I HATE to let people down. Especially my parents.

That's it really. Just having a "down" day and felt like I needed to get that off my chest since I still do not have a counselor. Yeah, I figure why pay them when I can just type everything I need to say on here for free? The whole world is my counselor.

Scentsy for a baby!

I sent out the following email to friends and family so thought I should share the news here too since it does have to do with our last frozen embryo:

Happy Friday!

I am just now starting to sell Scentsy and was hoping that ya’ll could help give me a jump start. I decided to sell Scentsy to help my husband, Josh, and I realize our dream of being parents and pay for our frozen IVF cycle in the next year. Here is a little background on our infertility struggles:

• Started TTC in September 2007
  Got pregnant the old fashioned way in March 2008 and miscarried in May.
  TTC for over a year without luck
  1 unsuccessful IUI in June 2009
  1 successful IVF in October 2009, which also resulted in miscarriage.
  Now we just take things one day at a time and pray for a miracle until we have enough money for our frozen cycle.

As you may or may not know, infertility procedures and meds are VERY EXPENSIVE and insurance rarely covers anything so we need some extra cash. I was already SCENTSY CRAZY in my house and car, so thought I would give this a try. This product is amazing. I have had friends, family and strangers (the plumber!) comment about how nice my house smells and all I use is Scentsy.

If you aren't sure what Scentsy is or you are interested in purchasing, selling Scentsy with me or hosting a home or basket party, please let me know or visit my website. You can buy online too! :)

https://kelleyfranklin.scentsy.us/Home

For those of you who don't know, a basket party is there one person signs up to host and then they have 10-14 days where they have catalogs, order forms, and sample scents (in a basket, get it?!) and try to get as many people to order as possible and they still get the host points! :) You still get all the perks of being a host but don't have to clean your house for guests! SCORE!

*The first three people to book either a home or basket party with me will receive a free gift.* (on top of the hostess points)

Note: I am not going to harass you to buy Scentsy (people like that get on my nerves too) Unless you ask for more information, this will be the only email I send to you. But please feel free to forward email onto anyone you think may be interested.

Article on Infertility

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/38311820/ns/health-womens_health/

You know the one thing that gives me some peace in all of this? Reading things like this that tell me I am not a FREAK or alone b/c I am infertile. It is good to know that all these feelings I have don't make me a bad person. I get caught up in a cycle that goes somewhat like this:

1. Paranoid - someone is pregnant, I just know it. Her shirt is loose, she looks bloated, she isn't drinking, etc.
2. Sad - get the news someone is pregnant (and it isn't me)
3. Jealous - Why can this person get something so easy?
4. Angry - Why am I not pregnant?
5. Sad (again) - but this time it is that the person was scared to tell me and that I was ever angry in the first place. (self loathing time)
5. Happy for that person
6. Paranoid (all over again)

Step 1 - admitting you have a problem.

Well I broke down and created this blog as an outlet for me to share my experiences with friends and family in one place but I also created this blog, so I would have somewhere to vent...not neccesarily to anyone but just to get things out.





A little background: Josh and I started trying to conceive in the Fall of 2007. In March of 2008, we got a positive pregnancy test and we were ecstatic that is happened for us relatively quickly. I went in for my first appointment when I was 8 weeks along and there was no heart beat. Over that next week, I had to get blood taken to test my levels and then return for another sonogram. We went in a week later and still no heartbeat. My doctor told me that I will eventually miscarry and I did so in May. After a few months, we began trying again and have had no luck in the past year and a half.



A few months ago, I went to see a fertility specialist and they did the first IUI in May, which did not work. We tried a second time in June but because of unforseen circumstances, we were unable to go through with the IUI in June.



The doctor feels in our cisrcumstance, IVF is going to have the best odds so we have our consultation on Friday July 17th to work out a game plan and get started with the process around the first of August.



I have so many emotions running through me it is overwhelming. I am more than anything scared but I also feel nervous, excited, happy, I could go on and on. I will update this as often as possible with where we are in the process. Let's hope and pray that in about a year, I will have a post that says "He or She is here!" and this journey will be one I can look back on with joy.