Well unfortunately I didn't get exactly what I wanted for Christmas. Aunt Flow reared her ugly head the day after Christmas and it ruined my dreams of telling Josh I had one more gift for him and showing him a positive pregnancy test on New Years Eve. Yes, these are the fantasies I have now. No longer are they consumed with winning the lottery or being famous, now my fantasies consist of me peeing on a stick and seeing a + sign. (Kinda sad isn't it?). Well, maybe next Christmas. But my positive outlook of this miracle happening is getting less and less enthusiastic. Bleh.
I am not going to lie, I am BEAT DOWN with this infertility crap. I am tired of it consuming my life. Sure, I function on a daily basis, I get up, go to work, clean the house, pay the bills, and eat (too much) but I feel like I want to scream a LOT. My anxiety level over the last few years has SKY ROCKETED. It is the weirdest thing, I will be fine just going on with daily things and then I will get VERY TENSE. Sometimes there are triggers but other times, I can't tell you why I get this way. I just do and have to wait for it to pass.
I was asked the other day when the "old" Kelley will be coming back and it made me incredibly sad because the only answer I could give was "She isn't. this is who I am now" and I HATE it.
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