So much for pretending

I don't know if it is because Aunt Flow just left or because I am tired but today is one of those days where I emotionally hurting from not having a baby, not being pregnant, and not being fertile. I can honestly say that some days I am happy to just have the people and things I have in my life and realize how lucky I am but then there are other days when I am totally pretending that I am ok, everything is ok, that it will be fine if we don't ever conceive our own child. I say things like "we can travel, we can adopt, we can do whatever we want." And some days I believe it and then there are other days....Well today is an "other day. I feel like those statements are just a bunch of BS. We have accrued so much debt during treatments, I will be 100 by the time we could afford to travel or adopt. Not to mention, I only get a total of 2 weeks of vacation a year which really doesn't allow for much international traveling unless Mexico counts.

Also, I am trying to figure out a way to get this guy at work to quit calling me "Momma" every time he calls in or I see him. I am guessing he has no idea what I have gone through and means it as a term of endearment but everytime he says it, I just feel so defeated and my heart hurts a little b/c I start thinking about how I am not a mother, and more than likely won't be one ever and then my thoughts spiral out of control trying to see the future and maybe someday I will have a child but let's face it, odds are stacked against me with my infertility and lack of money. (One word makes all these emotions well up in me and I want to scream but I just smile on the outside and just answer his questions as if I don't have a care in the world) If I could say what I really wanted to, I would scream at him, "I have had 2 miscarriages, 1 IUI and 1 very expensive IVF attempt that failed. SO I am hardly a mother, so quit calling me that" then I would kick him. hehehe

I guess I just needed to get that out of my system today. I have a therapist appointment in an hour so I am hoping I get my money's worth from that! I really need it.

Oh and the whole I am quitting smoking after NYE has not been 100% successful, which annoys and makes me feel down. I am not full on smoking but I would be lying if I told the blogosphere I haven't had one here and there. Sometimes I hate it and think why did I just smoke then there are other times, I completely enjoy the relief. I need an another awesome relief...and if you say "work out", I will kick you. hehehehe