Nervous Feeling

Well, the day is finally here. TEST DAY. I cannot tell you all the feelings and emotions that are going through me right now. I guess the biggest one is fear. Fear of the test being negative and this not working, fear of letting myself down, fear of letting all of you down who have been thinking and praying for us, fear of letting my mom and dad down, but mostly fear of letting Josh down. He keeps telling me everything will be OK either way but the thought of me not being pregnant and seeing his disappointment will kill me. I love him so much and so want to give him a child and I feel like a complete let down if I can't do that.

I know, I know think positive. Everyone I have talked to has told me that and I want you to know how incredibly hard that is. While I want to be positive, I also want to prepare myself for the worst. Also, I don't feel pregnant. I would think if a foreign entity was growing in my body, I would have some idea or feeling. The only feelings I have lately are nervousness, which has caused me to have stomach issues.

I am still bleeding. Sometimes it is lighter than others but for the most part, pretty regular. It hasn't been really heavy since Monday so I am guessing that may be a good thing. I haven't had cramps since Tuesday evening, now I just need to quit bleeding.

Today is a turning point and it will come with just one phone call. That call will either devastate or elate me. I am trying to prepare myself for either outcome but I am really ready for all of this to be over so I can move on with my life either way.