The thing that actually broke me down.

After all that has happened over the past few years, I cannot believe that a dog is what is going to break me down.

A Little Background:
This past April my mom found some Collie puppies in the paper and after trying to convince my brother and his wife to get one with no luck, she set her sights on her youngest child (me). I was an easy catch. I mean who doesn't love puppies??? Especially after another miscarriage. I thought that if I got a puppy, I could get over the feeling of not being pregnant or having a baby. We thought Josh would be a hard sale so I sent in the big guns (MY MOM). After a 20 minute phone call she had Josh on board (SHE IS REALLY GOOD).
We got Max and I won't go into detail about his behavior but he is very reminiscent of Marley in "Marley and Me". He is a handful or as my dad likes to put it "he is a joy to be around".

I am the one who wanted the dog and I know that. Maybe that is why I am so stressed over it. And believe me, I am reminded every day by someone that I am the one who wanted the dog. And so I know he is MY responsibility but the only times I am not having to watch him so he doesn't tear up a chair or shit in my floor, is when he is outside. Yes, Josh's idea of watching the dog is watching tv or playing on the computer while the dog follows me around the kitchen while I make dinner. When I gripe, what does he do? He puts him in the backyard. That is not OK with me. I don't think it is right to just stick a dog in a backyard b/c you don't want to watch him/her.
Then I get the people who are dog experts or think they are looking down their noses at me saying "well he is a puppy. what did you expect?" Yes, I am a failure. I am not strong enough to handle a dog. I get it. I lose. Game Over. Next Please.

Everyone tells me how strong I am for what I have gone through the last few years. Well now they will get to say "Man, did you hear Kelley finally lost it? Yeah, the puppy pushed her over the edge and after all her infertility issues"

I will admit it. We weren't ready for a dog. This is all my fault. So here comes all the guilt. I am 30 years old and if I can't handle a puppy, how on earth would I handle a baby or babies? Maybe God knows what He is doing by not allowing me to have a child. I don't think I could mentally take it. Just having this dog is about to push me off the deep end.