The Secret Cycle - Farewell IVF

It has been so hard not being able to post all the blogs regarding our secret cycle but we used our last frozen embryo last month and I got the results of blood work this morning. It was negative, which we fully expected since I started bleeding and cramping last night. I am sad but also I feel this great sense of relief. It is over. I did everything in my power to make this work and it didn't. I know now I have one of the strongest marriages of anyone I know because Josh and I went through this together and even though we didn't get the results we wished for, we came out the other end and we are still united, in love and have a stronger bond then we have ever had.

What's next? Hawaii next summer with Josh's parents and I cannot wait. Josh and I referred to this cycle as baby or aloha so Hawaii get ready! The Franklins are heading your way and plan on drinking A LOT, snorkeling all day long and staying up to see the sun rise at least once!

I am not going to make any final decisions but head, heart and uterus are telling me we are done with IVF. Not only does it take an emotional toll on me, but I worry about what all the drugs do to my body. I really feel at peace with this and think in a year Josh and I will re-evaluate and look at other options to be parents. Do I still want children? Of course. Am I stuck on them being my biological children? Not as much as I once was. All I know is even though we don't have kids, Josh and I are still a family and we have some furry kids to get us by for now.

For those of you who are still pursuing your dreams of children either through fertility treatments or adoption, Good Luck, I wish you the best and babies for you all.

I went ahead and posted all the blogs below that I have kept as drafts through this cycle just so you know how everything went down. They are in between the ones I was posting so here is a list if you want to check them out in order go from farthest back to most recent:

1. Consultation
2. Accupuncture
3. That is a beautiful uterus
4. Transfer Date
5. Wanna be Kardashian on transfer day
6. I am a googlin' fool

Kelley

The Dreaded Facebook Announcement

How horrible is that someone announcing they are expecting on facebook puts me into a bad mood? Doesn't even matter if it is an aquaintance or my best friend. It upsets me everytime. Then I feel bad that someone else's happiest moment in their life pisses me off. And I actually then count the number of people I know are pregnant then I write myself off because what are the chances that I would know 11 people who are pregnant and then be the 12th. (this is an accurate number in my life right now - 11)

I know it doesn't work that way. It's not like God is sitting up there saying "I reached my limit of pregnancies this month, maybe next time Franklin". But in my crazy head, this is what I think occurs every time someone else I know pops up pregnant. I think "great, she is pregnant so that means I can't be" which is ludicrous!

OK Honesty time: When someone announces they are pregnant on Facebook, I become a psycho stalker for at least a day. I read everyone's congrats and comments (never commenting myself if person knows about our struggle to start a family because I do not want to draw attention to my infertile uterus). Then I go back and read past status updates looking for posts that imply pregnancy (ex: I am so tired or I have felt under the weather lately - these two always trip my pregnancy radar).

So just know if we are friends on Facebook and you are pregnant, I am totally stalking your page. Maybe if I read enough and look at enough ultrasound pics, it will rub off on me?

I am a googlin' fool!!

So I would like to think from the outside looking in, I look pretty calm, cool and collected, normal and put together. No one would know that I am currently in my 2WW. I know I have done everything I can possibly do to make this work, now it is up to God. But that doesn't stop me from researching on the internet how things went down for other infertiles!! It is like my little guilty pleasure. When I am alone I start googlin' all kinds of IVF stuff. Here is a little sample:

• "How many days post transfer positive BFP"



• "5BB embryo IVF"



• "nausea after IVF"



• "Frozen cycle HPT"

The list is embarrasingly longer than this but I still have some dignity so you only get a sample of my googling subjects. Some people obsess over HPTs and buy tons of them only to hide them in drawers and under cabinets and quietly pee on when they are alone, hoping to see the second line. Luckily, I am not one of those (I am very cheap and don't want to waste the money on tests) but I am a secret google fool, which I know is even worse than peeing on a stick every morning. I have read every "what if" scenario out there and it doesn't make me feel any better or any worse. I HAVE TO STOP!!!! Gotta go, just realized I haven't googled "FET 31 year old 5bb embryo grade" - See I am crazy!!!

Wanna Be Kardashian on Transfer Day

Can I tell you how HARD it is not telling anyone what is going on!!! So we had our plan down for the transfer. Josh takes me to work in AM, picks me up around 11:45, drops me off at acupuncture, picks me up again, I pop my Valium as he drives me to RE's office in Las Colinas for transfer, Dr comes in transfer sweet little frozen angel into my awaiting and very hospitable uterus, lay in room relaxed and chillin' for approximately 20-30 minutes then we head home where I lay on my back or side for the remainder of the day. Perfect plan, right?

Until my Dad calls Josh to tell him he bought a new TV and needs him to come over and help him. Josh and I are both VERY bad liars. Josh tells dad OK and starts to head over there, then calls me to tell me. (it is approximately 11AM at this point so I start to go into freak out mode) Josh calms me down and says he is going to unload the TV and then tell Dad he has to go to take me to the dentist b/c I have a toothache (which would explain why I was grouchy on Sunday when we were at their house - truth: I had just changed my estrogen patch that morning and it tends to put me on edge). Thank God they bought it! I was about to just give in and tell them what was going on b/c the sneaking around and hiding is too much for me at this point. But Josh took care of it and we were on our way and no one was the wiser.

Everything else worked out ahead of schedule. So good that we were able to waste about 40 minutes before the appointment in Target (I LOVE IT THERE!) where I went ahead and purchased myself a transfer present. Nothing too big, just a new pair of big sunglasses.

So I walked into the clinic feeling good, like a fertile Kardashian Wanna-Be in my new big sassy sunglasses and was ready to get the show on the road. I had a Valium, acupuncture and a trip to Target, this is as relaxed as I will ever be.

After the transfer I find myself "clinching" down there. Both times I have thought I need to do this to ensure the embryo doesn't fall out. I know it is ridiculous but I can't help it! I also try not to go to the bathroom for a long time b/c I am scared I will pee the embryo out, which I know is crazy since the embryo is in a completely different "area"!! But that is what infertility does to you. It makes you completely nuts!

So now we wait. My first blood test is Sept 22nd and then if that comes back positive, I will do another one to make sure numbers are rising, then a little later I will go in for sono to see heartbeat (you know the drill!) So I have been thinking lots of sticky thoughts and taking it easy. STICK STICK STICK!

10 Years

I, as well as all of you, are being inundated with 9/11 visions and stories. It is hard to believe it has been 10 years already. So many things have changed.

• 10 years ago I was a bright eyed college student at the University of North Texas.
• 10 years ago my biggest worry was getting to class on time and what I was going to do on a Friday night.
• 10 years ago, I had not met my husband, I had never had a grown up job.
• 10 years ago I was innocent in so many ways.

I still remember waking up that morning to an already alive television set. As I rolled over to check out what the Today show was reporting, I saw a horrific vision that will be burnt into my mind until the day I pass on. It was the second plane going into the World Trade Center. In my sleepy haze, I thought this had to be a movie. But as I slowly realized this was real life I shot straight up in bed and screamed for my mom. I then realized my parent's house phone was ringing. It was my father, who was already at work, calling us to alert us to the news. My mother ran in my room, telephone in hand and we both watched in horror as our nation was attacked and changed forever.

As upset as I was, I still felt the need to continue on with my normal commute to Denton to attend classes. As I was driving on 360 headed north, it came over the radio that a plane at hit the Pentagon. By the time I was north of the DFW airport, all airplanes had been ordered to land. It was the most amazing site seeing what seemed like 1000 planes circling waiting to land.

My 9/11 story isn't amazing or all that interesting but I wanted to share. I however cannot adequately express the deep sadness and heartache I felt and still feel when I think about all the images from that day and the days and weeks that followed.

Transfer Date

We have a date. On Monday, September 12th at 2:00 PM I will be at the RE's office getting ready to have an embryo placed inside my very hospitable uterus. Then I will be in the 2WW otherwise known as "Kelley is going crazy b/c she is extremely impatient" period of the cycle, then I will go back on September 26th and again once more that same week for blood tests, then we will know if it "stuck". We are nearing the finish line, I just need to remember it is not a sprint.

Even Lesbians get Pregnant Before I Do.

Before I begin, I just want to say that this is in no way is an anti-gay post. In fact, I have been trying to lock in a gay male best friend for years without any luck. {Side Note, I think I seem too eager} Anyways, I would just like to point out the irony of the situation and that is what this post is about.

After 4 years of more unprotected sex than anyone could fathom (some enjoyable, some just to get the job done), IUIs, IVF, shots in my belly, shots in my hips that leave horrible painful lumps, meds that make me CRA-CRA, I still find myself on this wild infertile ride. Because of my experiences, it is always awkward when I find out someone is pregnant. (not just for other people, it is awkward for me too,)

When I heard that a woman I know, who is in a monogamous relationship with another woman, was pregnant, it stung a little and my first thought was "how the hell did this happen?" I thought there is hope for me yet if a chick can get another chick pregnant. I soon realized as most kids have been taught in Sex Ed, that this was not the case. Science was their friend too!

Now, as I sit here on a Friday night watching "Cats & Dogs: The Revenge of Kitty Galore" (I can't help it, I love talking pets!!!), my mind keeps going back to the news. Am I jealous? Heck yeah! You are pregnant and the toilet seat is always left down! NOT FAIR! But truthfully, it restores my hope in fertility treatments. If it weren't for science these two people would have a difficult time realizing their dream of having a child in a world where some people view their relationship as wrong. Which is ridiculous in my opinion. They are more capable of raising a child than some heterosexuals I know.

And just in case you are still wondering about the movie I am watching, here is a little sample:

Yes, THIS is happening.