Mother's Day Spiral

I hate Mother's Day. I have for the last few years. I don't hate the idea of it, actually it is pretty nice and I agree A LOT of mothers don't get the recognition they deserve from their children. But I hate all the mother's who choose to tell each other how amazing they are and what great mothers they are and send the cheesy texts or posts on facebook. (especially when a few are complete shit moms who just managed to get pregnant and squeeze out a kid, which in my mind does NOT make you a good mother) The only person I choose to say Happy Mother's Day to is MY MOTHER. Not the one million other mothers on the planet. Does this make me sound mean and bitter? Probably to most. Did I cry yesterday, you bet your ass I did. Did it piss me off to sit there and everyone tell someone happy mother's day and then skip over me. Yep. Did it upset me when I got an awkward text from someone just trying to make me feel better. Sure did. Is there any way to please me in this situation? I am beginning to think not.

To MOST of the moms I know, you are great moms but please when you decide to delve into your "mom club" where you send out mass texts to all your other mom friends or posts on Facebook walls, please remember women like me who want to be a mom more than anything in the world and struggle. While it is a great day for moms, it is an extremely hard day for women who want to be mom's and can't.

50 Shades of what?!??!?!

So, I don't get what all the fuss was about 50 Shades. I liked it ok but didn't love it. The whole time I was reading it I was just waiting for something really big to happen or be revealed or for them to go back in the Red Room of Pain. And when they finally did, she cried, which was a let down for me. I thought should at least give this thing a spin a few times before having a complete meltdown. I guess after all the hype, I expected more. Hopefully it is all ahead of me though. I have only finished the first book and plan on knocking the other two out in the next few weeks. Have any of you read it? What did you think?

50 Shades of Grey

I have started reading 50 Shades of Grey because every other woman is and I like to just go with the herd sometimes. So far, the writing is horrible but I cannot quit reading! Is this what those romance novels are like? Because if so I have a new genre I need to explore!

So since I am reading this book and my blog is kinda sorta about sex, (How do you think babies get here, mom?) I have decided to share my opinion of 50 Shades here. Stay Tuned!

Note: I have no idea if my mom even reads my blog.

Keeping up with my uterus

I have decided to take up blogging again. I have at least a dozen followers (yeah, I am big time) that need to know what is or isn't going on with my uterus. Plus, I like trying to convey my feelings to complete strangers in (what I think is) a humorous way. So, I am back ladies and gentlemen and in a big way. I plan on being completely and brutally honest about myself and my infertility. In so many posts I censor what I have to say because I do not want to hurt any one's feelings or for people to take things the wrong way. No More I Say! I will attempt to never be rude or mean. But I will be honest. If I think it, I am typing it.

THINGS JUST GOT INTERESTING......

So I am a complete Facebook stalker. If I have ever known someone and can remember their last name, I have searched for them on Facebook. In most cases, I do not friend request because more than likely there is a reason I don't talk to that person anymore. So I search, find and gather intel until my curiosity has been satisfied or I hit a wall. I hate that Facebook let's people make their profiles private - even though mine is totally private.

But my other favorite is going through my friend's friends list. (See, I need a kid so I can have a life and not have to resort to this kind of stuff) I cannot tell you the thrill I get when I find someone knows someone I also know but we didn't know we knew the same person.

All this Facebooking opens me up to a whole new world of the dreaded, pregnancy announcements. But people I have officially reached a new low. I am now Facebook stalking pregnant people I do not know. Sad, huh? Like I don't have enough in my life, I now search out pregnancy announcements. I am a sick sick infertile.

Side note: I also decided to torture myself a little more and I recorded the Guiliana and Bill season premiere and special on surrogacy. I finally watched it last night when my husband was out. Things like that are best watched in a dark room in my jammies shoving spoonfuls of ice cream into my mouth. It was sobfest 2012 for this girl. I feel horrible about my Rancic post now because these people seem so awesome and so positive and I am not sure I could carry myself like that after everything she has been through. Also, where can I nominate Bill Rancic for husband of the year? Seriously, dude has some husband-ing SKILLS!!!!

The Rancics

So it has been a while since I posted but really nothing has been going on infertile wise. We are still "talking" or really "not talking but thinking" about adoption. And since there has been no actions taken, I really didn't want to bore you with how baby shower invites still upset me and other petty stuff.

However, that all changed today when I read that Giuliana and Bill Rancic are having a baby through a surrogate. I don't watch their show because honestly the infertility thing just hits a little too close to home. However, I knew a little about them through the celebrity gossip sites I visit (Don't judge!)

And here's my take. They are rich and famous. Of course she is getting her happy ending. (or beginning). What about the women out there like me who don't have the financial means to do more than one round of IVF (or even attempt IVF at all)?

I am honestly surprised by my own reaction. I always thought that when she got pregnant (or in this case had a surrogate) it would make me happy. But it doesn't at all. It pisses me off. I am completely jealous that it is happening for her and other women while I just stand on the sidelines.

Now the logical solutions, "do another round of IVF" or "start the adoption process" would be easy to do if money, my sanity and my marriage weren't at stake.

I am scared. We are scared. I am not going to lie. I am scared that we will go through it again and then my marriage will fall apart. Or I am scared I will start the adoption process and they will tell us we aren't fit to be parents. I imagine them telling me this in slow motion then stamping my file with "DENIED" in big red stamp letters.

So in pure Kelley fashion, I will just ignore the issue for now and keep on living my day to day life. One day at a time, right?

Kinda having an off day today

I normally get through my day to day routines without being sad about not having a family after 4 years or trying but for some reason today is a hard one. I don't know how to explain it other than it feels like I have been holding my breath for a really long time and I am unable to exhale.

The most frustrating part is that I am in this limbo stage. No treatments going on and none planned. No talk of treatments or adoption. I guess I feel like I am wasting time. I know this is a "mental break" that my husband and I both agreed on but I just feel like I should be doing something.

And what's more frustrating is when I read the blogs of women who have suceeded and gotten pregnant, I get more sad. Shouldn't I be happy? Shouldn't their stories be ones of inspiration for me? But instead, I sit here crying while I read them, wishing it was me.

I am just ready to exhale and put all this behind me.

Death and Infertility

So in my day to day life, I like to think that I appear normal. Even when my mind is screaming, I try to splash on a smile and walk on. This past week has been no different. My husband's stepfather passed away. We knew it was coming, but you can never prepare yourself enough. My Brother-in-law gave the eulogy and I was amazed by his strength. If I were in his shoes, I would be a blubbering mess that no one could understand. One thing he said (and I am paraphrasing) is that his father would never see his grandchildren attain certain goals (ie: graduation, marriage, college). All I could then think is that "he will never see our kids" and it made me even more sad than I was before (which was pretty sad!). My husband's step dad had a pretty big impact on his life and just knowing he will never have the chance to meet any child we have (either through adoption or a miracle of God) is heart breaking for me so I can only imagine how my husband feels.

Then I got angry with myself and my mind started to wander "Why couldn't everything just work out and he could have seen and spent some time with our child? Why am I even thinking about this in the middle of a funeral? Why does life have to be so hard sometimes? Why does that woman wear so much makeup?" No lie, these exact thoughts in that order went through my head.