Not this year.

Well unfortunately I didn't get exactly what I wanted for Christmas. Aunt Flow reared her ugly head the day after Christmas and it ruined my dreams of telling Josh I had one more gift for him and showing him a positive pregnancy test on New Years Eve. Yes, these are the fantasies I have now. No longer are they consumed with winning the lottery or being famous, now my fantasies consist of me peeing on a stick and seeing a + sign. (Kinda sad isn't it?). Well, maybe next Christmas. But my positive outlook of this miracle happening is getting less and less enthusiastic. Bleh.

I am not going to lie, I am BEAT DOWN with this infertility crap. I am tired of it consuming my life. Sure, I function on a daily basis, I get up, go to work, clean the house, pay the bills, and eat (too much) but I feel like I want to scream a LOT. My anxiety level over the last few years has SKY ROCKETED. It is the weirdest thing, I will be fine just going on with daily things and then I will get VERY TENSE. Sometimes there are triggers but other times, I can't tell you why I get this way. I just do and have to wait for it to pass.

I was asked the other day when the "old" Kelley will be coming back and it made me incredibly sad because the only answer I could give was "She isn't. this is who I am now" and I HATE it.

My Letter to Santa.

Dear Santa,

I think I have been pretty good this year minus a few hiccups here and there but who are we kidding here? No one is perfect. So here is my list:

1. Healthy Baby Girl or Boy (I am not picky) growing in my belly.
2. Iphone 4

Thanks,

Kelley

(Next step: going to sit on the fat man's lap to tell him in person. Hey, I am covering all my bases, our mail system isn't always reliable.)

31

I remember when I was a kid I LLLOOOOVVEEEDDDD my birthday. Loved it so much I had an entire birthday week dedicated to me getting a year older. Then I turned 29 and I wanted to stop time and not get a year older until I felt more accomplished in my life. The last three years, I have DREADED my birthday, mostly because I see my window for having a baby getting smaller and smaller but also because I can't help but think about the life I envisioned for myself at 30. Married, two kids (one girl and one boy), stay at home mom, room mother for kid's classes, going to soccer games and dance recitals on the weekends, doing mom things. It's weird how life takes you to places you never dreamed for yourself and sometimes doesn't take you to the places you always thought you belonged.

On a completely different subject, I have been extremely curious about how women who have struggled with infertility feel when they are finally pregnant? And when they finally hold that precious baby in their arms? Do you forget everything you went through and all the tears that have been shed? I am just curious because let's say I do get pregnant again eventually and make it past the 1st trimester (GASP!) When will I get to the point where I can take a deep breath and relax? After the first trimester? When I have the baby in my arms? When that baby turns 18? Will I ever relax? Probably not. (I am a spaz)