Mother's Day

I am very close to my mother (and when I say VERY close, I mean I would still let her carry me on her hip if I wasn't too heavy for her to carry around) So, Mother's Day doesn't sting as much as it could. I tend to just concentrate on her and what an awesome mom she is and leave it at that. Or at least I try. I can't help but add up the years sometimes though. I sometimes think, if I hadn't miscarried this would be my third Mother's Day or if if the result from IVF had been different, this would actually my first one. What if's can drive me crazy. And to top it off, I woke up Mother's Day morning to my monthly visitor and I just laughed. Of course I started THAT day. It seems like my body just wants to kick me when I am down. Now, in my uncrazy moments, I realize that I could probably turn any day I start my period into something in my mind (I am dramatic like that). But last month, starting on the day of a baby shower I had to attend then on Mother's Day? Come on body, or universe, or fate, or whoever or whatever decides this kind of stuff, cut this chick a break.

It seems like it is BABYPALOOZA around me with pregnant people or husbands of pregnant people (I found out 4 guys I work with have wives that are expecting). I am not kidding. I know at least 10 people who are expecting at the moment and one that just had one this past weekend. And with every announcement, I smile (if person is in front of me) but in my head I am screaming. I wonder when this will end for me? I need it to or I am contemplating cutting off all contact with outside world. (yeah right)

National Infertility Awareness Week (NIAW)

I had no idea this was even a "week". But now a days, it seems like there is a group or week for anything and everything so why not infertility? Sounds good to me.

If you know someone else who is having trouble starting a family, my advice is: BE SENSITIVE. Don't bring it up. If they want to talk about it, they will. I am very open about our struggles when I WANT to be. But when I am caught off guard by a question during normal conversation, I have very little time to decide how to respond. I don't want to be the "bitch" who says "I don't want to talk about it" so most of the time I just start spilling my guts, even if I don't want to. This is something I need to work on and I recognize that. But when I am put on the spot, I don't know how to react except go with the flow. Even if I am completely mortified and upset that I am having to talk about this when I am not ready and prepared. I am willing to talk about it but on my own terms.

Can a girl catch a break?

So, yesterday was a quiet day here around the office. I work in a suite with a few other ladies and they were all off yesterday so I was super excited about blaring my music loud and getting organized. I was sitting there making cover letters for some reports and enjoying every minute (yes I am that dorky) when another co-worker from the suite across the way came over and asked if I would mind helping wrap the baby shower gifts and decorating. I was SHOCKED to say the least. I had already given my whole uncomfortable spill about how "I don't do baby showers but would attend this one since it is during work hours...blah blah blah" when they asked me to help plan. I was feeling really good about setting my boundaries (which is something that is very hard for me to do in all aspects of my life) and then the same person asks me to help again. So what did I do? I helped. (I have the spine of a jellyfish)

So I went in there and hung bright pink "It's a Girl" signs, baby rattles and streamers across our conference room (looks like its been hosed down with pepto bismol - anyone get the reference?), the whole time trying to forget what the signs said and stood for. I am a trooper and I got through it though. I was thinking Ishould get a medal or something for this shit then it hit me and I cried.

I haven't let myself cry over this kind of stuff in a really long time. I thought I was getting better at dealing but I guess not. I was sad, jealous, angry, mad at myself for being selfish when I would like to just feel HAPPY for someone who is expecting. It was a lot of emotions going through me and I lost it. But I didnt' let myself get down for too long (there were happy hour drinks to be consumed!).

This morning I am still upset for not standing up for myself and my emotions the day before and right when I walk in to work, I am hit with it again. "Hey this sign fell, can you go hang it back up?" I didn't say a word, I just walked straight to the water cooler. When i get to my office the "It's a Girl" sign is laying on my desk. It took ALL OF ME not to freak out right there and start kicking ass. But I like my job for the most part and kinda need it for money and such, so I got a piece of tape, threw the sign against the wall and shoved the tape on the top corner (I didn't even care that the tape was showing at this point)

Now please note, I am very open in my life about my struggles and the people planning this shindig know everything I have been through. All I can think is that they didn't realize what they were doing was a bit too much. Until I finally told her

The final straw was when an email went out saying that I and another co-worker were to take care of the food set up. I was not asked about this at all and at this point I am way beyond my limit of what I can deal with regarding this shower. So I sent a very nice email back saying that I need to set limits and that I would appreciate it if someone else would take care of the food set up. I will attend the shower but that I cannot do anything else to prepare for it. I am VERY proud of myself for this. So I am sitting pretty tall after that and think that this was the extra oomph to get me through the baby shower.

I went, it seemed awkward at first but then I think some people kinda lightened up. (including myself) We had lunch, cupcakes, cookies, she opened her gifts and I could really tell she was genuinely surprised and excited. Went back to work after and then after a while when I went to potty, I saw it.....

I FUCKIN STARTED MY PERIOD.

Baby Shower Blues

So at some point a few months back I had officially decided that I would not attend another baby shower. I would send my regrets and a gift and be done with it. B/c let's face it, it's about the gifts.. You can go on and on about how it is about celebrating this new life but come on. I see right through it. I have yet to ever be invited to a shower where even if the invite said NO GIFTS, the mom to be gave the gift back if someone ignored the warning and so happened to bring one. So watching some adorable glowing woman open gift after tiny gift, while drinking punch and eating cake isn't worth the hours of tears I will cry later. I am happy for the mom to be, but I know my limits.

(Side Note: I realize that if I ever do get pregnant, I can NEVER have a shower after turning down invite after invite and stating it is all about the gifts. So, if the miracle ever does happen, I better win the lotto or go to Ellen's mother day special or my kid would be sleeping in the crate with Max and wearing potato sacks.)

Now back on subject, there is a surprise work shower for a co-worker and it is during business hours at our office so pretty much I am forced to go. I refuse to be the one cold hearted baby hatin' bitch who sits in her office eating her lunch while everyone else is at a shower less than 50 feet from her. So I am doing what I have learned very well to do over the past few years. Suck it up, smile and go to the shower. I will post how it goes on Tuesday. Wish me luck. I will be chanting this like a mantra :"I will not cry, I will not cry. Pass me another piece of cake. "

Paranoid take 2: Was I unfriended b/c you are pregnant?

So, I hate social media (but not enough to delete my account). And why do I hate it you ask? B/c it is just another way for someone not to talk to you. I was "un-friended" by someone a while back. Well actually I do not know how long ago I was "un-friended" b/c I didn't notice until someone pointed it out to me. Anywho, the point of this is that I automatically think "She is pregnant". Not "I wonder what I did to offend her? What did I say or not say" to get me the coldest of the cold in the friend arena - taking one off the friends list? Isn't that crazy that I automatically go to "SHE IS PREGNANT". Then I realized how conceited I am about this crap, it is all about how I feel and not how others feel when they have to tell me. (for that I am sorry and please know I do feel horrible that my friends cringe at the thought of telling me they are expecting) and why on earth would she take me off just b/c pregnant? I then realized that she probably just took me off b/c I said something to piss her off or I am boring, not to save me from her pregnancy talk/photos. How much have I let this consume me where I think people would take me off their friends' list b/c of it? I have officially reached the self absorbed infertility stage so next time you see me, punch me in the arm and tell me snap out of it.

Celebrity Pregnancies and other b*llshit

So now I not only have to worry about which friend is going to tell me she is pregnant next, I also have to sit back and watch all these celebrities who are way older than me, get knocked up (Alyssa Milano, Christina Applegate, Alicia Silverstone) and have babies. Any time I turn on to the celebrity tv shows (E Network, Extra - yes I watch this crap, don't judge) I now see something about someone getting pregnant. These shows used to be my escape from my infertile and childless life, now they just remind me of who I am. Then, one of the funniest shows on TV, has a storyline where the couple is trying to get pregnant and it is taking longer than they thought (I wish I could still say that to people - "its just taking a little longer than we thought"). So either which way, I will have to watch them suffer through infertility or watch her miraculously become pregnant and have a baby. I am not sure which is the worst of the two evils.

Here is the thing that I have decided bothers me the most, I can have a really nice car, travel more than I could if we had a child and sleep in on the weekends, but when we are old and unable to do things ourselves, who is going to be there to take care of us?

I wanna punch something.

That is it. I thought you all would like to know. I mean seriously.....PUNCH. SOMETHING. and CRY. And then eat ice cream while I get a pedicure to make me feel better. Ice cream with cookies in it. Yeah, that would do the trick.