My Annual Appointment

I dread it every year. It was last week and it was horrible! Ever since we did our first IUI years ago (has it really been years? :sigh:) I get really bad anxiety when I go to the Doctor. ANY DOCTOR. So you can only imagine how freaked out I get at my annual visit to my OBGYN.

When I pull up, I brace myself for all the pregnant bellies I will have to stare at in the waiting room. My favorites are the girls who look like they are in high school. Fertile little sluts (I am joking!) Well I dodged a bullet this day because it was me and a few other women who from the looks of them weren't pregnant or at least not showing. I am called back pretty quickly and think "sweet, let's just get through this as fast as I can so I don't have to slit my wrists"

I go back and the nurse asks me all the normal questions, takes my weight and blood pressure (both were higher than I had hoped). I go get naked with my gown and cheap paper sheet over my goods and wait........................and wait..............here's come more anxiety............wait................here comes the red splotches on my chest............wait...............face getting hot................where is that doctor??

I don't know how long I sat in that room freaking myself out but it seemed like an eternity. He comes in and asks the normal questions, congratulates me on quitting smoking, asks about the frozen cycle. I was pretty detached from the conversation. I just wanted to get dressed, cool down and get the hell out of there without crying. He did the exam while we talked about Black Friday (yes, it was as awkward as it sounds) and then he said he wanted to recheck my blood pressure.

So I got dressed and went out to the nurse's station so she could take it again. Right as she puts the cuff on, he starts talking to me about how he had been at a conference for two day prior about weight loss and infertility. He said when women are actively trying to lose weight their infertility goes down but then once they are at a comfortable weight it goes back up and that maybe that could help me. Well guess what? My blood pressure actually went up the second time and I think it is because he was talking about the two subjects that give me the MOST anxiety: infertility and weight. He told me I needed to get it checked out in the next few months because every time I come in it has been a little high. I have explained before that it is him and his office. My mom has a blood pressure machine and when i take it over there, it is fine.

At this point, I had completely checked out of the situation. I wanted the cuff off my arm and was ready to hit the door running. Yes, I know I need to lose weight and I am constantly trying but not so I can miraculously get pregnant. That isn't going to happen. Because unless me losing weight can help with my left ovary not producing eggs or my husband's low sperm count and motility, it is a longshot that it would help our situation.

October FAIL

So I signed up for ICLW and then didn't even bother to leave one comment. Not from lack of trying. I would sign and and go to the list but it seemed like every blog I clicked on was either "expecting", was in the middle of a cycle or their two week wait. These stories used to inspire me to keep pressing on, try again and again. Now, they just completely beat me down. Where are the blogs for those who have lost hope or the ones who are done with fertility treatments but haven't quite moved on to adoption. Where are the "currently in limbo" bloggers at?

I am "fine"

Women say this all the time and it should be obvious when these statement is uttered, normally it is far from the truth. I have no idea why I do this or why I even try to pretend I am "fine" when I am clearly not. I have a lot of emotions I am trying to work through now and the worst part is I do not feel like anyone understands my feelings. When I try to open up, I get dumbfounded looks and "I am sorry" or someone just changes the subject. I understand people don't know what to say but I cannot stand hearing "I am sorry" anymore or seeing another :( on texts. I am sad. I am angry. I am lonely. I am so many different things that I don't know how to process it anymore. And more than anything I am tired of acting like I am ok with everything. I am not ok with it. I don't want to hear about pregnancies, baby showers, sonograms, anything to do with pregnancy anytime soon. Everyone just expects me to "get over it" or not talk about it anymore. If I hear I "should just be happy with the good things I have" one more time, I am more than likely going to freak out on that person. Unless you have ever dealt with this, you have NO idea what I am going through. I guess it is just so frustrating because even when I am in a group of family and friends I still feel alone.

The Secret Cycle - Farewell IVF

It has been so hard not being able to post all the blogs regarding our secret cycle but we used our last frozen embryo last month and I got the results of blood work this morning. It was negative, which we fully expected since I started bleeding and cramping last night. I am sad but also I feel this great sense of relief. It is over. I did everything in my power to make this work and it didn't. I know now I have one of the strongest marriages of anyone I know because Josh and I went through this together and even though we didn't get the results we wished for, we came out the other end and we are still united, in love and have a stronger bond then we have ever had.

What's next? Hawaii next summer with Josh's parents and I cannot wait. Josh and I referred to this cycle as baby or aloha so Hawaii get ready! The Franklins are heading your way and plan on drinking A LOT, snorkeling all day long and staying up to see the sun rise at least once!

I am not going to make any final decisions but head, heart and uterus are telling me we are done with IVF. Not only does it take an emotional toll on me, but I worry about what all the drugs do to my body. I really feel at peace with this and think in a year Josh and I will re-evaluate and look at other options to be parents. Do I still want children? Of course. Am I stuck on them being my biological children? Not as much as I once was. All I know is even though we don't have kids, Josh and I are still a family and we have some furry kids to get us by for now.

For those of you who are still pursuing your dreams of children either through fertility treatments or adoption, Good Luck, I wish you the best and babies for you all.

I went ahead and posted all the blogs below that I have kept as drafts through this cycle just so you know how everything went down. They are in between the ones I was posting so here is a list if you want to check them out in order go from farthest back to most recent:

1. Consultation
2. Accupuncture
3. That is a beautiful uterus
4. Transfer Date
5. Wanna be Kardashian on transfer day
6. I am a googlin' fool

Kelley

The Dreaded Facebook Announcement

How horrible is that someone announcing they are expecting on facebook puts me into a bad mood? Doesn't even matter if it is an aquaintance or my best friend. It upsets me everytime. Then I feel bad that someone else's happiest moment in their life pisses me off. And I actually then count the number of people I know are pregnant then I write myself off because what are the chances that I would know 11 people who are pregnant and then be the 12th. (this is an accurate number in my life right now - 11)

I know it doesn't work that way. It's not like God is sitting up there saying "I reached my limit of pregnancies this month, maybe next time Franklin". But in my crazy head, this is what I think occurs every time someone else I know pops up pregnant. I think "great, she is pregnant so that means I can't be" which is ludicrous!

OK Honesty time: When someone announces they are pregnant on Facebook, I become a psycho stalker for at least a day. I read everyone's congrats and comments (never commenting myself if person knows about our struggle to start a family because I do not want to draw attention to my infertile uterus). Then I go back and read past status updates looking for posts that imply pregnancy (ex: I am so tired or I have felt under the weather lately - these two always trip my pregnancy radar).

So just know if we are friends on Facebook and you are pregnant, I am totally stalking your page. Maybe if I read enough and look at enough ultrasound pics, it will rub off on me?

I am a googlin' fool!!

So I would like to think from the outside looking in, I look pretty calm, cool and collected, normal and put together. No one would know that I am currently in my 2WW. I know I have done everything I can possibly do to make this work, now it is up to God. But that doesn't stop me from researching on the internet how things went down for other infertiles!! It is like my little guilty pleasure. When I am alone I start googlin' all kinds of IVF stuff. Here is a little sample:

• "How many days post transfer positive BFP"



• "5BB embryo IVF"



• "nausea after IVF"



• "Frozen cycle HPT"

The list is embarrasingly longer than this but I still have some dignity so you only get a sample of my googling subjects. Some people obsess over HPTs and buy tons of them only to hide them in drawers and under cabinets and quietly pee on when they are alone, hoping to see the second line. Luckily, I am not one of those (I am very cheap and don't want to waste the money on tests) but I am a secret google fool, which I know is even worse than peeing on a stick every morning. I have read every "what if" scenario out there and it doesn't make me feel any better or any worse. I HAVE TO STOP!!!! Gotta go, just realized I haven't googled "FET 31 year old 5bb embryo grade" - See I am crazy!!!

Wanna Be Kardashian on Transfer Day

Can I tell you how HARD it is not telling anyone what is going on!!! So we had our plan down for the transfer. Josh takes me to work in AM, picks me up around 11:45, drops me off at acupuncture, picks me up again, I pop my Valium as he drives me to RE's office in Las Colinas for transfer, Dr comes in transfer sweet little frozen angel into my awaiting and very hospitable uterus, lay in room relaxed and chillin' for approximately 20-30 minutes then we head home where I lay on my back or side for the remainder of the day. Perfect plan, right?

Until my Dad calls Josh to tell him he bought a new TV and needs him to come over and help him. Josh and I are both VERY bad liars. Josh tells dad OK and starts to head over there, then calls me to tell me. (it is approximately 11AM at this point so I start to go into freak out mode) Josh calms me down and says he is going to unload the TV and then tell Dad he has to go to take me to the dentist b/c I have a toothache (which would explain why I was grouchy on Sunday when we were at their house - truth: I had just changed my estrogen patch that morning and it tends to put me on edge). Thank God they bought it! I was about to just give in and tell them what was going on b/c the sneaking around and hiding is too much for me at this point. But Josh took care of it and we were on our way and no one was the wiser.

Everything else worked out ahead of schedule. So good that we were able to waste about 40 minutes before the appointment in Target (I LOVE IT THERE!) where I went ahead and purchased myself a transfer present. Nothing too big, just a new pair of big sunglasses.

So I walked into the clinic feeling good, like a fertile Kardashian Wanna-Be in my new big sassy sunglasses and was ready to get the show on the road. I had a Valium, acupuncture and a trip to Target, this is as relaxed as I will ever be.

After the transfer I find myself "clinching" down there. Both times I have thought I need to do this to ensure the embryo doesn't fall out. I know it is ridiculous but I can't help it! I also try not to go to the bathroom for a long time b/c I am scared I will pee the embryo out, which I know is crazy since the embryo is in a completely different "area"!! But that is what infertility does to you. It makes you completely nuts!

So now we wait. My first blood test is Sept 22nd and then if that comes back positive, I will do another one to make sure numbers are rising, then a little later I will go in for sono to see heartbeat (you know the drill!) So I have been thinking lots of sticky thoughts and taking it easy. STICK STICK STICK!