Keeping up with my uterus

I have decided to take up blogging again. I have at least a dozen followers (yeah, I am big time) that need to know what is or isn't going on with my uterus. Plus, I like trying to convey my feelings to complete strangers in (what I think is) a humorous way. So, I am back ladies and gentlemen and in a big way. I plan on being completely and brutally honest about myself and my infertility. In so many posts I censor what I have to say because I do not want to hurt any one's feelings or for people to take things the wrong way. No More I Say! I will attempt to never be rude or mean. But I will be honest. If I think it, I am typing it.

THINGS JUST GOT INTERESTING......

So I am a complete Facebook stalker. If I have ever known someone and can remember their last name, I have searched for them on Facebook. In most cases, I do not friend request because more than likely there is a reason I don't talk to that person anymore. So I search, find and gather intel until my curiosity has been satisfied or I hit a wall. I hate that Facebook let's people make their profiles private - even though mine is totally private.

But my other favorite is going through my friend's friends list. (See, I need a kid so I can have a life and not have to resort to this kind of stuff) I cannot tell you the thrill I get when I find someone knows someone I also know but we didn't know we knew the same person.

All this Facebooking opens me up to a whole new world of the dreaded, pregnancy announcements. But people I have officially reached a new low. I am now Facebook stalking pregnant people I do not know. Sad, huh? Like I don't have enough in my life, I now search out pregnancy announcements. I am a sick sick infertile.

Side note: I also decided to torture myself a little more and I recorded the Guiliana and Bill season premiere and special on surrogacy. I finally watched it last night when my husband was out. Things like that are best watched in a dark room in my jammies shoving spoonfuls of ice cream into my mouth. It was sobfest 2012 for this girl. I feel horrible about my Rancic post now because these people seem so awesome and so positive and I am not sure I could carry myself like that after everything she has been through. Also, where can I nominate Bill Rancic for husband of the year? Seriously, dude has some husband-ing SKILLS!!!!

The Rancics

So it has been a while since I posted but really nothing has been going on infertile wise. We are still "talking" or really "not talking but thinking" about adoption. And since there has been no actions taken, I really didn't want to bore you with how baby shower invites still upset me and other petty stuff.

However, that all changed today when I read that Giuliana and Bill Rancic are having a baby through a surrogate. I don't watch their show because honestly the infertility thing just hits a little too close to home. However, I knew a little about them through the celebrity gossip sites I visit (Don't judge!)

And here's my take. They are rich and famous. Of course she is getting her happy ending. (or beginning). What about the women out there like me who don't have the financial means to do more than one round of IVF (or even attempt IVF at all)?

I am honestly surprised by my own reaction. I always thought that when she got pregnant (or in this case had a surrogate) it would make me happy. But it doesn't at all. It pisses me off. I am completely jealous that it is happening for her and other women while I just stand on the sidelines.

Now the logical solutions, "do another round of IVF" or "start the adoption process" would be easy to do if money, my sanity and my marriage weren't at stake.

I am scared. We are scared. I am not going to lie. I am scared that we will go through it again and then my marriage will fall apart. Or I am scared I will start the adoption process and they will tell us we aren't fit to be parents. I imagine them telling me this in slow motion then stamping my file with "DENIED" in big red stamp letters.

So in pure Kelley fashion, I will just ignore the issue for now and keep on living my day to day life. One day at a time, right?

Kinda having an off day today

I normally get through my day to day routines without being sad about not having a family after 4 years or trying but for some reason today is a hard one. I don't know how to explain it other than it feels like I have been holding my breath for a really long time and I am unable to exhale.

The most frustrating part is that I am in this limbo stage. No treatments going on and none planned. No talk of treatments or adoption. I guess I feel like I am wasting time. I know this is a "mental break" that my husband and I both agreed on but I just feel like I should be doing something.

And what's more frustrating is when I read the blogs of women who have suceeded and gotten pregnant, I get more sad. Shouldn't I be happy? Shouldn't their stories be ones of inspiration for me? But instead, I sit here crying while I read them, wishing it was me.

I am just ready to exhale and put all this behind me.

Death and Infertility

So in my day to day life, I like to think that I appear normal. Even when my mind is screaming, I try to splash on a smile and walk on. This past week has been no different. My husband's stepfather passed away. We knew it was coming, but you can never prepare yourself enough. My Brother-in-law gave the eulogy and I was amazed by his strength. If I were in his shoes, I would be a blubbering mess that no one could understand. One thing he said (and I am paraphrasing) is that his father would never see his grandchildren attain certain goals (ie: graduation, marriage, college). All I could then think is that "he will never see our kids" and it made me even more sad than I was before (which was pretty sad!). My husband's step dad had a pretty big impact on his life and just knowing he will never have the chance to meet any child we have (either through adoption or a miracle of God) is heart breaking for me so I can only imagine how my husband feels.

Then I got angry with myself and my mind started to wander "Why couldn't everything just work out and he could have seen and spent some time with our child? Why am I even thinking about this in the middle of a funeral? Why does life have to be so hard sometimes? Why does that woman wear so much makeup?" No lie, these exact thoughts in that order went through my head.

My Annual Appointment

I dread it every year. It was last week and it was horrible! Ever since we did our first IUI years ago (has it really been years? :sigh:) I get really bad anxiety when I go to the Doctor. ANY DOCTOR. So you can only imagine how freaked out I get at my annual visit to my OBGYN.

When I pull up, I brace myself for all the pregnant bellies I will have to stare at in the waiting room. My favorites are the girls who look like they are in high school. Fertile little sluts (I am joking!) Well I dodged a bullet this day because it was me and a few other women who from the looks of them weren't pregnant or at least not showing. I am called back pretty quickly and think "sweet, let's just get through this as fast as I can so I don't have to slit my wrists"

I go back and the nurse asks me all the normal questions, takes my weight and blood pressure (both were higher than I had hoped). I go get naked with my gown and cheap paper sheet over my goods and wait........................and wait..............here's come more anxiety............wait................here comes the red splotches on my chest............wait...............face getting hot................where is that doctor??

I don't know how long I sat in that room freaking myself out but it seemed like an eternity. He comes in and asks the normal questions, congratulates me on quitting smoking, asks about the frozen cycle. I was pretty detached from the conversation. I just wanted to get dressed, cool down and get the hell out of there without crying. He did the exam while we talked about Black Friday (yes, it was as awkward as it sounds) and then he said he wanted to recheck my blood pressure.

So I got dressed and went out to the nurse's station so she could take it again. Right as she puts the cuff on, he starts talking to me about how he had been at a conference for two day prior about weight loss and infertility. He said when women are actively trying to lose weight their infertility goes down but then once they are at a comfortable weight it goes back up and that maybe that could help me. Well guess what? My blood pressure actually went up the second time and I think it is because he was talking about the two subjects that give me the MOST anxiety: infertility and weight. He told me I needed to get it checked out in the next few months because every time I come in it has been a little high. I have explained before that it is him and his office. My mom has a blood pressure machine and when i take it over there, it is fine.

At this point, I had completely checked out of the situation. I wanted the cuff off my arm and was ready to hit the door running. Yes, I know I need to lose weight and I am constantly trying but not so I can miraculously get pregnant. That isn't going to happen. Because unless me losing weight can help with my left ovary not producing eggs or my husband's low sperm count and motility, it is a longshot that it would help our situation.

October FAIL

So I signed up for ICLW and then didn't even bother to leave one comment. Not from lack of trying. I would sign and and go to the list but it seemed like every blog I clicked on was either "expecting", was in the middle of a cycle or their two week wait. These stories used to inspire me to keep pressing on, try again and again. Now, they just completely beat me down. Where are the blogs for those who have lost hope or the ones who are done with fertility treatments but haven't quite moved on to adoption. Where are the "currently in limbo" bloggers at?

I am "fine"

Women say this all the time and it should be obvious when these statement is uttered, normally it is far from the truth. I have no idea why I do this or why I even try to pretend I am "fine" when I am clearly not. I have a lot of emotions I am trying to work through now and the worst part is I do not feel like anyone understands my feelings. When I try to open up, I get dumbfounded looks and "I am sorry" or someone just changes the subject. I understand people don't know what to say but I cannot stand hearing "I am sorry" anymore or seeing another :( on texts. I am sad. I am angry. I am lonely. I am so many different things that I don't know how to process it anymore. And more than anything I am tired of acting like I am ok with everything. I am not ok with it. I don't want to hear about pregnancies, baby showers, sonograms, anything to do with pregnancy anytime soon. Everyone just expects me to "get over it" or not talk about it anymore. If I hear I "should just be happy with the good things I have" one more time, I am more than likely going to freak out on that person. Unless you have ever dealt with this, you have NO idea what I am going through. I guess it is just so frustrating because even when I am in a group of family and friends I still feel alone.