I wanna punch something.

That is it. I thought you all would like to know. I mean seriously.....PUNCH. SOMETHING. and CRY. And then eat ice cream while I get a pedicure to make me feel better. Ice cream with cookies in it. Yeah, that would do the trick.

It comes in 3s right?

In the past week, I have found out that three different people I know are pregnant so hoping that is it for a while but I have a sneaking suspicion it isn't and there may be a 4th person popping up soon. Just to reiterate, it isn't that I am not happy for these couples, it is that I am selfish and wish it was me. It isn't that I don't want others to be pregnant, I would just like to be pregnant with them or before them or heck, after them. Beggars can't be choosers and I will take what I can get.

It's one of those things where I feel like everyone is moving on with life and I am still stuck in this infertile limbo stage. A light just went off in my head and I realized Dante should have made this a level of hell!!!! Kinda funny in one way but in another, so not cool.

Infertility Etiquette

A friend of mine sent me this link today and since reading it, I have decided to share it with my family and friends. I do not expect anyone to know how I feel (and I wouldn't wish it on anyone either) but I would like friends and family to know how to talk to me and I think this gives a little insight and advice on how to deal with the "crazy" infertile.


http://www.resolve.org/support-and-services/for-family--friends/infertility-etiquette.html

Not this year.

Well unfortunately I didn't get exactly what I wanted for Christmas. Aunt Flow reared her ugly head the day after Christmas and it ruined my dreams of telling Josh I had one more gift for him and showing him a positive pregnancy test on New Years Eve. Yes, these are the fantasies I have now. No longer are they consumed with winning the lottery or being famous, now my fantasies consist of me peeing on a stick and seeing a + sign. (Kinda sad isn't it?). Well, maybe next Christmas. But my positive outlook of this miracle happening is getting less and less enthusiastic. Bleh.

I am not going to lie, I am BEAT DOWN with this infertility crap. I am tired of it consuming my life. Sure, I function on a daily basis, I get up, go to work, clean the house, pay the bills, and eat (too much) but I feel like I want to scream a LOT. My anxiety level over the last few years has SKY ROCKETED. It is the weirdest thing, I will be fine just going on with daily things and then I will get VERY TENSE. Sometimes there are triggers but other times, I can't tell you why I get this way. I just do and have to wait for it to pass.

I was asked the other day when the "old" Kelley will be coming back and it made me incredibly sad because the only answer I could give was "She isn't. this is who I am now" and I HATE it.

My Letter to Santa.

Dear Santa,

I think I have been pretty good this year minus a few hiccups here and there but who are we kidding here? No one is perfect. So here is my list:

1. Healthy Baby Girl or Boy (I am not picky) growing in my belly.
2. Iphone 4

Thanks,

Kelley

(Next step: going to sit on the fat man's lap to tell him in person. Hey, I am covering all my bases, our mail system isn't always reliable.)

31

I remember when I was a kid I LLLOOOOVVEEEDDDD my birthday. Loved it so much I had an entire birthday week dedicated to me getting a year older. Then I turned 29 and I wanted to stop time and not get a year older until I felt more accomplished in my life. The last three years, I have DREADED my birthday, mostly because I see my window for having a baby getting smaller and smaller but also because I can't help but think about the life I envisioned for myself at 30. Married, two kids (one girl and one boy), stay at home mom, room mother for kid's classes, going to soccer games and dance recitals on the weekends, doing mom things. It's weird how life takes you to places you never dreamed for yourself and sometimes doesn't take you to the places you always thought you belonged.

On a completely different subject, I have been extremely curious about how women who have struggled with infertility feel when they are finally pregnant? And when they finally hold that precious baby in their arms? Do you forget everything you went through and all the tears that have been shed? I am just curious because let's say I do get pregnant again eventually and make it past the 1st trimester (GASP!) When will I get to the point where I can take a deep breath and relax? After the first trimester? When I have the baby in my arms? When that baby turns 18? Will I ever relax? Probably not. (I am a spaz)

Mouse on a wheel

Sometimes I feel like no matter how hard I try I am never going to get where I want to be. Most days I just ignore that fact that we can't get pregnant. I go along my daily routine trying not to think about what cycle day I am on, if I am ovulating, or if I were to get pregnant right now, when the due date would be.

But then there are days like today....Where I can't concentrate because of something that was said to me which caused me to spiral down into all my "infertile emotions" again. I desperately want to have a child. But not just for me. I want one for Josh and my parents I think more than I want one for myself. I have been told by both parties they are fine with either outcome so I try to find some peace in that. That I am not letting anyone down but myself and that I can deal with. But then little things slip out and it comes to my attention that they do want me to have a child. My mom does want to be a grandma. For those who don't know my mom, when you look at her you just know she was meant to be a mother and a grandmother. She just has that aura around her. And if you know me at all, you know I HATE to let people down. Especially my parents.

That's it really. Just having a "down" day and felt like I needed to get that off my chest since I still do not have a counselor. Yeah, I figure why pay them when I can just type everything I need to say on here for free? The whole world is my counselor.