Not this year.

Well unfortunately I didn't get exactly what I wanted for Christmas. Aunt Flow reared her ugly head the day after Christmas and it ruined my dreams of telling Josh I had one more gift for him and showing him a positive pregnancy test on New Years Eve. Yes, these are the fantasies I have now. No longer are they consumed with winning the lottery or being famous, now my fantasies consist of me peeing on a stick and seeing a + sign. (Kinda sad isn't it?). Well, maybe next Christmas. But my positive outlook of this miracle happening is getting less and less enthusiastic. Bleh.

I am not going to lie, I am BEAT DOWN with this infertility crap. I am tired of it consuming my life. Sure, I function on a daily basis, I get up, go to work, clean the house, pay the bills, and eat (too much) but I feel like I want to scream a LOT. My anxiety level over the last few years has SKY ROCKETED. It is the weirdest thing, I will be fine just going on with daily things and then I will get VERY TENSE. Sometimes there are triggers but other times, I can't tell you why I get this way. I just do and have to wait for it to pass.

I was asked the other day when the "old" Kelley will be coming back and it made me incredibly sad because the only answer I could give was "She isn't. this is who I am now" and I HATE it.

My Letter to Santa.

Dear Santa,

I think I have been pretty good this year minus a few hiccups here and there but who are we kidding here? No one is perfect. So here is my list:

1. Healthy Baby Girl or Boy (I am not picky) growing in my belly.
2. Iphone 4

Thanks,

Kelley

(Next step: going to sit on the fat man's lap to tell him in person. Hey, I am covering all my bases, our mail system isn't always reliable.)

31

I remember when I was a kid I LLLOOOOVVEEEDDDD my birthday. Loved it so much I had an entire birthday week dedicated to me getting a year older. Then I turned 29 and I wanted to stop time and not get a year older until I felt more accomplished in my life. The last three years, I have DREADED my birthday, mostly because I see my window for having a baby getting smaller and smaller but also because I can't help but think about the life I envisioned for myself at 30. Married, two kids (one girl and one boy), stay at home mom, room mother for kid's classes, going to soccer games and dance recitals on the weekends, doing mom things. It's weird how life takes you to places you never dreamed for yourself and sometimes doesn't take you to the places you always thought you belonged.

On a completely different subject, I have been extremely curious about how women who have struggled with infertility feel when they are finally pregnant? And when they finally hold that precious baby in their arms? Do you forget everything you went through and all the tears that have been shed? I am just curious because let's say I do get pregnant again eventually and make it past the 1st trimester (GASP!) When will I get to the point where I can take a deep breath and relax? After the first trimester? When I have the baby in my arms? When that baby turns 18? Will I ever relax? Probably not. (I am a spaz)

Mouse on a wheel

Sometimes I feel like no matter how hard I try I am never going to get where I want to be. Most days I just ignore that fact that we can't get pregnant. I go along my daily routine trying not to think about what cycle day I am on, if I am ovulating, or if I were to get pregnant right now, when the due date would be.

But then there are days like today....Where I can't concentrate because of something that was said to me which caused me to spiral down into all my "infertile emotions" again. I desperately want to have a child. But not just for me. I want one for Josh and my parents I think more than I want one for myself. I have been told by both parties they are fine with either outcome so I try to find some peace in that. That I am not letting anyone down but myself and that I can deal with. But then little things slip out and it comes to my attention that they do want me to have a child. My mom does want to be a grandma. For those who don't know my mom, when you look at her you just know she was meant to be a mother and a grandmother. She just has that aura around her. And if you know me at all, you know I HATE to let people down. Especially my parents.

That's it really. Just having a "down" day and felt like I needed to get that off my chest since I still do not have a counselor. Yeah, I figure why pay them when I can just type everything I need to say on here for free? The whole world is my counselor.

Scentsy for a baby!

I sent out the following email to friends and family so thought I should share the news here too since it does have to do with our last frozen embryo:

Happy Friday!

I am just now starting to sell Scentsy and was hoping that ya’ll could help give me a jump start. I decided to sell Scentsy to help my husband, Josh, and I realize our dream of being parents and pay for our frozen IVF cycle in the next year. Here is a little background on our infertility struggles:

• Started TTC in September 2007
  Got pregnant the old fashioned way in March 2008 and miscarried in May.
  TTC for over a year without luck
  1 unsuccessful IUI in June 2009
  1 successful IVF in October 2009, which also resulted in miscarriage.
  Now we just take things one day at a time and pray for a miracle until we have enough money for our frozen cycle.

As you may or may not know, infertility procedures and meds are VERY EXPENSIVE and insurance rarely covers anything so we need some extra cash. I was already SCENTSY CRAZY in my house and car, so thought I would give this a try. This product is amazing. I have had friends, family and strangers (the plumber!) comment about how nice my house smells and all I use is Scentsy.

If you aren't sure what Scentsy is or you are interested in purchasing, selling Scentsy with me or hosting a home or basket party, please let me know or visit my website. You can buy online too! :)

https://kelleyfranklin.scentsy.us/Home

For those of you who don't know, a basket party is there one person signs up to host and then they have 10-14 days where they have catalogs, order forms, and sample scents (in a basket, get it?!) and try to get as many people to order as possible and they still get the host points! :) You still get all the perks of being a host but don't have to clean your house for guests! SCORE!

*The first three people to book either a home or basket party with me will receive a free gift.* (on top of the hostess points)

Note: I am not going to harass you to buy Scentsy (people like that get on my nerves too) Unless you ask for more information, this will be the only email I send to you. But please feel free to forward email onto anyone you think may be interested.

Check with me before you eat anything out of our freezer!

We have one embryo left and I finally got our renewal notice in the mail the other day. We have decided to renew for another year even though I am no where near the point of getting that sucker implanted in my uterus. Just the thought makes me want to go to bed and not get up for a week. I wish there was something they could do just to knock me out for the waiting period and then wake me up and tell me "You are pregnant" or "Sorry it didn't work". Well wait, then let's go a step further and knock me out until the first trimester is over or EVEN BETTER, let me be out the whole 9 months. That way there is no chance I could drive myself and Josh crazy.

I guess I should look into the testing before I even entertain the thought of doing anything with this last little egg. I was happy to know that if we decide not to go through with the last egg, we can donate it to someone else. But then I started thinking how messed up that is. 1. Why would someone want an infertile's egg? and 2. That is OUR egg and you bet your sweet butt the clinic is going to charge whoever they give it to something for it. If we donate it, shouldn't we get a cut of that? I mean it is our egg and sperm. Give it to me, I will pop it in our freezer and check out the street value.

Awkward Family Photos

We all have websites we check daily to waste time. This site makes me laugh every time I look at it.

http://awkwardfamilyphotos.com/

The latest post I keep going back to and laugh every time:

http://awkwardfamilyphotos.com/2010/08/19/flower-girls/

Seriously, if you don't laugh at that little girl's face, you have no sense of humor. I am laughing right now just thinking about it.

Happy Tuesday!