Blogging from Bed

I wish I could tell you everything is going great, no cramps, no blood, no complaints but that just hasn't been the case. I woke up yesterday morning to some mild bleeding (more like dark brown discharge) and no cramping. Of course, I automatically think the worst and go into hysterics. I couldn't see or breathe, I was so upset and there was no consoling me. So Josh called in the big guns, Mom. She came over, calmed me down in a way only my mom can and took me back to her house for a day of Mommy time. As the day went on, the bleeding didn't get worse so I calmed down and just racked it up to a little implantation bleeding.

This morning, I woke up at 5:40 to go potty and there was definite blood on the toilet paper when I wiped. Hysterics, take two. I pretty much cried all morning then called the Dr at 8 right when they opened and told them what is going on. She didn't sound as horrified or concerned as I would have thought and told me she would ask the Dr. and call me back.

So I went to work and kept my phone by my side the entire day. Even when I left my desk, I had it in my hand, waiting for the call. Eventually they called back and recommended I start taking injections to thicken my uterus and if I would like I could come in and the nurse would show me how to draw the thick medicine into the needle and inject me the first time so we know what we are doing. This medicine has to go into a muscle so the needle is bigger, which makes me extremely nervous. But when the nurse injected me today it didn't hurt. Hopefully when Josh does it tomorrow, it won't hurt either. They also told me I need to be on bed rest until my PG test on Thursday then we will go from there. So yes, I am typing this from hour 4 of bed rest and already I am going a little stir crazy. As today went on, the bleeding and cramps got progressively worse and reminded me of either the period from hell or when I miscarried. I am still trying to hold out hope that at least one of the little embryos is still holding on for his/her life but it is getting harder and harder to remain positive.

At this point, they can't tell me if I am miscarrying one or both the embryos or if this is just some weird funky thing my uterus is doing. The cramping was pretty bad this afternoon but tonight it seems much better and I think that has to be a good sign. So now we wait. I am still scheduled to go back in on Thursday for blood work then we will have a better idea of what is happening now.

I also had to tell my work today, which was a very nerve racking thought. I had not told my boss about any of the fertility treatments so I think she was surprised to hear any of this. It's not like I thought my boss would tell me "No, you have to miscarry at work" but I have already used all my vacation/personal time this year and so not really sure how this is going to work. I know, I know.....and I am trying not to worry about it until after all this is over. We did talk about me getting set up to work from home (and bed) and our new IT guy is supposed to come over tomorrow to set me up on my personal laptop. So hopefully that won't be stressful.

So please keep up thoughts and prayers. We need them now more than ever. I know they say God will only give you as much as you can handle. Well, THIS IS IT. I cannot handle anymore. I need positive things only for a while or I will go crazy. (and I am not just talking stir crazy)

How can two teeny tiny embryos make me go crazy?

Well I was all positive Polly at first but the wait is killing me and I can slow see my positivity lowering. Do I feel any different? Kinda, but then I think is it all psychosomatic and maybe I am not really as tired as I think I am or my mind is causing me to feel these cramps that I think are implantation cramps. Then I think "No, keep thinking positive." then back to double guessing myself....and then repeat cycle until I think my head is going to explode.

Yes, it is official. Over the last six weeks I have lost my mind and have reached my limit of things I can take. I am sitting here at work today (feeling like I will never completely catch up from being out 2 days this week for the embryo transfer) and our accountant comes up to tell us she is going to be a grandma. OK, I can deal with that (I already knew anyways. At our company, things travel at light speed). Not what I needed to hear.

People have said "oh but you will appreciate it so much more because of everything you have gone through". I can't say I agree with this. I couldn't tell my friends who got easily pregnant that I appreciate what I have or I love my child more just because I went through heartache to get him/her here. It is a nice thought, but just isn't the case.

I know I can't escape people getting pregnant and I know I can't escape my situation either but at this point, I wish I could just push fast forward to get to my happy ending/beginning.

Meet the lucky ones.

Here is the picture of the two luckiest embryos in the world! (well in Josh's and my world).

The transfer went great and we found out yesterday that we have one extra that froze beautifully. (I have always wanted to try something that freezes beautifully) For those who don't get it, that is a Steel Magnolias quote! :) Two of the little guys quit growing the day before the transfer but one is better than none as a back up! I really don't think we will even need it. But it is good to have a tiny bit of insurance. I am happy to get the three in the end since Dr. Le was concerned about getting one out in the beginning! I tripled his expectations!

The transfer was bizarre and exciting. I went into this small exam room and was told to do the normal (undress from waist down and put sheet over me) Then the embryologist came in and brought us the picture of the little embryos. Then more waiting! Finally Dr. Le came in and performed a quick trial transfer just to be sure he could get past my cervix easily. Then this other door opened and burst of cold air came flooding into the room. And in walks the embryologist with my little embryos in a catheter (almost in slow motion). Behind her I could see all this crazy science stuff. It looked like a bunch of cryogenic freezers for midgets back there since all the little chambers were so short. Then Dr Le put the embryos into my awaiting belly with a catheter and that was it. He said he really thought this would work, shook both mine and Josh's hands and said Good Luck. I had to lay down for 30 minutes so Josh went and got my mom from waiting room and we hung out in the room until the nurse came to get me with a wheelchair and wheeled my out to the car where I climbed in the back and laid down all the way home.

So now we wait. I go in on Oct 1st and then back on the 3rd to find out if I am pregnant. The next week and a half is going to be the longest of my life but I plan on keeping pretty busy at work and on the weekends so hopefully it will fly by.

This is my favorite time of the year with the cooler weather, the fair and haunted houses, so we will have tons of things to do to keep my mind off of the slowly ticking clock. Please keep up the prayers!

Also, if you could please add my friend, Angela's Papaw into your prayer list and positive thoughts, I would really appreciate it. He just found out that he is not eligible for a lung transplant b/c he has a heart condition which requires a stint and they gave him 6 months to live. We all know the power of prayer works for many things and people so please keep him and his family in your thoughts and prayers.

8 is enough

The retrieval went awesome yesterday. At my last appointment, they were saying we are hoping for maybe 5 eggs. Well lo and behold, they got 8 out of me yesterday! I guess the other three just got excited and decided to catch up to the bigger ones. They all want to be our babies!!! Dr Le was extremely excited that they got 8 out of me. He pretty much said he was amazed and it was a miracle and told us to keep praying b/c it looks like it is working.

The retrieval was really quick and the part I was most scared about was the anesthesia. Which ended up being my favorite part. (After all, I love to sleep). I can't remember what I dreamt about but I do know that when they woke me up, I told them I dreamt about Edward. I am sure the nurse thought "isn't her husband's name Josh?" What I meant was I dreamt about Twilight and I told her that so she didn't think I was dreaming about some other dude. Hehehe

Mom and Josh went with me and Dr. Le told them it is always good luck when they bring the mother and in this case, it definitely was!

I am back at work today and still have a little cramping when I get up or sit down but for the most part, I feel great and am so excited to have the retrieval behind me.

I just received my first update on the lil guys and out of the 8 they took out, 7 were mature enough to fertilize and 5 of them fertilized. They will definitely put them back in on Monday and I will get my next update on Saturday and can't wait!

I also would like to thank EVERYONE for their thoughts and support. I really have the best friends a person could ask for (tear). Your encourgement, strength, and help through this has made me really feel special. And I know you will give our baby(ies) the same type of treatment, if not more.

TMI Blog

Caution: This blog contains things that may offend or embarrass you if you read. So please do not continue if you don't think you can handle it.

I went into my appointment today with an outline of a speech in my head if the Dr told me we needed to buy more drugs. To summarize, we are out of money. You have sucked me dry of all money and blood for that matter. So what else can we do to continue this process that doesn't concern money?... Luckily, I didn't have to go there with the Dr b/c my retrieval is scheduled for Wednesday at 10 am.

YES! Finally! The Dr said I have 5 follicles that look good. Since there are only 5, they tend to only wait 3 days to put them back in me. So if all goes like planned, they will put the Jrs back in me on Saturday, which will be nice since I have to lay down for the rest of that day and the following day.

During my appointment today, the nurse went over what meds I still need to take. I only have one more injection, which I will take tonight! I am super stoked about that....then I read on the sheet the word "enema". UM EXCUSE ME? Yes, I am to go to the pharmacy and get an At Home Enema kit. I will have to use this kit tomorrow night. DO WHAT?!?! So I am pretty much tripping out about that but one person told me that injecting meds into my stomach is worse than this little enema. Let's hope they are right! Another person said it actually felt nice and you felt all cleaned out after. Well it isnt' after I am concerned about! It is before and during!

So this is it. My next blog will be after the retrieval. So wish me luck and please continue to send positive thoughts our way as well as prayer. I thought I would be scared at this point but I am more scared of the enema and excited about retrieval and honestly just ready to get the show on the road!

It has been confirmed. Josh is awesome.

It seems like every appointment, our retrieval date is pushed back and today was no exception to that trend.

After getting blood draws, the Dr looked at my follicles and of course the little buggers just aren't where he would like them to be for the retrieval on Tuesday, so now he is saying now that Wednesday morning is the big day. I have 5 follicles that are good (and a few others that just aren't up to par at the moment but hopefully will play catch up over the next few days). After the sono, I got dressed and Josh could tell I had shut down. When the Dr came back with as many samples as he could find for us, Josh asked him what exactly we are looking at. Dr. Le said that basically I have the ovaries of a 40 year old woman and there isn't anything I did or didn't do in my lifetime to cause this. It is genetically pre-determined. But he is definitely still optimistic because I am still young and he did get 5 follicles out of me. Five is better than zero....

He then told us a story about a 23 year old woman who came in and wanted to try IVF. When he did the baseline sono, she only had one follicle. He tried to talk her out of it because IVF is very expensive and that isn't a lot of bang for your buck. The Dr and the 23 year old then made a deal. If she could produce 3 follicles, he would attempt IVF with her. So month after month, she would come in for her baseline sonogram when she started her period and sometimes she would have 1 follicle and other times 2. After a few months, she finally had three follicles and they attempted IVF. She gave birth to her baby last month.

When he said this, the tears just started streaming out of my eyes and there was no stopping them. Dr Le was very sweet and gave me a tissue and said kept giving me positive reinforcement, which I am very grateful for. After the exam, we were in the room for more than 20 minutes talking and he didn't leave until I had pulled myself together and felt better. This speaks volumes to Josh and I.

In that discussion, Dr Le looked at us and told me "You have a very good man here." I smiled at Josh and said "I know. My mom thinks so too." And I do know how great he is but I could see Josh's head swelling from the compliment. When we left, Josh said "Well, it's official. I have a confirmed professional medical opinion that I am awesome" Hahaha Doesn't that sound like something Barney Stinson would say? (If you don't know who Barney Stinson is.....SHAME ON YOU!)

This appointment was the most frustrating and nerve racking yet but I am very happy to say that everything is still on track. These follicles are on their own time line. (I hope this isn't a glance into the future for what our kids will be like. Josh and I are always in a hurry and like to be punctual)

I feel like I am being drained by a Vampire (and not in the sexy True Blood way)

I had to get more blood drawn today and another sonogram. My right arm is all different colors from the needles! Not to mention the bruises I have on my tummy from the three injections a day I have been getting. I look like Eric Northman had a go at me. (Shout out to all the True Blood Fans!)

But back to my appointment, the Dr came in and looked at my follicles and they are maturing but not that the rate he would like for me to have the retrieval on Saturday. So, he ordered me to get more meds (which in turn means, more $$) and then my retrieval now is tentatively scheduled for Monday or Tuesday but more than likely Tuesday. This isn't necessarily bad news but it really hit me the wrong way once I got out of the office. It makes me feel like even on meds my body isn't working properly. My eggs should be matured and ready to go by now and since they are a little behind, it makes me feel bad or like I need to do more to get them to grow, which I know I can't. I just feel helpless.

But enough pity party for me today. I am not a very patient person. (I am sure some of you are thinking "the hell you say...") but yes, it is true, patience is a virtue I have lacked most of my life. I have to think this is God's way of teaching me patience and strength.

I have another appointment on Saturday to check my follicles and I am sure, more blood drawn. I will update you as soon as we find out when the retrieval will be.

I Love Saturday! (remember that Erasure song?)

Just got back to work from my appointment and they took my blood again and did another sonogram. All of my little baby follicles are growing so well and right on track. I am to continue taking the injections and I go back on Thursday for more blood work and another sonogram, then it looks like Saturday is the retrieval day. I am super stoked about this since I won't have to take that day off work. Dr. Le said I will do in very early (around 7 or 7:30) and the procedure only takes about 20 minutes. I will be under anesthesia but after I come out, I will be able to walk out of the office. Not even a wheelchair.

Four things I would like to tell you:

1. I have not been a bitch on the meds. (at least I do not think I have, you may need to ask Josh) I am completely surprised by this. There have been a few instances when I have gotten aggravated but when that has happened I get my book, go in the bedroom and read until it passes. Or there was one issue with water pressure but it passed relatively quickly. This is not near as bad as Clomid which made me yell at my husband for bringing the wrong soda home.

2. I am utterly sick of needles and injections. I have been getting injections in my belly from Nurse Laura and Dr. Josh for a while now but it does not make it any easier. Every time they are about to inject me, I start to breathe like I would imagine I would in Lamaze class and close my eyes tight.

3. I am very grateful to have Josh and Laura to give me the injections. They are both doing a GREAT job though and I can't thank them enough because God knows, I would not be able to do it on my own.

4. I am really excited and happy about how everything is going. I am not a nervous wreck like I was with IUI and when we first started IVF. I can't foresee the future, I can't tell you I will have a baby this time next year. But I can tell you that I have a really good feeling about this, that I am happy to have Josh by my side, I am happy to have my friends and family, and I am happy to be me and know that I am doing all I can in my power to make this happen.

This is not just a blind date

Things are progressing right along. We went in for a check-up on Saturday and they took my blood and did a sonogram to check on our little follicles. Everything is progressing nicely and he said that as long as they can get the follicle out of me, I should be pregnant! Yay! He told me to continue with the injections twice a day and starting Monday night, I need to take a second injection, Ganirilex, at night to keep me from ovulating early. After we were done, we went into the Patient Education room to sign all the release forms. We are doing a process called ICSI and while talking to the nurse she explained it in a pretty funny and relatable way. She said "we aren't just sending them out on a blind date. We are gonna make sure they meet and like each other beforehand."

My next appointment is Tuesday and then for sure I will know when my retrieval will be. It is looking like it will be this Friday or maybe even Saturday. Of course I am hoping for Saturday that way I don't have to miss work.

Allow me to introduce you to ALL the meds

And this is not even all of them. I have seven more injections in my fridge. It may not look like much in this picture but in person, there are a LOT of them! I have made little injection bags with everything I will need to mix and inject twice a day through Saturday. I figured it was best to be organized so I don't get confused and inject myself with so much meds at once, my ovaries burst. Or maybe Josh is wearing off on me with OCD......

I shot myself in the belly!!! All by myself....where's my lolly?

Today was my baseline sonogram. (this is just to make sure I don't have any cysts on my ovaries and nope, there were none to report) The doctor did say that my left ovary is the one that is sad and tired. So come on righty!!! Mama needs a baby!! The doctor was very optimistic that as long as we can get the embryo out of me I will be pregnant! SO yay!!

I have an appointment on Saturday morning for another sono to check my ovaries then my egg retrieval should be either next Thursday or Friday. I will find out for sure on Saturday so will post because we will be needing extra positive thoughts and prayers that day.

On a side note, while at the office, they told me that they wanted me to take my first injection in the next few hours (good thing we live close!), then take the second one this evening. Right when he said this, my head starting spinning...injections...now? I don't have anyone to give it to me. I will have to buck it up and give it to myself. I automatically got a pen and paper out of my purse and asked the nurse to show me how to mix the meds again. I explained my husband and my roommate have been giving my shots and this will be the first time I mix and give to myself. So she went over mixing again and I vigorously took down notes. I felt pretty good about it when I left but as I was driving home, my anxiety went through the roof. I called my neighbor whose husband is a nurse both on their home phone and her cell phone (TWICE!). No answer. I then called a co-worker who knows what is going on and this is how that converation went:

Co-worker: Hello?
Me: Hey, it's Kelley. I have a huge favor to ask and you can tell me no if you are not comfortable, but I need you to shoot me in the belly.
Co-worker: (silence, then laughter)
Me: Please, I just can't shoot myself. I have been trying to psych myself up to do it but I just don't think I can.
Co-worker: Sure, bring it up here and i will do it.....

So I get home and mix the meds together in the syringe and think I am doing pretty well. Just call me Nurse Kelley!! Then I threw away the lid to the syringe.... Now it was either drive to work holding an open needle in my hand or suck it up and shoot myself. I laid down on the couch and tried. No luck. So then I paced around my house for about 10 minutes. Laid on my bed, couldn't do it. Paced around the house a little more, screamed a little then went and looked in the mirror in our bedroom and just did it. No, it didn't hurt and I knew it wouldn't hurt before but it is just the thought of me shooting myself in the belly that gives me the heebie geebies. But I got over that and now I am sitting pretty proud.