My Annual Appointment

I dread it every year. It was last week and it was horrible! Ever since we did our first IUI years ago (has it really been years? :sigh:) I get really bad anxiety when I go to the Doctor. ANY DOCTOR. So you can only imagine how freaked out I get at my annual visit to my OBGYN.

When I pull up, I brace myself for all the pregnant bellies I will have to stare at in the waiting room. My favorites are the girls who look like they are in high school. Fertile little sluts (I am joking!) Well I dodged a bullet this day because it was me and a few other women who from the looks of them weren't pregnant or at least not showing. I am called back pretty quickly and think "sweet, let's just get through this as fast as I can so I don't have to slit my wrists"

I go back and the nurse asks me all the normal questions, takes my weight and blood pressure (both were higher than I had hoped). I go get naked with my gown and cheap paper sheet over my goods and wait........................and wait..............here's come more anxiety............wait................here comes the red splotches on my chest............wait...............face getting hot................where is that doctor??

I don't know how long I sat in that room freaking myself out but it seemed like an eternity. He comes in and asks the normal questions, congratulates me on quitting smoking, asks about the frozen cycle. I was pretty detached from the conversation. I just wanted to get dressed, cool down and get the hell out of there without crying. He did the exam while we talked about Black Friday (yes, it was as awkward as it sounds) and then he said he wanted to recheck my blood pressure.

So I got dressed and went out to the nurse's station so she could take it again. Right as she puts the cuff on, he starts talking to me about how he had been at a conference for two day prior about weight loss and infertility. He said when women are actively trying to lose weight their infertility goes down but then once they are at a comfortable weight it goes back up and that maybe that could help me. Well guess what? My blood pressure actually went up the second time and I think it is because he was talking about the two subjects that give me the MOST anxiety: infertility and weight. He told me I needed to get it checked out in the next few months because every time I come in it has been a little high. I have explained before that it is him and his office. My mom has a blood pressure machine and when i take it over there, it is fine.

At this point, I had completely checked out of the situation. I wanted the cuff off my arm and was ready to hit the door running. Yes, I know I need to lose weight and I am constantly trying but not so I can miraculously get pregnant. That isn't going to happen. Because unless me losing weight can help with my left ovary not producing eggs or my husband's low sperm count and motility, it is a longshot that it would help our situation.

October FAIL

So I signed up for ICLW and then didn't even bother to leave one comment. Not from lack of trying. I would sign and and go to the list but it seemed like every blog I clicked on was either "expecting", was in the middle of a cycle or their two week wait. These stories used to inspire me to keep pressing on, try again and again. Now, they just completely beat me down. Where are the blogs for those who have lost hope or the ones who are done with fertility treatments but haven't quite moved on to adoption. Where are the "currently in limbo" bloggers at?

I am "fine"

Women say this all the time and it should be obvious when these statement is uttered, normally it is far from the truth. I have no idea why I do this or why I even try to pretend I am "fine" when I am clearly not. I have a lot of emotions I am trying to work through now and the worst part is I do not feel like anyone understands my feelings. When I try to open up, I get dumbfounded looks and "I am sorry" or someone just changes the subject. I understand people don't know what to say but I cannot stand hearing "I am sorry" anymore or seeing another :( on texts. I am sad. I am angry. I am lonely. I am so many different things that I don't know how to process it anymore. And more than anything I am tired of acting like I am ok with everything. I am not ok with it. I don't want to hear about pregnancies, baby showers, sonograms, anything to do with pregnancy anytime soon. Everyone just expects me to "get over it" or not talk about it anymore. If I hear I "should just be happy with the good things I have" one more time, I am more than likely going to freak out on that person. Unless you have ever dealt with this, you have NO idea what I am going through. I guess it is just so frustrating because even when I am in a group of family and friends I still feel alone.

The Secret Cycle - Farewell IVF

It has been so hard not being able to post all the blogs regarding our secret cycle but we used our last frozen embryo last month and I got the results of blood work this morning. It was negative, which we fully expected since I started bleeding and cramping last night. I am sad but also I feel this great sense of relief. It is over. I did everything in my power to make this work and it didn't. I know now I have one of the strongest marriages of anyone I know because Josh and I went through this together and even though we didn't get the results we wished for, we came out the other end and we are still united, in love and have a stronger bond then we have ever had.

What's next? Hawaii next summer with Josh's parents and I cannot wait. Josh and I referred to this cycle as baby or aloha so Hawaii get ready! The Franklins are heading your way and plan on drinking A LOT, snorkeling all day long and staying up to see the sun rise at least once!

I am not going to make any final decisions but head, heart and uterus are telling me we are done with IVF. Not only does it take an emotional toll on me, but I worry about what all the drugs do to my body. I really feel at peace with this and think in a year Josh and I will re-evaluate and look at other options to be parents. Do I still want children? Of course. Am I stuck on them being my biological children? Not as much as I once was. All I know is even though we don't have kids, Josh and I are still a family and we have some furry kids to get us by for now.

For those of you who are still pursuing your dreams of children either through fertility treatments or adoption, Good Luck, I wish you the best and babies for you all.

I went ahead and posted all the blogs below that I have kept as drafts through this cycle just so you know how everything went down. They are in between the ones I was posting so here is a list if you want to check them out in order go from farthest back to most recent:

1. Consultation
2. Accupuncture
3. That is a beautiful uterus
4. Transfer Date
5. Wanna be Kardashian on transfer day
6. I am a googlin' fool

Kelley

The Dreaded Facebook Announcement

How horrible is that someone announcing they are expecting on facebook puts me into a bad mood? Doesn't even matter if it is an aquaintance or my best friend. It upsets me everytime. Then I feel bad that someone else's happiest moment in their life pisses me off. And I actually then count the number of people I know are pregnant then I write myself off because what are the chances that I would know 11 people who are pregnant and then be the 12th. (this is an accurate number in my life right now - 11)

I know it doesn't work that way. It's not like God is sitting up there saying "I reached my limit of pregnancies this month, maybe next time Franklin". But in my crazy head, this is what I think occurs every time someone else I know pops up pregnant. I think "great, she is pregnant so that means I can't be" which is ludicrous!

OK Honesty time: When someone announces they are pregnant on Facebook, I become a psycho stalker for at least a day. I read everyone's congrats and comments (never commenting myself if person knows about our struggle to start a family because I do not want to draw attention to my infertile uterus). Then I go back and read past status updates looking for posts that imply pregnancy (ex: I am so tired or I have felt under the weather lately - these two always trip my pregnancy radar).

So just know if we are friends on Facebook and you are pregnant, I am totally stalking your page. Maybe if I read enough and look at enough ultrasound pics, it will rub off on me?

I am a googlin' fool!!

So I would like to think from the outside looking in, I look pretty calm, cool and collected, normal and put together. No one would know that I am currently in my 2WW. I know I have done everything I can possibly do to make this work, now it is up to God. But that doesn't stop me from researching on the internet how things went down for other infertiles!! It is like my little guilty pleasure. When I am alone I start googlin' all kinds of IVF stuff. Here is a little sample:

• "How many days post transfer positive BFP"



• "5BB embryo IVF"



• "nausea after IVF"



• "Frozen cycle HPT"

The list is embarrasingly longer than this but I still have some dignity so you only get a sample of my googling subjects. Some people obsess over HPTs and buy tons of them only to hide them in drawers and under cabinets and quietly pee on when they are alone, hoping to see the second line. Luckily, I am not one of those (I am very cheap and don't want to waste the money on tests) but I am a secret google fool, which I know is even worse than peeing on a stick every morning. I have read every "what if" scenario out there and it doesn't make me feel any better or any worse. I HAVE TO STOP!!!! Gotta go, just realized I haven't googled "FET 31 year old 5bb embryo grade" - See I am crazy!!!

Wanna Be Kardashian on Transfer Day

Can I tell you how HARD it is not telling anyone what is going on!!! So we had our plan down for the transfer. Josh takes me to work in AM, picks me up around 11:45, drops me off at acupuncture, picks me up again, I pop my Valium as he drives me to RE's office in Las Colinas for transfer, Dr comes in transfer sweet little frozen angel into my awaiting and very hospitable uterus, lay in room relaxed and chillin' for approximately 20-30 minutes then we head home where I lay on my back or side for the remainder of the day. Perfect plan, right?

Until my Dad calls Josh to tell him he bought a new TV and needs him to come over and help him. Josh and I are both VERY bad liars. Josh tells dad OK and starts to head over there, then calls me to tell me. (it is approximately 11AM at this point so I start to go into freak out mode) Josh calms me down and says he is going to unload the TV and then tell Dad he has to go to take me to the dentist b/c I have a toothache (which would explain why I was grouchy on Sunday when we were at their house - truth: I had just changed my estrogen patch that morning and it tends to put me on edge). Thank God they bought it! I was about to just give in and tell them what was going on b/c the sneaking around and hiding is too much for me at this point. But Josh took care of it and we were on our way and no one was the wiser.

Everything else worked out ahead of schedule. So good that we were able to waste about 40 minutes before the appointment in Target (I LOVE IT THERE!) where I went ahead and purchased myself a transfer present. Nothing too big, just a new pair of big sunglasses.

So I walked into the clinic feeling good, like a fertile Kardashian Wanna-Be in my new big sassy sunglasses and was ready to get the show on the road. I had a Valium, acupuncture and a trip to Target, this is as relaxed as I will ever be.

After the transfer I find myself "clinching" down there. Both times I have thought I need to do this to ensure the embryo doesn't fall out. I know it is ridiculous but I can't help it! I also try not to go to the bathroom for a long time b/c I am scared I will pee the embryo out, which I know is crazy since the embryo is in a completely different "area"!! But that is what infertility does to you. It makes you completely nuts!

So now we wait. My first blood test is Sept 22nd and then if that comes back positive, I will do another one to make sure numbers are rising, then a little later I will go in for sono to see heartbeat (you know the drill!) So I have been thinking lots of sticky thoughts and taking it easy. STICK STICK STICK!

10 Years

I, as well as all of you, are being inundated with 9/11 visions and stories. It is hard to believe it has been 10 years already. So many things have changed.

• 10 years ago I was a bright eyed college student at the University of North Texas.
• 10 years ago my biggest worry was getting to class on time and what I was going to do on a Friday night.
• 10 years ago, I had not met my husband, I had never had a grown up job.
• 10 years ago I was innocent in so many ways.

I still remember waking up that morning to an already alive television set. As I rolled over to check out what the Today show was reporting, I saw a horrific vision that will be burnt into my mind until the day I pass on. It was the second plane going into the World Trade Center. In my sleepy haze, I thought this had to be a movie. But as I slowly realized this was real life I shot straight up in bed and screamed for my mom. I then realized my parent's house phone was ringing. It was my father, who was already at work, calling us to alert us to the news. My mother ran in my room, telephone in hand and we both watched in horror as our nation was attacked and changed forever.

As upset as I was, I still felt the need to continue on with my normal commute to Denton to attend classes. As I was driving on 360 headed north, it came over the radio that a plane at hit the Pentagon. By the time I was north of the DFW airport, all airplanes had been ordered to land. It was the most amazing site seeing what seemed like 1000 planes circling waiting to land.

My 9/11 story isn't amazing or all that interesting but I wanted to share. I however cannot adequately express the deep sadness and heartache I felt and still feel when I think about all the images from that day and the days and weeks that followed.

Transfer Date

We have a date. On Monday, September 12th at 2:00 PM I will be at the RE's office getting ready to have an embryo placed inside my very hospitable uterus. Then I will be in the 2WW otherwise known as "Kelley is going crazy b/c she is extremely impatient" period of the cycle, then I will go back on September 26th and again once more that same week for blood tests, then we will know if it "stuck". We are nearing the finish line, I just need to remember it is not a sprint.

Even Lesbians get Pregnant Before I Do.

Before I begin, I just want to say that this is in no way is an anti-gay post. In fact, I have been trying to lock in a gay male best friend for years without any luck. {Side Note, I think I seem too eager} Anyways, I would just like to point out the irony of the situation and that is what this post is about.

After 4 years of more unprotected sex than anyone could fathom (some enjoyable, some just to get the job done), IUIs, IVF, shots in my belly, shots in my hips that leave horrible painful lumps, meds that make me CRA-CRA, I still find myself on this wild infertile ride. Because of my experiences, it is always awkward when I find out someone is pregnant. (not just for other people, it is awkward for me too,)

When I heard that a woman I know, who is in a monogamous relationship with another woman, was pregnant, it stung a little and my first thought was "how the hell did this happen?" I thought there is hope for me yet if a chick can get another chick pregnant. I soon realized as most kids have been taught in Sex Ed, that this was not the case. Science was their friend too!

Now, as I sit here on a Friday night watching "Cats & Dogs: The Revenge of Kitty Galore" (I can't help it, I love talking pets!!!), my mind keeps going back to the news. Am I jealous? Heck yeah! You are pregnant and the toilet seat is always left down! NOT FAIR! But truthfully, it restores my hope in fertility treatments. If it weren't for science these two people would have a difficult time realizing their dream of having a child in a world where some people view their relationship as wrong. Which is ridiculous in my opinion. They are more capable of raising a child than some heterosexuals I know.

And just in case you are still wondering about the movie I am watching, here is a little sample:

Yes, THIS is happening.

Acupuncture?

Has anyone tried Acupuncture along with fertility treatments? What is your take on it during a frozen cycle and do you think it helped? How many times did you do it? Do you think it helped your chances or at least helped you mentally?

"That is a beautiful uterus"

Well in full Kelley fashion, I started spotting Friday after the RE's office closed. I tried to call twice to see if I could get a live person, no luck. I could feel myself going into panic mode. What if I can't get through tomorrow and Monday is too late, what if I have to get baseline sonogram tomorrow or this cycle will have to be cancelled. But I didn't allow my mind to go there, it would work out the way it was supposed to. So I set my alarm for 8am Friday morning to be the first jolly infertile to call in to tell them I have started my period. I always get confused on what to call my first day of my cycle. I have always said the first time I see blood when I wipe (or shove the toilet paper up there to be sure - all my fellow infertiles knw what I am talking about!) I have started. Even though, I may not even need a pad that first day, I call it day 1. You would think I would know better, that the first day of your cycle according to the RE is the first day of a steady flow. But in my spaz nature, I start thinking well what is a full flow? I know what I think it is but is my RE referring to something different. Once again, I calmed myself down and said "quit overthinking it"

Everything worked out and I made an appointment to go in today at 8:45. I went in, handed over my cashiers check for a baby (they will not take checks or debit or credit cards so I was not able to earn any airline miles off this - LAME!) and Dr. L did my baseline sonogram. Before he put the wand in he told me again that the embryos they put in last time were a 2 and a 3 (average and below average) and reassured me again that my frozen little popsicle is a 5BB, which means much better quality that the other two) and he was optimistic about this cycle. He said the lining looked good and I had a beautiful uterus. I didn't know what to say so being my polite southern and sometimes awkward self, I said "Thank you". Then thought why did I just thank him for that? He smiled and ignored the comment. Yes, he had the magic wand up "there" and I was the one who made it awkward.

I go back in 2 weeks to check lining.

That Kid

I feel bad for any kid that we have (either through fertility treatments or adoption) b/c let's face it, the bar has been set really high. After everything we have been through, are going through and will go through to add one more to our family, this kid better make us proud, do well in school, make good life choices, go to college, and be a responsible, respectable adult or heads will roll.

Josh and I were talking the other night that if the child ever tells me "You don't love me" that he will probably have to restrain me from physically attacking him or her. And you know what, he is right. There would definitely be some "slappage" going on in that situation.

Honestly, I hope we have a healthy child but I also hope I never forget all these feelings and emotions I have right now regarding having children. I think it will make me a better mom for going through everything I have.

Also, we will have a girl. Why? B/c that is just how our life goes. And she will test our patience on many occasions.

Accupuncture

So I am trying to be more pro-active and will do anything to help my chances this cycle, so I tried acupuncture. I went to my first appointment last Friday and here comes the hotness and the red splotches on my chest, and the nerves, and blood pressure rising and this was all when I was filling out the paperwork. Once she took me back to my little room, I asked her if it hurt and her response was "well they are needles (not the response I wanted) but after all the injections you have had, this is nothing" and when I look at it that way, she is totally right. I had to have injections in my belly and hip for over 6 weeks, I can take an hour of her putting tiny needles in me. I can't help it, I am still freaking out at this point. I kept envisioning PinHead from the Hellraiser movies or that scene from Final Destination 100 where the guy has all the needles in him then he falls off bed or something falls on him (at this point, I can't remember but it is still extremely frightening to think about either way)

I ask her a bunch of questions but I don't remember now what they are except I did ask her "how many needles?" she smirked and said "well quite a few" Here comes the PANIC ATTACK! "Quite a few like 100?" I responded and I was beginning to feel faint. Her response was laughter and said "Like 10. You Funny" and laughed some more. I thought well glad I can entertain as I start to calm down.

She then looks at my tongue and feels my pulse, tells me I am cold and need to drink ginger tea and eat pineapple every day and exercise. Ugh, exercise. It is 100 + degrees and my gym membership is frozen at the moment so that is the last thing I want to do.

Then I take my pants off and climb up on the table (sounds like the beginning of a bad porn) and she comes back in and starts sticking me with needles. They didn't hurt at all but I was hyped up from the anticipation that I was still a little whacked. She just chit chatted with me while sticking me and I know I was tense and she kept asking if I was ok and asking me to talk to her. Maybe I turned white? Who knows. But after she had stuck me on feet, legs, tummy and my head (yes, HEAD!) she hooked up electrodes to the needles and I got a little pulse in all of them, then I got to just lay there for 30 minutes with pulsing needles in me. And I dug it. Not sure why, but just laying there was relaxing and I even dozed off for a min. Next time I am going to to bring my IPOD with some laid back songs and listen to it for 30 minutes.

Consultation

You may remember, I have one frozen little embryo waiting to be thawed out and put in my belly. Well after almost 2 years of regaining strength and composure from my first IVF cycle, we made the follow up appointment. Now I realize this doesn't seem like a big deal to most but for me, this is HUGE. To say I was devestated after the first IVF is an understatement and I honestly wasn't sure I could ever go through all that again but alas the day has come and I have an appointment today with everyone's favorite RE.

The clinic I go to has 2 REs and we happen to favor one over the other. I am not sure if it was all the meds and hormones that were being pumped into me the last time I saw these guys but one of them, Dr. H. did not have a bedside manner I responded to. So when we made our appointment, I specifically asked for Dr. L. To be honest, I trust both of their opinions but how you treat and talk to me is very important when I am going through such an emotional rollercoaster and Dr. L seemed to be more on my wave length.

We have decided not to share any of this with anyone. (which is why I am blogging and saving each entry to post until after the cycle is over) It is kinda weird not telling my friends and parents to "buckle their seatbelts b/c we are all getting back on this train!" but Josh and I wanted to do this alone. Will it make it easier? I have no idea, I hope so. Do I want to call my BFFs right now to tell them about the appointment, kinda. But I will restrain.

Just got back from appointment and it went really well. I thought I was staying all calm and chilled but then I looked down and my chest was red and splotchy (which is a definite sign of nerves). Dr. L was very positive about the little embryo that could. Looks like the little thing actually looks better than the other two they put in for the fresh cycle so that is a good sign. Also, the meds are not going to be a lot easier and less costly (no injections - WAHOO!) I also found out that my insurance covers Accupuncture and the place close to my house is actually in network! I get up to 20 visits a year and the co-pay is $20.00 so guess who is gonna go get stuck with a bunch of needles soon? THIS GIRL!

Screw You Living Social

I, like many people, LOVE a good deal. And when I say love, I mean, I actually get EXCITED and giddy when I give the cashier coupons at the grocery store and see my total start to go down. So, of course I signed up for Groupon and Living Social and get daily updates as to what deals they have going on. I have received the following update via email (twice) and now by text.


I am debating getting this deal, showing up with a stroller and a doll on the first day just to see the look on people's faces. Meet my daughter, Princess Petunia Merryweather Foxy Brown Franklin. She's shy.

Smoking, Babies, Friends

I am not sure why but this time, it is going really well.It doesn't matter why, it is working and I am stoked! I quit on July 3 and today is the 28th so I am feeling pretty good about myself. I would like to be more active but it is so dang hot and we had to freeze the gym membership for financial reasons. I continually set my alarm for earlier in the morning so I could get up and jog but I end up hitting snooze 7 times and roll out of bed at 7:10 in just enough time to shower, put make up on, throw my hair up in a wet bun and head to work. (yeah I am lookin' good at work!) And then in the evenings I am exhausted from my day not to mention, it is still in the 90s at 9:00 PM. People were not meant to live in such hot conditions! I love Texas to death but we need to get on the same page about this heat.

So one of my best friends is pregnant (I am not even sure if she reads this anymore). I am VERY happy for her and her family. When she called to tell me, I was genuinely happy for her and knew they had been trying so I knew it was only a matter of time until it happened. I was upset that she started crying when she told me. I HATE that I am THAT person. The one everyone doesn't want to tell they are pregnant, the one that makes women cry when the pee on the stick is still wet, the one that after you tell is pregnant, you wince in case she FREAKS OUT (which for the record, I have never hit, screamed or spit on anyone who told me they are pregnant) Two of my best friends have been pregnant in the last few years and both of them cried when they told me. I know they would do anything to get a baby in my belly and make it stay there for 9 months and that is why they cry, but I feel SO HORRIBLE that I am the one making them cry. Both times, I end up comforting them. I guess it is just my nature. (See God-I am nurturing and comforting, give me a baby!)

When will I get over this and be that person who throws baby showers and rubs bellies? (well I will probably never rub a belly, I don't care for that much physical contact)

The relaxing pedicure that never was

I gave in today and decided to treat myself to a pedicure. My feet were disgusting with chipped zebra polish on my bigger toes, nothing on my little toes (yes, don't judge, it had been THAT long since I had a pedicure and I hadn't bothered to even touch them up).

At lunch I ran out to this place right around the corner from my work. Pulled in the parking lot, got a front row joe parking spot and was super excited that they didn't look that busy so I would be able to get in and out in an hour. I told the lady in the front that I needed a pedicure, was on my lunch break and needed to be in and out in right under an hour and she smiled and nodded.

I am whisked away to a pedicure chair, offered a drink, took out my book, turn on the massager in the chair, got the diet coke and started the relaxing lunch hour. Then my pedicure technician comes waddling around the corner. Yep, she was pregnant and not just a little baby bump. This chick looked like she could burst at any minute and right in my pedicure spa (ew, they would definitely need some stronger sanitizer), which made instantly feel bad. 1. That I was annoyed she was pregnant and 2. that someone THAT pregnant was going to be giving me a pedicure. SHE should be the one who is getting her feet rubbed. But for now, come on preggo, rub this infertile's feet. (I am so wrong)

But I got over that fast b/c I had some feet than needed scrubbing, toes to be painted and a book that needed to be read. So I assume the "snobby pedicure client" posture in my chair. You know where you give off the vibe that you don't want to chat and refuse to make eye contact. I am really good at it. It's a gift.

I am reading my book and enjoying every minute of my foot scrubbing solice when I can't help but overhear the conversation between two women next to me. They had not assumed the don't talk to me stance in the pedicure chairs, so they were chatting away with one technician. Now, the woman in the chair next to me was very big lady and she made a comment about not being able to reach her toes, which I thought was weird. Then she said "not like I ever could anyways" Now THIS got my attention. This woman made at least 3 comments since I started spying about weight gain. Then it came out, her sister mentioned to the technician that the lady next to me was expecting and was due in October. I was SHOCKED and I couldn't help myself. At this point, I had let down guard, have turned in my chair and am all out staring at this woman. There is no "bump" to speak of. The technician was shocked too b/c she was like "oh, so little can't tell" I almost laughed. There was nothing little about this woman but I knew she was trying to be nice, after all her tip may depend on it. I couldn't quit listening then. I would stare at the pages in my book trying to read but I could not tell you what was on those pages b/c I was engrossed in the non looking pregnant, pregnant lady.

Then for reason unbeknown to me, she starts spilling her guts to the technician. She is 39 has tried online dating a lot within the past few years (which didn't surprise me), has another kid, didn't lose her virginity until she was 33. She originally had wanted to wait til marriage but then I guess that didn't happen. Once again my head turns from my book when I hear this. They are politely ignoring me as far as I can tell. I can't quit listening or staring at her non existent baby bump.

At that point, I checked out. The poor chick rubbing my feet looks like she may be havin labor pains and the extremely overweight chick next to me who was a virgin until she was 33 is due in October. At that point, I just sit back, close my eyes and laugh to myself.

I start to wonder what time it is. It seems like I should be done by now. I finally pull out my phone and it has already been an hour. Ugh, now do I politely tell the 9 month pregnant chick carefuly painting my toes to get the show on the road. She looked so tired and hot. So I let her be and pretty much freaked out the whole time she was painting them that I was going to get in trouble when I got back. I didn't, no one even said anything.

Thank you universe. Thank you for my relaxing pedicure.

I rolled up my new bathmat and smoked it.

Just Kidding!

I am actually doing fine without smoking thus far. I even received some upsetting news last night and didn't automatically have the urge to go buy a pack. (I have chosen not to share the upsetting news since it isn't my news to share) The real test will be DRUNK KELLEY. But I hardly ever drink anymore so I don't see that issue coming up in my near future. And in case you were concerned about the mats, I LOVE THEM. Josh said it is like stepping onto soft cotton when you get our of the shower. So, buyer's remorse GONE! Purchase was completely validated by him so that takes care of that!

Have you guys noticed all these feathers in girl's hair? I have seen in on a few of my friend's facebook pics, but we went to the Ranger game last night and I saw a bunch more. Then my friend said she was at the mall trying to find feathers because one of our friends wants one in her hair. Are they clip ons? How do you wash your hair with it in if it is an extension? Do they come with a peace pipe? Will I have one in my hair in a few weeks?

I just spent $50 on bath mats

They are VERY nice and I am super excited to get home and put them down on the floor of both bathrooms. (we currently have a bath TOWEL on the outside of our bathtub in one bathroom since we were lacking a bath mat)

But as I sit here thinking about it, I am having buyer's remorse. Note: I got the bigger sized ones and I had two coupons, so I actually saved $12 off of my total. See, even thinking about the money I saved with coupons is not making me feel better about my purchase.

I needed these bath mats though. BAD. I had to buy something at lunch (do you think I have a problem?) and the bath mats were the most logical choice. I went in to the store, only going to buy one....but I had two coupons. I couldn't let the other one go to waste.

Oh, and I have decided to quit smoking completely. I feel pretty optimistic since the other day when I decided, I threw a more than half full pack in the trash can at Kroger. The cheap side of me thought, I just threw money away. Normally I would go ahead and finish the pack and then attempt to quit. But something about actually throwing them away seemed more final for me. Hopefully this will be it. We all know I can quit for a long period of time (I think I quit for a year a while back but then I get mad or upset or miscarry and that's the first thing I want). I have two packs of gum in my purse though and am ready for this. I know I am not addicted to the nicotine because there are times I will not smoke for two days or even a week and be fine with it. So we shall see.

The Best Thing in the World....

Most rewarding experience, will change your life, you will know what "real unconditional love" is.

All these sayings make me want to vomit. I don't doubt they are true feeling for those becoming a parent but they are so cliche' and nauseating to hear every time someone gets pregnant. I am not sure if people use them as verbal filler or they really think that the person doesn't know their life if about to change so they feel the need to let them in on this "secret".

If I ever have a child of my own through birth or adoption, I will probably think these things but will never utter them out loud. Some more appropriate things for me would be:

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  I hope the baby is healthy
  



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  I hope the child is emotionally stable (only one crazy in this family and I got years on you kid!)
  



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  I hope the child doesn't disappoint me (this is a big one. After all the build up, I will have HIGH expectations for any child of mine)
  



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  I hope the child doesn't grow up to be a serial killer (Josh makes me watch too many shows on serial killers so now this has been added to my fears. I mean could you imagine being the mother of some kind of monster like Manson or The Zodiac Killer)



• 
  
  
  I hope the kid isn't stupid (we've all seen those kids, ya know the ones where you think man, I hope you are going to be good lookin' b/c the smarts missed you!)
  



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  I hope the kid isn't ugly (aw yes, the ugly baby. Don't judge me, you have seen the babies that hit every branch of the ugly tree on the way out of the vagina)
  

I OBVIOUSLY don't have a child so I don't know if it really is the BEST THING IN THE WORLD, so to me the BEST FEELING EVER IN THE WORLD, is laying on a beach drinking a pina colada in Mexico and not having a worry or care in the world.

I need a PROJECT

One thing I have realized as I have gotten older is I LOVE staying busy. Maybe it is because when I am not busy, I obsess over the not so great things in my life. And when I am busy and then feel accomplished, I feel good about myself and have more of a positive outlook. Who knows. The point is I need a project and fast. I have been reading a TON lately but books are starting to not be enough. I need something HANDS ON. Oh, and did I mention, I need it to be cheap since we do not have as much disposable income as we used to.

The one project I keep thinking about it painting the hall, living room and front sitting room in our house. Yes, this would be a HUGE undertaking but this time I would NOT attempt to ask Josh for help (see previous post - http://kel2ey.blogspot.com/2010/08/painters-we-are-not.html). I like him way too much to put our marriage through that again.

I don't know. I just need SOMETHING. Any ideas?

Breaking Dawn Trailer

So if you don't know, I LOVE the Twilight books. I read them when I first started my fertility treatments and they were my escape from doctor's appointment, shots in my stomach and crying over not being pregnant. It was so nice that whenever I couldn't handle anymore, I could just open those books and get lost in the story and forget everything in my life for a little bit. These books renewed my love of reading and so for these reasons they will always have a special place on my bookshelf.

Then, they made the movies. I was very hesitant at first b/c the first movie came out when I was finishing up Breaking Dawn so I already had my characters set in my mind. But then they came out with bad acting and all but I still like them b/c they brought this story to the big screen. I know the movies suck, the acting is horrible and my Edward was much more attractive and less awkward that Robert Pattinson. But I can't help myself. I still get all excited when a new trailer comes out. And one came out last night on the MTV Movie Awards and as I watched curled up in my bed, I felt like a kid again. It was such a nice and pure feeling to get excited over something so trivial and not have to worry about anything.

And yes, this Twerd will be there at midnight in November to get lost in the story all over again.

Minor Setback

Don't you love it when you are coasting on through life, feeling pretty good and something just comes up and knocks the wind out of you? Josh lost his job on Wednesday. We will be ok and be able to pay our bills but THAT IS IT. No movies, no eating out, no paying off credit cards, nada until his unemployment kicks in then we will re-evaluate.

Surprisingly, I am pretty calm. I am not gonna lie, when he first told me I kinda freaked out in my head. That first night was very tense and quiet between us just b/c we were both thinking a LOT about how to make this work. What can be cut out, what is a neccesity right now and what is in limbo. I feel like we have made a short term plan that will work and that really has put my mind at ease for now.

This also puts any type of thoughts of thawing out the final egg on the back burner, which really hurts. Not that we had any plans to thaw it out next month but I had actually been thinking about calling my RE for a consultation appointment. Thinking about that alone is a big step for me. I just need a plan for money and for mental preparations before I dive back in this.

I had a very weird dream the other night where I was explaining my feelings about other people getting pregnant and the emotional toll it takes on those who can't and have been trying and the person in my dream told me I was a "miserable, unhappy person who should just be happy for other people" and it really hurt. Even when I woke up, I was upset that this person in a dream would say that to me and then I got all paranoid thinking "that is what everyone thinks" OMG, I am a horrible person. But then I thought "fuck it" and went back to sleep. If I could change this I would. I can't.

A friend and I often talk about what we would do if we won lotto and I never say it but I would do another round of IVF right away. I don't say it b/c it's a downer in a conversation and I know that. People don't know what to say when I bring up stuff like this, especially those with kids. So I just keep it to myself, which I have been doing a lot lately. Is it good for me? Hell no.

And BTW, if I have to hear that one more person is pregnant on facebook, I may punch my screen or just get off of it all together (and this is not an idle threat - well the part about getting off facebook. I won't punch my screen)

YOGA! YOGA! YOGA!

So after years of talking about it, I finally went to a Yoga class. My mom has been on me to go b/c she thinks it will help with tension and stress. So when I saw a 20 class pass on http://www.livingsocial.com/ I grabbed it and started my dive into clarity and calmness through Yoga.

Now for those who do not know me, I went to a VERY liberal private school from 6th Grade on where I was taught mostly by old hippies (whom I adored!), we took a nature walk every day and really did have some classes outside. The only rule was "Respect People and Property" so I have experienced the whole natural and peaceful way of life.

Back to Yoga: I walk in the class and there are a few women laying on their mats surrounding two lit candles in the center of the room. This was surprising to me as I thought we would all be facing the mirror. How I am supposed to take my normal place in the back of the class if we are in a circle? The class was fun but I realized I. AM. NOT. FLEXIBLE.

So I found out breathing is really important in Yoga too. In fact, so important that a few of the ladies sounded like Darth Vader. I actually had to open my eyes and look up from positions to see who the the daughter of Vader was. (I could never figure it out but pretty sure it was the teacher) But it did make me giggle.

Then the lady next to me did it (no she didn't poot) she made a moan. And not just a moan like I do in spin class between curse words. This was a full on sex noise. And I lost it. (I know you are thinking this chick is really mature right about now) I was able to not actually bust out laughing but instead did the shaking laugh hoping that no one noticed.

I will keep you updated on this whole Yoga thing. After the first class, I am just really sore in my upper back but I really did enjoy it.

Mother's Day

I am very close to my mother (and when I say VERY close, I mean I would still let her carry me on her hip if I wasn't too heavy for her to carry around) So, Mother's Day doesn't sting as much as it could. I tend to just concentrate on her and what an awesome mom she is and leave it at that. Or at least I try. I can't help but add up the years sometimes though. I sometimes think, if I hadn't miscarried this would be my third Mother's Day or if if the result from IVF had been different, this would actually my first one. What if's can drive me crazy. And to top it off, I woke up Mother's Day morning to my monthly visitor and I just laughed. Of course I started THAT day. It seems like my body just wants to kick me when I am down. Now, in my uncrazy moments, I realize that I could probably turn any day I start my period into something in my mind (I am dramatic like that). But last month, starting on the day of a baby shower I had to attend then on Mother's Day? Come on body, or universe, or fate, or whoever or whatever decides this kind of stuff, cut this chick a break.

It seems like it is BABYPALOOZA around me with pregnant people or husbands of pregnant people (I found out 4 guys I work with have wives that are expecting). I am not kidding. I know at least 10 people who are expecting at the moment and one that just had one this past weekend. And with every announcement, I smile (if person is in front of me) but in my head I am screaming. I wonder when this will end for me? I need it to or I am contemplating cutting off all contact with outside world. (yeah right)

National Infertility Awareness Week (NIAW)

I had no idea this was even a "week". But now a days, it seems like there is a group or week for anything and everything so why not infertility? Sounds good to me.

If you know someone else who is having trouble starting a family, my advice is: BE SENSITIVE. Don't bring it up. If they want to talk about it, they will. I am very open about our struggles when I WANT to be. But when I am caught off guard by a question during normal conversation, I have very little time to decide how to respond. I don't want to be the "bitch" who says "I don't want to talk about it" so most of the time I just start spilling my guts, even if I don't want to. This is something I need to work on and I recognize that. But when I am put on the spot, I don't know how to react except go with the flow. Even if I am completely mortified and upset that I am having to talk about this when I am not ready and prepared. I am willing to talk about it but on my own terms.

Can a girl catch a break?

So, yesterday was a quiet day here around the office. I work in a suite with a few other ladies and they were all off yesterday so I was super excited about blaring my music loud and getting organized. I was sitting there making cover letters for some reports and enjoying every minute (yes I am that dorky) when another co-worker from the suite across the way came over and asked if I would mind helping wrap the baby shower gifts and decorating. I was SHOCKED to say the least. I had already given my whole uncomfortable spill about how "I don't do baby showers but would attend this one since it is during work hours...blah blah blah" when they asked me to help plan. I was feeling really good about setting my boundaries (which is something that is very hard for me to do in all aspects of my life) and then the same person asks me to help again. So what did I do? I helped. (I have the spine of a jellyfish)

So I went in there and hung bright pink "It's a Girl" signs, baby rattles and streamers across our conference room (looks like its been hosed down with pepto bismol - anyone get the reference?), the whole time trying to forget what the signs said and stood for. I am a trooper and I got through it though. I was thinking Ishould get a medal or something for this shit then it hit me and I cried.

I haven't let myself cry over this kind of stuff in a really long time. I thought I was getting better at dealing but I guess not. I was sad, jealous, angry, mad at myself for being selfish when I would like to just feel HAPPY for someone who is expecting. It was a lot of emotions going through me and I lost it. But I didnt' let myself get down for too long (there were happy hour drinks to be consumed!).

This morning I am still upset for not standing up for myself and my emotions the day before and right when I walk in to work, I am hit with it again. "Hey this sign fell, can you go hang it back up?" I didn't say a word, I just walked straight to the water cooler. When i get to my office the "It's a Girl" sign is laying on my desk. It took ALL OF ME not to freak out right there and start kicking ass. But I like my job for the most part and kinda need it for money and such, so I got a piece of tape, threw the sign against the wall and shoved the tape on the top corner (I didn't even care that the tape was showing at this point)

Now please note, I am very open in my life about my struggles and the people planning this shindig know everything I have been through. All I can think is that they didn't realize what they were doing was a bit too much. Until I finally told her

The final straw was when an email went out saying that I and another co-worker were to take care of the food set up. I was not asked about this at all and at this point I am way beyond my limit of what I can deal with regarding this shower. So I sent a very nice email back saying that I need to set limits and that I would appreciate it if someone else would take care of the food set up. I will attend the shower but that I cannot do anything else to prepare for it. I am VERY proud of myself for this. So I am sitting pretty tall after that and think that this was the extra oomph to get me through the baby shower.

I went, it seemed awkward at first but then I think some people kinda lightened up. (including myself) We had lunch, cupcakes, cookies, she opened her gifts and I could really tell she was genuinely surprised and excited. Went back to work after and then after a while when I went to potty, I saw it.....

I FUCKIN STARTED MY PERIOD.

Baby Shower Blues

So at some point a few months back I had officially decided that I would not attend another baby shower. I would send my regrets and a gift and be done with it. B/c let's face it, it's about the gifts.. You can go on and on about how it is about celebrating this new life but come on. I see right through it. I have yet to ever be invited to a shower where even if the invite said NO GIFTS, the mom to be gave the gift back if someone ignored the warning and so happened to bring one. So watching some adorable glowing woman open gift after tiny gift, while drinking punch and eating cake isn't worth the hours of tears I will cry later. I am happy for the mom to be, but I know my limits.

(Side Note: I realize that if I ever do get pregnant, I can NEVER have a shower after turning down invite after invite and stating it is all about the gifts. So, if the miracle ever does happen, I better win the lotto or go to Ellen's mother day special or my kid would be sleeping in the crate with Max and wearing potato sacks.)

Now back on subject, there is a surprise work shower for a co-worker and it is during business hours at our office so pretty much I am forced to go. I refuse to be the one cold hearted baby hatin' bitch who sits in her office eating her lunch while everyone else is at a shower less than 50 feet from her. So I am doing what I have learned very well to do over the past few years. Suck it up, smile and go to the shower. I will post how it goes on Tuesday. Wish me luck. I will be chanting this like a mantra :"I will not cry, I will not cry. Pass me another piece of cake. "

Paranoid take 2: Was I unfriended b/c you are pregnant?

So, I hate social media (but not enough to delete my account). And why do I hate it you ask? B/c it is just another way for someone not to talk to you. I was "un-friended" by someone a while back. Well actually I do not know how long ago I was "un-friended" b/c I didn't notice until someone pointed it out to me. Anywho, the point of this is that I automatically think "She is pregnant". Not "I wonder what I did to offend her? What did I say or not say" to get me the coldest of the cold in the friend arena - taking one off the friends list? Isn't that crazy that I automatically go to "SHE IS PREGNANT". Then I realized how conceited I am about this crap, it is all about how I feel and not how others feel when they have to tell me. (for that I am sorry and please know I do feel horrible that my friends cringe at the thought of telling me they are expecting) and why on earth would she take me off just b/c pregnant? I then realized that she probably just took me off b/c I said something to piss her off or I am boring, not to save me from her pregnancy talk/photos. How much have I let this consume me where I think people would take me off their friends' list b/c of it? I have officially reached the self absorbed infertility stage so next time you see me, punch me in the arm and tell me snap out of it.

Celebrity Pregnancies and other b*llshit

So now I not only have to worry about which friend is going to tell me she is pregnant next, I also have to sit back and watch all these celebrities who are way older than me, get knocked up (Alyssa Milano, Christina Applegate, Alicia Silverstone) and have babies. Any time I turn on to the celebrity tv shows (E Network, Extra - yes I watch this crap, don't judge) I now see something about someone getting pregnant. These shows used to be my escape from my infertile and childless life, now they just remind me of who I am. Then, one of the funniest shows on TV, has a storyline where the couple is trying to get pregnant and it is taking longer than they thought (I wish I could still say that to people - "its just taking a little longer than we thought"). So either which way, I will have to watch them suffer through infertility or watch her miraculously become pregnant and have a baby. I am not sure which is the worst of the two evils.

Here is the thing that I have decided bothers me the most, I can have a really nice car, travel more than I could if we had a child and sleep in on the weekends, but when we are old and unable to do things ourselves, who is going to be there to take care of us?

I wanna punch something.

That is it. I thought you all would like to know. I mean seriously.....PUNCH. SOMETHING. and CRY. And then eat ice cream while I get a pedicure to make me feel better. Ice cream with cookies in it. Yeah, that would do the trick.

It comes in 3s right?

In the past week, I have found out that three different people I know are pregnant so hoping that is it for a while but I have a sneaking suspicion it isn't and there may be a 4th person popping up soon. Just to reiterate, it isn't that I am not happy for these couples, it is that I am selfish and wish it was me. It isn't that I don't want others to be pregnant, I would just like to be pregnant with them or before them or heck, after them. Beggars can't be choosers and I will take what I can get.

It's one of those things where I feel like everyone is moving on with life and I am still stuck in this infertile limbo stage. A light just went off in my head and I realized Dante should have made this a level of hell!!!! Kinda funny in one way but in another, so not cool.

Infertility Etiquette

A friend of mine sent me this link today and since reading it, I have decided to share it with my family and friends. I do not expect anyone to know how I feel (and I wouldn't wish it on anyone either) but I would like friends and family to know how to talk to me and I think this gives a little insight and advice on how to deal with the "crazy" infertile.


http://www.resolve.org/support-and-services/for-family--friends/infertility-etiquette.html